Introduce yourself

[kyrie]

hi, i'm kyrie. i'm thirty years old and live alone in rural west wales, uk.

i have extreme anxiety and haven't left the house in years. the only people i have spoken to in years (either online or offline) are my mother and a few mental health professionals through video call, so i'm sorry if my posts are garbled or difficult to read. i haven't had a friend in more than a decade.

i'm gay but the only time i've ever had sex is when i was raped at university, which caused me to drop out.

i have no skills whatsoever and have never had a job.

i have never met a single person uglier than myself in real life. my face and body are covered in literally hundreds of protruding moles and skintags. people usually react to me with either extreme disgust or pity.

i'm fairly certain i will kill myself soon, but i'm trying a few things before then to make sure that when i do decide to go i know for certain that my situation was truly hopeless and i had no other choice.

 

[Ultracheese]

I'm 18, M, and have been lurking here for a while. I have a date but no method yet. I've struggled with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies my whole life. I have a chronic illness that drains me from all the energy I used to have. I'm madly in love with a guy who doesn't feel the same way. My best (and only) friend CTB last year, so I'm gonna go with him, as cheesy as that sounds. I've been abused but I'm not too comfortable getting into the details.

Erm, hobbies: Pretty much just writing. I write songs, stories, poems, all sorts of stuff. I'm an obsessive researcher with my specialty being various dead writers. I'm kind of boring and pathetic like that. Thanks for having me here.

 

[mdmd500]

New here and first post. 37M, late diagnosed autistic. It took a long time for me to realise why everything was so much more difficult, took so much more effort for me, and it turns out one of the main features of my autism is overstimulation and hypersensitivity. It's a cliche but true that I'm existing in a world that wasn't built for my brain.

Anyway, hello to you all, it's nice to meet you.

 

[minato]

I am new here. I'm 23ftm and I am diagnosed with PTSD, DID and schizoaffective disorder. I've dealt with extreme isolation and abuse my whole life. I hope to reach out to some people but maybe we can all get out of this alive.

 

[murphyy]

Hi! I'm Murphy, 22 F. Been lurking here since early 2021 I think. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. I'm pretty sure I've got social anxiety to top it all off. And I'm lesbian, so there's that. I might sound cringe but I keep feeling like I don't really fit in with the rest of the world. I'm a loner, haven't had a legit friend in eight years. Anyways, I guess I'm a nerd; I love video games, films, series, stuff like that. It's been hard, cause I don't really enjoy my hobbies anymore. Had one CTB attempt. I'd say I'm a realist but I don't think things will take a turn and get better, because I'm unfortunately not scared of death.

 

[onestringviolin]

Hello, I'm 25, FTM, and suffer from severe and untreated OCD, ADHD, BPD, depression, and anxiety. Most of my time is spent on the computer talking to my friends or distracting myself with games or YouTube, and that's how it's been for most of my life. I'm also an artist and a writer, but my OCD has recently made it much harder for me to enjoy my own creations.

I'm new here, but I've known about this place for years. I've been lurking here daily recently because I'm finally starting to plan for my "future". Something inside of me shattered into pieces a few weeks ago and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. I'm pretty nervous about posting anything, but I hope to feel at home here soon.

Nice to meet you all.

 

[whiskylullaby]

I'm in my mid 30s, live in the PNW with my spouse and entirely too many animals. I struggle with severe anxiety and CPTSD from growing up in a cult + re-enacting trauma blah blah blah. I also have an autoimmune disorder. I'm not currently working due to more recent trauma with no plans to go back to work any time soon, so I mostly just...don't do anything. No real friends. I've had suicidal ideation since I was 10 years old and made a couple attempts but I'm not very good at it. Was thinking about getting SN but I can't time it right to get when my spouse is away on a work trip.

I've been lurking for a while but figured I should introduce myself, so...hi.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

Hello,

I'm a college student trying to find an accessible, clean and effective way to CTB. I've had trouble committing to anything because I'm terrified of failing and being institutionalized or something against my will or my friends and family finding out and treating me differently because of it. I found this website through all of the articles about SN, but unfortunately too late since I'm now having a hard time finding where to purchase it online.

Anyways, since I don't currently have a plan I'm doing my best not to let my life fall apart in the meanwhile, though I kind of already have.

Still working on getting the hang of the culture around here and learning all the acronyms, but I look forward to whatever time I get to have here until something works out.

 

[spixs_macaw]

Hi all,

I am in my mids 30 and female. I've been struggling with depression since I was 11 combined with an eating disorder. I am looking back on several attempts in the past (2005 and 2007) which obviously failed making life even more unbearable. I never stopped thinking about how much I would like to end my life; especially after the failed attempts I somewhat accepted that I probably have to go with it however always in the hope that something may happen that would make the choice for me.

I've been admitted to the forum a while ago, followed some discussions but was somewhat anxious to become an 'active' user. I always had difficulties to speak openly about (my) heavy topics as I wanted to protect my friends but also because psychologists would overreact and trying to hospitalise me. I am really happy to be part of this group now; so thank you for letting me in.

 

[MissingThyme]

Hi. Approaching midlife. Non-binary. I've been suicidal most of my life, briefly hospitalized when I was younger. For over a decade I had someone who needed me and now that isn't the case, I feel very unmoored. For most of my life it's been like trying to claw my way out of a grave just to want to *be*, like I'm already six feet under and having to fight to want to live. Depression, likely autism and/or ADHD. I'm very tired.

I like science fiction, astronomy, cosmology, TTRPGs (PbtA is my favorite), and cooking experiments.

 

[cenusareasa]

Hello all. 24m. UK. from Moldova.
I guess I am on this forum because of poverty. I am uneducated, untalented.
I am very bitter person. I am jealous of others success and happiness.
I almost never leave my house, don't have job and friends.

 

[MideonNViscera]

Hi everyone,

I'm just a guy whose time is long past.

I'm Canadian, if it matters.

 

[blur10600]

I'm here grasping at straws.
Had a life stolen by two conscienceless individuals I let carelessly into my life

 

[kafkasfemcel]

hi everyone, 20f. i had my life ruined when i was around 6, my abuser is perfectly happy yet i'm tormented everyday. i'm glad i can talk about ctb without any judgement here, very happy that this forum exists.

i'm not very good at explaining to my friends how i feel, so i'd love to make a friends here. my dms are open for anyone, especially if you're around my age

 

[cassandra333]

Hi. 50 yo female. New here but was on this site a long time ago. I feel very alone. I am tired of being drawn in and then abandoned. I must be trash. I have had therapy since I was 14 yo. The holiday time makes me feel even more abandoned. No family to be with. Friends doing their own thing. Been in bed in the dark of my apartment wishing the days would go by quicker. I think I have also just lost my closest friend. I am exhausted. I have liked to swim and read and walk in the past. And learn. I think my cats are the only reason I have stuck around this harsh painful world so long. I want to close my eyes and not wake up. And not burden anyone anymore. Tired.

I'm here grasping at straws.
Had a life stolen by two conscienceless individuals I let carelessly into my life

I am sorry you let thoae people into your life. People can be very cruel without realizing it (or with realizing it). They take no accountability and throw everything shit back on you. It is all your fault then, the pain. I have had these experiences. Letting people in can start well and get close only for them to throw me out like I am trash and have never been there with them to begin with. Sick of people's mean power plays. It is enough to crush the will and little heart I had left. I am so sorry for your shitty experiences.

 

[ohyouknow]

40f. Made a long-term plan a couple years ago based on info found at ss. Still have a year and a half left to go. Married with kids (who are almost all adults). Poet, teacher, side jobs. How much can one say and remain anonymous? It doesn't matter why I want to die. I'm just sad. If all of my reasons cleared up, I'd probably still be sad. Or, maybe not. If I could truly connect with one person, maybe then I'd be okay. But I have tried and tried and tried. So, I have no more hope.

 

[freeziepop98]

heya i freeziepop98. trying to reach post limit so i can get some sn before new year

 

[BabyBlueSedan]

Hello everyone. I'm a 20-year-old trans guy from Eastern Europe. I've been depressed since I was a kid, I also suffer from anxiety and ADHD. I feel like I'm just not cut out for this world, I don't see how I'm supposed to just do all this every day for the rest of my life. I have some dreams and goals but with my mental issues, I know I'll never be able to achieve them. I don't do anything, I just work, distract myself and sleep way too much. I don't have a specific date yet but it's going to be around a month from now, I think.

I like art, music, video games and some anime and manga. If I could do anything, I'd be an artist. I'd love to do anything related to creating and drawing, especially animation and comics. I have a million ideas of things I want to create, but I'm slowly accepting that they're gonna stay unexpressed.

 

[TraurigerClown]

Hello Guys, im new here!
Im from Germany, 34yo and i cant stand this shitty Life anymore.

I found this Forum like 2 Months ago while researching Sodium Nitrite and ways to get Nembutal.
My decision to join was made after some very short and cruelsome Nights while listening to Music

I´ve read some Posts and topics so far and it makes me comfortable to be in a place where i dont have to wear my Mask and tell anybody how great im feeling - not to Mention the heavy effort everyday to just go out of Bed and try Work and stuff.
Others writing what they like and so should i?
I like: Anime, Horses, my past as Firefighter, Gaming aund helping others

Anyway, im here to finally find a way to end my suffering after many failed attempts wich ive Paid a high Price for and looking for good Conversations.

Thanks for having me

 

[RW__Asher23]

Hello everyone! Well I wont tell my age but I know I am possibly the oldest one here now. One of the original members of the true News Group and later IRC channel known as A.S.H. In newsgroup it was Alt.Suicide.Holiday = ASH. The phrase ctb and even wctb and other things came from that place and time. We got closed down by media and politicians and public. Anyway I am a survivor of suicide. True they brought me back with shocks to the chest. That happened twice. I read a story where a guy said that if you survive your attempt you will never really want to do it again. That was the guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. Well I am here to tell you that is a lie. But I do not encourage anyone to do it. But if you do I hope you don't f**** it up. I needed a new home to come to to freely discuss feeling and thoughts and just chat about this and found this place. So that why I am here. Name Rick.
Peace.

 

[Endocardium]

Hi all. I know this site for a while now and I finally decided to create an account and now i'm trying to figure out how things work here. Sorry for a short post like this I don't know much what to write here. It's really hard...

 

[MidnightTrain]

Hi.
The NYT article brought me here 1 year ago. I lurked for awhile before eventually decing to open my account.
It's nice to meet you all.
Midnight.

 

[zrjrzj_no_hope]

Hi everyone! Like many others, I have been browsing through the forum for a while, and finally decided to make an account and participate. I grew up hating myself and never wanted to be alive. I'm thankful I have found this forum where I don't need to pretend to be a bubbly and happy person.

 

[EndlessPain93]

Hello

I'm 29 from Western Europe and I've been lurking for several year and am now actively trying to find an easily accessible,effective and simple way to CTB soon
I've been physically abused and neglected by relatives for my my life and developed a severe physical disability and several other health issues as a result,which have left my permanently dependent on and in the care of my abusive relatives.

I've tried for decades to ask for help and find a way out, but no one ever cared or listened and every attempt to escape has blown up in my face.

After more then 20 year I'm simply tired of going through hell and keeping on going while hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel that will never come

 

[lost&lonely]

Hello everyone, I have been browsing for a while now and decided to pluck up the courage to join and hopefully get some questions I have answered.
I'm in my mid 40's and was diagnosed with chronic clinical depression when I was 17. I was put on various medications, some of which I tried to overdose on a couple times - which obviously didn't work.
I now have been taking a ridiculous amount of different tablets for the last 20 or so years and I also had 24 sessions of ECT 14 years ago. My parents were my carers, as my depression got worse and I wasn't allowed access to my meds, which they set out for me daily, but I have lost both of them now and I see no reason to continue with my life. I made a promise to both my parents that I wouldn't attempt to take my life again while they were alive, but after I cared for both of them during their old age and ill health I feel as though any amount of purpose I had in my life has gone.

 

[Ifonlyitwassosimple]

Hi all! I'm Nicole. As a long time sufferer of social anxiety and agoraphobia, I feel I need an end to the suffering so that's what brings me here.

 

[nonutscera]

Hello. I'm Cera.
I pass the time with sleeping and bingewatching some bingeworthy shows. I just graduated and am completely overwhelmed with fear of the unknown. I joined just to get more info about SN and sort of become more involved with a community like this. Nice to meet you all!

 

[Dolphin55]

Hi, nice to meet you all! I'm 22 and suffering from social anxiety, depression, and also some more general sort of anxiety. I love animals (my dog keeps me going honestly) and I used to enjoy making art and being creative, currently my favourite thing is sleeping due to my dreams being way better than reality, though sleep doesn't always come easily unfortunately. I love the shows Arcane and Breaking bad and am a big fan of animation.

 

[LigottiSchopenhauer]

Hi everyone, I just want to say that I've browsed here off and on for a while and I think this is genuinely a great and interesting community. Though I'm not currently planning to kill myself soon, I do expect that I'll eventually die by suicide and I'd like to talk to other people who share my pessimism about human existence. My username is a tribute to two pessimist philosophers, Thomas Ligotti and Arthur Schopenhauer. My profile picture is the great Ian Curtis, lead singer of Joy Division, who hanged himself in 1980. I look forward to talking with all of you here!

 

[ctgirl93]

29f here…I posted here couple times about 3 years ago but then wandered around and alive for 3 more years…I think I'm at the point that I want to hang myself again…I have a rope and a place, just waiting for a good time.