Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[render]

dawg i wanna kill myself so bad rn can the antidepressants kick in faster

 

[nattanatta]

The pain I'm in is indescribable, I have no words left. I just need this to end. Can't believe I ever hoped it could still get better. It doesn't, not for me. This is so fucking horrible.

 

[standingfast]

It is almost time to go.

This journey has been one where I have never felt safety, belongingness,, or love since I was 8. And trauma after trauma has destroyed me emotionally and my ability to trust anything, even if I had the energy. I am gutted and empty.

 

[Lullaby]

I feel bad for my mom…I grew up resenting her for how she treated me, but we've started getting along a little better these days.

But i've also recently accepted that suicide is unavoidable, it's absolutely going to happen.

I started ECT in July and it's not even working. We've been doing bilateral, which is the most extreme, and max everything else (ketamine, etc). I'm not even having any sort of cognitive issues, which would also be a plus for me, but no, nothing.

The psychiatrist i've been working with said he wants me to start pushing myself to do different things — and I just wanted to laugh. I literally want to jump off a building. It's hard to function like a normal when you're constantly thinking about wanting to die, that's why I started this treatment.

Yes, there's so much I could be doing right now but it's HARD when I constantly feel like dying. Now it's gotten to the point where I know for sure it's inevitable.

Like, fuck — I should not be in bed crying an hour after leaving my appointment.

I also recently just got my heart fucking destroyed and tossed by a guy I really loved, and i'm just devastated. I'm breaking down nearly every day because this feels like hell.

I just love my cat more than anything on this shithole planet and can't leave him here.

 

[babouflo201223]

Lost in deep despair.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Rejected and heart broken. I keep trying to get past it but I love him so much. I know he has BPD. I know he's fucked but you can't help who you love can you? If he can't be with me, why can't he just die with me? He doesn't like living either. Why can't we both just end it together? He can drive. We could hire a really old car and a garage and just carbon monoxide ourselves together. Just die peacefully. I'd pay for it it all but I can't drive you see so he would have to hire the car. No. Here we both are still fucking suffering, day after day, night after night. It's fucking evil, all of it.

I don't believe in the vax because of the side effects/risks but sometimes I think I want it because of the risks. Because I want to die quickly and want it to induce a heart attack or a turbo cancer or something. Wonder if anyone else has ever been jabbed for that reason? Some days I feel like I want as many toxins Big Pharma will give me just to finish the fucking job off.

 

[render]

why am i such a pussy i need to krill myself

 

[Promised Heaven]

Trying to convince myself not to get a gun to CTB. Not because of fear of failure, but it'll bring significant attention to myself. If I put the effort in as well as get a psychiatrist to clear me (which isn't that hard, I've had 2 clearances in worse crisis), I can almost definitely get my hands on one. But why I need one will bring concern.

My main method is hanging, I've tested it, it worked too well (if I wasn't intending to back out instantly I would of accidentally CTB'd because it was super quick to black out), but my mind keeps saying "Get a gun". I won't. I've spent all day calming myself and reassuring I have a method already.

 

[standingfast]

Yes, there's so much I could be doing right now but it's HARD when I constantly feel like dying. Now it's gotten to the point where I know for sure it's inevitable.

My psychologist wants me to try to things but I am focused on my end, because there is nothing worth trying for and I am gutted and exhausted - I don't have the energy to keep trying even if I wanted to. My psychologist is the only reason I am not gone yet because we have worked together so long. But she is not my family or friend. She is not the reason to stay. I don't belong anywhere. No one has ever really wanted me around. She does but I don't belong with her - the love and affection and sense of belonging I can't get from her. Long story short: I am only focused on getting out; everything else seems pointless. It is sad because that is not what I wanted for this life, but here I am.

 

[Aspiring Mushroom]

I'm so lonely and I can't handle this. The only people who care about me are my family, and they all live far away. I fucked up my whole life by falling in love with a narcissist. I ignored the red flags, because I trusted him. Because of him I lost all of my prior friends, and most of my money, and soon I'll probably lose my job too. I'm trying to believe that things can get better, but all I ever wanted was to feel like I belong. I wanted to feel like I matter, like I'm lovable. But I don't, and I'm not. I will never be able to trust another man. I will be alone for the rest of my life.

 

[consider]

I'm sweat myself because I'm really bad at speaking. And continue dumping my insecure on others because of it. I'm stupid.

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

I don't understand how I keep putting myself in situations to be shitty towards people I care about. Moving in with friends then putting zero effort into maintaining those friendships or even looking for work has made things strained between us. I don't blame them one bit. I've done this before to other friends and somehow just never learn. I'm an inherently broken person that doesn't learn from their mistakes. The only thing I look forward to anymore is finally finding a method that works for me so I can just leave this place and stop hurting others.

 

[Lostandlooking]

It's sad to realize how much I've changed these last few years. I've struggled with my mental health for a long time, and for a long time I was dedicated to getting better. I was confident there had to be some way for things to get better and I worked hard to get there. I just looked at a blog I've been keeping since the beginning of 2018. Looking at those first couple of posts I see my past self. Affected by mental issues, having been through a lot already, but still having some hope. I wrote stuff I cannot imagine writing nowadays. Stuff like 'there's light at the end of the tunnel', not literally, but something like that. It's a different person, still striving to be positive and hopeful. That part of me is almost dead. I'm coming out of a really really bad period in my life, and there's a tiny sliver of hope, but a different kind of hope. Not the hope that I'll be accepted and functional within society. Just the hope that I'll be left alone and that I'll be able to avoid more trauma. But even though I'm doing slightly (emphasis on slightly) better, I'll never be the person I used to be. I'm not too sad about it. Maybe in a couple of years I'll realize better what happened and what I've lost in the process. It's just a sad realization in a detached way.

 

[SteamaHorns]

I'm waiting out the last chances that I have for any semblance of hope. To be honest, I want to give myself every reason to lose hope and to eventually weed out every chance that I have of gaining it so that I can no longer feel regret that I could have lost out on something. The time that I can finally lose all hope is soon, and I can finally feel at peace with everything. I just want to feel peace I just want to feel peace. I only want peace.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

It may sound odd, but I often think that self-elimination is encouraged by colleges. To be honest, what about them right now makes you want to remain on this earth?

They can make all the claims they want about caring for their student body, but in my opinion, it truly relies on who you know and can kiss ass to. Work, work, work—or die trying.

 

[fleetingnight]

Sick of this. I just want to end it. Everything makes me feel terrible, so I'm wasting my whole life doing nothing but suffering. I wish it was easier to die. I hate doing this every day. I'm on the verge of tears, and I need to find a way to hold it together for work in a few hours. And to survive, some day I'll need to learn to do this 5 days a week. I'm so fucking doomed, someone please just kill me

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Miserable, unwell, tired, hate life. Cold. Dread.
The horrors of life are worse than anything in a scary movie.

Life : The Scariest Movie Ever !!!!
Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 0

 

[standingfast]

My suicide feels like a comet hurtling toward Earth, with nothing to stop it.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

"You seem so put together and self-controlled!"

My dude I purposely burnt my titty with a blunt last night in an attempt to fix the skin discoloration.

 

[yumeganai]

lots of regret. anxiety. i want to make new friends but my personality is so bad

 

[cicatrezESP]

it's over

 

[Chaosire]

I feel mixed, bittersweet.
I just arrived at my parents place for the week. I feel relieved to have a short break from life. But it also feels a bit as a goodbye, even though I don't really have any concrete plans currently. I've actually been feeling somewhat better, the last few weeks, after months of unending emptiness.. Yet there's this call from the void that's getting louder..

 

[Promised Heaven]

Listening to a seminar podcast with my head spinning and eating chicken liver. I half forgot I had hypotension for a bit and almost fainted earlier from a hot shower, fasting, and not drinking water. Things are going alright, I guess.

 

[standingfast]

I am in so much emotional pain that I literally can't breathe well right now. This entire life of mine has been a mistake.

 

[Rudi]

I feel pretty empty, no emotion, nothing.
Today has been a shit day in general, I've never had such a bad urge to ctb before but, surprisingly, I didn't attempt. I don't know why, I wanted to so badly but something inside of me just stopped me.

I started distancing myself from a lot of people aswell, I barely talk to anyone anymore and I feel like I'm starting to lose friends because of that even though that wasn't my intention at all. I just need a break from everyone, and I wish they'd understand that.
The only people I like talking or replying to are the people on this forum. You guys are really awesome and make this forum my comfort place

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Why does it always feel like my friends can't have fun hanging out with each other unless I'm also there? Why does it seem like when I'm not there there's a ton of drama and other negative feelings going on between them? What the hell do I even do that makes them so comfortable around each other? Why does it always have to be me? I genuinely can't figure out what it is about me because I know I'm a terrible person who doesn't even deserve friends in the first place so why are they always mad at each other and never me?

 

[render]

i want to disappear i want to run away i want to evaporate i want to die i want to curl up into a ball and never speak to anyone ever again if santa was real hed bring me a nice 99.9% purity bottle of sn so i can do the deed
i remember that my death will bring the salvation of all but i am so selfish as to want a few more seconds to live. i have the chance to make a beautiful world in my absence and yet i refuse to take it. kill these hands that cannot create, a creature so incomprehensible as to be unworthy of connection or thought. i am a stain on this earth and my removal will bring peace

 

[identity0]

Had a hope revived and lifted up out of the ground. Lifted up again and smashed down. Because i delusionally grasped onto any tiny chance and ambiguous communication. Now a new nail in the coffin of the only thing i had hope for. God is writing my book as a psychological horror genre.

 

[sparrowcharm]

no one understands me or can handle me. I must be a cunt

 

[consider]

I went to see a neurologist and felt a bit regretful about it. It should ordinarily be a step toward recovery.
I've been hard to subject things since July and worried that I could get CTE at some point in my life cuz my father beat me on my head very badly when I was little, and lasted for many years.
I told the doctor about childhood abuse, but I didn't dare mention my fear of CTE—it seemed too much to say.
today he said he didn't find anything and I feel like I was lying about it. I knew the MRI wouldn't show anything. people on Reddit already mentioned this. I just hoped he would say something like post-concussive syndrome and offer some advice.
He also asked a lot of questions that made me feel embarrassed, like about my job and where I graduated. I think the nurse gave me a judgmental look since I didn't have a job.
I know the doctor did his best, and there's nothing wrong if the nurse looked down on me for that cuz that's how the world works but still.
When I walked out hospital, I felt so hollow and empty.