I don't have an identity anymore. I think that. It's because of my O.C.D. I believe. I don't even write on this site anymore, even though it used to help me so much, to write my thoughts somewhere and keep a note of all the good things inside of me so when I'd be too busy doing the bad stuffs, I could come back to the notes I've made here and convince myself that I was a diferent person or even might still be, inside. That was if i ever wanted start again. But I stopped writing on this website. This was the only place I used to vent on. This was the only place that I would call being used as social media by me, For 3 years ( almost ). No friends, No outside activities, No interactions even on the internet - I want you to imagine that. Literally, word to word, imagine what i wrote. You can say a few interactions outside, relatives and neighbours and visting shops or random stuffs. That was it though. The first few years, it was deliberate ( 1.5 years ). I was punishing myself for being immoral and selfish because my actions or carelessness affected other people really badly. What eventually happened in my time when I spent doing nothing but consuming media at home was that I developed O.C.D. With time, it increased because I had a very lowered self esteem now, since I didn't exercise anymore, I didn't eat right anymore, I didn't take care of my body, educate me etc. I do not like how I am right now. My O.C.D. is making it difficult for me to write even now. But if I don't write now, It might just be another few days until I didn't. I can't keep postponing out of fear. The O.C.D. has made things so bad, paired with the low self esteem that now I cannot willingly step outside of my house for the most part. I fear I'll do random acts that would embarass me or make me get thrashed. That, and the low self esteem causing me to believe that everybody is always judging me and comparing me. I have this longing to be superior, If i ditch that, I can feel better about the fear of judgementals. I wish I could just gather the courage to kill myself but I won't lie, I honestly feel like there's somethings that are keeping me attached to life. My self control and discipline is really bad too. I look at Porn and Masturbate multiple times, that makes me really insensitive, to emotions and simple joy. These things make me feel like an animal, temporarily, that is too attached to the superficial that he cannot kill himself. Porn is a cope by the way. I get really, really anxious and turn to it. I feel morally bad to even consider looking at other women but that is the things which works so well in getting my head off of the anxiety though. I was stupid with my actions. I am stupid with my actions. I don't know what to do anymore because it started off with being a philosophical/mental/emotional problem and now it is a genuine Mental/physical/survival problem. I can't care enough about treatments and self improvement and anything at fucking all because my survival is at stake. I am from a third world country and I did not join college. It's been 3 years since I got out of 12th standard. I have to earn to sustain a living.
I have also had really bad and upsetting ideas about other women, people etc. It was from being too much in the Neets, looksmax community I believe. I don't want to think like that about other people but fuck, I don't even know what the fuck I actually am like. I am afraid, I really am a bit bad than what I thought I was like. I can't figure out my likes and wants even. It's like my brain's at zero, it's empty. O.C.D. Kicking in, gotta go!
Grammar issues exist but I won't edit. Sort of want to keep it there like an emotional rant. Night, Bye!
I have also had really bad and upsetting ideas about other women, people etc. It was from being too much in the Neets, looksmax community I believe. I don't want to think like that about other people but fuck, I don't even know what the fuck I actually am like. I am afraid, I really am a bit bad than what I thought I was like. I can't figure out my likes and wants even. It's like my brain's at zero, it's empty. O.C.D. Kicking in, gotta go!
Grammar issues exist but I won't edit. Sort of want to keep it there like an emotional rant. Night, Bye!
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