Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[CTB Dream]

this v sad see time mov mov noable doany

 

[gloomurai]

i dont know why i expect so much.. things go bad everytime i want to help myself. m=why do i feel awful when im "better"? why do i yearn for things that are unhealthy. I just want to say im sorry.

 

[kenma0]

i miss someone, but im starting to feel anger at them too. its weird. i feel betrayed and left behind, like our time together didnt matter to him. like he doesnt care what he did to me or how he treated me. i wish he knew how much i want to die because of him. i almost want to cbt just to make him feel a little ounce of regret for the treatment he gave me. i would never know if it would do anything, because id be dead lol, but if i end up a ghost, id haunt him. id ruin him. but i miss him and love him still. anyone else feel this? missing someone who destroyed you? its because of my self esteem. most people can move on pretty easily. people who love themselves, but im not one of those people. i love too hard. it sucks

i dont know why i expect so much.. things go bad everytime i want to help myself. m=why do i feel awful when im "better"? why do i yearn for things that are unhealthy. I just want to say im sorry.

i also yearn for unhealthy things. made me feel more than them being gone. why does this happen? who knows lol. sometimes i feel i dont deserve to feel "better" you know?

 

[fleetingnight]

I hate coming in just to vent when I haven't been here/engaged with anyone's posts in a while...

...But, work has me so exhausted, I can barely do anything else.

If this is what it takes to survive, I don't think I want to.

 

[KrowaKovsky]

i called out of work today because i just couldn't do it today, mentally, and i also just couldn't make the walk because my crippled ass cant be normal. ofc i got plenty of "if you're feeling better later in the day you should come in! we really could use the help and your absence makes everything more compacted and stressful!" which made me feel worse about just not being able to mentally or physically today which makes everything fucking worse.

and here i am sitting at my computer just kind of rotting because i havent had time to myself for the last few months it feels, work till you drop i guess. i hate making other people suffer so i can have a break but considering i still work the rest of the week sans christmas day, i think they're going to be fine

i just want a break, i want to be able to come in, do my shit, then leave on time. im so tired of staying late because other people want to go home early, it's just a constant frustrating circle;

work > coworkers leave even though they arent done > end up staying late so things get done > get in trouble for staying late, repeat
or it's
work > coworkers leave even though they arent done > dont stay late & just leave at the time im supposed to > get in trouble

 

[FinalVoid25]

Mental and physical pain

 

[J&L383]

Looking forward to sleep tonight.

 

[princessame]

There's a lot of things on my mind..
for starters, i feel pretty unlovable. it isnt that im super ugly (although i do feel quite ugly right now with my HORRIBLE HAIRCUT) but the fact that im always sexualized. i try to talk to men all the time but its always them being super fucking creepy to me (i mean, not ALWAYS, but a vast majority). on top of that, i prefer women anyway! and i barely ever connect with any women ever. im searching for this ideal person that doesnt even exist. and even if i did find this ideal person, id have to worry about them liking me back at all. its a never-ending battle with no victory. i always feel like im going to be used or sought out after as a body rather than as a person, and it just makes me sad. i want to feel comfortable in my skin, and i want someone to protect me
im always the one who is doing the protecting, who puts up all these walls, but i want to be able to let go for once, to cry fully and truly, and to have someone to hold onto and love. it hurts my heart deeply. I hope that i can find someone i can fall in love with, and truly trust. but i dont know if that day will ever come..

 

[crayonscrayons]

I don't feel well. I feel scared and sad. I could go on and on but I'll just sound crazy. I'm still unwell. I have not returned to normality, even though I go on and on trying to analyse everything so I can tell myself I am normal again, i'm still not. I can't do this without meds, i'm a disappointment. I'm crazy and it's getting worse. the symptoms cause distress of course, but what also causes me distress is how I can tell I'm not well, but I can do nothing to stop it. being "aware" dosn't fix this. And the wait as I'm waiting to feel a sense of nromality, and then worrying that this time I will never be normal again. I try to ignore everything, but it affects me every day, and makes me feel unworthy of anything. I could say it over and over, I'm so scared. I;m so scared. I'm so scared. I'm not scared of anything more than just everything. I could go on and on trying to figure out exactly what it is that i'm so scared of, but i'll lose my way. I haven't showered fully in 3 months like a true schizophrenic, even though i'm not schizophrenic, i'm bipolar, because I return to normality, and it makes me so frustrated by the fact that I truly was afraid of a camera in a heat pump today. I just don't know how to handle the fact i know these things are fake but I must act in fear anyway. I don't know what that makes me. and I want to stay up again because i'm nervous about something I'm not even sure what it is. all I know is that I'm really enjoying the book I'm reading right now. I can clean myself in rlly small ways, like individual parts of me at a time. my bed stresses me out, and I wish I was brave enough to shower. and I have to write this all out again and again in different ways on different days in order to slap myself in the face. reiterate to recall

 

[Thisisnotaname]

I don't always understand his logic ... He knows I don't care but it still pisses him off
And although we do not live together he knows very well what I will do but not when

 

[Electra]

I feel physical symptoms of anxiety, but the overall mood is not bad. I guess I can call it a dissonance.

 

[Cavalcade]

Incredibly annoyed. The stalker and harasser that my so called "friends" chose their desire to make friends with over my safety has been combing through my old anonymized forum history (moderators refused to delete it or the accounts) on another site and is pulling out some of my favourite obscure musical artists to present as their own unique tastes they just so happened to come across.

It's stomach turning. Pisses me off since music is super meaningful to me, and those aren't artists that have any significant mainstream presence or fan base online, so it's incredibly obvious that they're trying to imitate me- much like they had reacted furiously and vengefully when I didn't want to befriend them based solely off of the fact they thought we should be because we're both LGBT and their public attempts to "bond" over poetry (by openly pinging me and my friend and attempting to present it as if I had expressed prior interest) were rebuffed. Not to mention the creepiness of them barging into a group activity and insistently scribbling their own contribution as if anyone had invited them, to be seen in public in association awhile back. It's so goddamn creepy that even when I'm absent they're trying so hard to wear my skin. Ugh.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

I'm only 25 and it already feels like the best years of my life are behind me.. FAR behind me. Just waiting to die out

 

[Electra]

I was okay at first, then felt this heaviness in my insides that I can't quite explain. I'm not sure whether it's anxiety, but it's gut wrenching for sure.

 

[Electra]

I'm feeling unclear today. In the morning and daytime I was pretty neutral. Then I actually felt relaxed. Rn I'm in pain. Hopefully it'll subside soon.

 

[-Link-]

HOLY ever-living FUCK, this time of year is soul-crushingly hard.

sjdfhkldhfhasdjklfhulgarhgvukarhfjklvhajklhdgj

 

[Lullaby]

I feel like such a broken record, it's kind of embarrassing.

My emotional state is really like a rollercoaster; sometimes I feel like maybe if I push hard enough, I'll have a chance to beat this and eventually have the happiness I've been chasing since I was a child…

Then other times, I feel content. I've been on here for years, but I think I'm only now just getting more comfortable with the idea of dying.

I'm a really big horror fan, and I'm not affected by fictional gore, but I've always tried to avoid looking at the real stuff. For some reason, it's been recently popping up on my Twitter feed, and I'm just…not fazed by it. I think it's me coming terms with it. I'm not sure how to explain it.

I have absolutely no one I can depend on right now; no friends, no support, etc. No one really seems to care about me or my existence.

I call people and they don't pick up.

I tweet posts, and my old e-friends don't even bother talking to me anymore.

My therapist and psychiatrist ended my services when I began ECT…

Which I don't feel has been helping. The team I work with are really nice, amazing people and doctor is really pushing me to try and do things, but I'm still incredibly unhappy. This entire process has really put things into perspective for me…I'm living and fighting — for other people.

I don't want to be here anymore. I just refuse to leave my cat behind. I'm willing to deal with the pain of losing him first before I go.

I also really don't want to hurt my mom. We've had a rocky relationship since I was a kid, but she's been there for me throughout this ECT process, and she's lost so many people over the last couple of years. I don't know.

I'm just getting more and more comfortable with the thought of dying. It's starting to scare me less and less, which is sad.

I turn 31 next Summer, and my entire life so far has been filled with drama, pain and sadness. I've had some brief periods of happiness, and I just wish that was the constant.

It's gotten to the point where I struggle not cry when outside.

I'm tired of fighting.

 

[TheHolySword]

last time i'll spend this holiday with any of you. last time i'll ever see some of you. i am broken, empty, alone. curse this miserable life. i wanted to be so much more.

 

[jbugshe]

I feel exhausted. I don't feel this low always, but I always come back to this feeling. Alternatively, you could say I always go back to being happy, i guess it is just how you look at it. But the lows are so low. Recently I have been weighing the pros and cons of continuing, and I don't know the answer. I am so so tired. I feel like I am always at war with myself and i dont know what to do.

 

[broken_doll]

I don't really know anyone else that loves movies like I do. I saw an indie one last night and ugh it was so good but I'm so sad nobody I know will ever watch it by virtue of it being. Not a big budget movie and it's not in English and. Yeah. Well. Idk I'm just sad I can't gush about it anywhere. Even when doing something solitary I apparently still want human connection. Fml

 

[kitia973]

Pretty much just the effects of chronic sleep deprivation. But I simutaneously cannot sleep, so the cycle just goes on and on.

Other than that I feel pretty numb about everything. That is probably due to being in the same closed-off environment for too long, but never attempting go outside the comfort-zone to do anything meaningful. But life is meaningless, so why should that matter?

Very tired.

 

[Hollowman]

I feel nothing I'm completely emotionaly detached.

 

[attheend13]

Numb and distant

 

[shadowsandink]

My head hurts. I don't know if it was because of insomnia, or because I hit my head hard on the fridge a few times the other day to stop my mind from thinking. Hopefully no permanent damage from concussion or anything like that.

I'm also feeling a bit sick. Hope I can recover quick so I don't feel more anxiety about falling behind in tasks.

 

[Salkak]

I feel empty and extremely sad. I worry about future and all I see is pitch black. I wanted to off myself. But I think about what would happen to my family. If I fail an attempt I won't be able to look my mother in eyes. Yesterday while buying SN, I was caught. Even though I managed to hide it but I still feel scared. Really really scared. If SN is taken away from me then I'll have to go for painful methods . Yesterday my brother was crying and telling me how much my family has sacrificed for me. That made me feel worse. My heart is feeling unbearable sadness

 

[crayonscrayons]

I can't stand this. I was never sent to therapy, I was never helped! I had to do this all by myself! but it's my fault, too, because back then I didn't want to talk to anyone. ever. I'm afraid to talk about things I'm afraid of. I can't remember anything whenever i'm in those time-limited phone calls... just.. it was 1 phone call, and I felt relatively normal, and they asked me vague questions and I downplayed it, because professionals have downplayed my problems in the past, and I didn't want to cause a fuss, so I went along with their idea / the less intense version of my problems, what I thought would make them feel better........ also because in that moment I was so afraid bc I was insane.. just another time I was insane. and it loops back around and eats itself over, becoming endless. I want connection but I want to punish myself by isolating because I don't think I deserve connection when i'm fucked in the head. my nerves hurt. hurt and hurt. And those vague questions I could not remember my emotions at their worst to say them, and I could not understand what would qualify as an answer, because i'm autistic, and I have ocd fear of saying untrue things even as a joke in the fear that they will become real, and I place that rule onto everyone else because I'm so afraid. completely irrelevant. I don;t know how to ask for help. the doctor's office. the therapy numbers. those first. call those first. help yourself, help those around you. you can do it. don't be afraid to tell the professionals just how terrified and scared and sad you really are. don't be scared. I hate it hwne they downplay me and I go along with it!!!!! I hate it!!!! listen to me, it's worse than I said it, not less worse like you are making it out to be!!!! help me please I want friends, I want happiness, I want to think normally, I want to watch films and read books and play videogames and listen to music without it being attached to some points system, or some deserve-it - system, or some fear system, or anything. I can't get over this fear, constant, constantly scared. i've said it so many times I'm so annoying but i'm just so sad. and I don't want to burden the system in fear that i'm not as bad as the other patients that they get, but I want to be free, to be happy , to be normal, not scared. I want it. so bad. I feel sick, I feel guilty, I'm going to be annoying and say over and over and over and over i'm terrified. great, huge feeling. so scared. so scared. I can't say it enough. I say it over and over in the hopes it makes me feel better but I have no idea if it does. get this over with. get this over with. fix me please

 

[SadRatQueen]

It's hard to explain, but it's a mixture of things. I feel empty, but not fully. I feel tired, but not tired enough to sleep. I'm both sad and anxious yet somehow also numb. It's like I exist in an endless void and no matter how hard I scream, not a single sound comes out.

 

[Su Xin]

I feel somewhat numb and just want to escape from everything. I really miss home. The holidays are coming soon—very soon.I'm so looking forward to it...

 

[Electra]

I wanna stop overthinking. I wanna stop feeling guilty about things that are so simple or beyond my reach. I want to let go of all the heaviness. I feel ambivalent.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Like I don't matter.