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[Foresight]

On school you can contact your counselor and tell them the truth about a mental health crisis. They might be able to work with the professors on late work. If not don't let school disappointment end your life. I'm an expert at failing in school and I ended with my degree with no regrets.

Not to say I have all the answers, I just don't advise schooling tip you over. It works itself out in the long run. Well wishes.

 

[myopybyproxy]

On school you can contact your counselor and tell them the truth about a mental health crisis. They might be able to work with the professors on late work. If not don't let school disappointment end your life. I'm an expert at failing in school and I ended with my degree with no regrets.

Not to say I have all the answers, I just don't advise schooling tip you over. It works itself out in the long run. Well wishes.

It isn't just school. Telling the truth is easier said than done. Plus I know how it will end up, and that is being locked up against my will to 'keep [me] safe'. I will never go back to the psych ward. That only gave me more problems. Fuck that noise.

Everything is empty and hollow. I want to be dead.

 

[myopybyproxy]

As the date draws nearer I feel like I'm running out of time. Obviously it's arbitrary and I can die whenever, it's just the most convenient time due to university going on spring holiday. I can postpone suicide infinitely. No matter which option I choose I will feel like I'm weak. I feel horrible right now, and have been for the longest time.

I made a post about my dreams here. If I were to run away instead, I would have to plan it (and probably need a lot more money and skills that I don't have...I really don't think that prostituting would be fantastic for my mental health). That would take time that I don't have. At least, I don't think I could sort everything out in the next few days. If I'm dead - everything ceases to matter. It's the easy way out, yet paradoxically it is one of the hardest things to do. I'm so tired of my bullshit.

 

[Angi]

No matter which option I choose I will feel like I'm weak.

Sounds familiar. Sometimes, though, I can be turned into: No matter which option I choose, I will be in control. It is my choice! For me, this is the most comforting bit of suicide.

I love your "bullshit". Right now, I am to tired to craft even a halfway-decent response to it, but I will come back to the thread tomorrow and try again! Thanks for writing for us!

 

[myopybyproxy]

Sounds familiar. Sometimes, though, I can be turned into: No matter which option I choose, I will be in control. It is my choice! For me, this is the most comforting bit of suicide.

I love your "bullshit". Right now, I am to tired to craft even a halfway-decent response to it, but I will come back to the thread tomorrow and try again! Thanks for writing for us!

Thank you for reminding me that in the end my choice gives me some control. And I very much appreciate the interaction, no matter how small it is or tired you are. I hope you have a good night's sleep, and I will check back tomorrow for your expanded response.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I boiled the methadone and diluted it so that its container is airtight. Now it ought to keep for months at room temperature, if I have understood my internet readings correctly. I can always get more later - only have about 40mL here anyhow, and that seemed diluted from when I purchased it. Likely no more than 30mg in total, and I already drank a bit last week to test it. Good thing I have fentanyl.

I couldn't take it any more, feeling like I was going to explode. I confided in my parents - albeit only told them that I had planned to kill myself in May 2023 for the last four years, not that I had a method and a plan to do it this weekend - and they told me to drop one course but continue with the others. Mother was sympathetic, father less so but then again he's never been good with emotions. They just don't get it. They're trying their best to help me and be good parents and I feel terribly guilty for being such a burden and causing them worry.

(Today he actually offered to give me his car - that I already use anyhow for free - now that it's several years old and mostly depreciated already. The idea of taking charity from my father...hell, no. I've already costed him such an astronomical amount that I'd rather not think about it. If and when I amass the funds and I still need or want a car, I will purchase it from him.)

Yes, I'm a month behind in all my courses, but I am far beyond overwhelmed by just schoolwork. I feel like I am going quite mad. Every time I muster up a drop of hope or courage to try something different for my personal life I'm reminded that I live in this society and once again I come crashing down to where death is the answer. Please, God, give me cancer. Let's play a drinking game wherein we all take a sip of N every time I beg for an easy out so I don't have to do anything myself.

I know that no matter which way I choose - whether I decide to kill myself in four days or delay further - I will beat myself up about it and consider myself weak. Taking the easy way out is weak. But it takes guts to kill oneself, guts which I don't seem to have. Thus I am weak for not killing myself. Anyone care to comment on this fantastic logic?

I vacillate back and forth. At the moment I doubt that I will go through with the plan this weekend. Insert self deprecatory tangent about how I'm a goddamn coward here. I'm looking into alternatives because I cannot go on with the status quo as is any longer. I'm a dropout with motivation and commitment issues, I've got about 2000 in the bank, have yet to do my taxes (I was planning to be dead before that became a problem), have zero skills or qualifications or even any idea as to where to start. All I know is things have to be different. Right now I'm looking into off-grid communities that already exist and sending them all a message inquiring about how to join.

 

[WadeingThru]

I will beat myself up about it and consider myself weak. Taking the easy way out is weak. But it takes guts to kill oneself, guts which I don't seem to have. Thus I am weak for not killing myself. Anyone care to comment on this fantastic logic?

Paradox

motivation and commitment issues

Two cornerstones of my personality.

I'm looking into off-grid communities that already exist and sending them all a message inquiring about how to join

This idea sounds like an adventure.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Now it's not even two hours later and I'm crying and wishing I was dead. My younger brother and his band are practising. Listening to them makes me feel like shit. I hate myself for not sticking to any instrument. They invited me to join them but my musical skill level is that of a brain damaged ant. I wish I could join them. And I hate myself for being this infantile and getting this upset simply over hearing live music.

This idea sounds like an adventure.

A completely unrealistic utopian adventure. Realising my dumb idea to run off somewhere without first-world comforts is preposterous and fanciful. Imagine, I actually thought for a moment there that it might work, that I might have a chance at a future and a useful life, or at least maybe spend the next year or two doing something meaningful and contribute to making the world a better place. Nope.

Okay, no impulsivity. If I die soon I do it according to plan. But fuck, I really wish I was dead right now.

 

[WadeingThru]

A completely unrealistic utopian adventure. Realising my dumb idea to run off somewhere without first-world comforts is preposterous and fanciful.

Rastafari that live on the mountain in Jamaica have a nice setup. I guess it's 2nd world. You would have to help make soap and jewelry to sell. They are vegetarians. It's easy to get in their grove and bang on drums.

 

[CommitSudoku]

As the date draws nearer I feel like I'm running out of time. Obviously it's arbitrary and I can die whenever, it's just the most convenient time due to university going on spring holiday. I can postpone suicide infinitely. No matter which option I choose I will feel like I'm weak. I feel horrible right now, and have been for the longest time.

This reminds me of high school, I'd always plan for the last day after a break. Especially summer break and winter break. It's so impossibly hard to go back to that tiring grind after time off. Such a tiring way to 'live' always planning just up until our 'death.' But now I take it as is, and I think it's okay whatever you decide so long as you decide it. As you said in another thread, it's okay to change your mind, and it's okay not to.

I couldn't take it any more, feeling like I was going to explode. I confided in my parents - albeit only told them that I had planned to kill myself in May 2023 for the last four years, not that I had a method and a plan to do it this weekend - and they told me to drop one course but continue with the others. Mother was sympathetic, father less so but then again he's never been good with emotions. They just don't get it. They're trying their best to help me and be good parents and I feel terribly guilty for being such a burden and causing them worry.

(Today he actually offered to give me his car - that I already use anyhow for free - now that it's several years old and mostly depreciated already. The idea of taking charity from my father...hell, no. I've already costed him such an astronomical amount that I'd rather not think about it. If and when I amass the funds and I still need or want a car, I will purchase it from him.)

Have you brought up to them the idea of a gap year or time off and seen how they react to that? I feel so guilty towards my parents as well, and for everything I've been given. But then also they did take on the responsibility of bringing us here, however we want to take that. If they didn't want some stress from children, they shouldn't have had them. It's all very hypocritical thinking. Maybe we do cause more stress than they signed up for, but stilllll I feel you on wanting to pay my parents back for things too, but it's honestly just not possible. And they might not accept it anyways. Idk what to do with that thinking. I guess just accept goodwill when it comes our ways sometimes. Life is bad enough we can maybe allow ourselves some good things, if they happen. It's very respectable wanting to pay for the car though, don't get me wrong.

I know that no matter which way I choose - whether I decide to kill myself in four days or delay further - I will beat myself up about it and consider myself weak. Taking the easy way out is weak. But it takes guts to kill oneself, guts which I don't seem to have. Thus I am weak for not killing myself. Anyone care to comment on this fantastic logic?

Yes, this is the kind of logic that kills our head. In programming, it would be an infinite loop lol

I vacillate back and forth. At the moment I doubt that I will go through with the plan this weekend. Insert self deprecatory tangent about how I'm a goddamn coward here. I'm looking into alternatives because I cannot go on with the status quo as is any longer. I'm a dropout with motivation and commitment issues, I've got about 2000 in the bank, have yet to do my taxes (I was planning to be dead before that became a problem), have zero skills or qualifications or even any idea as to where to start. All I know is things have to be different. Right now I'm looking into off-grid communities that already exist and sending them all a message inquiring about how to join.

I wonder what would happen if we let ourselves more actively pursue one of our 'alternatives.' There's nothing wrong with being a "dropout" - I know, or knew, people making it their own way without college. Knew one person who didn't finish high school and he's working hard to make up for that. The status quo sucks. Stuff like that shouldn't define you, and to some of us it won't define you at all or mean anything. If anything I appreciate the efforts you've made thus far since I feel we all deserve that since we've all probably done an incredible amount but won't tell ourselves one good thing about it. Ask your parents to help you with the taxes, it doesn't make you any less independent if you learn how to do something the right way from those with experience. If anything, it makes you better off for being willing to learn and not having the IRS knock on your door for doing it wrong. I doubt they would anyways, but most people would be flattered to show off their knowledge of how to do something. So in a way it might be a win-win, doing them with your parents together. Bonding time as the government eats your money, yum yum.
Where to start? I have no idea. Probably just with thinking. Like the post about your dreams and ideal. That's good. Start there and then do research on what's plausible or perhaps decide what you'd be willing to settle for that would be okay. What can you accept to do that makes things slightly better and is possible.

Now it's not even two hours later and I'm crying and wishing I was dead. My younger brother and his band are practising. Listening to them makes me feel like shit. I hate myself for not sticking to any instrument. They invited me to join them but my musical skill level is that of a brain damaged ant. I wish I could join them. And I hate myself for being this infantile and getting this upset simply over hearing live music.

A completely unrealistic utopian adventure. Realising my dumb idea to run off somewhere without first-world comforts is preposterous and fanciful. Imagine, I actually thought for a moment there that it might work, that I might have a chance at a future and a useful life, or at least maybe spend the next year or two doing something meaningful and contribute to making the world a better place. Nope.

I'm sorry you couldn't join them. What instrument would you have liked to play?
It's also very possible to run off to somewhere that is still first-world, just not where you are currently. Even just trying to do something else instead of college would give you a different perspective. No guarantee it would help. I think it's the right direction to consider again things like dreams if you have them. If you end up here longer, then maybe one day you'll have the energy or opportunity to do something. So it's not worthless to consider, I guess I want to say. It's okay to dream. Especially if it helps us for a bit when things are so hard and dreary already. You mentioned working at Starbucks, heck I'm sure you make a lot of people's days better already. People love their coffee. Even jobs like that are important. Maybe coffee isn't essential, but food and drinks are. Stuff like that may not be seen as glamorous work but people forget how essential it is.

I'm going to write in your other post, but I honestly just consider the dream of running away to be with a friend and taking on some minimum-wage-esque job and just finding my worth in their company. I know it's not right to put that pressure on anyone. But company + less thinking would probably do me a lot of good. And maybe less time working, but can't do that since if I am to survive, overworking is literally the only way I can rn. And there are I guess maybe a few things holding me back still. Goshdang SN shipping times-
Being serious though, thank you for posting.

 

[myopybyproxy]

@CommitSudoku I appreciate your long post, friend. I want to properly respond to it and not just skim and dash off a line or two as thanks so I'll write back later. (Just wanted to let you know so it doesn't seem like I'm ignoring you.)

As for a general update, it snowed here today and tomorrow's forecast is too cold to be waking up at 4 to bike half an hour and find a suitable vein for the injection. I haven't practised enough with the weights. This in combination with the lack of adherence to protocol, and also my profound and infinite capacity for laziness, will result in a pathetically predictable outcome wherein I once again delay the date. But anyone reading this already could have guessed that that would happen.

Somewhat on a lark / out of desperation / what the hell, why not, I applied to some of the work exchanges offered by the off grid communities whose links I posted here. The probability of any of those actually happening is low (insert excuses here). But that's something that I'm trying to keep hopeful for, though I still alternate between despair at the futility and clinging to the idea of starting anew.

Yet despite my best efforts to remain positive or at least functional or even just refrain from self-murder, the stresses keep piling up. I have to get a new phone because they decided to shut off all but 5G. So now my phone doesn't work. I have to call HR to sort out my workweek hours, to try to find a scheduling compromise that will make my parents and my boss happy and not make me go insane. I still have to file my taxes. I'm still a month behind in all my classes.

I got an email from the university informing me that I'm in danger of failing one of my classes (organic chemistry) that they send out at the halfway point in the semester. Funny to think that I had a 4.0 GPA my first year. So MuCh poTeNtiAL !!1!!11`~ gonna go bang my head against a wall now. Ability to focus is just about gone. Even writing this - I keep having to reread what I've already typed to remind myself what my point was. I listen to lectures, read assigned material, and comprehend nothing.

The multiple lacerations on my thigh from two weeks ago (not to mention scars from years ago) itch to the extent of disrupting my already poor sleep and work performance and possibly eroding the remnants of my sanity. Of course the logical reaction is to daydream of creating more. And now that I've decided to put off dying for at least another week, I have to tamp down the paranoia of having my stash discovered and binned. Need to find a better place to store it.

I'm just so tired. I'm not suited for this existence.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I set my alarm for 0350 anyway, just in case. I woke up and opened the window. Nope. Shut it and went back to sleep. Why the fuck am I like this.

Have you brought up to them the idea of a gap year or time off and seen how they react to that?

Good idea. My mother actually suggested I do that after I finish this semester. Although it's only bit over two more months, I'm crumbling faster than time passes. I don't think I will be able to make it through, at least not with my sanity or GPA intact. Even though I knew last year when I planned out the remaining semesters that by the time I took orgo, it'd be bumped down a couple notches, I'm still irrationally clinging to my grades because that's all I've ever had. I was never popular or charismatic. But everyone said I was smart and soon enough it became my identity. I never had to learn how to deal with challenges because everything I tried came easily to me, and if it didn't, I would immediately drop it.

Yes, this is the kind of logic that kills our head. In programming, it would be an infinite loop lol

I'm full of infinite loops and contradictions. How do you break an infinite loop? Both the figurative sort and the programming sort.

I wonder what would happen if we let ourselves more actively pursue one of our 'alternatives.' ...Ask your parents to help you with the taxes, it doesn't make you any less independent if you learn how to do something the right way from those with experience.

Less financial stability and probably more stress. But the 9-5 status quo is stressful in its own way, too. And yeah, about the taxes, I should just suck it up and do them with my parents so they have one less thing to deal with when I die.

I'm sorry you couldn't join them. What instrument would you have liked to play?

I used to play guitar (or rather, alternate between the same five open chords) and sing (but I hate my voice, three cheers for dysphoria). When I was a kid I had a fantasy of becoming a famous musician. Not really possible when you never practise. I realised I live more in my head than I do in my real life...That's just depressing.

It's also very possible to run off to somewhere that is still first-world, just not where you are currently. Even just trying to do something else instead of college would give you a different perspective. No guarantee it would help. I think it's the right direction to consider again things like dreams if you have them. If you end up here longer, then maybe one day you'll have the energy or opportunity to do something. So it's not worthless to consider, I guess I want to say. It's okay to dream. Especially if it helps us for a bit when things are so hard and dreary already. You mentioned working at Starbucks, heck I'm sure you make a lot of people's days better already. People love their coffee. Even jobs like that are important. Maybe coffee isn't essential, but food and drinks are. Stuff like that may not be seen as glamorous work but people forget how essential it is.

Yeah, I wanted to join the military but when I began looking into it I found out that because of my history of mental unhealth, I'd be automatically disqualified. There's also vocational school but the idea of anything related to school makes me recoil. To be honest I'm unaware of much of the alternatives. Thanks for the reminder.

The stratified ladder model that Western society employs taught me that there are only two possibilities. You can be a criminal/homeless/a junkie/prostitute etc, or you can be a decent and hardworking person trying to get to the top via career paths of varying 'goodness' (in order of how good they are): blue collar (construction, lawn maintenance, trucker, retail or fast food), public service (police, military, firefighter, social worker, government official, teacher) and approximately equally 'good', vocational (plumbing, electrician, carpenter), and finally the holy grail (doctor, lawyer, business CEO). Then there are a few people who go beyond that and become super famous, ie politicians, actors, rock stars. Those were all the options I knew of. And none of them seemed like viable options to me.

I know it's not right to put that pressure on anyone. But company + less thinking would probably do me a lot of good. And maybe less time working, but can't do that since if I am to survive, overworking is literally the only way I can rn.

That's what stops me from maintaining relationships. I tell myself that I shouldn't burden other people with my bullshit, even though I also agree with your second sentence (in the quote). It's seems impossible to dig yourself out once you fall into this sort of pit.

You mean financial survival or mental survival or both?

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm just so tired. I'm not suited for this existence.

Same.

Ugh I deleted my thought out response lol guess that's a sign to be more concise.

You've got a lot more going for you than just grades, but I can relate to thinking they're everything. Took a while before the saying I heard at my college sunk in, "Cs get degrees." It sucks how society and specifically school doesn't teach us as much as they should in a lot of areas. Like how to pursue happiness, or what that even is, for one.

You mean financial survival or mental survival or both?

My jobs force me to do something and I feel I have to be responsible so physical survival. They don't help with mental survival, I'm not sure anything can. Basically I tell myself I shouldn't off myself while on the clock and that I have to be productive. That's getting much harder, but without this filling of time I'd be even less of whatever thing I am now. And the thought of being even worse and probably not dead is horrendous. I'd rather have a nice image before I die lol

Best wishes and I hope you'll post more updates, whether I'm here or not to read them.

 

[myopybyproxy]

My entire life I have been waiting for my life to start. Tired of existing on other people's terms. And yet here we are. I've had these exact same thoughts for years. Still no change. What will it take for me to fucking do something already? I hate this limbo purgatory.

Still haven't done the two week protocol but the weather is improving. Slight chance of dying this Sunday! Very slight. Probably not. Sigh. I hate myself. All the possibilities of treatment or whatever are six weeks away at minimum, and that's a gamble on if they will even help. The longer I live, the more I burden my family in every way imaginable. Why the fuck am I like this. I should have been a miscarriage.

Fanciful ideas I've had since I was a child - all require some combination of money, social skills / networking (kill me now), task-specific skills, and commitment ie actually finishing/following through on something:
- publish things
-- a novel, short stories, screenplay
-- music, also be in a band
- invent stuff and patent them
- live off the grid with loved ones maybe in a small community and be entirely self sufficient
-- have a garden of papaver somniferum, berries, herbs and other greens
- change policy and thereby society
- keep rats and/or mice and do research with them (how does varying their nutrition and environment affect particular tasks and overall wellbeing? what happens if they eat edibles? and more things I haven't thought of yet)
- adopt and/or foster children
-- somehow prevent children from being born to horrid parents
- become a doctor! a politician! an actor! a scientist! a dictator! a lawyer! a human being!

Fuck, at this point I'll settle for being a human being. For most of my life I've just been a vague blob of problems and loathing.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I don't feel I have much to ever say in response, but I just want you to know I've read all of your posts in this thread. I've had the thread followed since you started it, so I get notified when there's a new post.

I'm so sorry you're suffering.

 

[CommitSudoku]

What will it take for me to fucking do something already? I hate this limbo purgatory.

You are always doing something and actually doing a lot of somethings already. Every day as soon as you bring yourself to do more than breathing, you're doing something. And you work and do school as well, and probably are at the whims of your parents sometimes. Unfortunately those just become background threads (lol programming term that doesn't really fit, sorry), and they aren't very fulfilling. Indeed, they tend to be draining. You have done things though by looking into alternatives to try. It sucks they're so far away, but hey I haven't ever even looked into communities much less reached out. I don't know what it would take for you. I don't even know that for myself. I suppose we'll both float in purgatory as of yet.

Fanciful ideas I've had since I was a child - all require some combination of money, social skills / networking (kill me now), task-specific skills, and commitment ie actually finishing/following through on something:
- publish things
-- a novel, short stories, screenplay
-- music, also be in a band
- invent stuff and patent them
- live off the grid with loved ones maybe in a small community and be entirely self sufficient
-- have a garden of papaver somniferum, berries, herbs and other greens
- change policy and thereby society
- keep rats and/or mice and do research with them (how does varying their nutrition and environment affect particular tasks and overall wellbeing? what happens if they eat edibles? and more things I haven't thought of yet)
- adopt and/or foster children
-- somehow prevent children from being born to horrid parents
- become a doctor! a politician! an actor! a scientist! a dictator! a lawyer! a human being!

Of these, I feel two are still definitely possible though. You could definitely make a garden you'd probably just need to live alone unless it works where you live currently. And same for keeping rats. I'm not sure about feeding them edibles though. I suppose the biggest limitation does still become time though if you need to live alone and have no hope of that anytime soon. Perhaps even if the communities don't accept you you can see about rooming with someone else for some time and thus still try a few things with a bit more freedom. I mean if you end up stuck anyways, maybe you can use it as motivation to at least go somewhere else even if it isn't as off-grid as you'd like. Just thoughts. The first two points I also dreamed about, once upon a time. For the last point, did you truly desire to be any of those (omitting the human being)? Just curious.

Here's a thought: maybe none of us are human beings. We're all just bots since this site didn't make us click a captcha before posting lol

I haven't drunk anything yet tonight but I apologize for my conduct haha I feel all over the place, perhaps exhaustion fits in place of drunkenness.

I don't feel I have much to ever say in response, but I just want you to know I've read all of your posts in this thread. I've had the thread followed since you started it, so I get notified when there's a new post.

Also thank you, I honestly never knew threads could be followed. No wonder I never get notifications. This post was very helpful to me, just wanted to say that as well.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I don't feel I have much to ever say in response, but I just want you to know I've read all of your posts in this thread. I've had the thread followed since you started it, so I get notified when there's a new post.

I'm so sorry you're suffering.

Thank you for your presence. It means a lot to me that you followed and took the time to respond at all. I hope you're okay as can be.

You are always doing something and actually doing a lot of somethings already. Every day as soon as you bring yourself to do more than breathing, you're doing something. And you work and do school as well, and probably are at the whims of your parents sometimes. Unfortunately those just become background threads (lol programming term that doesn't really fit, sorry), and they aren't very fulfilling. Indeed, they tend to be draining. You have done things though by looking into alternatives to try.

Agh, you know what I mean. DOING SOMETHING. I guess - fulfilling, as you put it. But even looking into alternatives - that's all that I did. There is still no real change in my day to day life. Everything is exactly the same as it always has been. That is what frustrates me. And the most pathetic part is, I have only myself to blame.

Of these, I feel two are still definitely possible though. You could definitely make a garden you'd probably just need to live alone unless it works where you live currently. And same for keeping rats. I'm not sure about feeding them edibles though. I suppose the biggest limitation does still become time though if you need to live alone and have no hope of that anytime soon. Perhaps even if the communities don't accept you you can see about rooming with someone else for some time and thus still try a few things with a bit more freedom. I mean if you end up stuck anyways, maybe you can use it as motivation to at least go somewhere else even if it isn't as off-grid as you'd like. Just thoughts. The first two points I also dreamed about, once upon a time. For the last point, did you truly desire to be any of those (omitting the human being)? Just curious.

My family had a small garden for a bit. Honestly I just haven't got the energy or motivation to do anything differently. I could have an entirely different lifestyle if I really wanted it. I could do almost all of those without living alone. I'm just lazy.

What happened for you that ended that once upon a time?

Yes, I had wanted to be all of those at some point. I was informally involved with most of them - taking courses (which I then dropped or did poorly in) to prepare for medical school, studying for the law exams (that period of actively preparing lasted about a week IIRC, then it was just back to fantasising again), acting in school productions, doing a brief summer stint of 'lab' work with a professor at my university. Politician and dictator I've not had much experience with, informal or otherwise - those are just pipe dreams.

Here's a thought: maybe none of us are human beings. We're all just bots since this site didn't make us click a captcha before posting lol

I haven't drunk anything yet tonight but I apologize for my conduct haha I feel all over the place, perhaps exhaustion fits in place of drunkenness.

I do feel like I'm not truly human sometimes. Perhaps an alien or robot.

I recall reading somewhere that a certain level of sleep deprivation equates to a particular BAC. So after enough time without sleep, you technically are drunk haha.

 

[WadeingThru]

Slight chance of dying this Sunday!

I hope this is not the path taken. I hear what you're saying and it sounds like you are wandering through life looking for a purpose. Something that fulfills you, makes you happy.

The journey of life life is long and slow. Look for the small wins that make you happy in the moment. Making a commitment is hard and following through is even harder.

I don't can't even finish this thought.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I haven't written here because every day is the same. I think the same thoughts - play the same game of wanting to be dead but not making it happen and hoping I drop dead due to sudden mysterious rare illness.

I don't really like coke - since the first time I tried it in February, after those weeks I've not done any more - but maybe if I take enough I'll have another seizure and die. No. I've seen the effects of severe seizures. I don't want to be retarded and crippled for the remainder of my pathetic life - unable to kill myself for real or have even the chance of completing my fantasies. As it is now, I don't progress toward them, but at least I have the PoTenTiAL. That's something. Although I also berate myself for not doing anything with all this goddamn pOTeNtiaL. There is no winning.

I am a snake eating its own tail. A dog eating its own vomit. I don't know why I am like this and I don't know if it even matters.

I feel bad for posting this toxic drivel. Hopefully no one reads it. I've been getting fatter and with every passing day I hate myself more and find this skin suit less tolerable to inhabit.

Everything is boring. I am so numb I could stab myself without flinching, if only I had the energy or courage to bother.

My brain hurts for no good reason. Just foggy and headachey as usual. My eyes hurt too. I need to get my ortho-k contact lenses changed but I can't because I'm not sleeping enough - it'd be a waste of time and money. Been toying with the idea of using the methadone that I have. Even with the sterilisation, it probably will become less potent. It's so diluted I'd have to drink 18mL to get 5mL worth - at least, the original 5 mL which was probably diluted before I purchased it already. There's only about 5 more doses there anyway. I can space them out - once a week at minimum - and buy more later. Do I sound like I'm rationalising and trying to justify my stupidity? Is it working?

So much for having no drugs giving me another reason to die - I purchased two inhalers. Doing an experiment this time - determine which is better. 50mg levmetamfetamin (levorotatory enantiomer of crystal meth - the less fun isomer according the interwebz) versus 250mg propylhexedrine. Assuming an extraction rate of 80%, and some mechanical loss due to container transfer, this will be 38mg l-meth vs 190mg propylhex. Will report back regarding the bioassay.

If I decide to give treatment a go - there will be an available bed in late May. Did I say six weeks earlier? I mistyped. More like eight or nine weeks. And I don't even know if I want to recover. Sometimes I do. But then I never do anything about it, or if I do, it doesn't last longer than a few days. Most of the time I don't. I just want to be dead somehow without expending any effort. The extent of my laziness shocks even me. Partly it is fear I will fail - and uncertainty that I'm ready - but with what I have, I shouldn't fail. And I know I'll never be ready. Here we go again trying to talk myself into dragging myself out of this quagmire - whether to wash off or hurl myself off a cliff, still yet to decide.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

...we go again trying to talk myself into dragging myself out of this quagmire - whether to wash off or hurl myself off a cliff, still yet to decide.

I've heard before about intelligent people with racing persevering thoughts. Honestly I avoided college strictly due to my anxiety and went straight for a low-wage job in my small town but (not saying I'm smart) your situation just sounds incredibly stressful financially. I struggled with coping with the human ant farm just having to take some little exam for promotion.

Don't be afraid to aim low. A man once told me that and it was a relief to have an authority figure give permission to accept less than an idealistically successful life. Remember 'twill all be the same a thousand years hence.

 

[downndone2]

Sounds like a really complicated plan and I'm surprised you heart isnt beating out of you chest with the fasting, some the meds, caffeine, and salty intake you mention.
Do you have fentanyl IV or are you crushing tabs and mixing? 3gm of fentanyl should easily do it

 

[myopybyproxy]

I've heard before about intelligent people with racing persevering thoughts. Honestly I avoided college strictly due to my anxiety and went straight for a low-wage job in my small town but (not saying I'm smart) your situation just sounds incredibly stressful financially. I struggled with coping with the human ant farm just having to take some little exam for promotion.

Don't be afraid to aim low. A man once told me that and it was a relief to have an authority figure give permission to accept less than an idealistically successful life. Remember 'twill all be the same a thousand years hence.

Have you by any chance heard about how they manage to deal with it?

Fair enough. Secondary education isn't for everyone. I'm unsure if I am in that category of 'everyone'. Thankfully I still live with my parents and they pay my bills - as much as it embarrasses me to admit.

That's a perspective I've yet to hear. My immediate reaction is to reject it, because I have the aforementioned fantasy versions of life in my head and I don't think I would be happy if I 'settled' for the sort of situation you described - at least not for the next five decades. I could probably bear it another year or so. That was my original plan anyway.

I know it won't matter in even a hundred years. But for the duration of my stay on this planet, I want it to be fulfilling and somewhat comfortable yet also with mild challenges / adventures. Of course that could be interpreted in any number of ways. I don't really care about traditional measures of 'success' such as fame and money. Obviously it would be nice to be uber-wealthy, because unfortunately we live in a society where money is power - but as far as lifestyle I mostly want to be self sufficient and live close to nature as much as possible. Which to some extent also requires money.

Not sure what I was trying to say here. I think I was roundaboutly dismissing your idea without explicitly saying that. Maybe it works for other people - and it seems to be working for you, which is good - but I don't think it would for me. Because I'm speshul. Smh. Why am I like this.

Sounds like a really complicated plan and I'm surprised you heart isnt beating out of you chest with the fasting, some the meds, caffeine, and salty intake you mention.
Do you have fentanyl IV or are you crushing tabs and mixing? 3gm of fentanyl should easily do it

Thanks for the feedback. Your body actually needs a certain balance of sodium for optimal heart health and survival - too much or too little is not good. I've fasted in the past (24-144 hours) and by now have a fairly decent feel for when my body is lacking salt. If you eat too much salt, just drink water and have potassium (baked potato with skin, leafy greens, legumes) to balance it out.

I have powder to be dissolved and IVed. You are right - however, I don't have 3g of pure fentanyl. I have 3g of powder that in small batches (0.2-3g) tested positive for fentanyl. The test strips detect 20ug in 1mL of water, which means that if I used too little water for each test, it could be a false positive. And of course I didn't measure the water because why would I think ahead like that? Obviously it's best to toss random things together and hope everything works out. Ugh.

Assuming one false positive out of 14 tests and the others are the minimum, I have 260ug. That should still be enough (if I avoid using up the dilute methadone, thereby building tolerance), but now I have to figure out how to get all the powder to dissolve into 3mL and then how to push it fast enough. Even without filtering it will still be messy and knowing me I will somehow fuck it up or spill it down my shirt. As it is I'm so slow that when I did coke I would sometimes feel a bellringer coming on not even halfway through the shot - but that could also be because the shot was incredibly concentrated. But even with saline I keep losing the place and then having to hunt around to reregister - and if it hasn't already clotted by then, the shot is too dark to even detect the register.

I need to practise more. I should probably also drink more water. That would help.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

Have you by any chance heard about how they manage to deal with it?

I can't remember if they mentioned that, that part didn't imprint in my memory. I was drawn just to the idea of having unbidden thoughts as that's a contributing factor to my inability to focus on what others tell me.

Your dismissal is perfectly fair. I gave up on achieving what I wanted with my life because the more difficult goals were frankly out of reach no matter what I did and the intermediate goals didn't seem to me worth the effort. The world needs doctors but putting in the effort to become the billionth doctor the world has seen didn't really sound inspiring to me. I'd rather just perform menial tasks and live inside of dreams until the day I die which will most certainly be the day the second of my parents pass away. All of this rationalizing served well my desire to avoid situations where I could fail, as well, so that's a bonus.

I've just seen it so often where people try hard to achieve what they want in life and fall drastically short. There was a person when I was younger whom I aspired to imitate because they were knowledgeable and eloquent and I was sure they would go far. Despite all my expectations, they really didn't "make it" and gave up, but they ended up married, so I'm guessing they re-assessed like I did and decided that there were other things they could settle for. That "settling" is something that appears to me eerily common, though I'm sure there are plenty of people who achieve exactly what they want if they have a decent job and a family and don't consider it settling at all.

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting clear of this ghastly rock and exiting the circus early if it's not what you wanted. Like I said I'm absolutely gonna jet before senescence takes me as I already know there's nothing waiting for me. I can recall days where I would come home from work with the evening gloom filtering into my bedroom and cry myself to sleep. Nothing has changed from those days and I'm just as bored as then but I've become inured to the boredom and I would like to allow my body to become decrepit enough to know for sure that the best has come and gone already.

Sheesh sorry for talking about myself so much and for not remembering what that guy said. He was an alcoholic for what it's worth.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I've just seen it so often where people try hard to achieve what they want in life and fall drastically short.

True. I know that for myself at least, not even trying is a protective mechanism against this. Because when I fail to reach any goals, I can point to 'I didn't even try' as an excuse. Otherwise I would have the uncomfortable truth to acknowledge: trying gets you nowhere.

I can recall days where I would come home from work with the evening gloom filtering into my bedroom and cry myself to sleep. Nothing has changed from those days and I'm just as bored as then but I've become inured to the boredom and I would like to allow my body to become decrepit enough to know for sure that the best has come and gone already.

Sheesh sorry for talking about myself so much and for not remembering what that guy said. He was an alcoholic for what it's worth.

Did I make another account and write this? Because same.

I'm not sure I'll ever fully become inured to the boredom. And I'm not sure I'd manage to survive that many years until my body started to get the memo. I'd have to take up partying like it's my job - I've heard good things about meth. Now if only I knew where to get it. There doesn't seem to be any around where I am. Time to channel my inner Walter White? I'm more like Jesse, though. Knowing me, I would probably just have an inconvenient minor injury or end up imprisoned but still healthy.

No worries. Humans are self centred - that's how we're biologically wired to be sure we pass on our genetics to the next generation. Reproduction, hooray.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I don't really like coke - since the first time I tried it in February, after those weeks I've not done any more

Rereading - to clarify since can't edit that post - first time I IVed it was in February. First time I tried it was in October 2021 wherein I used maybe twice up until last month.

Not really relevant but whatever.

At any given moment, my thoughts consist of the following at varying ratios: drugs / self sabotage / a paradoxical mix of self hatred and self pity / self harm / frustration regarding my issues with food / weight / shape / body image and composition / fitness / gender and overall dysphoria / hatred of necessity for physical form / disappointment toward and hatred of society / desire for things to be different / desire to be unconscious or dead / planning and thinking through methods and practical details.

Plus random intrusive thoughts and paranoia - and on occasion, a rare libido (and with that, another rabbit hole of bullshit) - but those are not the main events.

Yet another frustrated, empty, meaningless post from me. Hooray.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

disappointment toward and hatred of society

Do you ever spend time imagining that you were all-powerful and could shape human society the way you want?

 

[CommitSudoku]

Agh, you know what I mean. DOING SOMETHING. I guess - fulfilling, as you put it. But even looking into alternatives - that's all that I did. There is still no real change in my day to day life. Everything is exactly the same as it always has been. That is what frustrates me. And the most pathetic part is, I have only myself to blame.

What happened for you that ended that once upon a time?

Sorry for responding late. I am mentally hitting myself. I still would say you do a ton more than I do even considering alternatives and doing research. I feel stuck here and now I probably will be many times yet I don't try at all. Making a change is hard, but you are doing some first step in a good direction when looking in to some things. In my opinion, anyways. For the question, I don't know honestly at this point. It was just a steady decline of when I decided to off myself in high school and went all in to that. It didn't work so I forced myself to college. I even tried for a bit to make my life worth continuing and having a reason, but then it ended up crashing down and there was just a continuous lack of time and energy and ability. I feel like surviving I continually lost some part of me that was at least creative even if death-desiring, it had motivation and ideas. The college-me just lost that and slowly lost interest and desires and enjoyment to the point I'm at now. I really like what you write, there's not enough time to answer as much as I'd like and it would be annoying as well.

Agh, you know what I mean. DOING SOMETHING. I guess - fulfilling, as you put it. But even looking into alternatives - that's all that I did. There is still no real change in my day to day life. Everything is exactly the same as it always has been. That is what frustrates me. And the most pathetic part is, I have only myself to blame.

What happened for you that ended that once upon a time?

Sorry for responding late. I am mentally hitting myself. I still would say you do a ton more than I do even considering alternatives and doing research. I feel stuck here and now I probably will be many times yet I don't try at all. Making a change is hard, but you are doing some first step in a good direction when looking in to some things. In my opinion, anyways. For the question, I don't know honestly at this point. It was just a steady decline of when I decided to off myself in high school and went all in to that. It didn't work so I forced myself to college. I even tried for a bit to make my life worth continuing and having a reason, but then it ended up crashing down and there was just a continuous lack of time and energy and ability. I feel like while surviving I continually lost some part of me that was at least creative even if death-desiring, it had motivation and ideas. The college-me just lost that and slowly lost interest and desires and enjoyment to the point I'm at now. Maybe it was the fact of going to college and accepting a course of life I was always doomed to hate too.

I feel bad for posting this toxic drivel. Hopefully no one reads it.

I for one really enjoy your writing, even if it does show the pain/stress you're constantly under.

If I decide to give treatment a go - there will be an available bed in late May.

What does a bed mean in this context? I'm unsure, might be obvious but I'm also oblivious.

I've heard before about intelligent people with racing persevering thoughts. Honestly I avoided college strictly due to my anxiety and went straight for a low-wage job in my small town but (not saying I'm smart) your situation just sounds incredibly stressful financially. I struggled with coping with the human ant farm just having to take some little exam for promotion.

Don't be afraid to aim low. A man once told me that and it was a relief to have an authority figure give permission to accept less than an idealistically successful life. Remember 'twill all be the same a thousand years hence.

I like what you wrote, I wish that was something they could teach at school - that there are other options, really. No one has ever told me it's okay to aim low, usually just to "try my best" which I'm not sure what that is anymore. I like what you mentioned, it's a good thought to consider.

Obviously it would be nice to be uber-wealthy, because unfortunately we live in a society where money is power - but as far as lifestyle I mostly want to be self sufficient and live close to nature as much as possible. Which to some extent also requires money.

There's some paradox or something in there, that to be self sufficient we first have to get enough money which possibly requires some sort of self-sufficiency as well if we have limited help.

At any given moment, my thoughts consist of the following at varying ratios: drugs / self sabotage / a paradoxical mix of self hatred and self pity / self harm / frustration regarding my issues with food / weight / shape / body image and composition / fitness / gender and overall dysphoria / hatred of necessity for physical form / disappointment toward and hatred of society / desire for things to be different / desire to be unconscious or dead / planning and thinking through methods and practical details.

I'm sorry you have to deal with thoughts of these on a constant basis. When our minds are so imprisoning, I wonder how to ever really escape without going the most fatal route. And there never seems to be enough energy/motivation/ability to do much to help or change.

 

[lyles]

I just found all of this tonight and I find myself admiring you a lot, actually. I am horribly sad that you are suffering the way that you are, I wish I had some sort of solution to offer you. But I would like to thank you for the time you put in here, recording your thoughts and journey. I am sorry you are suffering but a part of me is glad you are alive, at least to be able to talk to you here now.

I don't know your full journey I wouldn't presume to know wholly what you are feeling. But as an AFAB trans person with various weight and mental health issues, I can sympathize with points you have expressed. I do think there's hope that can be made, but it is always something that comes back down to choice for everyone.

Whatever path you follow, I am happy to have gotten to share this portion of our lives together in this small little way. It has made mine more meaningful, hearing your thoughts and experience. You express it in ways that I think are really eloquent. I am sending you my best of love and wishes.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Do you ever spend time imagining that you were all-powerful and could shape human society the way you want?

Yep. I even had a little fantasy of being a world dictator for a bit, but it's so unrealistic that I don't really think about it any more. It's probably concerning that I share similar euthanistic views with the Nazis and have the pipe dream of being Hitler 2.0 eheheh... only major difference is I lack the charisma and hate / rage / passion necessary to succeed in that endeavour.

Sorry for responding late. I am mentally hitting myself. I still would say you do a ton more than I do even considering alternatives and doing research. I feel stuck here and now I probably will be many times yet I don't try at all. Making a change is hard, but you are doing some first step in a good direction when looking in to some things. In my opinion, anyways. For the question, I don't know honestly at this point. It was just a steady decline of when I decided to off myself in high school and went all in to that. It didn't work so I forced myself to college. I even tried for a bit to make my life worth continuing and having a reason, but then it ended up crashing down and there was just a continuous lack of time and energy and ability. I feel like while surviving I continually lost some part of me that was at least creative even if death-desiring, it had motivation and ideas. The college-me just lost that and slowly lost interest and desires and enjoyment to the point I'm at now. Maybe it was the fact of going to college and accepting a course of life I was always doomed to hate too.

Don't apologise, you're fine. Sure, I consider alternatives - that's all I ever do - consider. I live my entire life in my head. My lack of action frustrates me.

I feel that about the continuous lack of time and energy. Even though I'm technically still young by modern society's life expectancy standard, I feel like I'm running out of time. Steady decline coupled with the loss of creativity rather accurately describes my path thus far as well. The last part - resigning yourself to a way of living that you hate - is depressing and terrifying. I admire your strength in making it as far as you have. I know I couldn't - and I think that, in conjunction with my innate laziness, is why I'm fighting so hard to find alternatives and get away from school - because some tiny part of my subconscious has its vise grip on my survival instinct and it knows that if I continue the way I've been going, I will die - the only question is when. Unless I can somehow get away from all this and rebuild - create a life that I actually want to live.

But the revolving door of 'treatment' also falls under the aforementioned category of 'way of living that I hate'. So unless I find an alternative recovery means, or spontaneously remit whatever cancer of the soul I've got - I don't see many realistic options that don't imminently involve death if not otherwise demise. Apologies for the double negative.

What does a bed mean in this context? I'm unsure, might be obvious but I'm also oblivious.

A place in the facility. That is, they have the space to intake another patient.

I like what you wrote, I wish that was something they could teach at school - that there are other options, really. No one has ever told me it's okay to aim low, usually just to "try my best" which I'm not sure what that is anymore. I like what you mentioned, it's a good thought to consider.

Same. I have never understood the phrase 'try your best' because how is anyone to know what their best is? I always think I can be trying harder.

I just found all of this tonight and I find myself admiring you a lot, actually. I am horribly sad that you are suffering the way that you are, I wish I had some sort of solution to offer you. But I would like to thank you for the time you put in here, recording your thoughts and journey. I am sorry you are suffering but a part of me is glad you are alive, at least to be able to talk to you here now.

I don't know your full journey I wouldn't presume to know wholly what you are feeling. But as an AFAB trans person with various weight and mental health issues, I can sympathize with points you have expressed. I do think there's hope that can be made, but it is always something that comes back down to choice for everyone.

Whatever path you follow, I am happy to have gotten to share this portion of our lives together in this small little way. It has made mine more meaningful, hearing your thoughts and experience. You express it in ways that I think are really eloquent. I am sending you my best of love and wishes.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad my ravings have meant something positive to you.

Might I ask what means you use to alleviate the weight and shape dysphoria? Feel free to DM if not comfortable sharing in the open. I only ask so that perhaps I may utilise a strategy of which I'd been previously unaware. There are so many things I don't know. With the amount of information that exists, it's absurd that people ever try to learn anything at all. Do you ever contemplate how many things there are in the universe - both tangible items and semantic knowledge bits? My withered bean becomes overwhelmed by it. Sometimes even walking into the grocery I marvel at how many items exist. Or travelling a large distance and realising how vast our single planet is - and then that there are many more planets across an inconceivably vast amount of empty space - or seeing some people on the street and realising there are over eight billion more spirits who all have hopes and struggles and occasional flatulence?

Sorry, I went on a tangent. I'm not even high right now - shocker. Have some stream-of-consciousness verbal diarrhoea, freshly steaming. XD

 

[myopybyproxy]

Update: 20g too large - difficult to prepare and execute one handed, too much liquid wasted - large dead space, squirt when assembling and tapping out air bubbles. Will try 22g then 23g.