Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Yogobro298]

I feel good, my emotions constantly dip but for some reason I feel positive and hopeful. At least right now lol...

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I feel melted down. Like an action figure that's now a puddle of plastic. I just... whoever I used to be isn't there anymore. I am blank. I am pain. I am alone.

 

[Celerity]

My current life feels like an unfinished sequel I was never meant to experience.
The story already ended and the credits rolled, but instead of seeing a black screen I am trapped in an after image that never should have been.

I feel the exact same way. Great way to put it.

 

[whywere]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Walter for your message..I am honored to be considered your friend,you are a source of inspiration for me, you have been through a lot but you have always remained pure and fighting ... I honestly do not know where you find the strength!But how do you do when you miss friends and family in real life? It's not the same online .... how do you do when you need someone in real life? When you feel painfully lonely and abandoned? Sorry for all the questions ...Thank you for the encouraging words ... without you the world would be a worse place for sure ... I wish you a shining week...hugs

You are a great friend and I thank you for the great post to me. You made my day!!

I will confess that when my "mother" died, she went after my "dad", both were very shall we say mean?! It hurt to have to call a hospital a long distance away and be told from a hospital staff member that she passed and both of my siblings had been there all day.

When my "mom" died, my "parents" left my younger sister a 23 acre hobby farm and cash. My older brother got $2.2 million U.S. dollars and I got ZERO. In fact I was told to stay away from BOTH of my "parents" funerals. Have not spoke to either sibling in over 30 years, their choice. So on that aspect I have just gotten used to having no family.

As far as friends goes, I am very liberal as far as pro choice, I am very much LGBTQ , we are ALL the same period, I do not believe in organized religion..etc, with these opinions and/or thoughts the folks around me where I live that I have contact with have a 100% different value system and well, lets say we clash. So I have no physical friends to speak of.

Somedays, I will 100% say, that I miss having a physical human around me and I always am open to having friends as long as they are open minded. One discriminates against one person it is against all to me. I was VERY, VERY poor growing up, food, shirt on my back, roof over my head, that was it and in school I was picked on a lot because I was poor and I HATED it, and told myself when I became a adult I would never ever be that way ever.

I had a significant other till last fall, 2020, and I found out that she cleaned me out of a lot of money that I had saved up. I had her leave and have not had any physical friends since.

I am always open but at my age it is tougher and so I have mentally resolved the fact that places like SS are my family and friends. Physical? No, but on a mind set like mind where every soul is important and their thoughts are also. Where no one discriminates against one another.

It is very hard, no joke and I will confess, that there are a few days where a physical hug or smile or someone in ones corner to go with like to the doctors or likewise and it is something that I just get through.

So I hope this answers some of your questions. I am a open book and I consider all of SS my family and have no problem talking about my past.

You are a very beautiful soul with a heart of gold and so, so much going for you. I dislike saying this in a way, but at 65, reference point only, having bumped around through the decades I, like everyone does, have gathered some life experiences as such that I firmly believe that you WILL be awesome.

You are bright, loving , caring and all the qualities that make a person a fantastic person and you will go far, I 100% believe in you hands down.

Thank you for the lovely post, you are a saint and I am always around and I send you a beautiful sunny blue sky filled with puffy white clouds to enjoy.

Walter

 

[odradek]

Ready

 

[motyxia]

I feel relieved because I talked to my friend about how I might die soon. I'm really thankful for him and happy I met him. I also feel really angry and really sad and really scared. I want to cry & be hugged & comforted but I also want revenge on the world & to break things & for everyone to stay away from me. I feel like I'm mourning myself but I'm still alive.

 

[motel rooms]

I feel helpless because I don't know what to say to a member who might be about to ctb. I can't console them, there's nothing I can say that they haven't already heard & tried. All I have in my arsenal are stupid jokes. I want to give them a big hug, but my hands are completely tied.

 

[Seaghost]

I'm happy...aa happy you can be in such situations why we are here.

I can't describe things detailled to cover the one(s) who's/are helping me but dignitas would accept me.
They wrote that the final day could be in weeks or till a year.
But as you know you need a doctor by your side. If that works I'll know end of this month but it looks good.

That would push a rock of my shoulders...

 

[Manaaja]

I told someone that I have a huge problem, and they immediately came up with a ten minute speech on how it's all my fault. You know nothing about me! Don't make assumptions! What made me even angrier was that the guy was all "Now, now, don't get angry!".

Really fucking nice to spend my whole life trying dozens of different ways to fix my problem, and then someone who knows nothing about me comes and says "It's all your damn fault for being like that and not trying!"

There is a goddamn huge difference between "You might have tried these already, and if you have I'm sorry to repeat the obvious, but maybe X, Y and Z could help your problem if there's any way you could try them." and "It's all your fucking fault for not doing X, Y, Z."

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

Human communication is fundamentally flawed and beyond salvation.
The mind is therefore a prison from which no thought can escape, even when the gates are wide open.
There is no way out of the mind.

 

[deflationary]

Human communication is fundamentally flawed and beyond salvation.
The mind is therefore a prison from which no thought can escape, even when the gates are wide open.
There is no way out of the mind.

I didn't get any of this.

 

[whywere]

I feel helpless because I don't know what to say to a member who might be about to ctb. I can't console them, there's nothing I can say that they haven't already heard & tried. All I have in my arsenal are stupid jokes. I want to give them a big hug, but my hands are completely tied.

You are such a great soul! The depth of kindness , caring and love that you have is beyond heart warming. You made me cry thinking of your friend and you and your post.

I hope and pray everything works out ok.

Sending you lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that you and your friend are never ever alone.

Walter

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Went out drinking with my sister and her bf (more like fiancé/husband, would be extremely surprised if they ever leave each other). Think I hinted at CTB pretty strongly, but what can you do after drinking 2L of strong beer with no tolerance (I haven't had a real drink in 6 months). Anyway, I think my whole family knows what I am about to do and they're basically accepting my decision on a fundamental level. Don't want to put them through this, but how can I live for others when my own needs haven't been met for so many years? Sry for grammar, kind of tipsy.

 

[foreverlikethestars]

Starving and so lonely from a lack of friends

 

[Manaaja]

STOP CALLING ANIMALS YOU HATE RATS UNLESS THEY ARE ACTUALLY RATS!

There's a group of cat haters and another group of dog haters who both call animals they don't like rats. That's equivalent to someone hating Tom and saying "I hate Sam, she's a real shithead!" even when they have never met anyone called Sam. It's okay to not like dogs or cats, but it's not okay to draw innocent animals of other species in.

I knew a person (online) who had cute rats. Too bad they died early because rats don't live long.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I had an interesting two weeks. I've drank and snorted meth in and out of work every day. I had measure in it, even though things like that can easily get out of control. Overall, I'm much more lively although much more unpredictable. Not in an edgy, nervous way like usual, but the drugs and alchohol made me less concerned. And this made me open up, experience some spontaneity for a change.
The morning afters are starting to become very heavy and this feels like an omninous indication of things to come. I'm a bit concerned about the long term effects. At the same time, I couldn't care less.
So little, I'm becoming dangerously careless. Yesterday I went into the toilet at work to snort. I prepared the line but found myself out of paper money. I ripped a little piece of a cigarette pack and rolled a tiny tube (I should have just emptied a cig, but alas). It was very hard to snort with it so I stuck my nose right in there. When I got back my colleague noticed I have something white on my nose. I played dumb and I think I fooled him, but now he's talking about it to the others. Fortunately, everyone treats this as a joke. Including me. I played it smoothly and sold the lie. I think. I hope. Don't really care.
At the top of it, I hide little pocket bottles of Jagermeister or vodka in my double socks. I'm constantly checking the position of the bottom of my pants, check if the bottle is showing. Thank god for the masks, btw, that enable me to hide the alchocolic breath so well. Or so I believe.

Another interesting thing that happened this week is that, after a two year recurring argument I had with my friend we managed to came to a resolve. It took one big fight, one which we were avoiding for 2 years for the sake of common courtesy, to make her cry and ask me to forgive her. I won't go into the details of the story now (it's very long and I don't feel like it) but that made me satisfied. I deserved that apology. She betrayed me as a friend. Seeing her showing that she does care after such a long time of acting like an ice queen really melted my defenses. In return I gave her a birthday present I've been keeping for a year and didn't gift because, well, it's a long story :)

 

[cloudnone]

I miss my cat. I wish I could make things work with my love. I wish I could die right now. Just have an aneurysm and die.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Pure loneliness. I wish I had someone to talk to. Still missing him. Im so tired but i have to stay up the whole night. I'll remain friendless forever.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I don't know why I can't just accept when I'm actually in a good mood, maybe it has something to do with my self loathing or maybe I just feel guilty. I don't mean to flex my happiness especially not here because I know it's only fleeting anyway and that eventually I'll be back into the pits of despair and/or boredom though right now at least I feel pretty ok if not a little overwhelmed with how much there is to do with the games that I play…

 

[frown]

First post. Long-time follower of the site,, just joined..
I'm sobbing in a parking lot at 2:20AM, waiting on a coworker.
I physically can't do anymore.
I mentally can't do anymore.
I financially can't do anymore.
Between health and financial issues (which are hand in hand), I don't have any other way out.
Nobody in my life listens to me, even though I've helped the majority with SI (including my girlfriend and both of my parents, though my dad did ctb). That hurts the most. They just don't seem to give a shit enough to listen. Not that it matters.
I feel physical pain. I'll spare the details but using the restroom is near impossible, plus other scary symptoms. Can't afford a doctor, so oh well. America is the best country in the USA.


I'll clock in nonetheless. Today just isn't the day.
As you were.

 

[needingpeace24]

Been working my way to this for months and now I'm here. Thankful for this collection of information to help me.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I think I'm done with everything :):):):):) im absolutel;y angry :).

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I think I'm done with everything :):):):):) im absolutel;y angry :).

Twinsies. Fuck, man.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Twinsies. Fuck, man.

I know right? :). I feel like punching... anything :).

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I know right? :). I feel like punching... anything :).

 

[Kitchenparty]

Hey! Been here a while but haven't posted.

i feel hopeless and helpless and astounded that my life has come to this. Taken such a shitty path from a great one I was on for years. But I have had 14 years (I am 54) of mental and now increasingly physical pain. I am haunted by good memories and knowing I lost a good life, and for a bunch of reasons I know things can't get better for me.
I have given myself five months. I am going to try to last five months. If something radical changes, I will give it more time. If not, at least I know I gave it a shot.

 

[finish.me]

Agony. trapped

 

[Seaghost]

Sadness.
Woke up a few minutes ago...07:30.
Want to sleep a lil bit longer but my thinking's turnin around my deathwish.
I know I'm gettin help from outside but it's slow...so slow.
Gettin SN from the jungle? A try to calm myself? A rescue even if it may be not so peaceful as N is?
Oh my...

Yesterday I read the Dignitas guiedelines...exhausting.
When I can get my fingers to the amitryptiline cocktail I'm gone.

Forgive me not writing in english.
So leer, so unfassbar leer. Heulen im Bett. Herr lass es endlich enden.
Ich habe genug gelitten in dieser Einbahnstraße. Ein röcheln auf Zeit.
Es muss nächste Woche ein Erfolg werden, mind. ein kleiner.
Ich kann mich meinen Mitmenschen nicht länger verstellen. Diese Fassade, dieses Nichtverwirklichen des Selbsts ist Schande.
Gefesselt im eigenen Körper in der eigenen Seele, sofern davon noch etwas übrig ist.
Allein, dass wieder ein neuer Tag beginnt ist erniedrigend. Fressen müssn, trinken müssn, wichsen zur Beruhigung. Ekelhaft, als Mann noch dazu.
Ich muss einkaufen und weiss nicht wie. Ich habe Angst vor dadraußen auch wenn mir Musik ins Ohr spielt...ich muss euch doch ertragen, sehen...erdulden...und mich auch.

 

[Freedom Believer]

Pretty good. I just contacted D about getting N. Don't know much (if anything) about crypto so I asked him the easiest way to give money to him. With any luck, I should have made my purchase of two bottles of N and soon I will CTB and be on the other side with my beloved! The only worry is getting the N without my dad noticing it and coming up with a believable excuse should the package arrive when he's there.

 

[Manaaja]

I have always felt like I were meant for more than this... but... what can I do? What should I do? I want to be saved. Or at the very least, I want to save myself.