whatsmynameagain2
Member
- Sep 28, 2023
- 26
My heart weeps Its all my fault at the end of the day I can't feel good things without the nose intense of guilt at least right now I am warm but I know the world is endinf
I just want to die. Now. I'm thinking to be horrible and impulsive and just do it with the first thing I can find, and let everybody mad and disappointedI feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.
I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.
I'm somewhat terrified in a good way. Placebo or not I am unusually okay. I am so used to breaking down and being chronically suicidial that anything more than a day of relief terrifies me, like there's a threat upcoming or something much, much, worse coming upon. When you're in pain for so long, anything positive immediately becomes uncomfortable and suspicious. I'm literally doing okay and I'm happy but very uncomfortable and on edge to protect it.It may be a placebo but since I took marijuana I stopped having freakouts and emotional overwhelms for a few days now. It's a comfortable kind of uncomfortable. Stressful situations don't feel as stressful. Things that remind me of my past I shrug off within seconds.
I know this is temporary, and it'll come back after a few more days, but now I seriously question if I have PTSD since there are many studies observing how weed helps people with PTSD. Or even just trauma in general. I'd like to know from another source one day, at least.