Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Damn, my mom's an asshole.

 

[TheHolySword]

I don't want to see the new year.

 

[Promised Heaven]

My work has a giant freezer. I ponder about hypothermia being an option. I have massive trust and respect at work and have full access when I generally shouldn't. On major holidays there is almost nobody there (they're closed on Christmas but they run skeleton crew on New Years) and the people running the freezer close it in the early afternoon, so there would be nobody to check up on me, and my department needs minimal work. If I get caught, I could probably claim an accident or something stupid.

I say ponder. I know I won't. My SI is too high.

 

[Electra]

I'm feeling very uncomfortable and unsettled. The inside feeling is strangling me a little bit but I'm trying to calm down. On top of that my ear hurts.

 

[Crash_Bash_Dash]

My mind and feelings are like a supermassive black hole today. I don't care about anything at all, I have a total blackout in my brain aka brainfog and my mood would consume all happiness, light and hope that would be in or around me into an oblivion. I am just nothingness, the end of everything that makes life "the life".

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Well, now I'm back to feeling like crap, though maybe not as badly as before. On Friday, I was with my brother at the mall and I bought this small utility knife that's really sharp and I used it early this morning to cut my thighs. I could only do cat scratches since I didn't want there to be any serious scarring. A part of me wants to try cutting deeper, though I'll need to be careful and think of somewhere where I can do it that will be easy to hide.

I'm starting to feel like a shit again. I feel like a burden. I hate being alive so much. I tried to bond a bit with my little brother the night before but I'm pretty sure I messed up and just ended up humiliating myself and making myself look like a fucking loser. Then again, I am a fucking loser. I feel completely out of place wherever I go. Even here I feel completely out of place and wonder why I even bother with this site sometimes.

 

[SVEN]

Well, if nothing else you've given The Garden a bit of exposure to a new audience who may appreciate them. And, though I still don't quite know why, "What else could I be but a Jester" always gives me a wee smile, so thankies for that one.
I've never had any urge to SH (unless a litre of cheap Vodka daily a few years back counts) so I can't offer any helpfull or constructive comments as regards that. However please be kind to yourself & stay safe.

 

[UnnervedCompany]

So tired.

 

[Namelesa]

Trapped and doomed to this existence. Mental health help is useless but I am forced to keep living. I just want to physically see and hug my friend again but I can't cus I am literally trapped in this house by my parents while he is too scared to go against his mum to go and see me.

 

[Electra]

Anxiety, not sure what else is hiding there, it kinda overwhelms all the other feelings.

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

type,
i am me, life is what it is.
up and down, left and right. round and rouund

i feel...

 

[beseechgod]

Grief loss regret shame guilt sorrow despair self-loathing self-disgust hopelessness fear

 

[TheHolySword]

i miss you. i miss your laugh and your smile and your voice. i'm sorry for what i did but im glad i could spare you the pain of my death. i hope you're happy

 

[broken_doll]

Invisible how can i get myself to matter to anyone I sit and stare at zero notifications or messages I try my hardest to always think of others and put them first but i mean nothing I'm truly a worthless waste of breath and air and resources the guilt that consumes me each day for being a drain is devastating

 

[Electra]

Scared, worried, overwhelmed. I feel like I'm constantly ruminating over being anxious and worried. Never ending cycle that I want to stop now.

 

[CTB Dream]

rly awfl lif me all pain sffr no stop

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

alone I wander
nothing left to say

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Deep depression....
Slept in today wanted to go back to bed a few hours later. I have barely stayed awake. I will probably go to bed soon. I hope I don't ever wake up.
I'm so exhausted....

 

[Cavalcade]

Exhausted. Really upset by the fact that people I considered my friends- who I've spent hundreds of hours with around the table, haven't reached out at all to me post-attempt and shuttling myself off into social isolation. I'm bitter that I introduced them, and they've become fantastic friends with one another and a new spouse- it just feels like once more, I've been cast off to the side once I've become inconveniently mentally ill, and they're able to walk way with shiny bright connections and hundreds of thousands of words of writing, without giving me a second glance in the rear view mirror.

What's so wrong with me that I'm able to connect other people well, and they all end up shunning me in the end? It just sucks. It's hard not to feel disposable. It's even worse when people confirm what they were offended to know you already believed, because how could you think that of me? How could you be so cruel in your assumptions? And yet, you know, it always pans out that way... I was talking about it all with my brother recently, and he said it's because she's the textbook example of a fairweather friend. Which, sure, I knew deep down- but it still hurts. I'm still sad that people I spent so much time with couldn't give less of a fuck as to whether I was dead or not.

 

[Timelapse]

Bored to death got mad and lonely

 

[Taigria]

I feel conflicted. I don't know if it's worth it to CtB or not. I have some fear that I'll screw up the headshot, and it makes me feel like a wuss.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Drinking activated charcoal. Suprisingly tasteless, though it's mixed in with lemonade so maybe that's why.

Edit: Turns out it is supposed to have a taste, I just can't taste it due to the sweetness of the lemonade.

 

[ben_]

I have almost nothing on my plate and it's too much. It's absurd. Unexplainably absurd.

 

[CandleShade]

No greater desire exists than a wounded person's need for another wound.

 

[Seaghost]

For the thousendsth of time this Fatique and Darkness came and eat me from inside and I can't do anything than just wait.
No gods or universe make it end. My personally prison is life itself. Thinking of times when all that wasn't yet. Must have been in another universe.
I want to fade away. I want this to stop.
Just wait till its over is not enough.
And above all this hovers loneliness even when people are around me....
I don't know who else to pray to.
Prison everything is prison.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

Most importantly fact is that I decided to no longer live in my childhood home and run away. Short story: my parents rented a room for me where I study on an university and I should get a degree after 3 years, now it's a 5 year for me. I go by train two times for week bc I have only 3 classes. And my "father" lost his license drive a few months ago, surprise, surprise, bc he drank beers next day after drinking vodka on Saturday. Nobody seems his abusive behavior and problem with drinking. I don't care anymore bc he didn't change a thing after he told me to CTB last year. I'm too tired and it's affecting my therapy bc I can move on.
So I will try to convince my grandparents and uncle (they live together, now it's his house) to live with them soon until I get my degree, find a job and place to live. I don't to ask anyone for many.
But if it wouldn't work I need a backup plan and it's literally running away. I have some money, but it's not much before I could find a job (where I need a place to stay with an address). I don't have any contact with my old friends. I don't want to stop studying and having a therapy every week. But I can't live in this life anymore after I changed and grow up. Does someone have any thoughts or tips about living on the streets or legal advice? I just know I have my rights and my sister lied to a curator at an unannounced hearing, when I was in another city. I know my laws can be different in someone else county, but I don't know, go straight to the curator, testimony on a court next month, blackmail? I just want it to stop.

 

[Electra]

I feel drained and exhausted. Some anxiety lingering. But there's also some level of accomplishment and satisfaction. Maybe even some fulfillment.

 

[Cavalcade]

Eating a bastardized version of poutine I made for myself while huddled on the stairs. Resentful. If I'm such an imposition on the people in my life, then removing myself from theirs is really a nicety. Spiralling harder into the social isolation issue. Not willing to give them the peace of mind that everything is 'fine' or that I 'just need some time alone before they're back to normal' because things haven't been fine for a very long time, and they refuse to acknowledge that.

 

[theater]

I would like to fall asleep into a partial hanging and never wake up.

 

[Cavalcade]

Exhausted. Really upset by the fact that people I considered my friends- who I've spent hundreds of hours with around the table, haven't reached out at all to me post-attempt and shuttling myself off into social isolation. I'm bitter that I introduced them, and they've become fantastic friends with one another and a new spouse- it just feels like once more, I've been cast off to the side once I've become inconveniently mentally ill, and they're able to walk way with shiny bright connections and hundreds of thousands of words of writing, without giving me a second glance in the rear view mirror.

What's so wrong with me that I'm able to connect other people well, and they all end up shunning me in the end? It just sucks. It's hard not to feel disposable. It's even worse when people confirm what they were offended to know you already believed, because how could you think that of me? How could you be so cruel in your assumptions? And yet, you know, it always pans out that way... I was talking about it all with my brother recently, and he said it's because she's the textbook example of a fairweather friend. Which, sure, I knew deep down- but it still hurts. I'm still sad that people I spent so much time with couldn't give less of a fuck as to whether I was dead or not.

Just found out that one of these people has cut me off entirely without so much as a goodbye or even notice of the fact. FML.