Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[SA1994EC]

l can't believe I am still here alive. Everything in the universe has been telling me I should have died a very long time ago. And I am getting more and more suffering every day. I need to get ready & kill myself now. Too painful…

 

[roboteulogy]

i'm scared i won't get better. i haven't gotten better despite things changing. i'm terrified of the future. i feel like it's only going to get worse.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

I feel absurd knowing I need to go against s prevention in order to achieve peace. It feels cruel
and unusual

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Low. Confused. Slightly angry... irritated?

Considering how certain people talk about me I must be a monster.

 

[Lullaby]

So, before my ECT sessions start, I have these brief check ins with my doctor.

This morning, I was just really honest and mentioned I haven't been doing much because my ideation has been so horrible. I'm really trying my best, but it's hard when you're constantly thinking about wanting to die 24/7 throughout the day…

I'll be in a car hoping it'll crash, or out walking and hoping one will just hit me. I feel like that's no way for anyone to live, it sucks.

But he thinks it's not a big deal — as long as i'm not planning anything, I just need to push through it and it's so frustrating to hear that. I literally wanted to cry.

He wants me to deal with that, all while trying to apply to vet school…

Maybe I am making excuses for myself, I'm not sure. If I really wanted to die, I guess I would've done it by now. Most of my close friends on here are gone.

It's just hard to do these things when you've lost all the drive to live. Every time I fight back, I get kicked down and I'm exhausted.

Anyways, hope everyone on here is hanging on the best they can

 

[sorrymyfault]

I feel so behind in life again. How could I be so bad at something everyone seems to be perfect at? I can't make a human connection yet these people are having the best fun of their lives. I am just ungrateful for everything this life gave me, that's how I feel. I'm short, I'm ugly, I stink because I rarely shower, my teeth are horrible, my lungs are in horrible health due to my parents smoking since I was a baby, my mind is destroyed from anything I have done to capture joy in this life, I am so fucking deformed I don't look like a homo sapient, I'm overweight because of all the anxiety eating, I'm always sick and my nose is stuffed because of reasons doctors can't pinpoint. How am I supposed to even feel.

 

[Nothing Left]

I am so tired of having to defend myself in some capacity every fucking day.

I'm tired of people trying to police my emotions, facial expressions, and the fact that I SIGH in exasperation.

Like, you should be fucking lucky that ALL I do is sigh, and that I'm not acting out violently against your daily bullshit.

My God, standing up for myself shouldn't have to be a daily occurrence over the most frivolous shit, and it's not like it does me any good, considering I still won't get respected and people will keep acting the same fucking way regardless.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

My bf is cute! He makes me so happy.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

i'm so fucking tired
of everything

 

[SA1994EC]

I can't do this any more. I can't go on either ways. I just can't…

 

[iset]

alone, sad, lonely

 

[Electra]

I feel pressed. Anxious. Panick-y. I feel like my chest is being pressed by some external force and it's so difficult to breathe. To just expand my lungs fully. To relax. To calm down. I feel like I want to understand what is going on, where does it come from. I feel.

 

[yearofluigi]

I wish I could actually not think and just type. I think too much. I tire myself out overthinking the most stupid trivial things because every time a social interaction doesn't go absolutely perfectly I feel the need to convince myself that I'm not an awful person and then other person isn't gonna immediately abandon me. I think normal people deal with similar situations by going like "that was bad, whoops" and moving on but I just can't do that; I have to stay fucking fixated for hours on whatever went wrong and I can't stop myself.

Just gotta stay strong for now. Not allowed to bother anyone irl with my feelings cause I don't want them to think of me as high-maintenance or clingy. I dunno if I actually wanna die but the only thing that brings me comfort when I'm spiralling (and it's very easy for me to start spiralling these days) is the idea that I might not have to deal with it for much longer.

 

[enough of this]

I'm homesick. I just want to go home - my eternal, ethereal home. I'm so looking forward to getting out of this asylum.

 

[sukiduki]

i keep going back and forth on when i should do it. is the end of the year too much? will it ruin peoples holidays? i also feel like i definitely need to be in a hotel bc i don't want my family to see me first. but i feel bad for the staff who will find me. but since the method should be peaceful with sn i feel like it won't be that bad.

 

[Greyhawk]

I feel like a worthless failure, tired of myself and the world. My life is not going anywhere and I don't even have the courage to end it.

 

[human909]

Lazy, dumb and frustrated.

 

[Electra]

I feel pressed. Anxious. Panick-y. I feel like my chest is being pressed by some external force and it's so difficult to breathe. To just expand my lungs fully. To relax. To calm down. I feel like I want to understand what is going on, where does it come from. I feel.

Same.

 

[EndOfTheLine1990]

It's over

 

[CTB Dream]

this lif all wrng me v sad no want exst

 

[Promised Heaven]

People should not be shocked when they bully, belittle, and isolate someone and they become suicidal.

I'm someone.

 

[SA1994EC]

Why do humans live so long? Cats only live up to 20 and dogs live shorter. Many animals are like that. We, human, live for such a long time only to suffer more and longer. It is absolutely unfair. Our existence is cursed.

 

[broken_doll]

I'm reaching new levels of feeling invisible and entirely like I don't matter to anyone than I knew possible cause Jesus Christ on toast it's crushingly despairing rn

 

[ijustwishtodie]

The anxiety that I have around my method potentially failing due to shitty luck is getting to me. I wish that I didn't have to worry about humans even during my final moments. It's so unfair. I wish that I could go to a completely private place where it is okay for me to die and I wouldn't get resuscitated by anybody. I know I'm overthinking this but I really, really, really, really don't want to fail since this is my only chance to get it right

 

[CTB Dream]

this rly awfl lif no know wat do all trap

 

[Namelesa]

I feel so tired. I just want this to end, it feels like life has gone for too long and has so much filler. I am too exhausted to wait for it to get better. I am going to read on a new method I found that I could maybe use.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Ate a breakfast sandwich for dinner. Living the dream.

 

[Lullaby]

So this is going to sound really fucking insane, and most likely is, but whatever lol. What better place than here to share it, I'm just rambling.

I've always made fun of the Heaven's Gate situation, but I recently watched the HBO documentary about them and it affected me more emotionally than I ever thought it would.

I think being an adult now, struggling with depression and wanting to die just gave me a different perspective on everything.

I saw I clip of Marshall saying "We do in all honesty hate this world."

And I've never actually watched any of these videos, but I was having an emotional night and this made me laugh because I couldn't believe I was fucking resonating with this lmao.

A lot of those people who joined were searching for connection and meaning during really difficult times in their lives. I guess the group offered both an explanation for their pain ("this world isn't our real home") and a supportive community structure. That combination can be incredibly powerful for someone who's essentially fighting a mental war.

I don't believe in anything they were talking about, but I imagine if I had been an adult back then and who I am now, I would've gotten roped into joining.

I guess it's the kind of perspective shift that often comes with age and personal experience with struggle, I don't know. It sucks.

 

[Electra]

It feels like a have a tight headband on my head. I wanna feel relieved for a longer time than just a couple of hours. I wanna see things in clearer perspective. I feel like life is everything all at once.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I wish that there was a community that I could be in that actually understand me and share my views. Whilst this site is the best one there is, I still get pissed off whenever I see a lot of people talk about life because their principles about existence aren't there. It's so exhausting honestly. It honestly makes me hate being here but the advantages of this site outweighs the disadvantages so I guess I might as well stay. If I were to find a better forum though, I'd definitely delete my account here and move to that forum immediately instead because I'm getting so sick and tired of this place. I hate having to pretend here because I don't share the views about existence and death that a lot of people here do. I'm so sick and tired of pretending though. I'm so sick and tired of everything in general. At the end of the day, only death can get rid of my suffering and the bullshit that I have to deal with. I don't value this forum as much as everybody else does