Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[TheHolySword]

i'm progressing in my job and have so many opportunities for growth. i was recommended by my boss to go help open a new location for 2 weeks and train new staff. but it doesn't even matter because im so miserable and alone. nothing i do matters anymore because im going to be dead in a few months. i dont want to be alive, i dont want to try to have a good life anymore. im so fucking tired. the only reason i'm even still working is for the life insurance and to leave more money behind. i wish i could have lived a life where i wanted to live and could be grateful enough for all the privileges i have. there are people who would do anything to have my life and im just going to throw it all away. good riddance to me

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

All I need to do is cross my fingers and hope ctb goes well tomorrow,
I can't do anything with a pile of miserable sentiment except to throw it out the metaphorical window.
Ctb ctb, another day another rope, another roll of the dice, there's always a chance, I won't lose hope, I hope to succeed, I believe in my efforts

 

[DevonBostick'sAss]

I wanna take my damn bra off! Cant breathe

 

[Jadeith]

Feel...... mechanical.
Following daily routines, fulfilling duties, taking care of those under my protection. Kinda following protocol...
And pain. Non-physical, choking pain. Cold hand crushing my chest and ripping open wounds of the past.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Those who say that there is a significant difference between merely being passively suicidal and actively suicidal are so correct and I had to learn that out the hard way. Being passively suicidal is so much more comfortable but it doesn't actually solve anything long term as I'm still alive. Being actively suicidal would solve my issues long term if I were to succeed but it causes immense pain short term due to being absolutely terrified of causing harm to myself even though I know that I'm going to be harmed by merely staying alive anyway. The human brain is wired to prefer short term comfort over long term planning since that's the more efficient method for DNA to replicate itself so being actively suicidal is so much more challenging.

My chest is so uneasy and I feel so nauseous but I can't back down now since I'm at the point of no return (and I've considered recovery and all that thoroughly but I dont want it). I have to be courageous and push through the pain to obtain an earlier death but I'm so scared and terrified because of the survival mechanism

 

[billie]

i'm worthless

 

[CTB Dream]

this no psbl do any this wrld this rly awfl all d dtriort

 

[yellowjester]

I hate that I step on people's toes all the time without even knowing what I did wrong.

It feels like I speak a different language from everyone else. No one understands me.

I'm scared I will be alone for the rest of my life.

 

[NonEssential]

Applied and got accepted to a school a few days ago. Feels weird since I haven't done anything in like three years. This gives a small amount of hope, but if doesn't help with my loneliness or unemployment, I will most likely CTB.

 

[Rose Cross]

I'm just going down the same path again and again and will every time… just now I don't even feel human or loved anymore and it hurts.

 

[broken_doll]

I'm clawing at whatever I can to mean something to find value but I'm so fucking ugly I can't imagine a creature like myself can have any value people would want

 

[franzhype]

I feel like I'm completely worthless, as if I don't deserve to be loved. My heart feels heavy and broken, and tears won't stop streaming as I think about all the friends I've lost in the last few months... even the person that I loved.

 

[ma0]

Finally listened to some stuff by siinamota, and it depressed me a little bit. Knowing that he CTB'd only 30 minutes after releasing his final song makes it hard to listen to. I'm also trying to procrastinate my next cutting attempt, even though I know that I want to try. I've still not been able to drawn blood, so I'll try on a different part.

 

[ben_]

pretty good - living in the present moment as they say... future looks fucked - but I'm not looking :D

 

[Lullaby]

Outside of this forum, people fucking suck…like genuinely.

I've always tried being a kind person, and I'm really attempting to not let this make me jaded — but goddamn, I really really hate people. Jesus christ.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

My time might be coming soon. I'm not certain, but that notion arouses both apprehension and relief in me.

 

[iamrealandyouarenot]

I miss my grandma, it's her birthday today. The funeral was yesterday.

 

[evansmiranda089@gma]

tired, kinda empty. I want to cut but don't have the energy

 

[billie]

i'm sad because today is my friend's birthday but she killed herself 6 years ago

 

[steygrone]

I'm running out of places to vent about feeling like dying. More places are cracking down and I can't even hint at wanting to ctb without posts being flagged or getting attention from people who don't know me or follow me. On a private blog where no one even knows it exists my posts were flagged and my blog blocked so I just deleted it cuz there's no point to it anymore. I just wish I had a place to vent while I'm at work, I do have a private journal at home but I never wanna risk bringing it to work and accidentally leaving it and hearing an earful from people here. I just need to vent a lot and I'd rather scream into the void than to talk about it cuz it feels so much better to me. Idk if it makes any sense but yeah, I'm just gutted and wish I had a more permanent place to talk about wanting to die. I'm glad I have this place though, I guess this is my last place to keep a diary of sorts. I just hope it can last cuz I'm so tired

 

[sukiduki]

i think i can make it through most of the year but not the whole year. i think i've figured out the timing to do the least damage.

sometimes i wonder if my passing is really gonna affect people at all. i have a strong feeling it won't. but to not rain on other peoples parades i think i know best when to do it. its later than i originally planned but its doable.

i feel numb. i feel sad. i feel everything. i feel nothing. but this is the way

 

[Hojag]

I'm in peace by now.

 

[CTB Dream]

lif vawfl wat do all pain sffr wat do this awfl lif this trap

 

[Haematemesis]

I ate chicken wrap and smoked cigarettes which felt like heaven. So I feel good

 

[DevonBostick'sAss]

drunk

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I feel light but I wanna be lighter as I die :D

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Sad like I should just die since I get ghosted and people avoid talking to me sad :((

 

[TheHolySword]

no one wants to accept that i'm done trying. i'm tired of trying. i don't want to do it anymore so im not going to. i fucked up everything good about my life to get here so damn it i'm going to fucking die. i'm not gonna get better. i do not want to get better. i just want to be emptiness in a nothingness void. fuck.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Existence itself hurts so much. For me, just the pain of merely living fucks my brain up so much. I don't know why this is but that remains as the truth. Even I don't do anything or aren't at the risk of anything, I still feel so much mental pain. It's so exhausting and irritating. I truly have no idea how I'm supposed to go through life or how I'm expected to live until old age. Oh wait, I guess the latter isn't true as the average life expectancy for autistic people is significantly lower but, nonetheless, I'm just in too much pain to do anything. I just wish for some peace and tranquility but I can never get that for as long as I'm alive. I thought that finally having a way out of here would give me peace and, in some respects, it does but it also makes being alive hurt so much more.

It honestly feels like life is a extremely long nightmare and I don't mean that as a hyperbole or as a metaphor. I genuinely mean that it's a nightmare. I know that there are people who are suffering far worse than me and are able to deal with life but I'm not one of those people. I'm not. I can't deal with life. I'm too weak for life. I'm too tired for life. I don't have it in me to push through life any longer. I even stopped revising for my university exams because of how overwhelming all of it is. I don't think that I'm weak for giving up. I don't think that I'm pathetic for giving up. I've been through so much shit already so I deserve my peace. I just want my torment to end and I know that it can't end if I were to continue living unless if I didn't have to worry about anything in life such as work, university, responsibilities, chronic pain, old age, opportunities to suffer horrifically etc. If these things were guaranteed to not happen to me, I'd choose to live through life but reality is not that generous.

I can only be at peace once I'm dead because there is no longer any "me" since the brain is switched off. Existence can never grant me the peace that I'm looking for. I do feel happiness from small moments and whatever but it doesn't outweigh the torment and suffering that I go through from merely living. I just want to sleep permanently and be done with it. I want the nightmare to end

 

[blood-orange]

I feel like my life is unlivable because i'm autistic. I can't adapt to the rules that everyone else does to live a normal life. I have a job but it requires such a high level of conforming to other peoples rules that I feel like I have no control over my life, even though it's just a normal full time job. I struggle to socialise with people and i have crippling anxiety about it, so i'm pretty isolated. I've spent so many years trying to conform to other people's rules that I have no sense of what I want. I'm so hypersensitive to everything that it makes life impossible to navigate.
Essentially, i'm 25 years old and due to undiagnosed autism and mental illness, my drive to live is absolutely dead.