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[myopybyproxy]

The only 24gs I was able to get were duller than I am. Unfortunate as they seemed to be an ideal size. 21-23g to be tested shortly.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I've never found you dull, I'm glad for your presence. Best wishes with the test.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

have yet to do my taxes (I was planning to be dead before that became a problem)

Once you're dead, your taxes are not your problem anymore.

and finally the holy grail (doctor, lawyer, business CEO)

"Holy Grail" if you define success by money. However, if you define success through inner personal enrichment, such as by working for a non-profit or an NGO, which does work to somehow improve the human condition, then I would argue that even if the money from such an endeavor is mediocre, or even low, that the inner "riches" of fulfillment one might achieve from such could be worth more than all of the money in the world.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Once you're dead, your taxes are not your problem anymore.

"Holy Grail" if you define success by money. However, if you define success through inner personal enrichment, such as by working for a non-profit or an NGO, which does work to somehow improve the human condition, then I would argue that even if the money from such an endeavor is mediocre, or even low, that the inner "riches" of fulfillment one might achieve from such could be worth more than all of the money in the world.

true but i would hate to do that to my family. they're already wasted so much money and time and caring / emotional effort on me. anyhow it's a moot point as i've filed already.

or prestige / what is traditionally seen as 'honourable'. fair enough - but you do need money to do many things, including those activities on my list. and whilst it is true that above about 70k/year (not adjusted for inflation) there is no correlation between wealth and happiness - below that level there is a noticeable positive trend.

ie the difference between middle class and billionaire likely won't smooth over the gaping hole in your heart or make you much more enthusiastic about life excepting the aforementioned activities - but the difference between abject poverty and middle class will likely make life loads more bearable and worth sticking around for, once you're no longer struggling to get through day-to-day and have some savings etc.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

true "but"? I think those people who personally made the choice, the sacrifice even, to earn less money in fields for the good they do for others, rather than the good they do for "you" (think $) are quite happy for the most part. After all material things are just that, and are actually just the flip side of the same gold coin. No amount of money can buy happiness. Maybe contentment. Maybe well-being. I can't argue that $ doesn't make day-to-day living easier. I guess it depends on what one values. I think personal enrichment can be just as valuable as $ in "making life more bearable and worth sticking around for".

 

[myopybyproxy]

true "but"? I think those people who personally made the choice, the sacrifice even, to earn less money in fields for the good they do for others, rather than the good they do for "you" (think $) are quite happy for the most part. After all material things are just that, and are actually just the flip side of the same gold coin. No amount of money can buy happiness. Maybe contentment. Maybe well-being. I can't argue that $ doesn't make day-to-day living easier. I guess it depends on what one values. I think personal enrichment can be just as valuable as $ in "making life more bearable and worth sticking around for".

not disagreeing with you here, mate. read my post carefully. above a particular ceiling, you are correct, more money does not correspond to more happiness. but below that, there is a correlation. i can't recall the study authors but you can look it up.

my point was - living in poverty has a huge impact on one's mental health even if only due to financial stress. even if you live within your means, that neighbourhood is not likely to be a peaceful place that fosters mental wellness.

in the part of town near me where rent is the cheapest, there are muggings, assaults, carjackings, break-ins, shootings, stabbings, drug raids - i get an email from my uni police once or twice a week on average that some crime has occurred at x location. not so in the 'wealthier' part of town - which isn't even that high class but the rent is 125-250% more expensive vs the aforementioned area. good luck affording to live in a nice environment with a pittance job. worrying for your personal safety and that of your family, in addition to your physical health or ability to afford shelter or food, will is also likely to negatively affect your happiness or mental health. hence - threshold.

i'm not saying personal enrichment isn't valuable in this regard, or that money is more valuable. just that one without the other is insufficient. and that below a certain point, money has a greater impact, whereas above that point, it does not vastly improve mental health. diminishing returns.


side rant - how much can the average cog in the system worker help someone anyway? you talk to someone for an hour once or twice a week. maybe you print out a list of resources in their area. they feel like they are doing good for others and it makes them feel good. but that does nothing to solve the long term systemic issues that hinder much recovery in the first place.

for instance, the catch 22 regarding suicidality (can't improve mental health without open discussion w therapist, can't be honest w therapist in current mental health state due to threat of being sectioned) --> change laws, social stigma, the payment system for therapists, doctors, psychiatrists (to prevent insurance milking by corrupt hospitals), record permanence (there ought to be an expungement every seven years as with bankruptcy, or a whittling down only to the most pertinent information and only available when needed to inform treatment eg overview history of x mental health issue)

the catch 22 regarding employment for the homeless and ex-convicts (can't get a job without a permanent residence or a record, can't get a permanent residence without a job, can't assimilate into society / be a 'normal' person again and reduce recidivism without a job) --> change laws, social stigma, establishing rehabilitation / reacclimation programmes, expanding diversity quotas to include these categories or providing incentives to employers to hire them (no, not that exactly - some middle of the road approach to where possibly having made poor choices earlier in life is not later explicitly rewarded, yet also not ostracised and forced back into the same situations. but simple anti-discrimination laws are lip service to paper legal gods and no one wants to self disclose anyway because stigma)

can't x without improving situation - can't improve situation without x. some of it does come down to individual determination and grit - you have to advocate for yourself - but nobody succeeds in a vacuum. malcolm gladwell has some excellent books on the subject.

all this to say, there is no simple solution. everything is interconnected. the jobs you mention - even being a social worker - although they may provide satisfaction to the person working, they barely make a dent in the corruption overall. i cannot fathom how living amidst it for decades wouldn't cause someone to become cynical and depressed.

 

[Smart No More]

Anyone heard from OP? We chatted a little by pm but haven't heard from them in a couple of days. They've not logged in since Monday. Judt wondering if anyone was in contact with them. Looking like they may have followed through. Their plan was quite complicated. I really hope they didn't end up in a mess!

 

[myopybyproxy]

Still here, unfortunately.

I've narrowed it down to between 22g and 23g.

Have somehow managed to pick up a crack habit. Fuck me.

 

[Smart No More]

Still here, unfortunately.

I've narrowed it down to between 22g and 23g.

Have somehow managed to pick up a crack habit. Fuck me.

Are you washing your own coke? Tends to be the cheapest and best option for quality. Takes less than 5mins to do too. (don't ask me for instructions though lol).

Glad you're still around but please knock the stone on the head. It's just going to eat you alive and dying that way is hard and painful. Seen it happen. One local guy was terminal in hospital having people bring in rocks. His life was miserable but he lived suffering just to chase the pipe. No sense creating another level of hell on top of the one you're only living.

I'm a little confused about why you're struggling with the particulars of needle guage. Honestly it doesn't need to be that complicated.

Something I wanted to mention to you was the methadone you mentioned. It's not enough and honestly boiling it down isn't a great idea. The original liquid would have lasted many years. But again, even 50ml isn't really enough. I know it's sited as enough in some cases. Particularly opiate ignorant metabolisms but in my youth I took high doses of methadone. My first time was only 25ml and I fealt it but it was nothing compared to like $20 worth of H. Less even. I know you were going for a cumulative effect but the time it takes for methadone to work wouldn't play into what I understand of your plan. And just so you're awareinjecting it would be pointless too. It does nothing in that preparation really. Just messes up veins.

I'm still a bit confused about your method overall. Mainly because it's spead through your thread. From what I'm gathering you want to take an opiate IV overdose and fall to your death into water in order to makes sure you drown if the fall doesn't kill you. Is that right?

 

[myopybyproxy]

Are you washing your own coke? Tends to be the cheapest and best option for quality. Takes less than 5mins to do too. (don't ask me for instructions though lol).

I used to wash sometimes, when I injected. I don't wash what I smoke - too much effort. It takes more than 5min - even when I started with the acid salt form because I had to dehydrate the acetone first. And starting with crack, I'd have to convert it back to ascorbate or citrate form - then convert it back to the bicarbonate base when I finish the wash.

Glad you're still around but please knock the stone on the head. It's just going to eat you alive and dying that way is hard and painful. Seen it happen. One local guy was terminal in hospital having people bring in rocks. His life was miserable but he lived suffering just to chase the pipe. No sense creating another level of hell on top of the one you're only living.

I know...it isn't even that enjoyable. And yet.

I made a list of pros and cons. Somehow the cons don't outweigh the pros.

The irony is that because I've not been eating much these last few weeks - thanks to the rock - part of me wants to live. I hate myself a bit less. Although I hate myself a bit more too, for using rock at all and the things I do to get it.

I'm a little confused about why you're struggling with the particulars of needle guage. Honestly it doesn't need to be that complicated.

Trying to find the largest gauge I can comfortably manoeuvre one-handed whilst wasting minimal active ingredient. Smaller gauge will take longer to inject, and time will be of the essence. I've settled on 23g. Still takes too long for my liking but practising will tighten the time.

Something I wanted to mention to you was the methadone you mentioned. It's not enough and honestly boiling it down isn't a great idea. The original liquid would have lasted many years. But again, even 50ml isn't really enough. I know it's sited as enough in some cases. Particularly opiate ignorant metabolisms but in my youth I took high doses of methadone. My first time was only 25ml and I fealt it but it was nothing compared to like $20 worth of H. Less even. I know you were going for a cumulative effect but the time it takes for methadone to work wouldn't play into what I understand of your plan. And just so you're awareinjecting it would be pointless too. It does nothing in that preparation really. Just messes up veins.

I'm aware it's insufficient on its own. I plan to combine it with the others by taking it about two hours prior - previous trials of the same methadone showed that it takes several hours for pruritus and head fog / fuzziness to arise. From my understanding, the blocking effects don't affect people until about 40mg. I highly doubt there are 40mg of methadone in total - it seemed to be already dilute at the time of purchase. Thanks for the information though.

I'm still a bit confused about your method overall. Mainly because it's spead through your thread. From what I'm gathering you want to take an opiate IV overdose and fall to your death into water in order to makes sure you drown if the fall doesn't kill you. Is that right?

Apologies I haven't compiled a coherent and complete version here. Still working out the minute details myself. The fall would not kill anyone unless they landed at quite the unlucky angle. It's to be sure that I don't back out - once I fall, it'll be more difficult to get back to land than if I were to wade in from ground level. The water will not be a pleasant temperature and I doubt I would be able to force myself to swim out wearing a weighted vest. Easier to jump.

The opiate OD is spread amongst various ROAs, but IV is the primary means, yes.

Apologies also for taking so long to reply. I've had this tab open for a few days. Couldn't bring myself to concentrate enough to give it a decent response.

 

[Smart No More]

There's a much quicker way to wash without using acetone or ammonia although the end product isn't quite as pure as an a ammonia job. It's much of a muchness and so much more instant. 100% explosion risk free lol.

Glad you're still with us although it sounds like you're putting yourself through the ringer. Honestly it sounds like you're stuck in a spiral. I feel for you.

There's no obligation to reply to posts in detail. Or at all for that matter

Not sure what you meant about blocking effects in regards to methadone? There's no blocker in methadone. There is in subutex which is another drug used to ween addicts off of opiates. Merhadone is just plain methadone and you can take as much as you want without any blocking effects. I've taken as much as 250ml in the past. Wouldn't do it again though. That said, I was walking around and talking. It was nowhere near enough to knock me out. I had a hefty H habit at the time. Been many years clean now though.

 

[myopybyproxy]

There's a much quicker way to wash without using acetone or ammonia although the end product isn't quite as pure as an a ammonia job. It's much of a muchness and so much more instant. 100% explosion risk free lol.

I wasn't aware of this. Curious if you wouldn't mind DMing me about this. Call it harm reduction - I'm going to use either way.

Not sure what you meant about blocking effects in regards to methadone? There's no blocker in methadone. There is in subutex which is another drug used to ween addicts off of opiates. Merhadone is just plain methadone and you can take as much as you want without any blocking effects. I've taken as much as 250ml in the past. Wouldn't do it again though. That said, I was walking around and talking. It was nowhere near enough to knock me out. I had a hefty H habit at the time. Been many years clean now though.

Beyond a certain dose - varies by individual - other opiates cannot be felt, as far as I know. However, most of my information has been gathered from reading online discussions, where people are more concerned about getting a rush or high versus dying. I meant that the methadone binds tightly to the opioid receptors, which prevents other opiates from binding. Therefore, if this were true, taking fentanyl etc would be a waste. But it appears to not be the case - one can still OD in combination. It's buprenorphine that cannot - or rather, requires a ridiculously high dose to overcome the binding strength.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Family got a dog a few days ago. I don't want to kill myself now and cause them more stress and difficulty.

Almost definitely not going to the treatment facility. I want to be dead and yet I lack the impetus to make it happen. I think setting a date and thinking about others is what holds me back. I can't quit my job without causing suspicion. They'll just have to deal with the shifts I miss.

I have no plans for next year - didn't register for classes yet - and none of the wishful fantasy alternatives are happening either.

Practising with the 23g and tracking the information. Will post here as a chart when I finish.

Apparently there may be fentanyl in crack. What nonsense. I've been taking buprenorphine here and there. Hopefully my tolerance remains nil.

 

[Smart No More]

Fent in crack is bollcks. I've heard the same thing and saw some claim that someone OD'd on fent because it was in their crack. Two things.... Firstly there's no good reason to intentionally put fent in crack as it's got opposite effect, doesn't add value or weight and is likely to kill anyone who isn't opiate tolerant. (I've seen cracks heads calling out smack heads as scum bags. The irony!) Crack is more moreish than opiates. You take an opiate and chill between hits. Crack you smoke hit after hit until the money or the supply runs out...... Secondly, if there does happen to ever be fent in crack it will have been a mistake or a misguided fools attempt to make their already highly addctive drugs unnecessarily addictive. Should that be the case it will be an isolated one and can be taken with a grain of salt. Bare in mind, pipe after pipe of crack gets smoked - even opiate tolerant users would eventually either nod out or OD. It's just the worst possible business sense for a drug dealer to do this.

Like you said, what nonesense!


Buprenoephine uae will impact your tolerance but not massively if used more than a week apart. Less than that and there'll be a slow but definite build in tolerance. Is easier to lose opiate tolerance than it is to lose benzo tolerance. That said, regular use of opiates will extend the period of abstinence needed to get to base level.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Never mind about the chart. Been neglecting hydration and vitamins, and overusing the single vein that I can reliably access - don't want to damage it further via 'practising'. No need for the data now anyhow.

Took about an eighth of a stamp IV yesterday to acclimate to the process. Began feeling it within 30 seconds of registering - spacey and fuzzy headed. Stopped the push with 0.5mL left, which I plugged three hours later along with the 2.5x remainder. I've no doubt that if I took the total (less than half a stamp) with vodka and went for a swim wearing a 20kg vest, the chances of survival would be low indeed. With 3g, I am almost certain of success. And yesterday's experiment yielded its effects despite a 1-2mg buprenorphine tolerance.

Exactly, @Smart No More - fentanyl has a burning point much lower than crack. Thus to be smoked it is vapourised on foil. Direct flame as is used in a crack pipe will immediately destroy any fentanyl that a dealer would be dumb enough to use as cut.

Got the grapefruit juice - hopefully no one else in my family drinks it in the next week. Soon as I finish this next quarter ounce - yet to purchase and basify, much less smoke - it's go time. Or in the vicinity thereabouts, anyhow. Not setting a date. But my father is starting to get antsy about my classes next semester - if he doesn't pay the tuition by a particular date, there is a late fee. So I suppose I do have a hazy deadline.

 

[Smart No More]

What do you mean by a 'stamp'? Is it term colloquial term for a measurement? There was a time where heroin etc was measured in graines. Not grains of dust but an actual measurement with that name. Then it became grammes and points. I guess it varies around the world though. I always found those changes interesting though. They're never in favour of the end user unfortunately. I think that's what fuels the change. Soon enough it will be actual grains lol. Dealers these days are utter c*nts. Not like the old days where you'd get H from a hippy that would give you a fair deal. They were fucked over by 'the war on drugs' and the subsequent take over from people more ruthless and willing to take a higher legal risk. Every push with the war on drugs pushes it further and further into depravity. The way legalised weed has changed the landscape of that is testament to just this. All these mom and pop weed growers doing legit business, paying taxes etc. Then you compare it the green triangle where it's the complete opposite. People killing one another over their grows. Doesn't need to be that way.

You said "nevermind the chart", what's the chart you're referring to?


Also, just so you know, certain drugs containing buprenorphine (suboxone), (but not subutex), will block opiates. It sends addicts into instant withdrawal but much worse than the normal withdrawal symptoms. It's got buprenorphine and nalaxone which work together to stop a user feeling withdrawals and the need or cravings to use but to also block the effects if they do attempt to use on top. I suspect is what you were referring to regarding buprenorphine blocking opiates and where the confusion was. It's not the buprenorphine but the nalaxone. Subutex is just buprenorphine when suboxone is both buprenorphine and nalaxone.

Another issue with this stuff is that if you use it after taking an opiate/opioid it will cause a really nasty reaction that's much like withrawals but worse and no amount of using H or F on top to try to stop the sickness will work. You just have to last it out and it's violently unbearable. In treatment they make you wait at least 48hrs since the last time you used before letting you take it for this reason. Sometimes that's not long enough. It's a common issue in treatment and I've seen people that didn't heed the warnings and they were shitting themselves and puking simultaneously and clearly were just utterly messed up.

Methadone, just for the record, definitely doesn't have any blocking effects. I used on top of it many times in the past. No problems.

 

[Shu]

Fent in crack is bollcks. I've heard the same thing and saw some claim that someone OD'd on fent because it was in their crack. Two things.... Firstly there's no good reason to intentionally put fent in crack as it's got opposite effect, doesn't add value or weight and is likely to kill anyone who isn't opiate tolerant. (I've seen cracks heads calling out smack heads as scum bags. The irony!) Crack is more moreish than opiates. You take an opiate and chill between hits. Crack you smoke hit after hit until the money or the supply runs out...... Secondly, if there does happen to ever be fent in crack it will have been a mistake or a misguided fools attempt to make their already highly addctive drugs unnecessarily addictive. Should that be the case it will be an isolated one and can be taken with a grain of salt. Bare in mind, pipe after pipe of crack gets smoked - even opiate tolerant users would eventually either nod out or OD. It's just the worst possible business sense for a drug dealer to do this.

Like you said, what nonesense!


Buprenoephine uae will impact your tolerance but not massively if used more than a week apart. Less than that and there'll be a slow but definite build in tolerance. Is easier to lose opiate tolerance than it is to lose benzo tolerance. That said, regular use of opiates will extend the period of abstinence needed to get to base level.

They add fent to meth all over the Midwest and west coast of the US

 

[Smart No More]

They add fent to meth all over the Midwest and west coast of the US

Why?

 

[Shu]

Why?

Keep them coming back I guess.
A buddy and I from Eugene Oregon tested a batch that we received from the plug who swore up and down his supplier was adding fentanyl to it and sure enough it tested positive.

 

[Smart No More]

Keep them coming back I guess.
A buddy and I from Eugene Oregon tested a batch that we received from the plug who swore up and down his supplier was adding fentanyl to it and sure enough it tested positive.

Was the meth in powder or undamaged crystals?

It's weird to add fent to meth really. It's already highly addictive and adding the right amount to make it more addictive without killing anoyone would be pretty challenging. I mean I I know it only takes a small amount of meth to get high but dispersing Fent equally throughout the meth and avoiding hot spots seems near enough impossible. I guess dealers don't really always have good logic and usually give no fucks about the end user. I've met some real fuckwits through the years so I don't know why I'm expecting anything different now lol.

 

[myopybyproxy]

What do you mean by a 'stamp'? Is it term colloquial term for a measurement?

A stamp is a bag of dope. Ten stamps is a bundle; ten bundles is a brick.

Yep, like grain count used to measure gunpowder in bullet manufacturing.

I had a scale that measured in grains as well as grammes, ounces, and several other units which I forget now. Police took it. Now I just use drugs without measuring anything. Well done, War on Drugs. It's a war on the users to benefit the governments and cartels. They don't give a shit about the users' health or risk of harm.

You said "nevermind the chart", what's the chart you're referring to?

The data I was gathering on the injection practising (location, number of checks, subjective feeling of bulk/handling ease, time in seconds to various points - registering in the vein, completing the shot).

Also, just so you know, certain drugs containing buprenorphine (suboxone), (but not subutex), will block opiates. It sends addicts into instant withdrawal but much worse than the normal withdrawal symptoms. It's got buprenorphine and nalaxone which work together to stop a user feeling withdrawals and the need or cravings to use but to also block the effects if they do attempt to use on top. I suspect is what you were referring to regarding buprenorphine blocking opiates and where the confusion was. It's not the buprenorphine but the nalaxone. Subutex is just buprenorphine when suboxone is both buprenorphine and nalaxone.

You are somewhat correct - precipitated withdrawal. Although the effects of using other opioids depends how large a dose of buprenorph you've got in your system. Below about 2mg the norbuprenorphine is the primary active agent, where not all the receptors are filled. (Obviously tolerance affects how various doses impact people.) The naloxone is essentially useless at the low doses present in Suboxone, added to convince the FDA etc that the drug was not addictive and not abusable. Both these points are due to the high binding affinity of buprenorphine to the opioid receptors. Other opioid agonists (eg heroin) or antagonists (eg naloxone) will 'bounce off' the occupied receptors, if you will. A much higher quantity of naloxone is required in buprenorphine overdoses versus other opiates.

 

[Angi]

Sad to hear you have a deadline coming up. Your posts are always a beautiful read. Which subject were you studying? (I would be amused if it was chemistry!)

 

[myopybyproxy]

Sad to hear you have a deadline coming up. Your posts are always a beautiful read. Which subject were you studying? (I would be amused if it was chemistry!)

Still trying to force myself to go one way or the other. The complexity of my plan is offputting to myself too. I'll type it out in full in a separate post soon.

Thank you.

Psychology and nutrition. The latter had several required chemistry courses, actually.

 

[Angi]

Nice, they trained you for everything you might be needing, suicide wise.

Still trying to force myself to go one way or the other. The complexity of my plan is offputting to myself too. I'll type it out in full in a separate post soon.

Both of these resonate with me! Curious to hear your thoughts!

For the first one, I have decided that just barely not killing myself is the worst place I have been at. I seek anything else. Not killing myself would be my preferred option, but definitely not at the "just barely" end of it. I also suspect that just barely succeeding to kill myself would feel very bad, for as long as it lasts. I would like to be far away from the line. I hope you succeed at putting space between you and your line! (Selfishly, I also hope you write some more!)

As for complex suicide plans... I sometimes find comfort in making them, but I realized I will not find death there. I found I get two types of suicidal thoughts. One lets me continue to think clearly, but will never let me act. The other is capable of causing actual death, I think, but cripples my other abilities, down to very basic skills such as using my hands or talking. Thus, I have a very simple plan and an almost as simple plan which I hope I could actually accomplish, even in that state. I also have several complex ones which I drew comfort from making. I know they will not work, but I like having them around.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Glutathione topical cream (contributes to CYP3A4 inhibition) was oxidised or otherwise ruined. This is what I get for waiting so long. Was going to make my own quinine (strong CYP2D6 inhibitor) from grapefruit peels but accidentally scorched it in the cooking process several months back. Thus the plan will proceed without these two ingredients. Unfortunately I was unable to procure D1/D2 antiemetics (chlorpromazine, promethazine, etc - ruined the quetiapine with IPM) but the plan incorporates most other types so I'm not too nonplussed about that.

Writing everything out step by step so as to foolproof it. Posting here for entertainment purposes only should anyone find themselves with sufficient time to waste that they read through this thread.

NB: When I say substrate, inhibitor etc I am referring either to CYP2D6 or CYP3A4 (or both) - the major pathways involved in processing opioids. I say 'supposed' in reference to several ingredients due to obtaining them from the street and not testing them to confirm. Trazodone interacts with some of these to prolong QT/QTc interval, however slightly, hereafter denoted by 'prolongs QT-trazo'. It may seem random, and to some degree it is; however, the timing of ingestion is based on a compromise between time til Cmax and time til first noticeable effects.

Based on a prior test run I believe this combination will be quite effective as long as I manage to dodge the nosey train station workers and early morning commuters.

I have several orally dissolving tablets of ondansetron (substrate, 5HT3 antagonist antiemetic, prolongs QT-trazo). The night prior I will take 4mg ondansetron and 100mg cannabidiol (inhibitor); chain the bicycle outdoors; write a note.

The following morning, in approximate order:

Spoiler: T-90

- 100mg CBD
- 8mg ondan
- two eggs and avocado (increase absorption of lipophilic orally ingested opioids)
- two grapefruits and pith (inhibitor)
- 100mg niacin (inhibitor)
- 100mg fluconazole (inhibitor, prolongs QT interval)
- 1.48g black pepper and 1.42g turmeric (increase bioavailability of oral opioids)
- 4mg loperamide (substrate)
- 90mL diluted supposed methadone (approx 20mg active ingredient) (substrate, inhibitor)
- up to 100mL grapefruit and pomegranate juice pro re nata for swallowing pills (inhibitor)
- write the remainder of this sequence on paper
- factory reset my phone
- clear laptop history
- begin travel

I already only access this site on incognito mode, and I am not technologically adept - further preparations regarding erasing my online footprint seem overly complicated and unnecessary. I've barely got the mental capacities to follow this plan. Exceedingly tempted to simplify matters and only do the injection. No. That is idiotic and will likely fail.

Upon arrival:

Spoiler: T-60

- 800mg cimetidine (inhibitor)
- 50mL bismuth subsalicylate (antiemetic)
- 100mg trazodone (substrate, H1 and 5HT1, 5HT2A, 5HT2C antagonist antiemetic)
- 4mg ondan
- 4mg lope
- approx 100mL of juice

Approx 20 min later:

Spoiler: T-35

- 4mg ondan
- 25mg diphenhydramine (inhibitor, prolongs QT-trazo)
- 150mL bismuth
- 50mg dimenhydrinate (antiemetic, prolongs QT-trazo)
- 16mg chlorpheniramine maleate (substrate, prolongs QTc-trazo)
- 3.3g sodium bicarbonate (increase bioavailability of oral opioids)
- up to 100mL juice mixture pro re nata for swallowing pills

Ibid:

Spoiler: T-15

- remainder bismuth
- 40mg supposed alprazolam (substrate, synergy)
- 15.5mg clonazepam (substrate, synergy)
- 100mg flucon
- approx 98mL 80 proof ethanol (potentiator, synergy)
- intrarectal 20mg supposed oxycodone in 4mL water and 2mL aforementioned ethanol (substrate, higher bioavailability)
- approx 150mL juice mixture

Approx 10 min later:

Spoiler: T-0

- walk out onto bridge
- secure weighted vest
- eat fentadope filtrate (substrate)
- intravenous 3g fentadope (substrate)
- jump into water

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Sad to hear you have a deadline coming up. Your posts are always a beautiful read. Which subject were you studying? (I would be amused if it was chemistry!)

I second this. You have a brilliant mind.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Nice, they trained you for everything you might be needing, suicide wise.

Not quite. The particulars of methodology were an extracurricular individual seminar haha.

Both of these resonate with me! Curious to hear your thoughts!

I didn't set a date as far ahead as I did in prior thought experiments - I say thought experiments because I did not actually attempt when the date arrived. Furthermore, I reviewed every aspect of the plan - short of memorising it - so that it would seem less daunting. If I were high, it would be even easier mentally to opt out, but the process of becoming parapsychotic from crack is not a pleasant few days and also would require me to push my plan back, as well as acquire the prepared cocaine and paraphernalia. And I haven't got any weed with me, obtaining it is too difficult at this hour, and I would rather adhere to the plan.

For the first one, I have decided that just barely not killing myself is the worst place I have been at. I seek anything else. Not killing myself would be my preferred option, but definitely not at the "just barely" end of it. I also suspect that just barely succeeding to kill myself would feel very bad, for as long as it lasts. I would like to be far away from the line. I hope you succeed at putting space between you and your line! (Selfishly, I also hope you write some more!)

As for complex suicide plans... I sometimes find comfort in making them, but I realized I will not find death there. I found I get two types of suicidal thoughts. One lets me continue to think clearly, but will never let me act. The other is capable of causing actual death, I think, but cripples my other abilities, down to very basic skills such as using my hands or talking. Thus, I have a very simple plan and an almost as simple plan which I hope I could actually accomplish, even in that state. I also have several complex ones which I drew comfort from making. I know they will not work, but I like having them around.

I agree. Just barely scraping by is no way to live.

Interesting dichotomy you have regarding suicidality. It is only slightly similar to my experience - much more extreme. That said, I can definitely relate to finding comfort in the planning and the possession of the means - the knowledge that, at any moment, you can opt out, somehow confers a sort of power or mental strength upon me. And dare I say it - a selfish, smug superiority. I have a way out, whereas all these poor fools around me do not. They must suffer through their natural lifespans unless some freak accident graces them with the luck to leave this fucked up society any sooner. Maybe this makes me a bad person. I don't care. The brain's automatic reaction is quite hilarious, when one contemplates it.

I second this. You have a brilliant mind.

Thank you for the flattery, friend. However, I feel my cognition declining with every passing day - drug abuse aside, depression itself is inflammatory - and the longer I live in this mindset and lifestyle, the worse it will get.


90 minutes ago, I took about 160mg CBD, 4mg ondansetron, and drank some cough syrup to help me sleep albeit it not being in the plan - approx 45mg doxylamine succinate and 110mg dextromethorphan hydrobromide. It started to hit around 30 min ago. I'm forcing myself to stay up to write this - will get about 5 hours sleep total. Have yet to write the final draft of my note. Suppose I'll do that after I post this. Or tomorrow morning. Or not at all. I'm so tired. Just need to write the pertinent information - bank account and holographic will, not your fault etc etc.

Tomorrow morning if I still decide to go through with the plan, I may post once more. Not long, though - won't have much time.

Of note, the timestamps in the post outlining my plan are approximates only. I will not adhere to a strict schedule but rather will act whenever is prudent to avoid suspicion and interference.

Mechanical loss took some ethanol and fentadope; actual values likely slightly less (~1-5%). Rinsed out the shot glasses I used to filter the fentadope with the ethanol, thus hopefully incorporating some fenty into what I will drink. I will chew the cotton, after which I will let it sit sublingually and buccally so as to absorb whatever was not taken up into the syringe. Now to store and transport it without accidentally depressing the plunger...wish I had a small plastic carry case. A toilet roll cardboard tube might do, if I could find an available one.

Tomorrow will be 160mg CBD instead of 100mg. Changing the meal from two to one grapefruit - rather spend as little time up and about as possible, lest I wake my parents, who are already prone to early awakening.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Finished copying over the note, whew. Imagine if I hadn't largely pre-written it. Would have stayed up all night scrambling to come up with something. It's not perfect, but it's better than nothing.

Also sent my brother a scheduled email - tomorrow 12:30 - with the attachment of a document containing many of my ramblings and song lyrics. Should he feel so inclined to do anything with them. At the very least, it may serve as a source of entertainment for a rainy day. See how fucked up and edgy my older sibling was, haha.

I'll get about three hours of sleep. Fun. Good thing eternal sleep is happening soon.


Of course I neglected to purchase extra grapefruits when I went shopping today. Well fuck. Now reduced to zero grapefruit, using an orange instead - I know, it has hardly any usefulness to speak of regarding CYP3A4 inhibition, but let's pretend this part makes sense because I don't want to switch the date and no place sells grapefruit at the time I will be going out tomorrow morning - and drinking a cup of green tea as some compound also contributes to affecting the enzymatic process in the desired way, forget the details currently.

Many a runon sentence. Blame it on the lack of sleep.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Two hour and some odd nap complete; took the first ondansetron at 0305. 160mg CBD 0308. Eating the meal now. This will probably be my last post. Goodbye, and thank you all.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Rest easy.