Discussion there has to be more

[autonecrotic]

its kind of funny. today i woke up feeling normal, neutral as always. not fine, not okay, just neutral. thats my baseline throughout my whole life. i had plans to hang out with a friend and during this session i was washed over with an overwhelming wave of depression. just complete utter emptiness, hopelessness. even said it out loud to her "i always just feel like i am putting off the inevitable." it got worse until i decided i just wanted to go home to be alone and drink a bottle of wine in bed and cry. and on the drive back started considering methods to possibly attempt, or at least cause some irreversible damage. but i had recently started speaking with this really sweet guy. and i didnt want to just do it and have him think i ghosted him. so i talked to him and gamed with him a bit. and he doesnt know it but that kept me from attempting something seriously violent and harmful against myself. i did not let him know that of course because i believe putting that type of burden on another's shoulders is extremely irresponsible and just unfounded. but its just strange to me how something so small, so little can change the trajectory of how your mind frame can work in these instances. this isnt to say that i will go forward to never want to ctb again. just that maybe im easier to convince to stay than others, and if that makes me pussy then so be it. there has to be some reason i am still here, be it hope or sheer willpower and luck. but there is the part of me that still wishes that there could be a future for me where i don't suffer, where i don't have to battle addiction for the rest of my life, where i don't have suicide blinking like an exit sign in the back of my mind every day and night of my life. there has to be more to life than whatever this putrid cycle is