Things are going well but...

[narval]

It's curious. Lately things are going, well, I won't say great, but at least not as badly as used to be. The risks of a mental breakdown or being homeless are way lower. I can say cautiously that my alcoholism is history. I even have a job. Besides the bad salary, it is not a bad job.

And yet I'm still the idea of CTB. I think I'm able to buy SN, even if the site I found is not trustable I'm confident I could find another.

I've a post office box
to receive packages and stuff if i'm not at home.

I'm neither afraid to rent a hotel room to do it (sorry, not sorry, hotel staff)

But why? IDK. I'm in bucle. Thinking again and again to the idea: what if. Just in case. This can't last too much. I need a plan b, a escape plan... and now, when i've the energy to make things, It seems natural to my mind to plan all.

Here I am. Thinking in CTB when i'm at my best moment in the last ~10 years

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Same here, mate. Still trying to figure it out myself. You could buy the SN and then wait until you're sure?

 

[iwkmsssb]

it is so odd. even during the best years of my life i've always had that plan b in the back of my mind. now looking back, it feels as if the happiness i experienced during that time was one big distraction from thoughts of ctb, the underlying issues never got addressed and now that life has gone to shit i've realised it now.