Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Electra]

Anxious, but I'm thinking I can reduce the anxiety today. So I'm gonna try doing that.

 

[S like suicide]

Crazy...i touched the lowest of he low rock bottom

 

[Cavalcade]

Surprisingly good? I finally cut out really awful people from my life, and after awhile of just keeping to myself- I got the energy to start reaching out to other friends, diving into a new creative community where I've had pleasant chats with lovely people- and right now have a lovely little PBP TTRPG group and biweekly writing group check ins to look forward to, starting in early February. I've been having a great time, and it's been so nice connecting with people, and deepening existent friendships. It's been such a breath of fresh air, and a stark realization that uh, most of my previous issues had nothing to really do with me or my personality- it was just abjectly a really abusive environment. My brother's been doing better, too, so everything's been on the up and up. I'm grateful for this community for being here when I direly needed a place to vent and talk about what was going on, but a part of me is sort of happy I haven't needed to rely on it as extensively as of late. I hope everyone here can feel as at ease, too.

 

[TheHolySword]

i need to die. let me die. end this suffering. let me be free. stop making me stay. it's agony. i can't fucking do this. i'm waiting until may so my life insurance can pay out but there's not even a guarantee that it will because insurance companies are evil scummy greedy bastards who can all rot in hell. i'm only here so my brother can have a better shot at a better life and he might not even get the fucking money. it might all just be worthless. why am i even here. i want to die so fucking badly.

 

[ma0]

My room is a fucking mess, and I don't intend on doing anything about it anytime soon.

Apart from that, the usual. Eyes wide to prevent falling asleep, Youtube recommended running dry this time at night, trying to postpone sh by maybe another hour, nobody's online and I could probably CTB about now, but I won't. I've just not been pushed that far yet. Apathetic.

 

[skylight7]

Deep loss, severe depression, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, isolation, betrayal, resentment, and regret.

 

[greebo6]

Quite scared and very anxious

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Excited to die... Been thinking of death... didn't sleep for 24hrs now... Just wanna be dead soon Excited!!

 

[whitetaildeer]

not too long ago, before i was actively suicidal, my father asked me if i was happier. he has been asking me this ever since i moved in with him, every few months, and i don't know why. i always say yes. it's... not exactly a lie. it was either move him with him, or get trafficked or sent to an assisted living village i had no business being in by my family, which has a history of abusive workers and catty executives. neither option is pleasant, but the latter is, obviously, worse. i've just never been good at being voicing my thoughts and feelings, nevermind the fact that i don't want to. even on sasu, it's more difficult than it has any right to be.

but, carrying on, the last time my father asked if i was happier-- before i started being active here, and well before i made up my mind on ctb-- i just gave a rather passive "soon" as a reply. he gave me some reproachful look, but said nothing, and left my room. he's responsible for why i'm alive; i wonder if he'll ever know that he'll be apart of the reason why i'll soon be dead, too.

 

[Prism]

I want to rip my face off

 

[Pennyroyal]

Exhausted. Can't move my body.

 

[Electra]

Tense, my muscles are tense, they ache. I wanna relax.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I just feel sad… sad that this life is a scam and I have to go to sleep to pretend that my dreams are a better reality and if not, I get scammed by that by having insomnia or worse, reminded that my emotions seeps through my dreams and go into other worlds that are better than this shit…

 

[CTB Dream]

rly needend this rly awfl all day pain sffr nobod knw nobod undrstd

 

[Promised Heaven]

Quit social media again. I don't understand how people dont get anxiety and dread.

Also how is a forum about suicide the most comforting place to be in? Maybe because I feel at home here...

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I feel annoyed… I wonder why people made me the why that I am as it's not only that… but the human body too. I can't sleep and tried eating, drinking, I feel tired… people make me tired. I feel so damn tired… I wanna be fucking dead and not deal with painful memories of trauma and annoyance knowing that there's no hope, especially in a peaceful sleep you want your way… that type of hatred makes you feel stuff: especially annoyed at the outcomes it brings.
And my roommate wants me to feel uncomfortable with the heater and being around people for any longer will drive me fucking mad and insane especially as I have to hear her talking about how happy she is to have me for a roommate and how she enjoys my company — which I appreciate — but everything about this world makes me so annoyed like crazy!

 

[disjuj]

I feel like a shell of my former self.

 

[Prism]

every other person on this site seems to have a benzo script and yet I was denied

 

[Electra]

La la la la la la la
I feel like I wanna continue to try and get better. And to worry less. Like it's a task I have to do. Like a promise?

 

[billie]

i had an appointment with my social
worker
she is so unprofessional
she just blamed me the whole time
i know that i'm a bad person
i know that i do everything wrong and can't do anything right
i should just kill myself
that's better for me and everyone else too

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

i had an appointment with my social
worker
she is so unprofessional
she just blamed me the whole time
i know that i'm a bad person
i know that i do everything wrong and can't do anything right
i should just kill myself
that's better for me and everyone else too

You are not the problem… she is!! You deserve better and did not deserve such a certain amount of what was done to you to be treated as that. She is a monster for her responses in a unprofessional setting

 

[Promised Heaven]

Daydreaming of an unrealistic fantasy that mental health workers are actually really kind people who are able to tolerate the people they're trained to treat instead of blaming people for naturally responding to traumatic situations the way they did.

That's how it should work anyway.

I'm also fantasizing that therapists and psychologists are taking notes of what the suicidal say here and actually using it to help people in treatment instead of seeing this as a mass killing cult.

 

[anxious_depressive]

I'm so tired, I fell down the stairs today from exhaustion.

Feel disgusted with everything and myself.

I'm unrequitedly in love, and it breaks my heart.
He's a good man.
He doesn't need someone like me.
I'm an ugly, stupid, sick bitch.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Cold. Empty. Untethered.

 

[Electra]

TIred. Insomniac. Guilt. Gut-wrenching.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

It's been a few days since my bf has last messaged me. We usually text every day. I've sent him so many messages and no reply. I tried emailing him and haven't gotten any response from him. I wonder if he's in the hospital. I'm getting worried because I don't want anything to happen to him. I love him so much. I hope if he's okay.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm absolutely terrified of my attempt not working because the fact that I only have one shot at this terrifies the fuck out of me. If I fail, I'm just screwed. I wouldn't be scared if I live alone but since I live with parents, I have to ctb in a hotel which causes risks in itself. If I lived alone, I would have a complete piece of mind as then I can't comprehend as to what would stop me.

As of right now though, I just have to play a risky game with fire and hope for the best. I did all that I can (which isn't really saying much as I'm stupid as fuck) to try and mitigate the risks but of course every suicide attempt will have risks in it unless if you're lucky enough to be allowed euthanasia. I just hate at how humanity's notions about life and death make it far more difficult for us to actually die since we have to do it in secret and in a place where we won't get resuscitated. It's absolutely fucking dismal.

Well, there's nothing that I can do except to push forward but fuck am I immensely terrified

 

[2messdup]

Demotivated stuffed full and nauseous from comfort eating last night. On edge cos came close last night but called the crisis team and it was my favourite worker so felt very comforted but she suggested something that didn't chime right and Im sure she got it from my notes so it sounded false so introduced a bad note to our conversation after it was over and now I'm scared they'll change my mental health worker and my therapy because I'm really struggling but there's nothing wrong with MH worker or therapy,they're perfect, it's just I am so lonely I have no one to talk to so it's been months of only therapy and no support. And I feel like I've got mountains to climb cos I've got a big strenuous task to do today when I've got no mental energy to do it, and a workman's coming tomorrow and I think he's got the potential to rip me off and I can't even organise washing myself coherently so how am I going to check on him. And I'm dreading him coming here and it's going to be until end of next week, because I'll have to act normal and it's so stressful that he'll even be here. And another mountain is seeing my MH worker after calling the crisis team because I feel like I've failed and let him down and I'm being so needy because I've asked him to phone me and emailed him twice about different things within the last 10 days and I'm really struggling and can't do the therapy and try so hard and spend hours every night battling my alters or fragments or whatever they are until I have to phone a helpline. And I'm scared because ive got to see a horrible bored uncaring psychiatrist in a few weeks and last time he triggered bad flashbacks and he really is bad because I once saw a really nice really good psychiatrist and they are nothing like each other. And there's so much stuff I have to do today and every day all I want to do is stay in bed with the radio news show on so quiet I can't here the words. And my dog I used to live so much is just a chore and annoying and I hate myself for that. I'm just overwhelmed I suppose but it's killing me. There. I wrote and didn't think. Pathetic aren't I?

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I feel fucking annoyed to deal with the people in my life thats what I feel. I hate this existence and am wished it stopped operating and just real down for a bit so I can get the hell out of this damn nightmare

 

[Electra]