Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel fat right now. I ate carbonara buldak (I mixed in some cheese and milk with it), a cupcake, chips, two small slices of pizza (they were very small), and shin ramyun today. I feel like I ate too much. My stomach hurts. I feel like I've been eating too much overall as of late. I need to start eating less, especially since I spend a good chunk of my time indoors just lying around. I need to start going back to carefully monitoring what I eat like I did back in high school. It wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds.

I also keep on finding myself wishing I was able to find things to talk about with my bf. It's hard because I have to keep him a secret from my family and I still live with my mom, so I can only talk to him when she's not home. When we text, I can't figure out something to talk about. I told him this today and he was very understanding. He's so sweet. I wish we lived closer to each other so that I could just go over to his place and kiss him right now. I hate that he lives far away. I love him so much. I still find myself scared over the idea of him losing interest in me over time. I kind of suck, so I wouldn't blame him. When he didn't respond to my text messages earlier today, I became scared that he was upset at me or grew tired of me and didn't want to bother with me anymore. I knew deep down inside that he was probably just asleep, but I was still scared about it potentially being a sign that he didn't love me anymore. I love him so much that the idea of losing him pains me. Sometimes, the love I feel for him becomes so overwhelming that it hurts. Sometimes it becomes so intense that makes me feel aroused. I just want him to be happy.

 

[LostLily]

Tired because my mind and heart won't settle down to let me sleep.

 

[scarecrowceb]

Rn I just feel paranoid

 

[OldManOfTheLake]

Oh man, I applied to a university for a PhD program. Part of the application requested making a video stating why you wanted to do a PhD in that topic under that specific professor. Due to size constraints of my video, I gave them a youtube link and kept it delisted (meaning only those with the URL could review my application).

I was rejected without interview, and I can confirm they did not even watch the video. Youtube analytics confirmed that I was the only viewer.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Bored to live there with all of these haters. I can't do anything about my night troubles and I feel miserable every morning

 

[sy46]

I'm really tired, and accepting the idea that I'll have to wake up tomorrow too and not sink into death makes me suffer, I'm at a dead end and I don't have a way out, I would just like to lie down on the bed and eat a lot, it usually helps me when I'm stressed and anxious

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I want to cut again so badly. I keep on having fantasies about cutting deeper and wider than before, especially along my thighs and hips. I find myself wanting to buy some razor blades so that I can go back to cutting again. I hate not being able to self-harm anymore. Now, if I want to self-harm again, I'll probably have to wait until the day I finally move out. I hate this so much. I sometimes think about giving myself some catscratches along my thighs instead as a compromise, along with maybe one or two stryo cuts that I could claim are just from me falling or something. I also think about cutting myself deep, but along my hips so that it's easier to hide, even if it gets warmer and I have to wear a swimsuit. I want to cut myself deep enough that I'd have to get stitches.

 

[CatLvr]

Sick of waking up in pain

I came here to say the same thing. This gets SO old and my pills only barely take the edge off. It is a brutal way to live.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

I accept to look like a fool when I say this to my "relatives" but what else can they do at that level?
When I speak of my voices, they tell me that it is in my head, they tell me that what I say has no meaning yet today I was alerted to a water leak thanks to his voices while I had my headphones. Is it really voices? Not of course but that's what will come out of me when I disappear from this earth. Unfortunately, that's what my mother will say "he was sick" and somehow it hurts me because I'm not sick as this will be understood and in a way these "voices" coming from the neighborhood will win.
I hear him say that I talk about him on the internet. But do I not have the right to express myself too? However, I do not give an identity, I just mention it because in my country an investigation is carried out into suicide which is considered a violent death. I do not attribute my next suicide to his doing, but let's face it... Being aware of what I write here does not make him a stalker? It doesn't matter as far as I'm concerned but my mother will want answers. I guess I'll leave the bookmark on my browser when it's time. Anyway this site will not give any information, that is not the purpose of my approach with this message. But you have to say things at least once.

Good to you friend
I leave a screenshot about your stalker account with my name on my phone.

 

[CTB Dream]

all this pain sffr no stop no resn stay this lif rly hadnf

 

[LostLily]

Feeling better than yesterday because I actually manage to sleep last night. But my tendonitis and cyst on my wrist makes it hard to function in life with the pain . Had to cut down piano, exercise and video games to give my wrist a rest.

 

[Shrooms]

No thinking typing about feeling feeling empty unknown lost doors that open into walls. I can't seem to do it right so I'll try again ah that was wrong too what if no you failed. So I tried and I fixed it I even fixed myself but I failed again well that doesn't make sense I thought I fixed it but I have to make it better I I can't do that.

 

[socrates.]

so exhausted. i feel so hopeless over such a tiny thing and i just need everything to go back to normal or i need to die there is no in between

 

[Promised Heaven]

Want to be loved and appreciated. I want to cry but cannot. I want to be comforted but it's near impossible. I want to be okay.

 

[-Pain-]

self hatred and loneliness

 

[Promised Heaven]

I hate watching shows that have suicide prevention. All dramatics, showing how the suicidial gets saved and it's a good ending because of a sudden change in heart. Not showing the literal trauma afterwards of being dehumanized in the mental health system, glorifying prevention like suddenly it's all okay and any discussion of the post-save is ignored and undermined because the person is alive so they have no right to complain.

The fact I have to CTB alone in fear of being stopped and abused by the system hurts, even though it'll all end in peace. I want that peace.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Not doing well. As usual. Dreading the coming winter. Work is horrible. I hate being alive.
I want to curl up and die.

 

[TheHolySword]

I am alone and I will always be alone and it has always been and always be my own fault. This sadness will never go away. This emptiness will be all that I am. I have nowhere left to go, no one left to know.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly no want this lif me no able do any

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Remembering old times with my mother ( 20 yrs ago) with photos and School report card
Was funny for a time but life overcome. They are making commentary about what we said

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I feel so scared and terrified for life. I'm always so worried and worried down by the constant demands of life. I know that life isn't meant for me as the average person can deal with life's demands easily but I can't. As for why I can't, I honestly just blame my neurotype as I'm neurodivergent and I believe that my brain is absolutely fucked but, then again, I could just be making what seems like a convenient excuse. Regardless of the reason, what matters is the fact that I get so easily overwhelmed with what is expected from me.

Now that would be fine if I could just ctb so that I don't have to deal with life, right? Well, theoretically, yeah, but, in practice, if I get overwhelmed massively due to life, why would suicide also not overwhelm me too? Suicide overwhelms me a lot and I also constantly worry about failing an attempt and having to deal with consequences after that. Those who can access SN and can attempt it multiple times are privileged compared to me as I'd have a hard time trying to get SN and, even if I were to use it, me getting caught with me once will cause me to go through immense consequences (namely being a prisoner to my parents as they force a lot of life loving platitudes as well as religious bullshit nonstop). If I knew that I was guaranteed to die if I were to jump into a random river, I'd be a lot less overwhelmed.

As for now though, I'm overwhelmed with both living and dying. I'm scared of both things and, honestly, I don't want to experience either thing. All I want is death itself, not going through life or the dying process. Seeing other people be so... pro suffering makes me want to vomit and it causes me to experience so many chest pains. I get scared from acknowledging that these types of people are the ones who dictate my life. All I want is permanent cessation of my life, nothing else. For me, the earlier it arrives, the better

 

[sculptingthethrone]

i normally go through cycles of depression and normalcy, but right now i feel absolutely numb, almost like i'm dead inside. you know, i'm listening to an album called "death - pierce me" by the band silencer, which is quite possibly the most depressing piece of media i've ever encountered. i'm re-listening to it, hoping to feel SOMETHING, even if it's negative, but no, there's nothing. my mind is blank right now. i hope things change by tomorrow morning

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm kind of sad since they are now closing all 30 Funguyz locations. Good thing I bought some stuff from one of those dispensaries on Friday. On the bright side, at least there are some other shroom dispensaries in the city I live in. I honestly don't get why so much of our tax dollars go to the police if all they plan on doing is raiding shrooms dispensaries instead doing shit that actually matters.

 

[unsurehowtomove]

A little empty, numb and unsettled. Better than it was but not what it used to be.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Why am I up at 9 AM? It's too early for me. I just want to be back asleep but I'm afraid I won't make it to work if I do.

 

[RCantCope]

I feel.. empty. I've lay on the couch all day, recovering from an event that happened a mere 24 hours prior. I would most definitely like to CTB but.. I've been feeling like that for years, with no real way of doing so without fail.

I just feel numb, tired and bombarded with PTSD thoughts.

 

[daysnumbered]

I feel my phone in my hands.

 

[consider]

I hate to be my parents' retirement plan.

 

[WeepingDragon]

A guttural sound might awaken something in the deaf ears that I find myself in. Brachycardia is a cool word to explain some heart condition, and I feel as slow. Hopefully the momentum ends and I can finally rest in some cozy frigid floors. In the meantime, I admire the lights around me, and take in and share as much goodness as I can. The world is like a spikey place, the highs of life are the tips of them, and the more you fall through, the more fucked up it gets. A good life is like petting a hedgehog in the right way.

This to say, I don't know how to express what I feel in an understandable way, but I do feel something

 

[Dark Moon]

Just bad, negative, empty. I should have never existed in the first place and I still do.