Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[skylight7]

Deep loss, severe depression, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, isolation, betrayal, resentment, and regret.

 

[greebo6]

Quite scared and very anxious

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Excited to die... Been thinking of death... didn't sleep for 24hrs now... Just wanna be dead soon Excited!!

 

[whitetaildeer]

not too long ago, before i was actively suicidal, my father asked me if i was happier. he has been asking me this ever since i moved in with him, every few months, and i don't know why. i always say yes. it's... not exactly a lie. it was either move him with him, or get trafficked or sent to an assisted living village i had no business being in by my family, which has a history of abusive workers and catty executives. neither option is pleasant, but the latter is, obviously, worse. i've just never been good at being voicing my thoughts and feelings, nevermind the fact that i don't want to. even on sasu, it's more difficult than it has any right to be.

but, carrying on, the last time my father asked if i was happier-- before i started being active here, and well before i made up my mind on ctb-- i just gave a rather passive "soon" as a reply. he gave me some reproachful look, but said nothing, and left my room. he's responsible for why i'm alive; i wonder if he'll ever know that he'll be apart of the reason why i'll soon be dead, too.

 

[Prism]

I want to rip my face off

 

[Pennyroyal]

Exhausted. Can't move my body.

 

[Electra]

Tense, my muscles are tense, they ache. I wanna relax.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I just feel sad… sad that this life is a scam and I have to go to sleep to pretend that my dreams are a better reality and if not, I get scammed by that by having insomnia or worse, reminded that my emotions seeps through my dreams and go into other worlds that are better than this shit…

 

[CTB Dream]

rly needend this rly awfl all day pain sffr nobod knw nobod undrstd

 

[Promised Heaven]

Quit social media again. I don't understand how people dont get anxiety and dread.

Also how is a forum about suicide the most comforting place to be in? Maybe because I feel at home here...

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I feel annoyed… I wonder why people made me the why that I am as it's not only that… but the human body too. I can't sleep and tried eating, drinking, I feel tired… people make me tired. I feel so damn tired… I wanna be fucking dead and not deal with painful memories of trauma and annoyance knowing that there's no hope, especially in a peaceful sleep you want your way… that type of hatred makes you feel stuff: especially annoyed at the outcomes it brings.
And my roommate wants me to feel uncomfortable with the heater and being around people for any longer will drive me fucking mad and insane especially as I have to hear her talking about how happy she is to have me for a roommate and how she enjoys my company — which I appreciate — but everything about this world makes me so annoyed like crazy!

 

[disjuj]

I feel like a shell of my former self.

 

[Prism]

every other person on this site seems to have a benzo script and yet I was denied

 

[Electra]

La la la la la la la
I feel like I wanna continue to try and get better. And to worry less. Like it's a task I have to do. Like a promise?

 

[billie]

i had an appointment with my social
worker
she is so unprofessional
she just blamed me the whole time
i know that i'm a bad person
i know that i do everything wrong and can't do anything right
i should just kill myself
that's better for me and everyone else too

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

i had an appointment with my social
worker
she is so unprofessional
she just blamed me the whole time
i know that i'm a bad person
i know that i do everything wrong and can't do anything right
i should just kill myself
that's better for me and everyone else too

You are not the problem… she is!! You deserve better and did not deserve such a certain amount of what was done to you to be treated as that. She is a monster for her responses in a unprofessional setting

 

[Promised Heaven]

Daydreaming of an unrealistic fantasy that mental health workers are actually really kind people who are able to tolerate the people they're trained to treat instead of blaming people for naturally responding to traumatic situations the way they did.

That's how it should work anyway.

I'm also fantasizing that therapists and psychologists are taking notes of what the suicidal say here and actually using it to help people in treatment instead of seeing this as a mass killing cult.

 

[anxious_depressive]

I'm so tired, I fell down the stairs today from exhaustion.

Feel disgusted with everything and myself.

I'm unrequitedly in love, and it breaks my heart.
He's a good man.
He doesn't need someone like me.
I'm an ugly, stupid, sick bitch.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Cold. Empty. Untethered.

 

[Electra]

TIred. Insomniac. Guilt. Gut-wrenching.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

It's been a few days since my bf has last messaged me. We usually text every day. I've sent him so many messages and no reply. I tried emailing him and haven't gotten any response from him. I wonder if he's in the hospital. I'm getting worried because I don't want anything to happen to him. I love him so much. I hope if he's okay.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm absolutely terrified of my attempt not working because the fact that I only have one shot at this terrifies the fuck out of me. If I fail, I'm just screwed. I wouldn't be scared if I live alone but since I live with parents, I have to ctb in a hotel which causes risks in itself. If I lived alone, I would have a complete piece of mind as then I can't comprehend as to what would stop me.

As of right now though, I just have to play a risky game with fire and hope for the best. I did all that I can (which isn't really saying much as I'm stupid as fuck) to try and mitigate the risks but of course every suicide attempt will have risks in it unless if you're lucky enough to be allowed euthanasia. I just hate at how humanity's notions about life and death make it far more difficult for us to actually die since we have to do it in secret and in a place where we won't get resuscitated. It's absolutely fucking dismal.

Well, there's nothing that I can do except to push forward but fuck am I immensely terrified

 

[2messdup]

Demotivated stuffed full and nauseous from comfort eating last night. On edge cos came close last night but called the crisis team and it was my favourite worker so felt very comforted but she suggested something that didn't chime right and Im sure she got it from my notes so it sounded false so introduced a bad note to our conversation after it was over and now I'm scared they'll change my mental health worker and my therapy because I'm really struggling but there's nothing wrong with MH worker or therapy,they're perfect, it's just I am so lonely I have no one to talk to so it's been months of only therapy and no support. And I feel like I've got mountains to climb cos I've got a big strenuous task to do today when I've got no mental energy to do it, and a workman's coming tomorrow and I think he's got the potential to rip me off and I can't even organise washing myself coherently so how am I going to check on him. And I'm dreading him coming here and it's going to be until end of next week, because I'll have to act normal and it's so stressful that he'll even be here. And another mountain is seeing my MH worker after calling the crisis team because I feel like I've failed and let him down and I'm being so needy because I've asked him to phone me and emailed him twice about different things within the last 10 days and I'm really struggling and can't do the therapy and try so hard and spend hours every night battling my alters or fragments or whatever they are until I have to phone a helpline. And I'm scared because ive got to see a horrible bored uncaring psychiatrist in a few weeks and last time he triggered bad flashbacks and he really is bad because I once saw a really nice really good psychiatrist and they are nothing like each other. And there's so much stuff I have to do today and every day all I want to do is stay in bed with the radio news show on so quiet I can't here the words. And my dog I used to live so much is just a chore and annoying and I hate myself for that. I'm just overwhelmed I suppose but it's killing me. There. I wrote and didn't think. Pathetic aren't I?

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I feel fucking annoyed to deal with the people in my life thats what I feel. I hate this existence and am wished it stopped operating and just real down for a bit so I can get the hell out of this damn nightmare

 

[Electra]

 

[Promised Heaven]

I got my CTB plan set up, unfortunately I won't be alone for a bit of a while to attempt.

Ultimately one day it'll happen. I need to wait a bit longer to guarantee myself I will never percieve this life and beg God for forgiveness, if it means no paralysis/brain damage.

Every day I wait to end my existence however, I'm an eternal burden to those around me. Just my presence makes people wish I would just die, and if it weren't for human decency, they would tell it to my face.

I've asked for so long for things to be okay but in reality my fate is death.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I feel exhausted and wondered why this world wasn't destroyed thousands of years ago...

 

[Lullaby]

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because screaming into the void is the only thing that listens. Maybe because I've exhausted every other option and this is the last, pathetic attempt to make sense of how this world keeps disappointing me.

Maybe because if I don't type it out, it'll rot inside me until I start agreeing with the bullshit notion that "things get better."

I don't wanna do anything with my life. Not in the dramatic, "woe is me" kind of way, but in the realistic way—where I've just accepted that every single thing I could possibly put effort into will eventually become exhausting, tainted, or outright not worth it.

Because people ruin everything. Every single time. Friends, family, acquaintances, even people that are supposed to help you. You could hand someone your heart on a silver fucking platter, make it look all pretty and polished, and they'd still find a way to drop it, let it shatter, and then act confused like, "Oh, I didn't realize that would break so easily."

I've never had a reason to trust people. How do you trust others when even the people who created you—the ones who were supposed to be your blueprint for love, safety, and reliability—couldn't get it right? Like, what kind of cruel joke is that?

"Here, let's bring you into the world, teach you not to rely on the very people meant to protect you, and then send you out there expecting you to miraculously develop healthy trust issues."

Even the other day, my mom was over 2 hours late picking me up for the hospital, somehow found a way to blame it on me, and the nurses actually laughed at me when it was finally time to leave because they forgot I was there. Haven't felt so humiliated and embarrassed in years.

What's the point in being here, when it feels like your existence doesn't matter to a single person you interact with?

I just don't see the point anymore. The competing, the networking, the pretending to be something palatable so people will decide you're worthy of their time. I don't wanna do it. I refuse to do it.

What even is the prize? A little bit of attention? Validation? A fleeting moment where you think someone actually gives a shit about you before they prove they don't? An opportunity for things to get better, that blows up in your face?

I can't live like that. I care too much, and I hate it. I hate that I'm wired this way, that I will always give everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt, just to watch things turn around and do the exact thing I feared would happen.

The universe has a real funny way of driving the point home when you start getting a little too hopeful.

 

[HowlerFlamingpaws]

I feel like no matter what I want, I'm being forced to be allosexual to keep my marriage, even if I'm ace because of trauma. My wife literally said she'd leave me if I didn't have sex with her, even though she knew I was ace when we got married.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I feel like no matter what I want, I'm being forced to be allosexual to keep my marriage, even if I'm ace because of trauma. My wife literally said she'd leave me if I didn't have sex with her, even though she knew I was ace when we got married.

This is emotional manipulation...
I'd advise you speak with her about it, but if not or she becomes angry with you, divorce her immediately and break contact on all places.