Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[-Link-]

Uhh, I thought that thread was in the Sanctuary... Turns out it was in the main forum... Surprise! Umm, no harm done, I guess...

If I could pay a little more attention to what I'm doing...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I watched The Substance a while back and not that long ago I watched a YouTube video where someone went over the movie. It's a great movie, but the got me thinking about some stuff and now I need to vent.

I constantly find myself obsessing over my appearance and feeling dissatisfied with it. I fear the idea of aging partly due to it having been ingrained in me by wider society that, as a woman, I'm not allowed to age. Aging is bad and being older means being uglier. Deep down inside I know this isn't true in the slightest, but I still myself falling for this shit. I measure my waist on a regular basis, getting all worried whenever I think it is going over 25 inches (my waist size tends to be between 24-25 inches). Sometimes, I find myself wanting it to be smaller. I'm constantly scared that one day my boyfriend won't find me attractive anymore. In a way, a part of me doesn't like it when comments on my appearance. It's always these nice compliments, such as how he thinks I should go into modelling or about how much he loves my eyes (he's very sweet). It makes me feel scared that if something were to happen to me one day, leading to my appearance degrading, he'd end up just leaving me. I know that he likes me for more than my appearance, but it still scares me.

I'm already not that good-looking, but my family (particularly my mom and ex-stepmother) have always put so much emphasis on my appearance in the past that it's led to me developing a lot of fears surrounding it. It's only made worse by wider society and by my gender. I feel too tall to be seen as fully feminine, I don't feel "white" enough to fully fit into Eurocentric beauty standards, I'm not curvy enough, and so forth. I wish I had never grown up and having my appearance commented on. I wish people didn't say anything about me, tbh. I don't like people talking about me. I hate existing so much.

I'm constantly stuck in a never-ending of battling with all this pointless societal bullshit that has been ingrained in me since childhood and I'm tired. Death is beautiful in a way because none of this matters when you die. It's a reminder that none of this matters in the grand scheme of things. Despite this, I still find myself treating all of this as some sort of end-of-the-world problem, obsessing over meaningless bullshit. I really wish I could find it in me to let go of all of this.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Well.... for almost a two year instead of medical help, I have been getting gaslighting from doctors.
They say that my pains and fatigue are imaginary, it's just hypochondria, and chase me from one doctor to another.

And I am tormented by pains and constant temperature.

Then I had to spend my last saved money on MRI and tests, and even though they found some strange cyst ,they still deny that it is causing me pain!

Now, in addition to depression and suicidal tendencies, I am physically ill.

And completely financially ruined.

I hate myself.
I'm a stupid bitch.

 

[nattanatta]

My last hope was just taken from me.

I'm done.

 

[boddibo]

can't i die already

 

[frog problems]

For me the hardest part about being irreparably mentally ill is that I seem to have lost everything except my sense of awe for life and the world around me. I still believe the world is filled with wonderful things. Beautiful art, interesting people, the wonders of science. And it hurts because I know that I will never be a part of it. I am too depressed to enjoy anything, too bitter to tolerate the company of the few people that care about me. Too stupid to accomplish anything. The one thing worse than losing everything is knowing how precious are the things that you lost.

 

[cicatrezESP]

i'm feeling like a lightning storm just outside of the eye of a hurricane hovering over the ocean

 

[fleetingnight]

Why can't I feel awake at all some days? I eat healthy meals, drink enough water, and have way too much caffeine, and, still, I can hardly stay awake. Why? I don't have the time to keep procrastinating and sleeping all day long. If I waste all day again, I'll feel so worthless.

 

[CTB Dream]

Me rly pain sffr no stop rly need end

 

[amnesia999]

Now that donald trump's won the 2024 US election, it's going to be hard to sleep tonight. And I will probably slice on my arm tomorrow. Looking forward to it, in fact.

 

[Esau_Herself]

I wish i could puke. I wish i could feel better. I'm sorry.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Sometimes the love I feel for my bf is so strong that it ends up causing my chest to feel tight. I really wish I could be with him right now. No matter how many times I tell him that I love him it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I can't find the words to express how deep my feelings run for him.

 

[Omnia131]

That life really could always get worse.

 

[varsisreal^_^]

Tired, oh so tired. Also like a fried fish in like a way, and i feel like my mom fried me

 

[JohnnySack]

apathetic as hell, im just tired of seeing orange man and we're getting 4 more years of this goober.

 

[Plutopolis]

Hurt

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Hardest thing than ever, lie to my closest family about my throughts...
Funniest thing , I'm talking in my dreams

 

[wren-briar]

I had been planning on leaving most of my estate to my brother. I love him, and I want the best for him, but I've kind of been forced to live with him for the last month, and I no longer feel like it would be the most ethical use of my estate.

I've spent my life trying to make the world a better place for many other people and, while he's great -in fact, he can be phenomenal- in crises, the reason he's so good in them is that he doesn't plan anything, nothing at all! He very intentionally lives in nothing but crises. He doesn't believe in cleaning or organizing anything. If he's fixing something, he literally drops tools on the floor, and they won't get moved until he needs them again.

For fuck's sake, he's 40+ years old, not intellectually challenged, but can't be bothered to zip his own flippin' fly after taking a piss!

Last March, it was proven to me that this isn't a world that I'm willing to live in. I failed to catch the bus at the end of August this year (again, that attempt, and my continued active suicidality, is a direct and explicit result of what I was subjected to in March of 2023).

In the aftermath, I began planning to try again on Veteran's day (Nov 11th).

Before my Aug failure andthrougj the last few days, I had been planning to leave my house to my brother to rent (it's in a different state than he is), but after living with him, I now feel the need to sell my house and personally divy up what I earn from it between organizations that are at least trying to make the world a better place for many other people, and just let my brother live off of whatever is in my 401Ks.

The fact that the orange fascist, and so many of his political allies and sycophants, won truly horrifies me and only adds more proof that this is no longer a world that I am willing to live in anymore, but I at least want to help others who are willing to actually try to improve it!

 

[swankysoup]

Last March, it was proven to me that this isn't a world that I'm willing to live in.

Wow you have your own website, i will definitely be reading some of that
Earlier i was feeling distraught by that whole election thing, wondering about the future. Now i feel a bit more calm however, after all i can't change this world.

 

[wren-briar]

Wow you have your own website, i will definitely be reading some of that

It's a very long and detailed case study of relevent events in the year prior to the lynchpin event, as well as the period between the lynchpin and my Aug failure. I want to add an addendum with what's happened since that failure, but I don't know if I'll have the energy to do that before I ultimately CTB.

Regardless, please, please, please share this link with anyone -friends, family, MH patients, supposed MH providers, MH administrators, suicide researchers, etc.- who you think might benefit from having a very detailed case study of how current MH systems actively drove someone -someone who was, by almost every possible metric, a very successful person who suffered from persistent depression and CPTSD- from baseline suicidality to unemployed, broken in entirely new ways, actively suicidial, despondently hopeless, and utterly anhedonic.

(I went through multiple personal hells, to include sticking around for many months, just to get this document written. I don't have any more fight left in me; this document is functionally my last battle cry to document and share the egregious and systemic problems (and their costs) that I personally experienced, in an attempt to help improve the MH system for those who follow. The more people who see it, the more likely it is that the people who can leverage such a case study -to actually bring about the real changes- will see it.)

 

[CTB Dream]

This wrld v awfl

 

[trashhologram]

I miss my youngest cat who had to be euthanized in October 20th. He had a tumour in his abdomen which ruptured. I want to die.

 

[MeaCulpa]

I'm exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, no matter how well I attempt to take care of myself, I am so physically tired that it's difficult to stay awake through a full day. I barely made it out of bed this morning. I'm so tired of always being the screw-up, and exhaustion is only making my mistakes worse.

 

[not fond of it]

I feel an achy tightening in my chest. That's how the pain manifests for me. Nicotine has recently stopped being effective in settling my nerves, and I have been avoiding any other substance to give ket therapy the shot it deserves. Just trapped in consciousness, killing time in the most comfortable ways that I can.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I don't know why but I can't sleep for some reason. Maybe there's just too much in my mind lately but I really don't want to deal with any of it. Why doesn't sleep just come for me already? Why do I have to continue wasting away in my own misery and loneliness? I know I deserve my suffering but I still want to end it. Does that make me selfish? Of course it does. I don't care about the pain my death will cause. It should surely outweigh the pain I would avert by continuing to be alive.

 

[amnesia999]

I'm still shocked and angry about the way the election turned out, and ready to rant about it. Not only did that orange piece of shit win the electoral college, The Guardian says he also won 51% of the popular vote. Unbelievable. Usually Democrats win the majority of the popular vote, even if they lose the election, or so I've heard. Anyone who thinks that orange piece of shit is in any way qualified to be president has little to no judgment and doesn't deserve to be trusted. If you voted tor trump, that's a deal breaker for me.

Also too, I recently got into an argument with someone over porn. Their position was that porn was the most evil industry on the face of the planet and should be banned. (I've only met one other person that felt that way.) My position was, that's not what people who post their own porn on OnlyFans say. I guess I made it sound like I was a huge consumer of dirty videos. However, I'm not. I just disagreed with them.

In a similar vein, I recently posted a link to an article that was very unkind to so-called "MAGAts" in a thread about the election. Someone then called me a "liberal shithead". But I'm not actually that liberal. More middle-of-the-road, in fact.

Maybe I should say these things when I'm arguing about them, instead of the idea popping up in my head later. Typical OCD to be still thinking about what I said days and weeks later.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I'm somehow calm. The disorienting feeling in my head is nearly gone and I feel weird for being able to think clearly.

I'm not suicidial either.

But I did have an emotional overwhelm at work to the point I needed to sit down for five minutes to process it. Luckily I was alone.

I want to say more, but I'm just surviving and trying to make peace with my past, but it's hard. I live with regrets, I barely trust people, and I need to fix both before I become suicidial again (and I know I will be, inevitably). How?

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

Feeling overwhelmed. Didn't work the first week of November and now I have piled up work for the weekend. Great

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm not feeling great. It took me way too long to catchup on all my school work, so I ended up only getting to study last minute. I am definitely going to be failing this exam. Doesn't help that my prof, as good as he is at teaching, seems to really love making overly difficult exams for this students. The last one was a pain in the ass and I have a feeling that this one is going to be worse. I am screwed...

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Today I feel angry about World. Shit happens everydays , everywhere. I'm not belong to this World anymore. All I can do is laying at home trying to avoid everything happening nowadays last days are hardest than I think