Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Namelesa]

I feel so tired. I just want this to end, it feels like life has gone for too long and has so much filler. I am too exhausted to wait for it to get better. I am going to read on a new method I found that I could maybe use.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Ate a breakfast sandwich for dinner. Living the dream.

 

[Lullaby]

So this is going to sound really fucking insane, and most likely is, but whatever lol. What better place than here to share it, I'm just rambling.

I've always made fun of the Heaven's Gate situation, but I recently watched the HBO documentary about them and it affected me more emotionally than I ever thought it would.

I think being an adult now, struggling with depression and wanting to die just gave me a different perspective on everything.

I saw I clip of Marshall saying "We do in all honesty hate this world."

And I've never actually watched any of these videos, but I was having an emotional night and this made me laugh because I couldn't believe I was fucking resonating with this lmao.

A lot of those people who joined were searching for connection and meaning during really difficult times in their lives. I guess the group offered both an explanation for their pain ("this world isn't our real home") and a supportive community structure. That combination can be incredibly powerful for someone who's essentially fighting a mental war.

I don't believe in anything they were talking about, but I imagine if I had been an adult back then and who I am now, I would've gotten roped into joining.

I guess it's the kind of perspective shift that often comes with age and personal experience with struggle, I don't know. It sucks.

 

[Electra]

It feels like a have a tight headband on my head. I wanna feel relieved for a longer time than just a couple of hours. I wanna see things in clearer perspective. I feel like life is everything all at once.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I wish that there was a community that I could be in that actually understand me and share my views. Whilst this site is the best one there is, I still get pissed off whenever I see a lot of people talk about life because their principles about existence aren't there. It's so exhausting honestly. It honestly makes me hate being here but the advantages of this site outweighs the disadvantages so I guess I might as well stay. If I were to find a better forum though, I'd definitely delete my account here and move to that forum immediately instead because I'm getting so sick and tired of this place. I hate having to pretend here because I don't share the views about existence and death that a lot of people here do. I'm so sick and tired of pretending though. I'm so sick and tired of everything in general. At the end of the day, only death can get rid of my suffering and the bullshit that I have to deal with. I don't value this forum as much as everybody else does

 

[roboteulogy]

i hate having thoughts that constantly contradict each other. i don't know what is going on in my head anymore. this is all so difficult and i'm tired. i don't even see a satisfying end to it all. you struggle just to keep living and then what?

sometimes there's hope and there's a simple ladder i can climb that'd make my life incrementally better, sometimes the fog clears and i suddenly gain the realization that i'm subjecting myself to this horrible torture for sub par results. there's no ifs or maybes, mediocrity is too good for me and is unattainable. all there is to life is just this.

 

[lexx]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Dead sad tired

 

[Promised Heaven]

I'm all by myself on Monday and have an 8 hour time period where if I hang myself I would most likely not be caught. I could CTB, I've been fantasizing my suicide a lot more seriously to the point of crying in my workplace. How my life came to this. I genuinely do not want it to end like this. I do not want to die. But I also feel like I need to so I can stop suffering. I've been thinking of ending my life for 10 years. There's a higher than 0% I may do it, but I don't know. I actually feel so happy and scared and confident. I probably won't, but I know I can and just knowing I can brings me more peace than any mental health service provided to me.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm in so much mental pain that I am exhausted! I tried so hard to keep things together but I'm crawling down in that hole again and spiraling and I'm afraid of myself. I've had 5 attempts and planned my 6th one yesterday. I made a video journal to say goodbye to everyone that mattered. It was over 3 hrs. What I realized after the video is I didn't really want to leave, I just need a little help. So I took my sleeping cocktail and said for now I'll just rest it off. I woke up and decided what do I do? I decided that life is not perfect, there will be bumps in the road and this new problem can easily be fixed in a month. It was the new problem it was just the overall feeling of loneliness that's too much. So I ate a little and worked on writing my book. I reached out to 2 people and wrote apology emails. Whether they accept my apology or not, I tried. I been up way too long so I'm about to take my sleeping cocktail and go back to sleep. I'll say my usual prayer, please don't let me wake up again, and hope it works. That was my day, oh and I cried again as usual.

 

[HereIGoAgain24]

The world is falling apart around us. Everything is completely fucked, the only thing we have to look forward to is a decaying, scorched Earth fought over by tyrants. And we COULD turn things around- keep them from getting worse, at least- if we could just see the big picture... but we're so short-sighted, so broken, that we're only feeding into the system. The only question now is if humanity will go extinct, or if we can limit it to 'just' collapse and eventually rebuild.
It's funny- I spent so many of my childhood and teenage years terrified of phony end of the world predictions (The May 2011 rapture, the 2012 apocalypse...), and had to learn not to worry so much. But then, it turns out, nope- looks like the world really is ending. I'm 27; don't think I'll live to 30 even if I don't CTB by then.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

I feel alone. Thinking that I may deserve this feeling. I wish they cared enough about me.

 

[sukiduki]

i wanna die sooner

i told myself i have to hold out for the year but i wish i could do it tonight

i don't wanna wake up tomorrow

 

[Unrequitedlife]

Apprehensive and trepidation at the day ahead

 

[Electra]

I'm feeling hopeful. Hopeful to not be scared of change. Hopeful to try. Hopeful to be.

 

[imii]

stress builds character

 

[CTB Dream]

Me feel v awfl this all pain sffr nostop

 

[sukiduki]

trying to find reasons to jusitfy lasting thru the year
but idk
what if i just did it sooner is that so bad?

 

[trashhologram]

I feel fat, old and ugly. I'm an escort but can't get actual clients, probably because I'm fat, old and ugly ass hoe. At least I get to sleep a few hours.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I'm so lost in my head. Is this life? Is this going to be my life?

 

[BlendedHeart]

I hope this is my last year. I'm broken. I'm done. I don't need more empty words or indifference.

Just silence, and eternal peace.

 

[enduringwinter]

Hope is beautiful and exhausting.

I readied myself for imminent doom and tried hard to accept it. Then the impossible happened and I actually have hope. It doesn't get rid of all the dangers, but all I care is that there's a chance I don't have to die. My mind is all mush and I can't access my options. I expected to feel joy but I just feel nothing. And then it is like my whole system collapsed. Things that were simple tasks now seem like huge inconveniences and I can't wait for the miracle I was promised to free me. I endured this life for 9 years and now a few more months seem an eternity and a half. I want to try to get back the more practical and pessimistic mindset I had before this positive turn of event because the miracle might not come to pass and even if it does there's still another huge danger in my way. I will absolutely not be able to take the fall as I am now, all floaty and impatient, wanting to live and to be free. I won't be able to face the terrible turbulences and the wrath of my family and general wreckage of my life, won't be able to exit on my own terms as I have previous resolved.

 

[untothedepths]

came back when suicide ideation returned...for some reason. i guess its still been there. haha i want death.

 

[billie]

i'm worthless

 

[Namelesa]

I just want to die but stupid desires and hope make me continue this pointless life. Everything will become repetitive and boring cus we are just repeating doing the same things over and over again but of slightly different variation or differences. Something or someone just please save me or kill me, I don't want to be trapped in this suffering.

 

[Electra]

I feel okay. Not sure how long it's gonna last, but I'm gonna try to enjoy it!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

How Many Sleeps Until My Forever Sleep ???

I'm so tired and depression is kicking my ass. I'm barely functioning. I'm on zombie pilot.

 

[sukiduki]

i just prayed to the moon and burned some incense and am hoping for the best. i feel so crazy. idk what to do. every day it doesn't seem to get better. i want it to be, but it never is. when can i go to sleep forever?

 

[MeaCulpa]

I'm so tired. Every interaction feels so hollow and meaningless. It feels like I'm being self-centered in every conversation, no matter how much I try to focus on the other person. I feel like I'm so awkward no matter what I do. It's like I'm still socially and emotionally stuck as a 12-year-old; like I never quite grew out of that awkward phase. It's so miserable that every little thing is tainted. I'm scared to reach out to anyone because I don't want to be a bother; because I don't want to hurt them; because I don't think they'll like me; because I think they'll find me terribly annoying and obnoxious. I'm awful at communication and no amount of "guides" or self-help garbage actually does anything. I'm alone no matter what I do or where I go. I get bitter and jealous every time I see women my age with a whole gaggle of friends. What did they do to deserve that? Even though it isn't my place to question another person's worth-- I'm the last person who should be doing so. I'm afraid that nothing will ever change. If anything, I think I know that nothing will ever change. What few friends I've made over the years either cut contact or lost contact. Everyone I encounter already has friends-- numerous! They're not looking for more. They don't want someone so worthless to join their group. There's no point trying. Existence is so harrowingly lonely.

 

[HighFlight]

lonely, scared, overwhelmed

 

[render]

i wish my fucking ex hadn't gotten my ass sent to a mental ward because i couldve just gotten a gun and shot myself clean and easy. i wasn't even trying to kill myself i was just having a mental breakdown GODDAMN!!!! leave my dumb ass alone so i can die in peace fuck my life man!!!!!! you're telling me i HAVE to live these next 5 years? the fucking fascists will get me before then and then i won't even have the chance to die of my own free will. if im going out im going out cause of me