I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because screaming into the void is the only thing that listens. Maybe because I've exhausted every other option and this is the last, pathetic attempt to make sense of how this world keeps disappointing me.
Maybe because if I don't type it out, it'll rot inside me until I start agreeing with the bullshit notion that "things get better."
I don't wanna do anything with my life. Not in the dramatic, "woe is me" kind of way, but in the realistic way—where I've just accepted that every single thing I could possibly put effort into will eventually become exhausting, tainted, or outright not worth it.
Because people ruin everything. Every single time. Friends, family, acquaintances, even people that are supposed to help you. You could hand someone your heart on a silver fucking platter, make it look all pretty and polished, and they'd still find a way to drop it, let it shatter, and then act confused like, "Oh, I didn't realize that would break so easily."
I've never had a reason to trust people. How do you trust others when even the people who created you—the ones who were supposed to be your blueprint for love, safety, and reliability—couldn't get it right? Like, what kind of cruel joke is that?
"Here, let's bring you into the world, teach you not to rely on the very people meant to protect you, and then send you out there expecting you to miraculously develop healthy trust issues."
Even the other day, my mom was over 2 hours late picking me up for the hospital, somehow found a way to blame it on me, and the nurses actually laughed at me when it was finally time to leave because they forgot I was there. Haven't felt so humiliated and embarrassed in years.
What's the point in being here, when it feels like your existence doesn't matter to a single person you interact with?
I just don't see the point anymore. The competing, the networking, the pretending to be something palatable so people will decide you're worthy of their time. I don't wanna do it. I refuse to do it.
What even is the prize? A little bit of attention? Validation? A fleeting moment where you think someone actually gives a shit about you before they prove they don't? An opportunity for things to get better, that blows up in your face?
I can't live like that. I care too much, and I hate it. I hate that I'm wired this way, that I will always give everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt, just to watch things turn around and do the exact thing I feared would happen.
The universe has a real funny way of driving the point home when you start getting a little too hopeful.
