I set my alarm for 0350 anyway, just in case. I woke up and opened the window. Nope. Shut it and went back to sleep. Why the fuck am I like this.
Have you brought up to them the idea of a gap year or time off and seen how they react to that?
Good idea. My mother actually suggested I do that after I finish this semester. Although it's only bit over two more months, I'm crumbling faster than time passes. I don't think I will be able to make it through, at least not with my sanity or GPA intact. Even though I knew last year when I planned out the remaining semesters that by the time I took orgo, it'd be bumped down a couple notches, I'm still irrationally clinging to my grades because that's all I've ever had. I was never popular or charismatic. But everyone said I was smart and soon enough it became my identity. I never had to learn how to deal with challenges because everything I tried came easily to me, and if it didn't, I would immediately drop it.
Yes, this is the kind of logic that kills our head. In programming, it would be an infinite loop lol
I'm full of infinite loops and contradictions. How do you break an infinite loop? Both the figurative sort and the programming sort.
I wonder what would happen if we let ourselves more actively pursue one of our 'alternatives.' ...Ask your parents to help you with the taxes, it doesn't make you any less independent if you learn how to do something the right way from those with experience.
Less financial stability and probably more stress. But the 9-5 status quo is stressful in its own way, too. And yeah, about the taxes, I should just suck it up and do them with my parents so they have one less thing to deal with when I die.
I'm sorry you couldn't join them. What instrument would you have liked to play?
I used to play guitar (or rather, alternate between the same five open chords) and sing (but I hate my voice, three cheers for dysphoria). When I was a kid I had a fantasy of becoming a famous musician. Not really possible when you never practise. I realised I live more in my head than I do in my real life...That's just depressing.
It's also very possible to run off to somewhere that is still first-world, just not where you are currently. Even just trying to do something else instead of college would give you a different perspective. No guarantee it would help. I think it's the right direction to consider again things like dreams if you have them. If you end up here longer, then maybe one day you'll have the energy or opportunity to do something. So it's not worthless to consider, I guess I want to say. It's okay to dream. Especially if it helps us for a bit when things are so hard and dreary already. You mentioned working at Starbucks, heck I'm sure you make a lot of people's days better already. People love their coffee. Even jobs like that are important. Maybe coffee isn't essential, but food and drinks are. Stuff like that may not be seen as glamorous work but people forget how essential it is.
Yeah, I wanted to join the military but when I began looking into it I found out that because of my history of mental unhealth, I'd be automatically disqualified. There's also vocational school but the idea of anything related to school makes me recoil. To be honest I'm unaware of much of the alternatives. Thanks for the reminder.
The stratified ladder model that Western society employs taught me that there are only two possibilities. You can be a criminal/homeless/a junkie/prostitute etc, or you can be a decent and hardworking person trying to get to the top via career paths of varying 'goodness' (in order of how good they are): blue collar (construction, lawn maintenance, trucker, retail or fast food), public service (police, military, firefighter, social worker, government official, teacher) and approximately equally 'good', vocational (plumbing, electrician, carpenter), and finally the holy grail (doctor, lawyer, business CEO). Then there are a few people who go beyond that and become super famous, ie politicians, actors, rock stars. Those were all the options I knew of. And none of them seemed like viable options to me.
I know it's not right to put that pressure on anyone. But company + less thinking would probably do me a lot of good. And maybe less time working, but can't do that since if I am to survive, overworking is literally the only way I can rn.
That's what stops me from maintaining relationships. I tell myself that I shouldn't burden other people with my bullshit, even though I also agree with your second sentence (in the quote). It's seems impossible to dig yourself out once you fall into this sort of pit.
You mean financial survival or mental survival or both?