I've been suicidal for the majority of my life. For the past year I have been planning an attempt I knew was probably going to fail. The goal was honestly to be on the brink of death and hospitalized. I guess I just wanted attention. My method was going to be taking 1000 OTC pills and alcohol. Obviously, when I posted about it people told me not to as it's considered a non method. I always knew it was, part of me chose this method because I guess I didn't really want to die. Even though I chose a method considered not lethal, I still couldn't build the courage to do it for over a year. Every day I told myself: I'll kill myself tonight. I gave myself the worse possible year but I didn't care because I lived every day with the mindset that I'll be dead tomorrow. I even made my life terrible in every way possible just for motivation to kill myself, I couldn't and I hate myself for it.
I promised myself I would die before my birthday. My birthday is June 17. Every day for the past year has felt like a countdown, and now I only have 3 more days to kill myself. I can't fail. I have to kill myself. This is why I am not going to do the pill method. Even though I've spent hundreds of dollars on preparation (medicine is expensive here), and many hours of research. All of my efforts will be for nothing as I can't even attempt this method because I need a guaranteed quick method instead. Because of this, I think I'm going to hang myself. I've spent so little time researching other methods so I'm scared to try, but I must. I'm going to do partial suspension I think.
I had a fantasy of how I would die though. I would like to share it. I live with my parents, so I would sneak out in the middle of the night and take a bus out of town. I would find an extremely secluded area and take the pills. I already crushed them up into powder a long time ago (almost a year ago, they have been sitting in my closet ever since). I would take it with water from my water bottle, and I would add flavour drops to make it taste better. After this I would down a bottle of a cocktail I made of mixed strong alcohols. I would also cut myself, not as an attempt to die, but because I want to. I would be listening to my favourite playlist and I would lie in the grass with trees around me. I know this method takes a while to kill you, so in my fantasy I eventually get found around 12-16 hours after initially taking the pills. I would later die in the hospital after refusing an organ transplant.
I wanted a slow death. I wanted to watch my parents watch me die. I wanted them to suffer like I did for years. But because I was too much of a coward to do it earlier, I have to settle for a quick death. I know that is the preference of most, but it wasn't mine. But I must die before the 17th.
Honestly, I still might attempt my original method because writing it out made me euphoric. I hope I die before the 17th if I do try the pill method.
I promised myself I would die before my birthday. My birthday is June 17. Every day for the past year has felt like a countdown, and now I only have 3 more days to kill myself. I can't fail. I have to kill myself. This is why I am not going to do the pill method. Even though I've spent hundreds of dollars on preparation (medicine is expensive here), and many hours of research. All of my efforts will be for nothing as I can't even attempt this method because I need a guaranteed quick method instead. Because of this, I think I'm going to hang myself. I've spent so little time researching other methods so I'm scared to try, but I must. I'm going to do partial suspension I think.
I had a fantasy of how I would die though. I would like to share it. I live with my parents, so I would sneak out in the middle of the night and take a bus out of town. I would find an extremely secluded area and take the pills. I already crushed them up into powder a long time ago (almost a year ago, they have been sitting in my closet ever since). I would take it with water from my water bottle, and I would add flavour drops to make it taste better. After this I would down a bottle of a cocktail I made of mixed strong alcohols. I would also cut myself, not as an attempt to die, but because I want to. I would be listening to my favourite playlist and I would lie in the grass with trees around me. I know this method takes a while to kill you, so in my fantasy I eventually get found around 12-16 hours after initially taking the pills. I would later die in the hospital after refusing an organ transplant.
I wanted a slow death. I wanted to watch my parents watch me die. I wanted them to suffer like I did for years. But because I was too much of a coward to do it earlier, I have to settle for a quick death. I know that is the preference of most, but it wasn't mine. But I must die before the 17th.
Honestly, I still might attempt my original method because writing it out made me euphoric. I hope I die before the 17th if I do try the pill method.
peace be with you
