I feel bad for my mom…I grew up resenting her for how she treated me, but we've started getting along a little better these days.
But i've also recently accepted that suicide is unavoidable, it's absolutely going to happen.
I started ECT in July and it's not even working. We've been doing bilateral, which is the most extreme, and max everything else (ketamine, etc). I'm not even having any sort of cognitive issues, which would also be a plus for me, but no, nothing.
The psychiatrist i've been working with said he wants me to start pushing myself to do different things — and I just wanted to laugh. I literally want to jump off a building. It's hard to function like a normal when you're constantly thinking about wanting to die, that's why I started this treatment.
Yes, there's so much I could be doing right now but it's HARD when I constantly feel like dying. Now it's gotten to the point where I know for sure it's inevitable.
Like, fuck — I should not be in bed crying an hour after leaving my appointment.
I also recently just got my heart fucking destroyed and tossed by a guy I really loved, and i'm just devastated. I'm breaking down nearly every day because this feels like hell.
I just love my cat more than anything on this shithole planet and can't leave him here.