Introduce yourself

[somnicStargaze]

hooroo all, struggled with thoughts of ending my own life for a good while now, spent a long time hurtin' over em. Not sure what changed but recently I had a severe shift in perspective which, through sheer happenstance, lead me to this very forum. Lurked for a while before making an account, doing a bit of research on methods and keeping an eye on new threads to see how things worked in here. I can't describe how freeing it is to see this sort of subject matter discussed openly and without reproach.

Before I found this place I was getting the majority of my information on methods and their viability from Quora of all places!

 

[Kurushii]

Hello! It feels strange not being alone. I wish life could've been worth it, but it simply isn't. Not for me anyway. I hope that one day I'll be able to ctb.. Nice to meet everyone!

 

[asterisk3]

hey
im a 24yo trainwreck
from SA
i kind of wanted to make friends but im not good with these sorts of things. i guess talking and sharing things is good enough though

ive struggled with a myriad of psycho(logical) issues since i can remember... just really bad luck overall, though i did have some good opportunities in education that i "threw away" (was/am too much of a uncontrolled freak to make the most of, or at least that's how i see myself)

trying to go back into studying and having a... decent result but. it feels like theres nothing worthwhile in stock for me in life. dont want to spend the next 50 years alone and miserable, even with a lot of money. wanted a life partner but that seems like wishful thinking at best and out of touch with reality unicorn-hunting at worst, so im here counting the time that i have left before the supposed inevitable.. that is me

 

[existenceisacurse]

Hello SS
I lost the will to live and I want to die

 

[Inferno]

Hi there! I know this is a bit of a late introduction post but whatever. I'm a teenage male who lives in a comfortable middle class suburb of Melbourne. I have it pretty easy in life and don't really have any problems with family but I've been struggling with severe mental illness since childhood. I have been suicidal since I was 7 or 8 years old and attempted suicide multiple times before I was a teenager. During my teenage years I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Depression and Autism. It would take too long to summarise my mental health issues but I'll just say I've been in treatment since 3rd grade and have been put on antidepressants and antipsychotics. Nothing seems to work and I've just accepted that something must be irreparable about my brain. I'm going to commit suicide as soon as I get my gun license.

 

[Damnation]

Hi, I'm a basement dweller just looking for a way out of this world.

I love sleeping, dreaming, music, cute things, animals, and youtube. I also love cuddling and romance, in theory. Never actually loved anyone, and never felt comfortable cuddling anyone either. I have a plushie that's more of a boyfriend to me than any of the guys I actually dated.

 

[JustRandomGuy]

Hello, I joined a year ago but haven't had the courage to introduce myself until now.

I'm 18 and live in the UK. I'm really lonely, anxious, weird, insecure and have no social skills/life. I've pushed away all my friends and have no one to talk to. I've wanted to ctb since I was 14 when I was bullied and driven to self harming and starved myself for a bit. I used to be bright in school but I don't see the point in trying anymore. I don't have any motivation and I'm extremely bored and sick of this world. I'm always on edge and I have trust issues. I don't have the energy to do anything, if I wasn't living with my parents I would probably go without food for a few days. I feel like a massive disappointment and useless. I've talked to so many counsellors and social workers for several years and nothing's helped, I'm hoping to get anti-depressants soon. I'd like to find comfort here and not feel so alone. I like art, painting, drawing, nature, anime and animals :)

Did anti-depressants helped?

 

[Secret]

Hi, long time lurker, but figured it was about time to introduce myself.
I am 34, from Scotland. I have suffered from various mental health problems for many years now (Eating Disorder, Depression, Social and General Anxiety, OCD, BPD, also get panic attacks, i self harm and of course suicidal ideation)

I am not able to work, i still live at home (thankful i have a roof over my head) and only social contact really is online. It has been over 10 years since i last saw a friend. I actually even barely talk to anyone online if i am being completely honest.
I live with my Mum and my 6 fur kids.
I also cannot drive.
I really am a no hoper and i have no plans of growing old or any rubbish like that.
Just an all round failure i guess.
The only reason i am actually still here breathing is because of my fur kids and my mum. My Mum and I have a strained relationship and i cannot open up to her, but she is my mum and i love her. I cannot leave them.

Like i said, i have no plans to grow old, i simply do not want to. So that is why i am here. To be with people who don't judge, who understand where i am coming from.
There is only so much mental torture anyone can take, every single day. It is suffocating and life is just not for me.

But for now, i am here.

 

[BBBB]

Welcome. Thanks for sharing.

 

[InLoveWithAGhost]

Pleasure to meet you all. Not currently planning my own death or seeking to, as I'm having a rather pleasant time currently, but I have struggled with it in the past and I'm fairly sure that one of these days, whether in the far future or in a few months as fortune chooses, I'm going to attempt and succeed. I'm starting to think I'd prefer more time to live, which is pretty nice, but I've lived this way long enough to know that feeling will dissipate eventually. Best to enjoy it before it does! Regardless of my current lack of intention, I do feel a kinship with the people here. It feels like home in a weird way. I wish you all the best.

 

[InLoveWithAGhost]

I was subscribed to some guy for his video-essays on music, but then he made an awful, insidious video filled with lies and emotional fallacies about that forum, which was enough to finally make me want to register and contribute/support.

It's okay you can say Tantacrul lmao. I'm here from the same video, minus the history with the forum.

 

[zaros]

sup im karkat im 18 ive been in a really bad mental state since i was like 10. i like homestuck the webcomic and i struggle a lot with anxiety and envy, the need to be better than others, and unknowingly making the worst possible actions to push people away unintentionally. i found this place through tantacrul (i never watched the video, i saw the first 20 seconds and went to find the site, im glad i didnt watch it) and its been nice to see that im not the only one like this and that whenever i do decide to ctb for realsies there's more reliable ways available to me. see yall round i guess lol

 

[ohtwoait]

Hi, I'm 028, a real-life cyborg suffering from moderate depression, ever-increasing amounts of anxiety and agoraphobia, and several unhealthy fixations on morbid topics. Between the ages of 18 and 25. I draw and write a lot but none of it's very good. Joined mostly to gather info and advice on a few things, but I also thought it would be nice to talk to people/a community with similar issues since I don't really have any friends IRL or online.

 

[Somnea]

I'm 28F. Graduated last year with my master's degree in art. About to publish my first book soon.
I put a date on my calendar for today in three years to CTB. This is my last shot at life. Three years is a reasonable amount of time to try. I have a great family and know that ending myself would destroy their lives completely. The guilt would be unbearable, but I guess I don't have to bear it when I'm dead.

It is ironic how Tentacrul's video got me here. I never knew that there is a forum like this around. When I saw that bullshit video, I knew that I need to register. It's not that I am in complete agony or my life is a mess. I managed to overcome a lot of challenges and also led a privileged life. I strive to succeed and when I do, it just feels empty. This existence can not fill me. It never did.

I've been struggling with mental health problems and suicidal thoughts since puberty. Attempted CTB in the most stupid and nonsensical ways when I was younger. But now that I am at peace with myself more than ever, the idea of CTB seems much more rational and less frightening.

Btw I really like plants.

 

[Zelonis]

Hey, I'm Zelonis ,18M. I have suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts ever since I was a kid. I joined this forum in order to have a non judgemental space in order to talk about taboo topics such as suicide and depression unmolested from neurotypical society. I like to read books and manga. In addition I enjoy watching anime. As of the current moment my favorite anime is "Serial Experiments Lain", my favorite manga is "Attack On Titan", and my favorite book is "Crime and Punishment".

 

[strangelove]

Hi. 29m, brazilian here. As some other members have already mentioned it, I've also found out about this forum through Tantacrul's video.
I have no pleasure in life and I have suicidal thoughts since my 13-14s. I'm planning to either take my life this year or just forget about it and swallow my pain, as my grandma used to tell me: One must resolve one's life before his 30 years old

 

[Golden Slumbers]

Hi friends. My life has actually been getting a little better lately since I've been forcing myself to face my social anxiety and found people more forgiving and open to me than I expected. I feel much less suicidal than I used to be. However, when I do slip into negative thoughts and loneliness I've found this place to be weirdly motivating me to stay alive, unlike all the sickly saccharine throwaway niceness you see on any other place when suicide is discussed. I don't know if that makes me an emotional parasite on you guys or something but i hope you understand what I'm getting at lol. I would love to build something with you all.

 

[Sparr0w]

hey, im sparrow, 18nb, autistic. been suicidal since i was 13, tried to CTB 4 times so far with only 1 remotely successful attempt.

now that im going to uni ill have my own money and a place to send packages w/o family asking what it is. so now im browsing the methods ppl have posted, no clue if ill actually try anything tho.

i like art but if i post any here ill have to be careful not to post anything that could link back to my accs on other websites .x.

 

[disillusion]

Hi
I am korean, mid 40
I cannot remeber any happy memory. I seem to attract harmful situations or people to me. Maybe subconsciously? So that i will finally ctb soon??

Was molested by neighbour teenage boy several times when i was only 4
Was molested again by stranger when i was 9.
Was molested by stranger when i was 25
Was constantly groped by perv passengers on subway

All my life, i was bullied and abused so i think my brain didnt develop fully. Or damaged. I read that our brain develops till age 25 and our brain can shrunk if abused. I have been verbally physically and mentally abused by parents. Until age 29.
Then my partner slowly turning into abuser due to his inner demon.
Also was bullied at school and ostracized at some work places. Suffered false rumours. False accusations, sexual harrasment etc
My health is failing and I am in constant pain ( tmj, chronic migraine, thyroid malfunction, frozen shoulder, facial pain neck pain, racing heart- mayb due to anxiety)
I have bpd and depression too. Currently on medication since pandemic.
Sure abuse triggered alot of unhappiness and bad consequences changing my personality to worse but things r going down hill as i get older.
Used to be extrovert now i am introvert and not want to talk in person at all. Also nothig to talk about when all i care about is ctb.

I have no joy. Have no hobby. Dont like movies or show. Zero libido. No longer read books( used to be bookworm) financial situation getting worse. Home state getting worse by not maintaining. Relationships i burn bridges because of depression and anxiety.

I like being alone. Being real. I like honesty
These dont suit in this world
Have young kid to take care but how long can i postpone ctb.

I would miss cuddles with kid so much but thats the only thing I will be missing of this world.

 

[lark]

Hi everyone.

I'm just a guy who's struggling a lot. Almost every moment of my life feels like a chore, like something I have to force myself to do.
I've been isolating myself a lot because people are exhausting. I spend my time going to work, making music and playing videogames.

@Sparr0w greetings, fellow bird.

 

[lottiecara139]

Hi!
I'm Lottie, 26-yr old trans girl from the UK. Been suicidal since about age 12 but only tried once. My heart breaks reading all these descriptions of trauma and abuse other people have gone through (wish I could give hugs through the internet) and I feel almost guilty mentioning my petty issues in comparison but here goes...

I think I was born broken. Some grotesque combo of ADHD, autism, social anxiety and probably a smidge of narcissism make me fundamentally incapable of succeeding or becoming a productive, worthwhile member of society. Attempting basic tasks like life admin, housework, professional work or school I just stress, overthink, burn out, feel like shit then procrastinate and fail to do anything but make myself more miserable (I've failed to keep every job I've had and dropped out of uni twice because of this). They must have given me over a dozen different medications for these faults but none work. If they revealed tomorrow they were simply sugar pill placebos in those boxes and bottles, I would barely be surprised. Not sure I exactly "want" to die, but there's so little here for me now that it always feels like the better option. Life is just so much fucking hassle and the good never gets close to outweighing the bad.

Main thing holding me off CTB is the pain I know it would cause my family who don't deserve it. To me, it's a case of reviewing options and picking the one that suits me better but I know they would blame themselves. Ultimately, I'd just be another depressed tranny taking the easy way out instead of putting in the work to 'get better'.

I hope I'm wrong, and I hope every other account on here is wrong too and we all get better and learn to genuinely love life. But... y'know, we don't live in a Disney cartoon.

 

[krxbs]

hey all. i'm reluctant to give out identifying info but i'm a young adult studying at university. i made this account after watching a certain youtube video, while going through an awful time. i'm doing a little better, so i'm reluctant to the idea of ctb, but i'm still making sure i have a plan if the day comes. if i ever find myself and solve my problems, i want to be a musician really bad.

hope everyone's doing alright. or, well, as alright as one can be on a forum like this.

 

[morimori]

Hi! I finally got my account approved today, and seeing the email in my inbox genuinely lifted my spirits after a really garbage week. I found out about this forum after someone mentioned it on Eating Disorder Central. I gave myself a deadline to CTB (hope I'm using the term correctly) in April and I already have a method I'm considering, but I'm looking around for other methods and ways to make the impact of my passing as minimal as possible. Cheers! ♡

(In case anyone reads this, is there a way to search on this forum? I'm hopefully looking for methods/resources specific to my country but idk if it's possible to search T.T)

 

[ephemerality]

hey guys, i'm averie. i'm an eighteen year old trans girl who's struggling to see any sort of future which works out "positively" for me, whatever that means. joining the forum to find a non-judgemental space to talk about mental health without running into the same words of "encouragement" that i run into far too often in other spaces. trying to hold out until i move into higher education, hoping that getting away from the root cause of some of my problems might help, but i need a contingency plan and people to just chat to without getting judged.

i want to get better but i've forgotten what better is.

 

[ilovecats]

Hi! I'm a fresh 18 yo struggling with my family, social and personal life. My problems are not that horrible but I can't cope with them and thought about suicide for 4 years, and, recently, while my life is on a free fall, set a day and method to cbt but I want to reconsider my decision, not wanting to act out of desperation. I really want this decision to be made rationally, dying while being at ease with death or giving life another chance. I've always been a very logical person, but never had the chance to express myself because of my "outlandish" view on the world, but as I've seen o this forum, I finally think that someone will understand me and I really look forward to being part of this community. Also thank you for accepting my request, you brightened my day!

 

[krxbs]

(In case anyone reads this, is there a way to search on this forum? I'm hopefully looking for methods/resources specific to my country but idk if it's possible to search T.T)

welcome! on desktop, there is a search bar you can use on the top right. at least that's how it works on my theme, sasu dark 2022. i hope this helps, i'm also new.

 

[tessa__mocha]

Hello everyone <3
My name is Tessa and I'm new here after being a lurker for a long while. I'm 22 and I've had depression and an ED for most of my life. I like this community a lot and I'm happy to finally be a part of it. I like makeup and concerts and lots of music! I have been motivated to join and start preparing for things with the recent influx of anti-trans legislation <3

 

[MissedTheBusAgain]

I'm not really sure how to start this, but here goes anyway. I'm turning 40 this year, but I was 7 the first time I tried to catch the bus and missed it. I've got all the traumatic greatest hits in my life, plus I'm queer, non-binary, and autistic so life has been abject misery pretty much from the jump. I have a wonderful support system at this point in my life, but if I talk to them about the fact that no matter what I do I still want off the ride, they look at me with pity and I don't need that. I just need acceptance.

Sorry if that was too whiny, it felt really good to get out though lol

 

[bijou]

never introduced myself,
im 21, been on sites like MPA in the past so i know how these spaces work. i'm just generally very unwell and need a place where i don't get made to feel like the worst when i express my feelings. i'm an artist, i like animals (particularly cats) and arachnids (g. pulchra tarantulas are my favourite). i listen to all music but have a penchant for goth music, and anything with a fiddle. i don't really have any friends except for my boyfriend, so i'm quite lonely atm

 

[Gloom]

Did anti-depressants helped?

no