Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

Most importantly fact is that I decided to no longer live in my childhood home and run away. Short story: my parents rented a room for me where I study on an university and I should get a degree after 3 years, now it's a 5 year for me. I go by train two times for week bc I have only 3 classes. And my "father" lost his license drive a few months ago, surprise, surprise, bc he drank beers next day after drinking vodka on Saturday. Nobody seems his abusive behavior and problem with drinking. I don't care anymore bc he didn't change a thing after he told me to CTB last year. I'm too tired and it's affecting my therapy bc I can move on.
So I will try to convince my grandparents and uncle (they live together, now it's his house) to live with them soon until I get my degree, find a job and place to live. I don't to ask anyone for many.
But if it wouldn't work I need a backup plan and it's literally running away. I have some money, but it's not much before I could find a job (where I need a place to stay with an address). I don't have any contact with my old friends. I don't want to stop studying and having a therapy every week. But I can't live in this life anymore after I changed and grow up. Does someone have any thoughts or tips about living on the streets or legal advice? I just know I have my rights and my sister lied to a curator at an unannounced hearing, when I was in another city. I know my laws can be different in someone else county, but I don't know, go straight to the curator, testimony on a court next month, blackmail? I just want it to stop.

 

[Electra]

I feel drained and exhausted. Some anxiety lingering. But there's also some level of accomplishment and satisfaction. Maybe even some fulfillment.

 

[Cavalcade]

Eating a bastardized version of poutine I made for myself while huddled on the stairs. Resentful. If I'm such an imposition on the people in my life, then removing myself from theirs is really a nicety. Spiralling harder into the social isolation issue. Not willing to give them the peace of mind that everything is 'fine' or that I 'just need some time alone before they're back to normal' because things haven't been fine for a very long time, and they refuse to acknowledge that.

 

[theater]

I would like to fall asleep into a partial hanging and never wake up.

 

[Cavalcade]

Exhausted. Really upset by the fact that people I considered my friends- who I've spent hundreds of hours with around the table, haven't reached out at all to me post-attempt and shuttling myself off into social isolation. I'm bitter that I introduced them, and they've become fantastic friends with one another and a new spouse- it just feels like once more, I've been cast off to the side once I've become inconveniently mentally ill, and they're able to walk way with shiny bright connections and hundreds of thousands of words of writing, without giving me a second glance in the rear view mirror.

What's so wrong with me that I'm able to connect other people well, and they all end up shunning me in the end? It just sucks. It's hard not to feel disposable. It's even worse when people confirm what they were offended to know you already believed, because how could you think that of me? How could you be so cruel in your assumptions? And yet, you know, it always pans out that way... I was talking about it all with my brother recently, and he said it's because she's the textbook example of a fairweather friend. Which, sure, I knew deep down- but it still hurts. I'm still sad that people I spent so much time with couldn't give less of a fuck as to whether I was dead or not.

Just found out that one of these people has cut me off entirely without so much as a goodbye or even notice of the fact. FML.

 

[m3i906]

I am so worried about the future. I am conflicted but certain at the same time? Overall, a whirlwind of thoughts and tribulations...

 

[bluejorvik]

Can't sleep. Ruminating over everything that has gone wrong recently. Feel like I've wasted my potential, feel like a failure. Don't know how I can sit with these feelings if it doesn't get better from here. Feel like I can't catch a break from the universe. Wishing to be able to go to sleep and preferably not wake up. Tiny bit of me wants to keep trying but all my resilience is gone and I just don't know if I can take another setback

 

[CogitoMori]

I miss Jason. I miss being treated like a human being

 

[crayonscrayons]

i'm feeling really hopeless again
I'm also feeling like i'm a fucking dramatic bitch and I hate myself
my ultimate wish is for me and my friends to be so happy together and to be so kind and have fun and laughter
but that is all made up stuff for kids. that's not actually real. I will lose all these friends all over again. Forever.
I'm feeling like I was designed to be alone. I was alone for so many years, for 10 years I was alone, then finally I wasn't, and now i'm so scared again that I am indefinitely becoming alone again, and i know it is all my fault.
my heart is so hollow I can't do anything.

if I can't have that wish, then my other wish
is that everyone that ever knew me has to forget me
they all forget me
no one knows me
they don't remember me, or recognize me. I never existed to them.
then I can kill myself
then I can kill myself without the guilt that i'm going to hurt them
no place feels like home to me
I'm just so scared
i'm so afraid
I have a whole entire beating body
but my brain is just nothing but horror, even though it controls this all
I hope one day I can be normal

today I brushed my teeth after I woke up
I vacuumed a bit
I put some clothes away
I listened to some new music
I talked to some strangers online
this all kinda sounds good
but i'm just hoping my heart goes UP from here
because right now I have no idea how I managed to do all that
somehow, listing it has put a little bit of stuff there to fill the absolute deepest bit of the hole, but will it all last for long I don't know

 

[Electra]

I'm feeling a little reluctant today, but at the same time I feel trepidation. Overall, undecided and going back and forth.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

I'm not sure what to think right now, I hear a lot of things H24. Especially the fact that everyone in the neighborhood is talking about me.
During my last hospitalization at last Christmas a psychiatrist told me that it was impossible for me to hear through the walls and yet I am extremely convinced
If this is real I feel that my last pleasure which is also my way to counter my survival instinct is not possible. At the same time... Most of the time they think I'm a cop I'll probably have to go through someone else to get what I need.
I also hesitate a lot to write what I live or what I really think because I believe that people know who I am here. At the same time I don't care a bit since I plan to change my strata soon. Fortunately I now have access to the sanctuary, which will allow me to still make a goodbye message with at least 3 months in advance of possible readings. But what will happen beyond that for some of my relatives? I don't know. I do care, but it will be beyond my influence.
I don't know, I mostly feel bad about the people that what I wrote could affect.

 

[Electra]

Unsure. Some longing, a little bit apprenhensive, some anxiety. Waiting to complete the list.

 

[LostLily]

Hopeless,
I'm already at max dosage for my anti-dosage and my doctor can't up it any further.

 

[CTB Dream]

this rly awfl me no slf no any need euthnas

 

[Raven o(T□T)o]

My deterioration:

Troubles follow; they cling, they stay,
No matter the path, they find their way.
Control slips like sand through my hands,
A silent witness to life's demands.

You reap what you sow, the whispers say,
But what of the seeds cast astray?
Do they grow wild, beyond my view,
Or am I bound to this endless hue?

The scales are tipping, and the payment is due.
My life's out of balance, and I'm paying the price, too.
Voices scream, "End it!"
No, I scream back, "Stop!"
Pleading for silence, for the voices to slack.
But I'm sinking deeper, into this tar-black night...
Drowning, pleading, asking, should I let go?


Written by Rave

 

[render]

sometimes i read old messages and it hurts more than any razor blade or hunger pang or ice cube ever could

 

[Electra]

There's some lingering anxiety, a sense of anticipation, and a slight deviation toward breaking out of the routine.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

I almost felt better today but then I saw someone far younger than me who accomplished far more things in their spare time than I did 5 years of college and I remembered that i wanted to kill myself again

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Well, I'm feeling good because somehow I actually did alright in my courses. I also somehow got an A- in cognitive neuroscience, which was surprising (the course is fun but it's also a pain in the ass). Looks like my ability to absorb as much information as possible during my last minute study sessions and bullshit my way through exams is starting to pay off.

 

[grungy自殺]

despise life, can't be alright, happy, friends are barely worth reaching out.....

Hate shit

 

[CTB Dream]

this lif all awfl me pain sffr injury damage nobod knw nobod care this lif all nonsns

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

I feel like a drug addict without the drugs, if that makes any sense

 

[crayonscrayons]

i'm afraid of every little bit of motivation I feel
I don't trust it, I'm afraid it's pathological
it's driving me crazy, I shouldn't worry so much about it, because then I truly go insane and I don't get anything done
if I feel motiation to do something, anything, I should just go on with it.
im still afraid, but I just do it anyway. little things, like washing my face, or house cleaning. I shouldn't be afraid.
when I was less aware, I thought every feeling was for real. now, I think every feeling is for fake.

idc. I should just stop posting online, I feel rlly annoying. I should just read books, bc I haven't read enough. be a nomad for a while.

 

[madscotsman]

Pissed off, I'm pissed at these same four fuckin walls, the monotomy, im sick of this torment in my head, I'm sick of this stagnant bullshit, wasting away and smoking myself to death in a shithole apartment

 

[Electra]

I feel hopeful that I can break through perfectionism and stop making every little thing a huge deal.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

Just woke up. Haven't even gotten the chance to open my eyes fully yet and my day is already ruined and already feeling pissed off.

 

[razorblade_sky]

Obtained an Antiemetic today. First tried online but got refunded. Tried booking a doctor's appointment where I complained about headaches and nausea. Doctor looked over my medical history, I saw it flash up on the screen about how I have a plan to take my life. Not sure if he knew what I was angling for, but annoyingly he prescribed me Mirtazapine. He said nausea could be because of my anxiety. Said taking this would cause my anxiety to get better and then I wouldn't be nauseous. Thought I'd better get the prescription so as not to raise suspicion, annoying waste of money.

Eventually I just walked into boots, and said can I have some Buccastem M (Prochlorperazine) please. She asked me what it was for. I said I've been having a migraine and it's been making me feel sick. I lied and said I've booked a doctor appointment for the migraine but it's not until after Christmas and I don't want to feel nauseous over the holidays. I thought there might be more pushback from her or she would investigate my medical history, but she just bagged it up, I paid and left.

Feels a bit scary that I now have everything I need. In an ideal world I'd have a sedative, but I don't think it's possible in the UK. Although I've not properly looked into it yet…might be what I do tonight.

Considering a date of 31st / 1st. There's a ten-mile woodland circuit where me and my sister used to run around separately and time ourselves, when she used to live nearby. It was fun gloating about beating her time to only be beaten a few days later, it was a fun challenge! At the time I was trying to loose weight, so I think she was being sweet and keeping my motivation going by only slightly beating me each time. Think I'll go there in the early hours of the morning, walk half way around, go off trail and follow the comprehensive SN guide.

Although still having doubts. Part of me says "things could get better!" but then I've been hearing that part for a year now and I feel I'm in a worse position both physically and mentally since my attempt in May. I don't think things can get better, but that doubt remains, could just be survival instinct? Just feeling so tired and defeated.

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm just sorry. I'm so sorry. to everyone I've hurt to get here. everyone I've pushed away because I thought I was soaring them the final pain. I'm sorry to everyone I'm going to devastate when it happens. I'm sorry this is who I am, I'm sorry this is what my life has become. I'm just. sorry. please forgive me.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I genuinely want to be happy or at least prepared. I've been too swamped with work. I'm so tired to hype myself. I have a shift in an hour. I want to go back to sleep.

 

[Electra]

I'm a little exhausted, and I can feel the energy levels slowly going down. Embracing full holiday spirit of doing nothing? Maybe. We'll see after the holidays I guess lol.