Introduce yourself

[IntoTheLight]

Hi - I've had absolutely everything going for me last year in October, and then fucked everything up. Had the opportunity of a lifetime and declined it due to anxiety. Psychiatric medicine then destroyed me. I'm suffering from a whole range of health issues now and fucked up relationships, was suffering from akathisia, benzo withdrawal, my mental capacity is shot. I've withdrawn from everyone in my life and can't talk to anyone about what really happened. I went from being a happy and successful person to an absolute shell of my former self, and I don't see any way back. Whenever I wake up I have a short moment where I forget that this is my life now, and then reality sets in and I despair.

 

[brokenworld]

Hi arrived recently. life has dealt me a shitty hand. i'm a torture victim. don't have a family. i hope i can find and give support. I'm a male in young 20s. i like art, some music, design, graphic design. i'm chronically ill. open to meeting others

 

[pinkroses444]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hi, I'm new here, I'm 19 and struggling with heavy BPD tendencies not received evaluation yet but if anyone can relate and share I would appreciate that

 

[mindless]

Hi folks! I'm an early 30s guy from europe. Been reading on here for the last few days. Its special to see people openly discussing their feelings on these subjects. I say special because ofcourse it isn't great so many of us are feeling this way. Reading does make me feel less alone with these thoughts though.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for quite a few years now. Despite therapy I just keep finding life isn't for me.
I lost interest in the things I once cared about
, lost the person I think I once was. Like so many I feel like there just is no good reason to go through all this trouble called life, just feeling terrible all the time.

Maybe I can at least learn something here.

Anyways, thanks for being around! I wish you all the best.

 

[necrolatry]

Hey everyone. I've been lurking around for a while and decided to make an account yesterday.
I'm a 20 year old male from Central Europe, struggling with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. I've lost my love and only close person due to suicide a "long" time ago and things haven't been great since then. I've been in an abusive relationship afterwards which also left me quite wounded. Despite wanting to leave just a week in, I couldn't because of my attachment issues. Both things are leaning towards trauma. I try to find my way through life, even if it knocks me down day by day. I'm glad a place like this exists, as suicide is a forbidden topic for most. I'm not imminently suicidal but I also don't trust myself not to due to my impulsiveness.

A bit more about myself:
I'm an endlessly overworked software developer, a metal fan and an alcoholic.

If anybody wants to chat feel free to reach out to me. I have no limits to talk about.

Lots of love and I hope to talk to some of you soon!
~ necrolatry

 

[shebot]

So tired of being tired

 

[ctbtokentucky]

Heyo. I've lurked almost as long as SS has been around but I finally signed up. It's unlikely I'll ctb in the immediate future, but I need contingency plans. I already have SN but I want to keep up with method info, use the search function, and PM.

 

[Alayna]

Late to the party but I'm here to make a party before becoming late.

Context. SS got me through years of suicidal depression. I would log on here to read for hours about methods and risks and do all that inner calculus, and test methods and quietly soothe myself by listening to very depressed people saying very depressing things, bc, you know it was articulating all my rage and terror and agitation so well. I grew to love and depend upon this community, even though you had no idea who I was or that I existed. Here was a haven. It allowed me to entertain and play out fantasies, enact them carefully and without completing. The protection from complete isolation this forum afforded certainly prolonged my life, and while that's a mixed blessing, I look back with some gratitude and satisfaction that I've been able to come so far.

So thank you.

I'm very happy and grateful that I'm no longer as suicidal as I've been in the past. It's such a blessing to feel better than before. To have days of hope. There are still off times: I created this profile a couple of weeks ago when I was ideating again, but that spell was no longer a norm. Due credit: I've been helped tremendously by those around me even incl pharma (gasp) - even when I was behaving my worst and felt unlovable and unworthy and too broken to possibly fix.

But here's the thing. While finally having the capacity to step up and post here, part of me now feels like an imposter. There is still so much misery - stuff that I can relate to but no longer feel, and stuff that's simply beyond my comprehension. So I won't be posting on topics which are too heavy. I want to be a little light here for a bit, without intruding on those pains I cannot and should not presume to deny. I hope there's a place for that.

And when it comes, I pray my suicide will no longer driven by anguish, but by rationality. I'm so blessed to have that luxury now.

Love to all.

 

[Akakuro]

Hi, I guess I'll introduce myself somewhat.

The first time I tried to take my own life was around 12, it was a very silly method and didn't work out at all. Later I started cutting. Eventually tried to somewhat haphazardly cut my wrists but didn't really have the power to cut deep enough. Eventually I tried pills which landed me in the hospital and the psych ward. Had lots of therapy in my life. I'm definitely at a better place now, but my suicidality never went away. There is always this part of me that knows not living would be better than trying to improve, trying to get better, trying to live out my life.

I'm fairly new here, mostly read and still am getting my bearings.

<3

 

[Maudlin]

First time I tried to off myself I was 12. I went for a long drop into a stairwell, thinking a broke neck would be quicker/less painful than asphyxiation. I wanted to talk to God... face to face. The 2x4 I was tied to broke loose and I busted up my ankle pretty bad. That kept me from trying again, for a while. The next time I was also 12. A box of comtrex... I woke up anyway.

I "grew out of it" and didn't try again. I'm almost at the half century mark now, having picked up a few "self harm" habits along the way. Here I am, miserable... hoping by seeing the misery of others I can reflect and perhaps grow out of the spot I find myself in now... much the same as the spot I was in decades ago. Or, achieve what I failed at so spectacularly in my youth. Looking back, I realize I truly knew nothing of pain back then, physical or emotional.

Now I know both, intimately.

I am told I am toxic. Mostly, I agree- though I usually care little for the opinion of others.

 

[Rocinante]

I'm a 24 year old starting from 0. I have nothing to live for or anything to look forward too.

I guess I can continue looksmaxxing to become good looking, but outside of that I'm an absolute loser. I am a blemish on this earth.

 

[petteri]

In my 30s. I have a medical condition that is incurable, but won't kill you. It just sucks the life out of you. Been a member here for a couple of years, coming back once in a while. At some point I will very likely CTB or at least that's the current trajectory.

It's nice to have this community!

 

[AutumnFire]

Hi.. I'm female, in my 40s from Southern Uk. I have EUPD but recently left full time psychiatric therapy for it.. long story… I know I can't be helped! And am broken even too broken for therapy. Just found out my dad probably has terminal cancer and we have a very complex relationship but does anyone else welcome bad news just like it's another extra push to make ctb easier?

 

[knightxenon]

hello i am 29m i have autoimmune disease which has left me disabled now i cant work nor earn money,my dad supports me although we are in debt due to my surgery expenses,i dont know how much longer i will be able to continue in life if i cant work eventually one day either i will die hungry or ctb

 

[didn't-it-rain]

Hey there, I'm non-binary and in my early 30's. Aside from depression (obviously?), I suffer from anxiety and am somewhere on the ADHD and autism spectrums.
I first learned about this site a little over a month ago when I was "casually" researching methods and I came across that NYT article which mentioned the forum.

I'm actually typing up a "depression narrative" right now (which is exhausting) but I will keep it brief here:

I've been suffering from depression for over a decade, probably starting around high school? I've taken several anti-depressants and mood-stabilizers since then but none of them have ever *really* worked - the most I can hope for is that they minimize, or at least reduce, my suicidal ideation, at least for a time.

But my depression and endless self-loathing have never really gone away and in fact have only gotten worse in the past year, including far more frequent and severe ideation. I've also made a litany of poor choices, especially recently, that have made me feel trapped and helpless, even moreso than usual, and I'm not sure how to escape. That said, I did just start seeing a doctor to prescribe me ketamine, after looking for it for years, so I guess we'll see if that helps any, but even now there's a not-insignificant part of me doesn't even want it to work - which is concerning (but relatable, I'm sure).

I've never made an attempt, despite "casually" researching methods on-and-off for a decade, but am increasingly becoming more comfortable with the fact that my death would cause my parents a lot of grief. (I also only started seriously self-harming this year.)

(That's the thing that's always stopped me (aside from not being very resourceful): even if I don't get along with them all that much, and they undoubtedly caused me a lot of trauma (although not much in the realm of ACEs), I can only imagine what losing a child does to someone, and not only do I have empathy for that, the fact that my parents have raised me and given me so much makes me feel a degree of compassion and even closeness towards them, and am thus wary about hurting them. So the fact I'm getting more comfortable with this is concerning to say the least, but in another sense it's freeing: I used to lament and feel trapped by the fact that I was so depressed and unhappy yet so unwilling to end my life by my own hands. That said, I don't want to romanticize being suicidal. I end up crying all the time and rarely have energy to do anything productive or be in the present moment.)

So that's what brings me here. Tbh, at the end of the day I don't know if I have that much confidence in the fact I'll go through with anything (I gather "ctb" is the shorthand for this, just based on the posts I've seen?) but I still feel a certain pull to be here.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

o/

I'm 25, male, I like horror (hence the Silent Hill references) but Im also a coward
Ultimately just an unimportant, forgettable, miserable pile of flesh and discomfort that shouldnt have made it past adolescence if were being honest here

Diagnosed with major depressive and social anxiety but that might be subject to change soon, well see

 

[Exact Change]

Hello,
I'm glad to have recently joined the site. After reading through many posts, I can see the community here is a far better group of people than the 'friends' on my FB. Without sounding too pathetic...I struggle with alcoholism and battle with waves of depression. I've made one attempt and constantly debate with myself if I will make another. I think the people here, who share many of the same pains and struggles, also share a connection and an understanding.

 

[niiina]

Hey!

I'm a 30yo Brazilian female, I'm stuck with a severe depression and anxiety, so atm I'm not really able to enjoy anything in life, any feelings of enjoyment were erased by the depression by now.
Also I don't have one arm but i have worked with sexwork anyway lol.
No place of my own no vehicle no studies no job no will.
But I'm going to ctb by full suspension soon, it's a shame I'll never get to have the conditions to have my own cat one day, but that's ok cause I'll be dead.

 

[plan c]

The walker here. Call me whatever you like.

Here are something I do besides what we all do: card games, maths, music, computer, Minecraft, talking to myself.

Liking things requires too much energy so I decided not to like things.

Days are alike for me: Cold, salty, and with lethal pressure. Walking the deepest of trenches, I have no idea if I'm living or dead.

 

[balloonsandpretzels]

Hello, you can call me Harper. My life's a joke

I want to use the search function so here I am

 

[deadliftEnjoyer]

30yo male boomer here

I never felt like I belonged in this world, trough I don't feel too desperate for CTB at this particular moment; the antidepressants seem to be kicking in, and the pain is somewhat dulled

Regardless, I have been planning my departure for a month now. I plan to use a gun and have some other things happening as backup in case I survive

My reason for subscribing to this forum was to inform myself on more CTB methods and its risks, but I found some very interesting discussions, specially those about spirituality

 

[oneeyed]

Mid thirties M, diagnosed with major depressive disorder, have extreme anxiety, no self confidence, I don't celebrate accomplishments as I don't see them as such and feel like an absolute loser/pussy. If only the infinity stones were real, a snap of the fingers and everything is fixed.

 

[cloudgazer26]

hiya I'm cloud or clo I'm 28 from the west coast of the USA. I have lived with schizophrenia since I was 7 due to being molested. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective with bipolar type 2 a couple years ago when I was 20. I have one kitty and I love to read. ETA: I've had two trips to grippy sock jail for failed attempts and am on the cusp of another.

 

[Leavingwoutatrace]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hello! :D
I'm Jen from the Uk and i'm currently waiting for the bus but im not sure when it'll arrive
I love animals, especially my hamster Bean heh, my favorite films/tv shows are: AHS, black mirror, anything studio ghibli and Disenchantment.
I've had anorexia since 13 which got pretty bad and messed my health up. I've always had anxiety. Im currently an A-level student studying biology, chem, geography and core maths - I used to aspire to be a zoological vet but I don't think that'll happen anymore whether I CTB or not bc everything is so stressful and school just doesn't make sense :/ . I've been selectively mute from a young age and haven't had any friends for about 4 years now so i'm pretty lonely haha.

 

[HPV]

hey

 

[ipomoeaalba]

23f. i was caught in a pretty rough abusive situation as a small kid and while it didn't last long it still affects me, when my parents FINALLY took me to therapy at 11 i was diagnosed as depressed. had my first ctb attempt at 17 and it's been steadily getting worse as far as health work and relationships are concerned
music and horror movies (especially campy 80s ones) are pretty much my only passions. i love making art but i haven't had a drive for it for abt 6 months. one of my favorite things to do is buy flowers and put them on graves in my local cemeteries

 

[AliciaFox32]

Hello.

I live in South Africa. I created a really good life, it was tough but I eventually got there. Unfortunately my depression, anxiety and perfectionism completely took over me. I have had depression and anxiety which manifested into many eating disorders for years but I've always managed to control it. This time was very different. I'm changed because of it.

I've been to several psychiatric hospitals which were all awful. I've attempted suicide, the last being an attempt at jumping off a building. I didn't expect to be pulled down but I was and I'm suffering the consequences of that. Perhaps I needed more knowledge of how to do it successfully, I didn't know something like this site existed. Stigma is a very real thing. And judgement hurts. I'm ashamed, disappointed within myself and feel as though I'm a weaker person because of this.

So many factors go into why the downward spiral of depression, anxiety and emotional turmoil relapsed. I just can't live with the burden of this year hanging on me. I have a method in mind but I'm struggling to gain the confidence to actually do it. I feel very guilty for leaving my family, they're amazing and they're hopeful. I've begun to lose hope. It's really just very very hard.

I hope to connect with people who understand and who can relate to me.

Thank you for having me!

 

[Sorrowful Paradise]

I'm Sorrowful Paradise and I'm here to end it all. Sorry for not elaborating. I'm nauseous most of the time.

 

[SchizoRagequit]

Hi everyone, I'm fed up with my schizoaffective diagnosis and am seeking out. I tried to hang myself 2 years ago after I was first diagnosed.

After my most recent episode I am going to try to ctb again. Really hoping I am successful this time, going to try to get my hands on SN and an anti emetic.

 

[NoHorizon]

Hi. Have been reading the forums for quite a while before joining, it's nice to see a place where you can say you want to die without people panicking.

I won't detail why I'm suicidal as my reasons don't seem like much compared to some here, but I'm now at a point where I want a plan in place for when it finally gets too much.

When I'm not too depressed I like running and gaming.