it becomes more realistic - ctb with sn

[naookoo128]

hey SaSu community, i am kinda new to this place and wanted to share my plan to ctb and other thoughts on death and so on, youre very welcome to share your opinions with me.
i am thinking a lot about death and suicide since i was 10 years old, now im 30, living in germany (english is not my main language but ill still try to do it without translating), and after my second big breakup a year ago and isolating myself and being extremely destructive and griefing most of my lifetime my ideas of ctb are getting more and more real. so i found SaSu and the PPEH and read a lot.
since N seems to be no option, it looks like SN is the best method for me, just as peacefull and reliable as it can get, please. i am pretty sure that my SI would hold me back from doing things like jumping or shooting myself. maybe even from drinking the SN, we will see. i never had much willpower and discipline, which had lead me into a miserable life, and maybe im not even strong enough to end it the "easy" way.
anyways, right now im trying to get everything i need for a good SN protocol.
i dont know much about medicine, which makes this procedure pretty stressfull for me.
yesterday i ordered the SN. after a short frustration, only finding websites that would sell the product to a company, like many other people here already said, i found a site where i bought 1kg Natriumnitrit NaNO2 with >99% purity for about 7,50€ plus shipment. thoughts? i mean is that to good to be true? the website looks very legit to me, it also sells supplements and spices and so on. is it possible to post a picture? of the product, without showing the website, of course.
next thing, benzodiazepines and metoclopramid. first i will try to get it from my doctor where i usually go. i think im a good liar but we also like each other and he knows much about my depression and so on, so i dont know if it will be so easy. the metoclopramid is probably easier to get, and since im living in berlin, im sure i could get the benzo´s from the street if a doctor wont give it. i will also get some painkillers, but im not sure they will be part of the protocol, which is very basic so far:

8-12 hours before SN: fasting, 2 hours without water
1 hour before SN: maybe painkiller
40 minutes before SN: 30mg metoclopramid
prepare 3 glasses of 25gm SN in 50-100ml water (bodyweight about 70kg), 2 extra in case of vomiting
crush and mix 20x30mg Benzo with minimal but enough water
drink both

i havent thought about the exact time and date i want to die yet. i am living alone and will do it at home i think. the chance that someone will interrupt me is nearly 0. i will need to write some timed message for the ambulance to pick me up, i dont want someone to find my body without knowing what happened.

so, now i have some thoughts, maybe you have ideas on changing my protocol, based on these.
- even though i used to drink a very salty drink every morning for a long time, which was very okay for me, i still think i have a very weak stomach in general. so would it make sense to take more anti-emetics and also earlier?
(for that reason i also wont drink alcohol, but im thinking about a little ketamine or weed.)
- im still very nervous about the whole thing, especially about my last minutes, the ones between drinking SN and passing out. if i will really make it, holding it in, and so on. i will definitly cry a lot and my heart will race heavily. i think i would like to pass out as fast as possible, as the voices in my head will probably terrorize me a lot. but i guess the amount of Benzo will do that, right? i´ve never taken these in my life, so i guess i have no tolerance for it.

for now, most of the time im still fighting in my head, but over last year the pro-choice voice got more dominant than the pro-life one. i always used to be a very optimistic person i think, also insanely destructive at times, but deep inside there was always a lot of hope, besides all the suffering and griefing. which hurts most, besides giving it up of course, is that im leaving many people behind that love me a lot, which is a huge privilige of course, i know that. many of them know how much my depression affected my life, but i think everyone will be very shocked to find out i ended it. im thinking a lot about writing goodbye letters, best would be to write a letter to everyone, but thats insanely stressfull, and im a big perfectionist, so these last words will be very hard to find.

i think thats it for now, sorry about the grammar,
wishing u the best

 

[unluckysadness]

Hi,
your life seems very similar to mine. Isolated, mentally and physically ill, no hope anymore, miserable life, thinking about ctb since i was 10 because violence in my childhood.
I'm not decided if i'll choose SN, jumping or train (too much violent) and i'm a kind person i think, so worst option so "emergency option" only if i loose my mind.
I have benzos and sleeping pills,. It seems to be not lethal, even with huge amout of pills. shame we cannot get N which seems very peaceful. we deserve a peaceful ending if we had a painful life
good luck to you, whatever you decide

 

[naookoo128]

hi, i am sorry to hear that, and thanks for you reply. from what ive read these days, SN sounds peacefull enough to me. yes, a bunch of pills is definitly not a reliable method i think. i feel like it definitly has to work on my first attempt. should test the SN when it arrives. im still confused since it sounded way more difficult to get it.

Hi,
your life seems very similar to mine. Isolated, mentally and physically ill, no hope anymore, miserable life, thinking about ctb since i was 10 because violence in my childhood.
I'm not decided if i'll choose SN, jumping or train (too much violent) and i'm a kind person i think, so worst option so "emergency option" only if i loose my mind.
I have benzos and sleeping pills,. It seems to be not lethal, even with huge amout of pills. shame we cannot get N which seems very peaceful. we deserve a peaceful ending if we had a painful life
good luck to you, whatever you decide

 

[naookoo128]

hey there, small update incoming

today the seller told me that the SN is on the way, i was a bit worried i got scammed but it looks good.
i also just ordered a scale (0,01g) and nitrite teststrips.
getting benzo´s and the right anti-emetics still gives me a headache, ill have to call my doctor and give it a try i guess. i should make up a good story and find out more about these meds (as i said, im a meganoob when it comes to pharmaceuticals). i think the chances of him giving me both is nearly 0.
from time to time i write some sentences that could make it into a goodbye letter, but right now im really out of touch with my feelings and with time and so on (i thought its way longer ago i ordered the sn lol), so its not easy to find words.

 

[kitsnkats]

I'm in a similar situation. Seriously been contemplating SN as well. Seems you've done more research than I. I was wondering how easy it is for successful outcome with SN. Are there any painful or violent reactions that can happen or is it quick and easy?

 

[naookoo128]

I'm in a similar situation. Seriously been contemplating SN as well. Seems you've done more research than I. I was wondering how easy it is for successful outcome with SN. Are there any painful or violent reactions that can happen or is it quick and easy?

I try to give you an answer but obviously check out the PPeH and the Sasu Guides for better Information! Only 2 or 3 weeks ago I never read into any suicide method, I am kinda rushing it atm. SN was the first one, since it seems to be very popular on this forum, and its listed in the PPeH. I did not really read into the whole Inert Gas/Exit Bag method. Maybe thats stupid, Idk, but now I started the whole process with SN and I nearly have everything I need for it.
In this forum you hear many different things on how peacefull it is, obviously. There are videos going around of people doing it. I was super scared of watching these (I cannot watch any brutal stuff when its real) but I did, and I think it was okay, but others said they found it terrible and are trying to find a different method now.
PPeH says 6/10 for peacefulness (I wish it would be higher) and 8/10 for reliability (thats nice).
There are definitly painful and violent reactions, vomiting for example is a big thing here. Thats why you need so much Anti-Emetics. I mean there is worse stuff than throwing up, but I feel like we should not expect it to be "quick and easy". Maybe the attempt fails if you cant hold the SN inside and you may suffer a lot going through that, and I bet it can hurt a lot. I cant say much about it and dont want to be the person that gives advice especially about what can go wrong.
Best case scenario: Getting the SN down without throwing up a lot, and passing out fast, like 10-15 minutes after drinking SN. Done.
But again, in the end thats all very personal. For somebody else jumping of a height may be way more easier and quicker, right? And its painless as well, 0 costs.
For me, the psychological pain will be immense, no matter the method, thats my biggest fear, that it will hold me back from doing it. And for some reason I think drinking poison could be the easiest for me, we will see.

 

[kitsnkats]

I try to give you an answer but obviously check out the PPeH and the Sasu Guides for better Information! Only 2 or 3 weeks ago I never read into any suicide method, I am kinda rushing it atm. SN was the first one, since it seems to very popular on this forum, and its listed in the PPeH. I did not really read into the whole Inert Gas/Exit Bag method. Maybe thats stupid, Idk, but now I started the whole process with SN and I nearly have everything I need for it.
In this forum you hear many different things on how peacefull it is, obviously. There are videos going around of people doing it. I was super scared of watching these (I cannot watch any brutal stuff when its real) but I did, and I think it was okay, but others said they found it terrible and are trying to find a different method now.
PPeH says 6/10 for peacefulness (I wish it would be higher) and 8/10 for reliability (thats nice).
There are definitly painful and violent reactions, vomiting for example is a big thing here. Thats why you need so much Anti-Emetics. I mean there is worse stuff than throwing up, but I feel like we should not expect it to be "quick and easy". Maybe the attempt fails if you cant hold the SN inside and you may suffer a lot going through that, and I bet it can hurt a lot. I cant say much about it and dont want to be the person that gives advice especially about what can go wrong.
Best case scenario: Getting the SN down without throwing up a lot, and passing out fast, like 10-15 minutes after drinking SN. Done.
But again, in the end thats all very personal. For somebody else jumping of a height is way more easier and quicker, right? And its painless as well, 0 costs.
But for me, the psychological pain will be immense, no matter the method, thats my biggest fear, that it will hold me back from doing it. And for some reason I think drinking poison could be the easiest for me, we will see.

Thank you for replying. Yes I've been reading more on it today. Would definitely be better to be knocked out almost immediately after taking SN solution. But that doesn't seem feasible. Someone mentioned morphine on one of the threads...would be nice if one could have a complicit friend to inject one with it right after taking the SN drink. Another thought I've had is what about taking an od of H? I've never done hard drugs like that but you hear of people dieing every day from od'sing on H. I mean, how does that happen? They seem to just pass out and never wake up. Or am I naive?

 

[naookoo128]

You´re welcome, I had similar thoughts tonight.
Well, if it takes 10-15 minutes, like the PPeH says it should, I´d be very happy with that. I have zero experience on benzodiazepanes, never took it. Means I dont know how it feels but also that I have no big tolerance for it.
Same with hard drugs. Thought about them because I am ordering my benzo´s in the dark web (I´ve never been there before) and there they serve everything. I think Opioids can be a super peacefull method, makes sense, I dont know about reliability. I kinda commited into SN now, thats why I wont read very deep into Opioids. But also because I dont have the patience now to learn that stuff, like doing it intravenously myself and so on. Still, it is very tempting, ending it in a way where you feel good just passing away happily. On the other hand, its probably a higher chance of ending up as a vegetable, right? I definitly dont want that.
I dont have a complicit, and even though it would make many things easier, I think I could not have that.

 

[SewingDust]

I have zero experience on benzodiazepanes, never took it. Means I dont know how it feels but also that I have no big tolerance for it.

It depends on how fast-acting the benzos are (for example, alprazolam vs diazepam). You'll feel very sleepy, very calm, without even a hint of anxiety, and maybe slightly euphoric. With a high dose, the sleepiness might take over, so don't take too much. Psychonaut Wiki is a good source for dosage.

 

[naookoo128]

It depends on how fast-acting the benzos are (for example, alprazolam vs diazepam). You'll feel very sleepy, very calm, without even a hint of anxiety, and maybe slightly euphoric. With a high dose, the sleepiness might take over, so don't take too much. Psychonaut Wiki is a good source for dosage.

Thanks! Yes I´ve read a bit about the different Benzo´s. PPeH names Diazepam and Oxazepam. I was confused, because Internet says Diazepam is fast and long acting ( I chose that ofc), while Oxazepam is slow and short acting (bad, no?). I guess when it comes to such amount of pills, it doesnt matter too much? Will check out the Wiki! That sounds really good, because the anxiety is my biggest problem, I feel like having a panic attack would end in a failed attempt.

 

[madwoman]

I feel your pain. When I found this forum I learned about SN and that become my method of choice being one of the more peaceful ones. I did think about others like helium gas but I'm not smart enough to get all the proper stuff for it and the whole bag over my head freaked me out and then I'm like someone has to then get rid of the tank - idk just didn't seem as feasible for me even though it seems it's peaceful. I also got SN thinking it was too easy - it's getting harder to come across and buy as an individual as people are discovering that it's used for suicide. It also causes people to overthink and since it's a huge deal, you want to make sure it's legit and pure enough. I haven't tested mine because I'm scared to open it. I've been both doing all my final prep to go but also trying to enjoy my current life as much as I can do my final things etc while also holding on to a small amount of hope that things may get better where I don't want to die anymore. I do feel it's a personal choice and people have to do what's right for them, but I also think it's important that you are fully ready to go and hopefully at peace with that decision. I mean, I want to feel fully ready and at peace at least. Like I have all I need, I did as much prep as possible, I did what I wanted, and feel like it's my time. I have also had suicidal thoughts as a kid, in my mid thirties now. So I don't think they will go away, but besides an attempt at 16 and more times of thoughts, this year my depression is the worst it's been and I'm further in my prep for taking my life. Just trying to find the right timing! I'm sorry for what you are going through. It took me a bit but I wrote the majority of letters this past weekend but I still want to revise and might write more personal notes. It's a hard thing to do. Being in this mindset and end of life planning mode is hard. Oh and I will also be super anxious too. I wish you peace whatever that looks like.

 

[naookoo128]

I feel your pain. When I found this forum I learned about SN and that become my method of choice being one of the more peaceful ones. I did think about others like helium gas but I'm not smart enough to get all the proper stuff for it and the whole bag over my head freaked me out and then I'm like someone has to then get rid of the tank - idk just didn't seem as feasible for me even though it seems it's peaceful. I also got SN thinking it was too easy - it's getting harder to come across and buy as an individual as people are discovering that it's used for suicide. It also causes people to overthink and since it's a huge deal, you want to make sure it's legit and pure enough. I haven't tested mine because I'm scared to open it. I've been both doing all my final prep to go but also trying to enjoy my current life as much as I can do my final things etc while also holding on to a small amount of hope that things may get better where I don't want to die anymore. I do feel it's a personal choice and people have to do what's right for them, but I also think it's important that you are fully ready to go and hopefully at peace with that decision. I mean, I want to feel fully ready and at peace at least. Like I have all I need, I did as much prep as possible, I did what I wanted, and feel like it's my time. I have also had suicidal thoughts as a kid, in my mid thirties now. So I don't think they will go away, but besides an attempt at 16 and more times of thoughts, this year my depression is the worst it's been and I'm further in my prep for taking my life. Just trying to find the right timing! I'm sorry for what you are going through. It took me a bit but I wrote the majority of letters this past weekend but I still want to revise and might write more personal notes. It's a hard thing to do. Being in this mindset and end of life planning mode is hard. Oh and I will also be super anxious too. I wish you peace whatever that looks like.

Thanks for your message, it touches me more than you might think, in many ways. Today is an extremely emotional day for me, I havent cried a lot over the last weeks, I am really pushing all kinds of feelings as far away as I can, but today I just cant hold it. Normal mode again. Even I dont want to fully admit that, I am still in a "I dont want to live and I dont want to die" stage. The idea of giving up still terrifies me. I think I could never suicide in peace, not so young and healthy, not with so much family and friends around me. Not when I know how many it will hurt and how many wont understand. There will always be a good amount of hope in me, I just wont loose that. Theoretically there is a good life to find, with many reasons to live for. But the only thing that terrifies me even more than giving up is keep living like that, even with the good parts inbetween. I feel like a shadow of someone I could be.
Right now I am actively making my situation worse and worse, with just isolating myself completely and doing nothing. I´m pushing myself there. I know, that should not be the way. Damn... my head is smoking. Never in my life that fight with myself was so brutal and felt so disturbing and grueling.
Oh and the letters... yes, its insanely hard to do. It can never be good enough.
I also wish you peace!

 

[madwoman]

Thanks for your message, it touches me more than you might think, in many ways. Today is an extremely emotional day for me, I havent cried a lot over the last weeks, I am really pushing all kinds of feelings as far away as I can, but today I just cant hold it. Normal mode again. Even I dont want to fully admit that, I am still in a "I dont want to live and I dont want to die" stage. The idea of giving up still terrifies me. I think I could never suicide in peace, not so young and healthy, not with so much family and friends around me. Not when I know how many it will hurt and how many wont understand. There will always be a good amount of hope in me, I just wont loose that. Theoretically there is a good life to find, with many reasons to live for. But the only thing that terrifies me even more than giving up is keep living like that, even with the good parts inbetween. I feel like a shadow of someone I could be.
Right now I am actively making my situation worse and worse, with just isolating myself completely and doing nothing. I´m pushing myself there. I know, that should not be the way. Damn... my head is smoking. Never in my life that fight with myself was so brutal and felt so disturbing and grueling.
Oh and the letters... yes, its insanely hard to do. It can never be good enough.
I also wish you peace!

It's hard when you have people you love around you and you want to be mentally okay and happy like they want you to be so when you are suffering inside it makes it hurt worse. I luckily do have a lot of loved ones too and it'll be sad to leave them. You do gotta feel your feelings - crying is a relief and venting is a good thing. I like that you have some hope in you, depression makes you feel like things won't get better and it can. You can only mentally handle so much. I'm also isolating myself so I know what that's like. Are you in therapy or have anyone to talk to your feelings about and try to feel better? Or sometimes even when I go to like a grocery store or go walk outside or some other basic thing it makes me feel more normal - but when I'm alone in my thoughts is when it's the worst. Maybe you can take some baby steps towards feeling better. For me, having the SN and preparing does put my depressed suicidal mind at ease but I'm not trying to rush things - I heard someone say a defense on suicidal thoughts is procrastination. Idk, I'm a suicidal person who doesn't want anyone to feel this way and realize there is hope. I think for some people when things get really hard or they are depressed, suicide comes to mind easily and just wanting to give up and some people may not think about it at all or it be a fleeting thought. Some have to fight the thoughts and it's a hard battle.

 

[naookoo128]

It's hard when you have people you love around you and you want to be mentally okay and happy like they want you to be so when you are suffering inside it makes it hurt worse. I luckily do have a lot of loved ones too and it'll be sad to leave them. You do gotta feel your feelings - crying is a relief and venting is a good thing. I like that you have some hope in you, depression makes you feel like things won't get better and it can. You can only mentally handle so much. I'm also isolating myself so I know what that's like. Are you in therapy or have anyone to talk to your feelings about and try to feel better? Or sometimes even when I go to like a grocery store or go walk outside or some other basic thing it makes me feel more normal - but when I'm alone in my thoughts is when it's the worst. Maybe you can take some baby steps towards feeling better. For me, having the SN and preparing does put my depressed suicidal mind at ease but I'm not trying to rush things - I heard someone say a defense on suicidal thoughts is procrastination. Idk, I'm a suicidal person who doesn't want anyone to feel this way and realize there is hope. I think for some people when things get really hard or they are depressed, suicide comes to mind easily and just wanting to give up and some people may not think about it at all or it be a fleeting thought. Some have to fight the thoughts and it's a hard battle.

I would like to get rid of that hope tbh, somehow it does not move me towards my dreams, it just makes me not giving up entirely, keeps me in that place that I hate so much. If these self-destructive phases keep coming again and again, while time passes and I´m not moving forward, then I will definitly go insane someday, and lonely. That happened to my older brother, and I dont want that ever happen to me.
I have a therapist and people I could talk to, many are trying to reach out to me, but yea, I´m hiding right now.
Yes, the suicide thoughts... it started very early, I honestly think since then I spent more time thinking about killing myself than doing something to fulfill myself, what a shitshow, lol. I always said to myself its even more pathetic cause I wont do it anyways. But these days... Idk, right now the "cmon, just fucking end it"-voice is definitly dominating that battle.

 

[madwoman]

I would like to get rid of that hope tbh, somehow it does not move me towards my dreams, it just makes me not giving up entirely, keeps me in that place that I hate so much. If these self-destructive phases keep coming again and again, while time passes and I´m not moving forward, then I will definitly go insane someday, and lonely. That happened to my older brother, and I dont want that ever happen to me.
I have a therapist and people I could talk to, many are trying to reach out to me, but yea, I´m hiding right now.
Yes, the suicide thoughts... it started very early, I honestly think since then I spent more time thinking about killing myself than doing something to fulfill myself, what a shitshow, lol. I always said to myself its even more pathetic cause I wont do it anyways. But these days... Idk, right now the "cmon, just fucking end it"-voice is definitly dominating that battle.

I've been in depression my whole life varying degrees but always this lost lonely sad feeling with varying degrees of suicidal thoughts and it sucks to live like that and I also hate myself so it's a miserable way to live and I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I can distract myself (especially with fictional things like books and movies) but when I'm alone and reality hits - it sucks. And it's tiring to keep going esp when you add in adult things you have to keep doing. But earlier I just cursed the fact that fall is coming bc it's my favorite season or good books coming out and I'm mad at it. Because I also don't want to keep being sad and lonely and miserable and not doing much with my life. And I don't have the energy to figure out any dreams or to do amazing things. While you are keeping to yourself, do you have anything to distract you? (Like books and movies and I guess my phone for me) also I have an aunt that is diagnosed with bipolar and she is totally not with reality (so I think it could be more + drugs) and I was also diagnosed with bipolar so it's scary that I could end up like her or worse so that also makes me want to go - it's terrifying for sure.

 

[naookoo128]

About the procrastination, yes, definitely. I could be faster, I mean I could have already done it, with a different method. I know what you mean, organizing it helps for the moment, will see how far it takes me. I never had the strength and the willpower to make my dreams come true, which makes me so fucking sad, cause I can see them crystal clear in my head, I know exactly what I wanted from life. I found the love of my life when I was 18, and she stayed with me, for 10 years. She loved me very much, we were the complete soulmates, but my depression and my inner demons slowly killed our relationship. I cant put in words how much I am ashamed of that, how much it hurts. And it happened again, but much faster this time, I fell in love again, but still full of open wounds and grief from last time. This time we had a lot of terrible disputes and I start to hurt myself, one time I banged my head against a door or scratched my face when she was around, it is disgusting. I cannot believe that all that is real. I hope so so much that they will get over it and find love again, with a person they can live their life with.

I haven't tested mine because I'm scared to open it.

Why is that? I mean opening, taking out a little for testing, closing again, is that already dangerous, looses its effectiveness so fast? I have to read into it... Maybe I´ll manage to test it tonight.

While you are keeping to yourself, do you have anything to distract you? (Like books and movies and I guess my phone for me)

I used to read a lot (favorite book of all time, if I would have to pick one, is probably "The Dispossessed", by Ursula Le Guin), watched many movies for sure, many people liked my taste and asked for recommendations, I always loved that hehe. But i kinda dropped it all over the last years, now I´m just rotting on front of my laptop watching Youtube, playing games sometimes, I was the very last in my family/friendgroups that started having a smartphone, but now I am also addicted as fuck like everyone else. I hate it.
I had a lot of passion for creative stuff, when I was a child it was drawing, as a teenager it was rapping haha, and as an adult I started to produce music. Some people even thought I will be a big comedian someday, funny, huh? But sooner or later I always lost it somehow, my perfectionism played a cruel part in that. Smoking too much weed as well, that fucked me up big time. Its driving me crazy, cause I am kinda addicted to be seen (childhood trauma classic I guess) and I know that I am good at it, I always got tons of commendation for my stuff, thats why it hurts even more to lose it.

also I have an aunt that is diagnosed with bipolar and she is totally not with reality (so I think it could be more + drugs) and I was also diagnosed with bipolar so it's scary that I could end up like her or worse so that also makes me want to go - it's terrifying for sure.

I am so sorry to hear that... I dont know much about it, but I was in a clinic like a year and a half ago, they also thought im bipolar, but dropped that later.
(It was only 4 weeks, not very long, because at the time I was doing pretty good, and I wanted to manifest that there. But they said they could not justify to keep me longer, every other patient was protesting. Its a shame, cause after I got out, my second relationship started to die.)

 

[naookoo128]

I just tested my SN and want to link that here, so its easier to follow that, if you want to.

my SN testing session

Hello there, tonight I am testing my SN. It arrived yesterday, as well as a scale and the test stripes. Today I bought distilled water and pipettes, so I have everything I need: 1) Now I am following this guide...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[LostMary]

hey there, small update incoming

today the seller told me that the SN is on the way, i was a bit worried i got scammed but it looks good.
i also just ordered a scale (0,01g) and nitrite teststrips.
getting benzo´s and the right anti-emetics still gives me a headache, ill have to call my doctor and give it a try i guess. i should make up a good story and find out more about these meds (as i said, im a meganoob when it comes to pharmaceuticals). i think the chances of him giving me both is nearly 0.
from time to time i write some sentences that could make it into a goodbye letter, but right now im really out of touch with my feelings and with time and so on (i thought its way longer ago i ordered the sn lol), so its not easy to find words.

It does get real.
It feels numb and daunting at the same time

 

[naookoo128]

More thoughts and things that I added to my To-Buy/To-Do-List

- Ibuprofen, Propanolol (BB) and Pantoprazol (PPI).

I dont know yet if I will use them, but since they are not hard to get, I will buy them just in case I change my mind.
​

- Something to make the taste of SN easier. Could be a Spray to numb the mouth (Xylocain) before I drink SN or maybe a spray to get a different taste afterwards.

- Clean my appartment as good as I can and throw everything away that will rot, except myself.

- In case I will only need one cup of SN, I should mark the others as toxic.

- Plastic tarp and diapers, to keep things as clean as possible. It will look bad anyways, I know.

I think I will lay on my floor, making it comfortable with blankets under the plastic tarp. Cover me with another plastic tarp and a weighted blanket, which can feel very calming. I did not read something about whats the best position for your body. If you know something, let me know please.
​

- Besides goodbye-letters, I need to write a note, about what should happen to my body and so on.

I don´t care too much about that but I want to make it as easy as it can get for my family. I prefer being cremated instead of buried, and its much cheaper anyways.
I don´t care where the ashes remain, if its in the ground, on a shelf, or in the sea. Do you think its stupid to write something like: "You can decide where it remains..." and so on? Like, do you think that makes it harder for the other person? Should I just make a decision so they dont have to?
edit: When it comes to a ceremony, I dont have any wishes except a few songs. And even if there would be more, I´m not feeling comfortable with things like that, after killing myself.
edit: Although thats very unlikely to happen, I will also mention that if I´ll fall into a coma I dont want to be kept alive.
​

- Make another note, in case there are things of mine that I want some specific person to keep, like photos, letters, books, clothes.

But atm there is nothing that comes to mind. I will just sort my stuff and put the very personal things into a extra box. And I know that all my notes wont be legally binding, btw. I will have these, besides my ID and goodbye-letters, in a plastic bag on my body. It won´t be necessary for someone to identify me.
​

Your thoughts are welcome.

 

[madwoman]

Thanks for sharing all of that, sorry I haven't had the mental energy for a proper response. Hope you are doing okay today
T

I just tested my SN and want to link that here, so its easier to follow that, if you want to.

my SN testing session

Hello there, tonight I am testing my SN. It arrived yesterday, as well as a scale and the test stripes. Today I bought distilled water and pipettes, so I have everything I need: 1) Now I am following this guide...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Thanks for sharing that. I was scared to open mine to be over cautious if air getting to it affects it and also bc I'm not ready to face the reality that it's my ctb method and I don't have testing stripes yet.

More thoughts and things that I added to my To-Buy/To-Do-List

- Ibuprofen, Propanolol (BB) and Pantoprazol (PPI).

I dont know yet if I will use them, but since they are not hard to get, I will buy them just in case I change my mind.
​

- Something to make the taste of SN easier. Could be a Spray to numb the mouth (Xylocain) before I drink SN or maybe a spray to get a different taste afterwards.

- Clean my appartment as good as I can and throw everything away that will rot, except myself.

- In case I will only need one cup of SN, I should mark the others as toxic.

- Plastic tarp and diapers, to keep things as clean as possible. It will look bad anyways, I know.

I think I will lay on my floor, making it comfortable with blankets under the plastic tarp. Cover me with another plastic tarp and a weighted blanket, which can feel very calming. I did not read something about whats the best position for your body. If you know something, let me know please.
​

- Besides goodbye-letters, I need to write a note, about what should happen to my body and so on.

I don´t care too much about that but I want to make it as easy as it can get for my family. I prefer being cremated instead of buried, and its much cheaper anyways.
I don´t care where the ashes remain, if its in the ground, on a shelf, or in the sea. Do you think its stupid to write something like: "You can decide where it remains..." and so on? Like, do you think that makes it harder for the other person? Should I just make a decision so they dont have to?
edit: When it comes to a ceremony, I dont have any wishes except a few songs. And even if there would be more, I´m not feeling comfortable with things like that, after killing myself.
edit: Although thats very unlikely to happen, I will also mention that if I´ll fall into a coma I dont want to be kept alive.
​

- Make another note, in case there are things of mine that I want some specific person to keep, like photos, letters, books, clothes.

But atm there is nothing that comes to mind. I will just sort my stuff and put the very personal things into a extra box. And I know that all my notes wont be legally binding, btw. I will have these, besides my ID and goodbye-letters, in a plastic bag on my body. It won´t be necessary for someone to identify me.
​

Your thoughts are welcome.

Also been figuring out my final to do list & we have a lot of similar thoughts. I've been getting rid of my stuff to try and get it to the bare minimum (down to the things I'd need or want most if I fail or change my mind), in my final week I plan to put things that can't be donated and have to be thrown out in bags labeled trash (like underway, old hygiene products, etc).

I also will probably order adult diapers bc it seems like it'll make a clean up easier and I feel like my mattress isn't sellable anyway so I wanted to be comfortable and be on my bed but may get protective coverings but may also be okay with people throwing out what wouldn't be salvageable anyway. I feel like being on your side bc of possible throwing up might be best bc you may not wanna choke on vomit.

I am writing a "Will" I realllllly don't feel like doing an official one it's such a big to do so I'm procrastinating but I'm also writing a how I want to be cremated and don't care what happens to my body but it's hard bc I do agree with making the decision bc it's so hard to make that for others like my mom died over 20 years ago and I still have asked bc I have no idea what to do with them. & other final wishes. And also writing if I'm brain dead or plugged medically to please let me die - but darn I feel like this needs to be a legal document but again such a big to do

Anyway, we all gotta do what we have the energy for and what feels best and gives us peace of mind. I'm trying to tie up as much affairs as I can.

 

[naookoo128]

Oh, dont worry! I dont expect anything, just happy to get it off my chest, so thanks for reading it. I´m okay, it´s all very foggy.

Thanks for sharing that.

You´re welcome, it is my favorite procrastination right now

 

[madwoman]

Oh, dont worry! I dont expect anything, just happy to get it off my chest, so thanks for reading it. I´m okay, it´s all very foggy.

You´re welcome, it is my favorite procrastination right now

It is nice venting and having someone listen depression especially at its darkest is really hard so hope you are being gentle with yourself.

 

[naookoo128]

Ok, next thing: Testing how (fast) Benzo´s affect me to determine a protocol that suits me.
Although I´m experienced with a few drugs, I´ve never taken any Benzodiazephines or other hard prescription-drugs.
I ordered 50x10mg Valium (Diazepam) for me (181cm, 70kg).

To start it all with a little confusion: The PPeH recommends taking 600mg Oxazepam OR 500mg Diazepam.
However, accoarding to many sources, 10mg Oxazepam corresponds to approximatlely 5mg Diazepam.
(There is a great thread about comparing different Benzodiazephines and Z-Drugs):

Benzos & Z-Drugs, Uses in SN Protocol (Guide)

Hey everyone! As a little follow up/piggyback of the amazing @opheliaoveragain's post on checking benzo onsets, here is a general guide about benzo & z-drugs. I'm highlighting a selection of popular benzodiazepines and Z-drugs, but there are plenty more out there. This information is meant for...

sanctioned-suicide.net

So, listening to many people on this forum saying the dosage of Benzo´s that the PPeH recommends is extremely high, I´ll go for the 300mg Diazepam as a final dosage.
I expect my body to react very fast to the medication, since I have no tolerance, I am not eating much lately, I´m having a weak heart (hopeless romantic, but low heart-rate is what I mean) and my circulation is generally not in good shape.
For the testing I first plan to separately take 5, 10 and 20mg. I´ll update soon. I´m especially curious about how it would effect panic and fear, but I obviously wont be able to simulate the panic of a real attempt. But at least I´ll have a feeling how fast I´m passing out.

If there is something you´d like to mention, please go ahead, especially if you´re experienced with Benzo´s.

Oh and since I´m a very addictive person I made myself a note, saying that I´ll only take these drugs for this reason. Only once for testing and only for attempting.
(I mean yeah, this is about ending myself, so it may sound a bit weird, but who knows what happens. If it doesn´t work out and I fail, I dont want to be even more miserable by adding more addictions to my life.)