Venting can't believe I'm (not) going to ctb

[sanctionedusage]

Coming out of the craze of an acute plan I would've expected to 'come home' to something, and there was nothing/no one. I think fiction does a better job at keeping me around than people ever did. I'm so at peace watching pirated shows from before I was born at 2 in the morning alone.

It's jarring to see everything I did to get to this point, totally intentionally. I got rid of each and every person around me since I was 17. The attitude was there since before I ever even knew I was serious about killing myself. I had no reason to deny myself a boyfriend, a best friend, college, access to drugs/alcohol, clothes, help and support, some fucking furniture. Anything I could've looked forward to felt ridiculous to have and I couldn't explain why. That feeling only got stronger over the years as the urge articulated itself properly, that superior 'other thing' I really wanted to pursue, above all those trivial experiences I'd rejected.

It feels like I'm constantly experiencing the call of the void, even when I think I'm nowhere near it. I genuinely feel completely fine, and I almost always do. I can't notice anything wrong but I know I'm always potentially 10 minutes from hanging myself in the closet. I think I've committed to this end so much more than I think I have, because I usually only count buying the rope & learning the knot.

I've never wrecked things as thoroughly as I have now. I'm looking at 10, 15, up to 20 personal relationships I've killed in the last few years for this, at least 10 of those explicitly with ctb in mind. I'm beyond late in life, in all things education and independence. One more year and I'll officially have stagnated over 20% of my life. I can't bring myself to open my fucking email and make the one click to move things along in either of those departments. The only texts/calls I ever get are from my laser tech, to whom I admitted today that I've completely lost the last 4 years of my life. I have the saddest life I could ever dream of. But I barely even care. I'm in no hurry to help it along, either for improvement or merciful euthanasia. I have never been more alone. There IS no turning back at this point. Im so apathetic and weak spirited at this point, I don't know if I'll even do it before natural causes do first.

And even though I've reduced myself to this speck of dust, somehow, people are still threatened by me. Still got it.

 

[wine is fine but]

i am glad you are still here - most probably, that is at least partly through selfish thoughts, but it is so good to still have you here

i think most of us can relate to your post. having a get out clause in our lives, can help massively in some ways, but sadly it also gets in the way of living our life. it is easy for me to type, just go and try to enjoy whatever time you have left, but it is also very difficult for me to take my own advice in that situation

one problem we have is due to our get out clause from life, we do not tend to plan too far into the future, if at all. that in itself makes it impossible to live life to the fullest, because how can plans come to fruition if we do not allow ourselves to have them. the question of where do you see yourself in 5/10 years cannot be answered by me, because there is a good chance i know exactly where i will be. there is an equally good chance, i will still be on this planet, but the fact i may not be, means there are no real plans, if the second options happens. and then, i am a further 5-10 years behind where i should be. it feels like there is no winning at all, but even those who allegedly enjoy life would feel those things too

i do think many of us here are afraid of being successful at anything, be it at work, with friendships, or relationships, because that will compromise our wish to leave the world. our situation is a double edged sword. with our "death wish", we cannot live life to the fullest, but without it, then the world becomes much scarier, because if things go wrong, we no longer have the safety net of our get out clause. and sadly, most of us here, even if eternal optimists are at the very least realists, and realise that we will get some curve balls thrown at us, which will seem insurmountable to us, even if other "normal" people see them as nothing at all

i do not know how old you are, nor do i need to know, but most women suggest that their do not really start enjoying life until their 30's and even later. maybe that sounds too far away, but their point is, that by then, they have stopped worrying about the things that do not matter and have learned how to live. perhaps in a worst case scenario, pick yourself a date to go to the bus stop, and promise yourself, that you will live your life to the fullest until that day. similar to like someone who has been given a terminal diagnosis. just try and enjoy the little things, like sunrises, sunsets, sights, smells and tastes; also the best of any of the people you meet, while dismissing the worst of them. perhaps on the date you chose, you might want to postpone your trip to the bus stop, and that is great. even if you do still choose that day, any second you have been happy before hand, is one second that you have not been sad, unhappy or even devastated. live sucks, but it is all we really do have, so any form of happiness is worth striving for. you deserve to be happy, and hopefully have been, and will be many more times from now

and for what it is worth, i feel i have only been living since december 2023. previous to that i was certainly just existing. i have been very, very lucky in my life. for the things that matter, i am the luckiest person ever, and yet i am still on this site, and joined 1.5 years after starting to live. i have always been employed, and have my dream car, met my dream girl in 2005 at 35 and we have our 20th anniversary on tuesday. my baby and i have our 39th anniversary in 24 days time. to the outsider, life seemed great, and in reality, was/should have been (but for that dastardly get out clause and lack of social skills). i slaved away for little to almost no pay until 2020, and while i had a house that i/we owe more on now, than i paid for it 26 years ago, i was going backwards. then through knowing someone, i finally got into a job that paid what everyone else seemed to be getting paid, and am now in a much better position. i have lovingly wasted copious amounts of money on my baby since then, and we have a second house now. my adhd medication was changed in december 2023, hence why i have been living since then. things can change in the blink of an eye. the thoughts of a get out clause probably never will, but sometimes, just out of the blue, things happen which can make things bearable. they may never happen, but they may, so if you have doubts about making the trek to the bus stop, perhaps trying to live your life and take in the little things will make your existence a little better and worth making the effort for - once again; you deserve to be happy and to have the best this life can offer you. just be your own best friend and hopefully everything else might start to follow

 

[medinjured521]

Coming out of the craze of an acute plan I would've expected to 'come home' to something, and there was nothing/no one. I think fiction does a better job at keeping me around than people ever did. I'm so at peace watching pirated shows from before I was born at 2 in the morning alone.

It's jarring to see everything I did to get to this point, totally intentionally. I got rid of each and every person around me since I was 17. The attitude was there since before I ever even knew I was serious about killing myself. I had no reason to deny myself a boyfriend, a best friend, college, access to drugs/alcohol, clothes, help and support, some fucking furniture. Anything I could've looked forward to felt ridiculous to have and I couldn't explain why. That feeling only got stronger over the years as the urge articulated itself properly, that superior 'other thing' I really wanted to pursue, above all those trivial experiences I'd rejected.

It feels like I'm constantly experiencing the call of the void, even when I think I'm nowhere near it. I genuinely feel completely fine, and I almost always do. I can't notice anything wrong but I know I'm always potentially 10 minutes from hanging myself in the closet. I think I've committed to this end so much more than I think I have, because I usually only count buying the rope & learning the knot.

I've never wrecked things as thoroughly as I have now. I'm looking at 10, 15, up to 20 personal relationships I've killed in the last few years for this, at least 10 of those explicitly with ctb in mind. I'm beyond late in life, in all things education and independence. One more year and I'll officially have stagnated over 20% of my life. I can't bring myself to open my fucking email and make the one click to move things along in either of those departments. The only texts/calls I ever get are from my laser tech, to whom I admitted today that I've completely lost the last 4 years of my life. I have the saddest life I could ever dream of. But I barely even care. I'm in no hurry to help it along, either for improvement or merciful euthanasia. I have never been more alone. There IS no turning back at this point. Im so apathetic and weak spirited at this point, I don't know if I'll even do it before natural causes do first.

And even though I've reduced myself to this speck of dust, somehow, people are still threatened by me. Still got it.

You genuinely feel fine. Keep holding onto that as that's more than you could possibly know. Just feeling okay is something so many take for granted, it's worth everything.

 

[sanctionedusage]

@wine is fine but
im happy to see you again!! you always take the time to write the sweetest encouragement! i love getting a notif from you. unfortunately the higher my age gets, the more pressured i feel to ctb, specifically because of the number. it's very much a csa thing i haven't been able to shake off in all these years, no matter how i try to reframe it or analyze it. i don't even really understand it. and im honestly uncomfortable explaining it more than i've already tried to on sasu. that, and i have recurring bouts of agoraphobia/panic disorder, probably for the rest of my life meaning i'll probably always be stuck in a loop of constant distress and then periods of uneventful, stagnant rest I'll be ecstatic with, just for not being panic-ridden. but ultimately, it's a stagnant life where I'm either disabled by panic or too winded from it to care about anything after a harrowing, 4, 8, 12+ months of nonstop mental torture and physical exertion. that said, i'm currently in a phase of calmness with no panic attacks and decreasing agoraphobia. i'm still trying to continue my life as close to normally as i can, while i can. i can't say much about how this changes my plans, as vague as they are. that's embarrassing to write.

You genuinely feel fine. Keep holding onto that as that's more than you could possibly know. Just feeling okay is something so many take for granted, it's worth everything.

i do. my point was just that even when i feel as good as i do now, it takes just a few minutes for it to switch entirely, for an indefinite amount of time and completely out of my control. at that point, how do you even know which is your true mental state and which is the temporary lapse in judgment?

 

[wine is fine but]

i don't even really understand it. and im honestly uncomfortable explaining it more than i've already tried to on sasu

i understand what you are saying (i think anyway) - i cannot explain to myself how i feel, let alone to others. i know what i feel, but even someone who tries to over analyse everything like i do, cannot explain to themselves

trying to let other people into your world in that respect is impossible, because quite simply, even if you could explain it in 10 words in the most simple way possible, no one who isn't going through what you are will still be able to understand it. i realise that it is uncomfortable to try and explain it too, because to me, there is no possible way to say it without either making it sound better than it is or worse than it is. the feeling of guilt as you try to tell someone why you are willing to throw away a life others might find perfectly good on face value is something to avoid to

i can't say much about how this changes my plans, as vague as they are. that's embarrassing to write.

once again, totally understandable - there are many potential layers involved, from potential embarrassment (no body wants to bare their soul) to the fact that even your plans may change. better to keep your cards close to your chest. no silly questions from nameless, faceless strangers in that case :)

how do you even know which is your true mental state and which is the temporary lapse in judgment?

sadly that is so true. plus it makes it much harder for those off site to understand everyone here. if the person themselves, cannot know the difference for sure, how can those who annoy us with pro life stuff. personally, while my situation may not be bad at all, i feel i have no idea what normal is. i have been seeing doctors for a "normal" type of issue lately, and now i tell them straight out, that i have no idea what normal is. and never have. i have probably had this "normal" issue for years, and now am finally starting to understand why some very sensitive parts have hurt at times. at christmas time, i had no idea that i had a 6cmx7cm abscess inside me. i was told i should have been in massive pain, but i couldn't feel it. that is what makes things so difficult. different things feel different to different people, and when we are not normal, how the hell can we explain it

many of us feel that we cannot admit a problem to ourself until we know how to fix it. i knew there was always something not right over the years, but could not admit it, or i would have just stayed inside and done nothing at all. working and sleeping isn't really much, but at least it kept a roof over my head. even that "it's okay to not be okay" line. to me that is bs, simply because once you tell yourself you are not okay, there is no coming back from it. just my silly opinion, but to me, the only time that works is when an allegedly normal person is feeling down and will feel better one day. for someone with depression, i believe i need to not dwell on it, or the rabbit hole it takes me down will become deeper and deeper. i am just lucky that i have found an angel of a doctor who listens and thinks outside her own little square. without her, i would not have been around long ago