absolutelyyou

absolutelyyou

peaceful
Jul 26, 2023
168
Pure white hot rage



-because I have hay fever and I haven't been able to breath through my nose in days 😭
 
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S

standingfast

Member
Aug 29, 2024
60
Overwhelmed. There is nothing I want in this life, nothing that makes me want to try. I get pressure to figure all this out from my family, my job, my psychologist. Everyone - except my psychologist - just seems to want me to fix my emotional hell because it inconveniences them, it makes it hard for them. And it is no picnic for my psychologist. I still go because she is the only respite from all this agony.

Since I was 4, I have been constantly searching for three things: safety, belongingness and love. I am 51 and still on the same search and still come up empty. I have always felt like an outsider and always that people just need me to shape up and behave. My lack of safety, belongingness and love isn't even an afterthought for them. What is destroying me doesn't enter the picture. I tried so, so many years to figure this out and find what I am missing. I am tired of never finding it.

I do feel safety and love with my psychologist, but not belongingness. I don't belong in her world other than the medical service she provides. My biggest fears are (1) my method to CTB will fail and leave me worse off and (2) that my actions will get her in trouble. I am trying to figure out how to keep her safe.

The best thing for all, the thing that solves all the problems that people say I am and also ends my suffering, is to CTB. I add nothing of value to this world at all. I don't even fit here on this website. I am nothing. I am a mistake and a cancer in this world.

 
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SylveonFan

SylveonFan

Punpun
Oct 23, 2023
109
Excited, I can order my sn soon
 
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soledad.virgen

soledad.virgen

call me sol
Dec 1, 2020
87
i think I'm a fundamentally broken person, well I've thought that for a very long time now, but it's been on my mind more and more these past couple of months. it hurts, and I'd like to be my real self again, the person i used to be like in 2018. that would be really nice and make me happy again.
 
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Rudeus_Greyrat

Rudeus_Greyrat

Member
Oct 13, 2024
44
Tired. I don't want to suffer anymore, I don't want to fight for something that is not certain. I don't want to get skills for a random possibile hypothetical job that won't give me back my best friend and my ex, the people I loved so much.
I want to be happy. I want to go home. I don't want to bother with nothing from this world anymore. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to "grow up", or to slave away.
I simply refuse this shit.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
21,012
Welp. It's 8:45 AM and I haven't slept all night. I have an appointment in less than three hours with a physical therapist to see if my back needs any more fixing. After that I won't even have time to sleep because some friends I haven't seen in a while wanna hang out today. Maybe I should just cut my losses and get out of bed now to go to a coffee shop or something.

But hey at least I have a new mission to do for myself for the next few days before Shadow Generations is out.
1729093462237
What sucks is I already have the Pokédexes completed in the game itself but not in Home. To do that, I still have to import a bunch of natively caught Pokémon which I have yet to do so I guess that's what's going to be occupying a lot of my time.
 
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CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Injury damage disabl hard talk no argu make fun et
Sep 17, 2022
2,563
Me rly feellos no know wat do brain dtriort
 
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HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

Eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
513
I have free time off work, but I'm too tired to do anything. Many things I want to do, but the lack of energy and motivation.
I have free time off work, but I'm too tired to do anything. Many things I want to do, but the lack of energy and motivation.
 
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J

JustAnx

Student
Oct 12, 2024
132
Sad. There's a tremendous internal struggle going on inside my mind. But mostly there's fear and anxiety. There's also a big lack of determination i can't seem to be determined either to hang in there and keep hoping that things will get better or to be determined to ctb. So i end up nowhere, in limbo. I'm so tired…
 
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CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Injury damage disabl hard talk no argu make fun et
Sep 17, 2022
2,563
This me rly sffr need escp fst
 
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redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
180
lonely and misunderstood. really need love and a man to hug me and date me but i am still clinging on to my ex and wish i knew someone who could help me get in touch with him or have a convo with him about me to help him see how i am feeling. i feel worthless and miserable and everyone in their lives has me as a plan b and everyone around me seems to be doing better and living a better life. i cant tell anyone outside sasu about suicide without being judged
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
3,508
I'm actually in a good mood because I got my marks back for the exam I thought I failed and I actually did alright on it (I got a B on it). I'm assuming that this is because of the learning curve, which if that's the case and then thank fucking God for it!

Still stressed out though since I haven't gotten started yet on that essay for philosophy and I still have to catch up on a few lectures.
 
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amnesia999

amnesia999

Lie, lie, lie - Life is a lie
Jun 30, 2024
258
I'm in a financial bind right now and I have no clue how I'm going to get out of it.

Also, I might have more friends and be making more money if literally everything didn't make me anxious.
 
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cicatrezESP

cicatrezESP

in the time of the sixth sun
Oct 6, 2024
62
at my absolute limit
 
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HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

Eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
513
I think I'm going to be okay. Months of disorienting feelings have started to go away for more than a day. They're still there, but I can think more clearly and be "in the zone" mentally where I don't give up on tasks because I can't even percieve the object in front of me.

Eating my own home cooked stir fry, I'm hoping this will last.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
21,012
I'm such a terrible person. I lied to my manager and said I scheduled a therapy appointment for next month but really I have no plans and even if I did I have no idea where to start. How did I even get a therapist last time? It didn't work but I can't believe I ever even got started a few months ago.

It's all so stupid and pointless anyway. What is even the point of trying to help someone so evil and cruel as I? I know I sound like a broken record but I hate when people try to insist that I'm not so evil. I hate it so much. Stop being so stupid and letting me deceive you all so much. Wake up and realize just how much of a bad person I am. Why can't they see???
 
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amnesia999

amnesia999

Lie, lie, lie - Life is a lie
Jun 30, 2024
258
Kind of sad.

I have a tendency to act as though what I think is the "correct" way to think, and to let others know their different opinions are wrong. (My father is even worse. He acts as though God is sitting on his shoulder, whispering into his ear. But I have to take responsibility for myself.) Telling people that their opinions are completely wrong can lead to, shall we say, bad outcomes in social situations. I need to learn how to just let things go and let people have their own opinions without getting into an argument or debate. Maybe some day.
 
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star.trip

star.trip

Student
Oct 6, 2024
144
I feel sad and lonely
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
9,356
Deteriorating every day.... I don't think I will be able to keep doing this much longer. 😥
Why can't I just go to bed and never wake up. 🤬
Co-workers know I'm stupid.
I'm sorry I was given shitty DNA. 😭
Rocking back and forth in my chair.
So ready for this to end.....
 
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P

Privateer2368

Member
Aug 18, 2024
57
Strangely hopeful.

I spent last night in hospital due to an allergic reaction, so I'm pretty exhausted and maybe sleep deprived.

I'm sad because my car broke down and I need to get a new one. This means I won't get in to work tomorrow. Working from home is no big deal, but I won't get to see Her. We only really cross paths on Mondays now and she's the highlight of my week. I want to talk about her all the time. It's silly.

Mostly I'm quite relaxed, though. I realise that may be exhaustion.
 
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HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

Eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
513
Masking like usual. I had a really bad emotional overwhelm today but I kept it all in and chewed gum and drank free work tea to calm down. I wish for advice on better ways to mask because I want it superglued to my face until I'm finally not suicidial or finally ready to CTB.
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
3,508
I feel less stressed out now that one of my assignments is finished (it isn't very good, but I got it in). I'm also really fucking frustrated right now and thus I am going to rant.

I came across this video while scrolling around on YouTube. In it, a father is holding his daughter in one hand, a beer in the other hand, and is trying to catch a baseball. In doing so, he nearly drops his daughter. When I went into the comment section expecting to see a bunch of people pointing out how irresponsible this is, but instead 99% of the comments were praising.

This pisses me off so much because it highlights how fathers, and men in general, are held to such a low standard that they end up being praised for the bare minimum. It's to the point where I've even seen men openly admit to it being insulting, especially fathers. Just the fact that he didn't drop his kid is enough for everyone to praise him for his "multitasking skills", joking about the situation and some even going as far as to see him as a good father. It's disgusting. Meanwhile, you can find a shit ton of comments hating on this mother for how she handled her daughter (it seems to be around maybe 3 years old) hitting her baby brother. In the clip, she doesn't react by screaming or freaking out, instead making sure to keep calm in order to not frighten and stress out the baby. Many in the comment section also mentioned that she disciplined her off-screen and pointed out reacted to the situation correctly. Despite this, she is getting shit on by many users who view her as being a horrible parent because of this incident. It's wild to compare the contrast between people getting pissed off at a mother despite seemingly handling the situation correctly vs a father who willingly endangered his daughter because he prioritizes his beer and baseballs over safety.

I should note that this isn't me praising the mother, rather it's me using an example to point out a clear double standard there seems to be.

I feel like parents aren't really held to a super high standard. There have been too many instances of me seeing parents being praised for doing what should be considered the bare minimum and a lot of people are quick to defend parents when it comes to them mistreating their children. You can hit a kid and it's fine but if you hit an adult it's assault. However, mothers are held to a much higher standard than fathers, so you constantly see fathers doing below the bare minimum when it comes to raising their kids yet getting all sorts of praise from others. If a father brings their kid to school while their kid is still in their pajamas and their hair is all messy, it's cute. A mother does the same, it's neglect.

This also reflects how wider society views children. We like to pretend as though we care about keeping them safe and ensuring that they grow up to be good adults, but we don't. When we see a parent being irresponsible and putting their child's life in danger, we laugh it off so long as it's framed in a funny way. Meanwhile, we become hyper-fixated on punishing children for all of their wrong-doings, usually prioritizing physical punishments over time-outs and positive reinforcement. It's like people only care about children under the context of them being cute. The minute that they start to act a certain that isn't perceived as cute is the minute that we don't care about their well-being anymore, instead responding with aggression towards them.

Anyway, I hope that the father has his kid taken away from him. Dumbasses like that shouldn't be allowed around children.
 
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DunnoWhyButYeah

DunnoWhyButYeah

~*-*~
Apr 3, 2020
385
I break down crying constantly. I am anxious. I miss my dad a lot. I feel like I can't make it. He never knew how to be close to me, but I know he still loved me. He showed it in his own way. He's better now, but I can't make it...

I'd like to leave already, but I have to organize his funeral and everything... I have to stay here even though I don't want to. My grandmother can't survive if I'm gone, and my children probably wouldn't be able to handle it either. Is it still right that I have to suffer year after year to make others feel better?

I would have liked to see my father, but I didn't have time. I was told I could not visit him! I waited whole weekend when I can and then... And when I called the hospital to ask if I could... It was at that moment that they tried to revive him one last time.
 
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3ndl3ss-v0id

3ndl3ss-v0id

Void
Jul 31, 2023
41
I was sad then made me a chocolate sandwich and now I'm not sad
 
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ijustwishtodie

ijustwishtodie

death will be my ultimate bliss
Oct 29, 2023
4,879
I feel extremely shitty and I'm in a lot of pain due to life itself as well as dealing with some stupid religious bullshit in a third world country.

I wish that I had some sort of ghost or spirit by my side 24/7 who I can vent to and is empathetic to my suffering and pain. I hate at how I have to go insane alone and deal with life alone for the most part. I need directions on how I can be dead as early as possible. It's just so unfair that I'm alone for most of the day
 
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Lish

Lish

I, too, shall burn
Jun 4, 2024
31
Indifferent.

The only thing I care about is writing and reading.

Everything else can come and go.

I'll feel much better once I have a firearm. For once in my life, I'll be in full control.
 
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BecomingDiamond

BecomingDiamond

"Happiness isn't a Luxury." -C
Sep 25, 2024
14
Im alone right now with my dog, terrified of the future, feeling utterly worthless because I don't have a job and feel no energy to draw or practice my art.
 
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CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Injury damage disabl hard talk no argu make fun et
Sep 17, 2022
2,563
Me rly need euthnas me no psbl do any this me end
 
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HereTomorrow

HereTomorrow

Eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
513
I'm realizing I'm building a caffeine addiction. My job has been giving out free teas in the break room and it's giving me a surge of energy. They got this white tea that I add a sweetener to which tastes almost like a dessert without the extra calories. I've always been a tea person for almost a decade. I just love warm drinks.
 
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BeijaFlor

BeijaFlor

Dreamer
Oct 17, 2024
35
serenity

conflicted yet understanding

ponderous, doubtful

lonely

coming to terms

mellow

at peace, anguish

sadness
 
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