Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Manaaja]

Look! I'm fluent at typing and this with my keyboard being positioned badly and never practicing speed typing. It would have been 46 but I didn't notice one . after immortal. It counted typos for some reason, so if you wrote enviroment it counted that as no word written, which is stupid because if you write enviroment ten times in a minute you have written more than if you wrote 0 words.
EDIT: I took an another test and raised it to 52 words per minute, no typos. I feel my keyboard was still positioned badly, but 52 compared to 36 that an average writer types per minute is a lot. And because I'm not a native English speaker, my results might have been even higher in my own language.
EDIT2: Now my best is 54.
EDIT3: 57.
58 Woohoo!
60! Average person types 36 words per second. I can do 60! I actually got a funny problem where I was typing faster than reading. I'm a really slow reader, I can read fast but in that case I can't remember almost anything of what I just read.

But no wonder I type a lot since I can type fast. I should also check my reading speed. I had an app years ago which I used to train it, should prolly reinstall it.

I was on the anonymous mental health chat of which I have spoken a few times. I think the person might have recognized me. Because they were really talky but after my saying "I'd like to buy a rescuedog" they suddenly went quiet and took a long time to answer and when they answered they didn't ask me questions like "Have you had a dog before?" or "What kind of dog would you like to have?". And they said "You would be a good dog owner!". Like how would you know that?

I don't know if I should buy a dog. I really want to leave this world and get to a better world, a much better world. But at the same time, I just can't live without a dog. I don't know what to do. If only I good have a dog and still ctb, but I don't want to leave them nor do I wish a double suicide.... I wish a magic portal would open and I could just enter the new world with my new dog. ...In that case I could meet my old dog and not need a new dog. Tricky.

 

[Wanderingthroughdark]

Defeated. Tired. Angry.

 

[SleepDealer]

Insert sigh of defeat.

Woke up in a bad mood because of life and some strange dreams.

I had some notifications related to a post I didn't want to be reminded of. Should have unsubscribed from that topic. I responded anyway. My post was aggressive, I blew off some steam, but hopefully it didn't come across like I was angry with those I responded to. I'm angry at the world, not them.

I keep thinking of the last dream I had before I woke up. In the dream, I was a kid again. My class and I went on a school trip to another country and I was trying to enjoy myself but one of the teachers was acting strange towards me. I don't feel like explaining it. What's more important to me is the music. Some kids native to the country were playing a harp and a piano, it sounded so beautiful and I loved it so much, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I don't know why it made me sad. Before I knew what I was doing, I decided to get up and walk out of the building to get lost in this foreign country. I remember thinking it would be a nice place to die. Wandering those streets gave me such peace before I woke up.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Hahaha I just realized how much I hate my ex. That narcissistic little shit. He today showed how.... He is.

I always forgot how full of shit he is. But this time, I fucking know he is wrong! I have screenshots I have all, I know. He is trying now to change reality, but he can't. He always is trying to do that and I believe it. But now I don't believe it.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Pain

 

[spiralling]

Very scared

 

[Manaaja]

Hahaha I just realized how much I hate my ex. That narcissistic little shit. He today showed how.... He is.

I always forgot how full of shit he is. But this time, I fucking know he is wrong! I have screenshots I have all, I know. He is trying now to change reality, but he can't. He always is trying to do that and I believe it. But now I don't believe it.

Does he gaslight? I had a narcissistic ex-friend who started to gaslight me (there were always a few things about him that I hated, but that was the last straw.)

Me: I'm still hurt by what you said last week.
They: What did I say last week?
Me: When you said (tells them what they said). It hurt me. I've been sad and hurt this whole week because of it.
They: I didn't say that! You said that! And you also said (lies).
Me: Don't put words into my mouth!
They: I didn't put words into your mouth! You put words into my mouth!
Me: Okay, do you have proof that I said that?
They: No, but you still said that!
Me: Well, we can look at the chat log since this chat saves all the chats we have had recently. Let's see. Here. I was right. You were wrong.
They: ...
They: Maybe I did say something but you're still the one who is putting words into my mouth!
Me: Did you even look at the chat log? There's literal black on white that I'm right and you're wrong. You said hurtful things. You put words into my mouth. Then you lied that I put words into your mouth, even though you literally said what I said you said. I wish you took my feelings into consideration.
They: Well I'm not going to be your white knight or change myself just to please you.
Me: I didn't ask you to change yourself. I just want you to apologize.
They: I told you! I'm not going to change for you! You can't expect everyone to change themselves for you and please you!

I'm glad you got out of that relationship. It's good that you have screenshots. It's stressing with narcissists and their gaslighting that you have to record every text, video, chat. Too much work. You deserve rest from him.

 

[forgotten15]

Empty empty empty and fed up.

 

[BrokenHopes]

How do you type without thinking? My brain is a constant dust bowl of thoughts. I can't hide, I can,t be present. Life goes on and I am falling down. I can't stand up and I can't lay down. Where can I go? I'm stuck in my head. My body is a prison and my brain is the prison guard.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Does he gaslight? I had a narcissistic ex-friend who started to gaslight me (there were always a few things about him that I hated, but that was the last straw.)

Me: I'm still hurt by what you said last week.
They: What did I say last week?
Me: When you said (tells them what they said). It hurt me. I've been sad and hurt this whole week because of it.
They: I didn't say that! You said that! And you also said (lies).
Me: Don't put words into my mouth!
They: I didn't put words into your mouth! You put words into my mouth!
Me: Okay, do you have proof that I said that?
They: No, but you still said that!
Me: Well, we can look at the chat log since this chat saves all the chats we have had recently. Let's see. Here. I was right. You were wrong.
They: ...
They: Maybe I did say something but you're still the one who is putting words into my mouth!
Me: Did you even look at the chat log? There's literal black on white that I'm right and you're wrong. You said hurtful things. You put words into my mouth. Then you lied that I put words into your mouth, even though you literally said what I said you said. I wish you took my feelings into consideration.
They: Well I'm not going to be your white knight or change myself just to please you.
Me: I didn't ask you to change yourself. I just want you to apologize.
They: I told you! I'm not going to change for you! You can't expect everyone to change themselves for you and please you!

I'm glad you got out of that relationship. It's good that you have screenshots. It's stressing with narcissists and their gaslighting that you have to record every text, video, chat. Too much work. You deserve rest from him.

Yes... That sounds very familiar... And it's really frustrating. I'm sorry you've met people like that, too :(

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

It's a fucked up predicament when the only visible way out is to traumatize yourself through to the other side.

 

[Manaaja]

Yes... That sounds very familiar... And it's really frustrating. I'm sorry you've met people like that, too :(

Narcissists are often called emotional vampires, they drain your emotional power. When you cut contact with one, you'll often notice that you have more mental energy. I hope you don't have to meet him anymore.

Narcs often try to get in contact again. Just keep pushing him away. Make no contact with him. It might take some time, but just do it. Make yourself as unavailable and as uninterested as possible to him.

I didn't have many offline friends, and now I kinda only have one offline friend left. It was hard cutting contact with him because of that. I felt really lonely and lots of times I wanted to contact him again, but luckily some people online convinced me not to.

Sometimes my ex-friend was nice and understanding. Sometimes he actually seemed to care about my problems, at least some of them. We'd draw together, we'd talk a lot about anime, manga, games. We shared the same interests. We had a lot in common. We had fights sometimes and sometimes he revealed how unempathic and unsympathetic he really is, but I'd always forgive him and just forget about them, because I felt that the good outnumbered the bad. But in the end, he started gaslighting me for some reason and wouldn't stop, and well, I decided I deserve better friends. It's actually thanks to the people on this forum and a few other online places that I was able to see his true colors and cut contact with him. I was treated really kindly by the people online, and I'd realize that I'd rather hang out with people like them than with him.

It's funny. He literally said something akin to "If you have better friends, why don't you go and hang out with them!" after I had told him that there are people out there who treat me better than him - and I did. Then he of course sent me messages in which he seemed to think we are still friends. I never replied.

I hope we'll both find better people in our lives!

 

[SleepDealer]

Spoiler: Rambling with no paragraph breaks...

Why do I ever open my mouth? I'll never be right. I'll never be good. I'll never be what others want me to be. I'll never be what I want to be. There's no point in saying anything, I am not going anywhere. I am not doing anything. I have no goals. I have no plans. I'm not trying to do anything. Why do I... why am I even writing this? What does this accomplish? Who cares? I have too many thoughts, and nothing to do with them. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop wanting. Life just drags on and on and on and it never stops and I have no choice but to endure every second of it, eating, sleeping, breathing, watching minutes pass by. Can't think of the last time I spent a day without this feeling like I'm expecting something. I'm always waiting. When I draw, I say it's to pass the time. When I write, it's to pass the time. I talk to pass the time. I browse videos, websites, games, all to pass the time. I keep passing the time, expecting to find something that feels like more than a distraction, but I never do. Everything is a distraction from something that never really goes away. Like being stuck in a waiting room where you can't stop looking at the clock. Nothing is stimulating when you're so impatient that time is always on your mind. But I'm not waiting for 7:30, I'm waiting for something that never comes. I wait for the day to end, sleep, and wake up to a world that hasn't changed. Nothing ever changes. What was I waiting for? Why did I want the day to end? I'm craving something that I'll never get. Don't even know what it is. Feels like I'm starving from the bottom of my soul. I hate how that sounds. Stupid. Humiliating. I'm so embarrassed to be me. I hate this feeling. I hate being broken. I hate my personality, I hate my body, I hate my illnesses, I hate how I talk, I hate how inconsistent I am. I hate that I am the very thing I try to avoid. I'm never the same person. What are my opinions, what is my personality? What the hell am I ever doing? I'm missing something. I don't know how to be like other people. I don't know how to be normal. I'm always wrong. I never understand. I feel like I've faked every part of myself, that I contradict myself all the time, that I don't actually know anything, that everyone's looking at me like I'm crazy. I feel like the person people laugh at behind their back. Like every time someone has been nice to me, I was wrong to think that they meant it. I make people feel awkward. I say and do everything wrong. I make people cringe. The way I express myself is embarrassing. Why would anyone want to be around me? I wish they would admit how annoying I am. I wish they would tell me what I'm really like. I want to know what they think. What am I like? How do you see me? Am I awful? Am I mean? Am I stupid? Do I sound like I'm making everything up? Do I sound like I'm bragging or bullying or being a nuisance? Am I a pansy? A weakling? A sensitive snowflake? Am I awkward? Do people avoid me? Are my friends embarrassed to be with me? Have I ever been attractive? Am I just easy? Am I gullible, naïve? Does everyone see through me? Have I ever been right about what someone wants? What they like? What they mean? Do I make any sense? I don't know. What am I? I'm okay one second, and the next I'm typing this... A big, run on paragraph of nonsense that no one will read. The kind people avoid. Or do they? Maybe I'm wrong about that. I just don't know what else to do when I feel like this. It's not like it matters. Nothing changes no matter what mood I'm in or how I talk. The person I am when I'm feeling neutral or stable is no better at doing the things I want to do than the person I am right now. Meltdown or not, I'm still not going to get what I want. I'm still a weirdo. Still don't belong. Still broken. It's useless. I should stop trying. Stop caring. Do whatever I want. Who cares? Who cares if I embarrass myself? Who cares if I sound crazy? Who cares if I sound ignorant, stupid, weird, awkward, or anything else? Nothing changes. Nothing matters. I'll just be a dumb edgy fuck and get exactly the same result I have always gotten. The only difference is my filter. No need to put energy into making sense. No need to speak in a way that suits others or sounds relatable or poetic or meaningful or whatever. I'll ramble on and on and on and on... For no reason at all... Just because it's something to do... Because I need to pass the time until I die.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

God I wish I was confident enough in my method to be able to quit both of my jobs and just have some time to myself before I check out of life.
But I'm not, and I just can't get off this awful treadmill that I keep running on in fear of ending up in debt, hoping I just drop dead one day just because I sleep 2-3 hours a day and get most of my calories from Red Bull, while being under constant stress.

 

[BrokenHopes]

What if I cant stop eating? I am afraid, disgusted and feel trapped. This is so scary it feels like I have no conrtrol. I gained so much in the last month. My body is a troture chamber I am trapped in. I wish I could stop eating and just loose the weight. I can't. I can't have any food at home because I just eat it. This is truly a nightmare. I had struggled for years to loose the weight and now I have gained it back in a month. This is an absolute horror. I want to be free from this horrible cage of a body.

 

[Papaver]

Rage. Pure rage with no outlet. I wish I could make myself bleed or trash something, but I'm at work right now. Biting my cuticles and lip will have to do.

 

[auror.]

I'm just tired of myself. I'm trying to have the courage to ctb but I've never had the courage to do anything worthwhile in my life.

There is no reason for me to prolong my suffering like this. I don't know what I'm waiting for. My life never improves; with time, things only get worse.

I'm so disgusted by myself. Constantly crying, always getting upset and panicking over every little thing. The only times other people can stand me is when I'm wasting all my energy pretending to be whatever (I think) they want me to be.

I need to bite the bullet and just end it. But I'm having a hard time accepting my reality. I'm not sure why, though. Am I afraid of what awaits me when I finally go? Am I afraid of the hurt my family will feel? Or am I just dangerously deluded with the fantasy that my life will ever get better, that I will magically cease to be the useless, pathetic worm that I am and always have been?

Despite everything, I want to take a second to apologise for and marvel at how cringe inducing everything I've just written is. Well, how cringe inducing everything I write is.

I guess my age really shines through on what I think and say. Nothing of substance, just perpetual whining.

 

[WaterHemlock]

Desperately lonely and not sure what action I can take to change it. I've been going to online Codependents Anonymous and Adult Child of Alcoholics and Emotions Anonymous meetings. I am finding much that's helpful yet I still feel supremely broken, spinning my wheels. I try so hard to stay alive one more day and it seems like I'm an invisible NPC caught in a corner. I can't even remember why I'm even trying.
Every so often this guy calls me and I get happy for a minute, til I remember he's only calling when he wants something. And I still talk to him, just to have some friendly contact with humans, even as I kick myself for being so pathetic. There's a party across the street and it just makes me want to cry. I don't even want to go, I just want to have been invited, want to have a place to go thats warm and welcoming and accepting.

 

[Panna]

There's a party across the street and it just makes me want to cry. I don't even want to go, I just want to have been invited, want to have a place to go thats warm and welcoming and accepting.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's the absolute worst, what makes them so special that people are inspired enough to actively reach out for them? What are they doing that we're not to deserve it? To me it always feels like these kinds of people are rubbing it in my face. I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.

 

[odradek]

I feel my suicidality is like climate change. A slow moving crisis that I and everyone in my life are unprepared to deal with. The clock is ticking and disaster is already here. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to live. My options have run their course. I feel today, the last of my glaciers are melting away, my forests are on fire and my city is ravaged with flood and famine. Nothing but ruin lies ahead. My ecosystem is damaged beyond repair. What will tomorrow bring? I hope for eternal nothingness. I'm so sorry... God I'm so pretentious. But I really am sorry for the pain I'm about to cause...

 

[http-410]

I am absolutely desperate. As if I wasn't already miserable, something else bad happened. I have no idea what to do. It's getting worse and worse, there's no other way out. I'm still having trouble coming to terms with it, but I'll have no choice but to accept it in the end.

I have to get out of here, away, away from everything.

 

[mousebot]

Numb and tired because i just woke up. Also some dread thrown in there

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I have a work related exam tommorow in toxicology. The class was held last week. No mention of SN or N. So that was dissapointing. I was ready to give valuable imput. We did touch on the topic of cyinide and that peaked my interest, but three quarters of the class was about safe handling and safety procedures. Snore fest!
The teacher quoted Paracelsus wrong so I corrected her at everyone's amazement. Thx @Graf von Leiningen
What I got from the class though, combined with my previous knowledge, is that 3g/kg of salt can kill you, so it's best to season your various salads and steaks with SN.

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

The teacher quoted Paracelsus wrong so I corrected her at everyone's amazement. Thx @Graf von Leiningen

It was never my intention to impart any kind of knowledge whatsoever with any of my contributions to this website, and I apologise sincerely for the unintentionally educational nature that some of my written works may or may not have.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

It was never my intention to impart any kind of knowledge whatsoever with any of my contributions to this website, and I apologise sincerely for the unintentionally educational nature that some of my written works may or may not have.

If it makes you feel better, you not provading a translation of Kafka's aphorism was a major dissapointment. What am I supposed to do with that? How about from now you write all your posts in German to save you the trouble of apologizing for not being completely useless.
It might work.

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

If it makes you feel better, you not providing a translation of Kafka's aphorism was a major disappointment.

To be honest, I've completely forgotten about that. Perhaps I'll get around to do that sometime; you'll like them.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Learn German.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

To be honest, I've completely forgotten about that. Perhaps I'll get around to do that sometime; you'll like them.

Probably know a lot of them already. But you do that. We deserve more than that mumbo jumbo.

Learn German.

Only if you make a contribution of imaparting me with the knowledge of said language

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Stress and despair

 

[motel rooms]

I just realized I can take my bf's last name when we get hitched. I like that.

 

[AtMostOkay]

I feel confident. In where I came from. In who I am. And that, no matter what the future holds, I alone control what I do and don't do.