Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[ineed2die]

i hate myself. It hurts how much i hate myself. I want to KILL mysellf i want to fucking beat myself up i am so dissugted with myslef.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Fantasizing hiring a legal prostitute to cuddle and comfort me in any way as I cry on their shoulders about my burdens and chronic suicidiality because they aren't mandated reporters and I don't feel restricted like I would hiring a professional cuddler.

I'm so desperate for emotional support...I'm more desperate to die.

 

[neverself]

I wish I could be small and cute again, cuddles with someone sounds nice.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I wished I was dead or killed the people who hurt me or eradicated this existence if I was a magical being... I just want out of this hell... I am literally FUCKING TIRED!!! I just want to destroy something... I want to be dead, I want to hurt myself, but I cant... I want to feel pain so I can know im gonna die... I want to have peace... this world is truly hell... I am so tired and I want to be gone right now!!! I dont want this!!! :(((((

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

Ctb is my miracle, it's warm, indulgent, kind, uniquely comforting compared to anything else in the world.
Thank goodness there is a faucet of rest amidst the slog of reality. If it could materialize physically, I would give it a hug. I have hope for success in ctb despite its high difficulty. After all, no skills are learned all at once. It took me years to learn how to draw a slightly nicer-looking picture, and also many years to play an instrument. I'm sure ctb isn't so different. I'm on that learning curve still practicing how to manage a ligature on the neck, working on tying knots rapidly and tightly. I've failed too many times to count over the last two years or so, and I've still got motivation to continue. simply by the practice, the learning I've done, I've created hope for myself without realising, until now when I've thought about it

 

[Electra]

Pain. I feel in pain right now. Also it's hot. Like burning. I want to feel a cold wind caressing my cheeks and playing with my hair. And I want the moon to stay a little longer. Maybe even charge me with some calm, relaxing energy.

 

[yowai]

Lonely in despair and impulsively depressed like I want to do something stupid just to stop feeling like this

 

[floop]

ngl scared. nothing to do with what i have planned, but scared in the sense that nothing matters and there's something genuinely terrifying about that that level of apathy from the universe. i feel sad and upset with myself beyond belief that i allowed myself to devolve into this sad state, to the point where i pity myself. how could someone have all these thoughts in their head and be expected to carry on every day of life like this, i'm angry, but it's completely with myself i suppose. here's to hoping no matter what happens, it'll all work out and i can free myself of this prison of a mind/existence.

(thank you for this thread, it felt amazing to type that out with no thought)

 

[ilvgore]

cant sleep due to hallucinations really scary but i turned my phones flashlight on now gonna try to sleep baaaai ♡~♡

 

[Electra]

I feel shame. And guilt. So much shame. And for what? Why does it matter? Why do I care? They don't care but I have to? I feel scared. Is this me? Why did this quality became so negative all of the sudden? Shouldn't it be the thing that allows me to be set free? I'm not free. I'm bound by it. I need it to be turned off. I didn't do anything bad, it can't be the end?

 

[number212]

I just want to stop holding everyone back. I want to sleep and never wake up. They'd be happy then. That's all I want, for them to be happy. I love my parents so much, I'm so sorry I was born to them. They shouldn't have to deal with me.

 

[Lullaby]

I am so tired.

The kind of tired that settles into your bones, that makes every step feel like dragging a thousand-pound weight. The kind that comes from giving and giving and giving—only to be left standing in the wreckage, wondering why no one ever chooses to stay.

This week has chewed me up and spit me out. People I love, people I trusted, people I thought would be there have let me down, hurt me, or just… disappeared. And the worst part? I still find myself chasing after everyone. Apologizing. Feeling guilty. Begging for the bare minimum. It's like I'm stuck in this cycle of trying to prove I'm worth loving, worth caring for, worth keeping, worth something.

But right now? Right now, I feel empty. Hollow. Like someone reached inside me and wrung out every last drop of energy, hope, and love I had left to give. It's the last day of the month, that started off this new year, and all I have to show for it is exhaustion.

I just want to be enough for once without having to beg for it. I want to feel loved without feeling like I have to earn it. I want someone to choose me—not because I pleaded, not because I twisted myself into a version of me they could tolerate, but because they want to.

That's all. That's it. And yet, somehow, it feels like the hardest thing in the world to ask for.

I'm just totally done. There hasn't been a night this week where I haven't cried, and I'm tired.

I hate it here so much, and I just want to leave. I'm only sticking through this for my cat.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I feel extreme anxiety and dread, depression....
I believe things are going on that I have no control over... If they happen, I will CTB. I don't know how long it will take.
I don't want to say what it is here. Just in case someone knows me and is on here.
Maybe it's my never ending paranoia???
It just feels like it's been coming for awhile now.
I also wanted to say why I in goodbye threads. I'm not going to try to give anyone false hope. I do give the op hugs, but I'm not going to lie to them.
Life has been awful for most of my time here. And it has been awful for the last two decades.
There is no way to make it better. I'm done trying. I'm not setting a date but if the inevitable happens, I will not be staying around long.
Sometimes it Does Not Get Better !!!!
I want to thank everyone here, you have been a lifeline. For me to vent, laugh,cry, support....
I don't post like I used to when SS first started. I don't feel like I have as much to contribute as I did then.
Mostly post in music threads. I'm sure I've mentioned this before.
BTW ... Something funny when I look up music on YouTube when it's only artist and song listed.... The Am I Gay Test comes up. To be fair it also comes up if I look up a boy band.
It doesn't seem to happen when I listen to Metal.
I just thought it was funny. No harm intended for the LGBTQ community.
Also just cuz someone is a part of that community doesn't mean they all like boy bands or the same music.
Anyway, I hope I haven't offended anyone.
There is so much hate in the US now.
I think this is the most I've rambled on here in awhile.

 

[delora]

Feels like I've lost pieces of whatever I call "myself" along the way. Or maybe I never had them in the first place.

For someone with this much self-awareness, I should know well who I am. But it still confuses me. Perhaps it's because I'm a shell of a human, not much more than a cluster of atoms trying to make it through days that get increasingly difficult. A human too scared of judgement to ever be anything palpable.

I think I don't know if I know what it is like to be truly genuine. Aspects of my personality that are visible to the outside world have been carefully curated, molded by anxiety and the fear of being seen as less, as boring, as embarrassing, as stupid, as anything else other than great. I want to be cool, to be liked. So I choose what to put out there based on how I think others will view me.

It's tiring. It's probably one of the main sources of unhappiness in my life. But I have never been able to change it.

I wonder if the real Lola is buried somewhere underneath all of this. If she even exists, and if every person who has ever liked me would just judge her instead. Ah.

If you're reading this post as someone who has the small luxury to just not care about what others think of you, please enjoy that. I know that if you are here, life is tough and you might not have the strength to enjoy much. But savor this just a little, for me. For I have no idea if I will ever be able to know what it feels like.

This is just word vomit, but it is also the first time I've admitted to this to its full extent. It's nice to get it out, but I am aware that it might not do much besides that momentary relief of ranting. I am thankful this website exists, because I feel like I have never been closer to being the true, unfiltered version of myself as I am here.​

 

[Electra]

Like I'm waiting for smth to happen and I'm anxious abt it.

 

[Namelesa]

How the fuck am I supposed to cope? Life is just repetitive torture and if you somehow find something new to excite you and get you out of that empty feeling, the new excitement either runs out or causes immense fear of you losing it or it ending. How the fuck do people deal with this? Do I just have a skill issue or am I just broken?

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

There's nothing in the short term that I feel results in betterment except for ctb. I don't have any of the means I need to ctb. I'm stuck in limbo being able to think only of my consciousness melting away, and having no means or strength to proactively take discomfort away, darn

 

[Promised Heaven]

I want to matter to someone so badly.

 

[Electra]

Fuck I'm anxious today. I feel heavy (but like heavy emotionally, like something's bringing me down).

 

[tiredtired]

bedrotting. 15:32 and im still in bed. futility blocks me. apathy crushes the care i have in me. ill try to shower. ill try to hydrate. ill try to go buy milk. life lays on me like a pack of stones.

 

[ineed2die]

dude i hate myself omfg i am sooooo gay.

not in the sexuality way just like, in the halo xbox kinda way. im jus ta WEINER and i hate myself. Also i am sorta gay in the sexual way but thats not the point.

 

[CTB Dream]

rly awfl wrld time mov mov dtriort noable doany

 

[Electra]

I'm so tired. Exhausted. I keep reaching for my bed to lay down.

 

[Prism]

it just gets worse and worse and there's no way to fix it

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Trapped. Defeated. I feel betrayed by the woman I loved the most and by the object in which I invested most of my hopes and dreams. I did my best, I really did, I don't deserve this. My mother doesn't deserve this. It's a nightmare, a stupid one: not too dark, not grotesque, but stupid, almost as if life was telling me that I have no right to feel like this. Why not? After trying my hardest all this years I'm back to where I was 9 years ago, with my heart in pieces and a broken racecar in the garage. Why does life feel like it's three steps back for every step forward? WHY IS MY MICHI WITH THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE? WHY IS HE BETTER THAN ME? I...I did everything I could, everything I was told I should do. My friends love me, my family does too, why can't nobody else love me the way I have needed to be loved for years? WHY DID MY BODY AND MY MIND RECOVER FROM THIS FUCKING CRISIS IF NOTHING HAS CHANGED AND SHE DOESN'T WANT ME BACK?

 

[whitetaildeer]

i'm frustrated with myself. i can't get anything done; i'm getting angry i can't get anything done, and somehow that anger alone isn't motivating enough. i don't know what my problem is. i just want to bury myself in work or something productive but i can't and that's infuriating

 

[Lullaby]

You would think on a website like this, you'd find people who wouldn't contribute to your existing trauma in some way, but lesson learned.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I don't want to lose you, I don't want to forget you. I know you're not here, I know you left, you abandoned me when I needed you and I pleaded, I asked for you to wait and you replaced me. You saw my scars, you kissed them, you promised we'd take care of each other and showed me I could still love and I loved you, fuck, AND I STILL DO LIKE THAT DAMN DEAN LEWIS SONG SAYS, but...but then it all ended and I've been living a fucking nightmare since then. And you're happy with that asshole who makes me feel so inferior like everything I've done in life was fucking worthless. And I'm here, crying every night because I don't want to get over you, I don't want to let go because we were supposed to be in each other's lives after all that love and we said it and we promised. I was taking things slow, I didn't want to make a mistake, I didn't want to pressure you or to make false promises because I love you God dammit, I do, and you were the most beautiful bond I had and most intimate and I trusted you and now you're gone and I don't want to lose you, I don't want to forget you.

Please God, give me back my michi or just end my fucking suffering already.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

I'm still alive, and that really sucks!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Awake again... Can't sleep.... Why ???