viljalauss
he/they 23
- Aug 22, 2023
- 195
hello
many things have changed since i was last here . some months ago i met a kindred spirit . some days ago my ex and i broke up (we're still friends) . just over a year ago i joined the revolutionary communist party which is the best thing i've ever been a part of and possibly one of the only things i can think of that i can say has been truly meaningful . two years ago i moved out of my parents' and truly breathed
said party work has absorbed me in a really good way but has only done so to an extent
especially in the past week things have turned into their opposite and i'm actively suicidal which is interfering with the work
generally in the past year i've not been suicidal or at least
i still never could imagine living to say 40 let alone 60 and living indefinitely (as in till something other than suicide killed me, obviously) has never stopped being alien to me, and i've always been deeply scared of the further debilitation that comes with aging and i would never have not taken a chance to avoid that But suicidal thoughts being disruptive is not something that has happened for a long while. bar every month around or just before the start of my period. then i have again sunk, sometimes wished i had a plan, wondered if i should make a new one. as of right now i know it's due soon, think i have sensed the hints of the first sucker punches to my gut that will harden to wrench, and these thoughts have deepened, and i am again making a plan, more serious this time.
what i know when these times come round but can be harder to notice when they're over is that these aren't just cyclical slips. there are deeper crises beneath that only suicide will solve. or technically any form of death some point very soon would solve them, but only suicide gives the agency (specifically control over date and method that i would do my best to make sure works) needed to make sure anything i have contributed or can contribute, particularly to this party in terms of education (probably quite vain to say there is anything i can contribute because most of what i can think of is just translations i've started and can finish, collation of other people's material, and a couple of tips for those who'd fill the roles i'd be leaving) can be used.
problem - recycling suicidal thoughts and thoughts on the need to get my things in order and specifically to prepare any contributions i can make so that they're presentable and potentially useful takes time and attention away. and it's not even like i've started on this preparation.. only thought of it. repeatedly. and been slightly troubled. which does not help in either direction - if i wait this out and yet again pave the way for deeper crisis and realisation of it in the next month or multiple, i will have lost time thinking about (and potentially not even working towards!) the need for me to prepare and finish this material; and if i firmly decide, as i so so clearly need to, to do my absolute best to finish and carry out this plan, this rumination will have me stagnant
so thinking about suicide, even if it gets me to where i need to be, is interfering with party work right now
and events keep going fast. decades keep happening in weeks! but even in the routine work i have been falling behind and it's starting to show, along with the fact that multiple people have said over the past two/three weeks that i look visibly tired..
maybe i should say some of the reasons i see this more clearly than ever as organic - again this is not exhaustive but
- i can't cure the social difficulties that come with autism and however much work i've done, however much i think i've developed in confidence and actually have, it's relative, and in objective terms it's nowhere near enough that these difficulties stop being an insurmountable barrier to me contributing to society how i want to and in the ways i have taken the responsibility to do
- i'm tired all the time. i work a desk job and spend most of my time off also sedentary. i would love to be more active or at least walk more, not out of compulsion to police my body or anything but because it's genuinely enjoyable as far as it can be in this body (i spent a fair bit of last weekend in the woods and the ruins of an abbey and it and the wildlife therein was really beautiful), but it is difficult. past few weeks and these couple weeks i don't even have the energy to reply to people. said kindred spirit and beautiful friend above has now asked me if i'm ok because i haven't replied for a few days and sure i've stalled because i don't know how honest to be with them but also i've been so tired
and it's not just tiredness as in wanting to sleep it's deep physical tiredness that is not getting better. it takes me i'd say like 2 hours at least to properly wake up and that is on the back of modafinil and caffeine (alongside water and sometimes even food). i have thought about stopping modafinil just because it's expensive and if one day i lose access to stock i ideally wouldn't want to be completely stranded but i've abandoned that idea. which i'm ok with for now - what i still see as a potential issue is that it masks this fatigue so that i keep pushing myself. but the amount i push myself is not much more than, or potentially exactly the amount, that i need in order to do the things that are making life remotely worth it!
- also the heat is really affecting me including how at times like today it becomes difficult and painful to walk (specific issue with my legs that i know but don't know how to solve), it's difficult to think, and instils deep dread each time a heatwave comes and i know more and more of them will. also my vision will go blurry sometimes which was scary the first few times but now is kinda whatever, though it can be a little confusing since blurry vision is also a sign of seizure auras lol
i have to say one among several suicide deterrents has been that the more truly good things i have taken up or found and happily kept in my life (the party, said kindred spirit, even social transition) the more i fear, or rather know, that if i ctb certain people in my life (family mainly, or completely) will see that as these things being dangerous or harmful; their prejudices will carry through and be reinforced, not least by the immense pain my departure will leave. however well i in any note i leave (which again so much energy to write..) try to explain that these are not the things that caused me to ctb, it is unlikely that most or much of it would stick, especially soon after the fact
writing a note and creating archives(i don't know, can't think of a better word) of what i've done so far is so much work and i'm really, really tired (one of the reasons i am considering suicide this seriously in the first place).. as well as all this preparation taking time away from what i need to do in the context of the party but also everywhere else, i don't even know if i have the energy to do mostly or even solely that (alongside going to work which i obviously can't just leave). so three ways that could go - either i push myself somehow to do it, or i don't kill myself after all, or i abandon the idea of leaving contributions altogether and treat suicide (as i have thought of doing before, but not this time) as just another circumstance of death, ignore the agency it clearly offers, and repeat to myself for however long that if i'd died in some accident i wouldn't exactly have the time to get my affairs in order
that's all i'm gonna write for now because i need to do things. and also work out what i'm gonna tell my friend because i would quite like to reply to him tonight. and how i can set these thoughts aside for a couple of hours so i can send some other replies that i need to send before this saturday. and potentially also finish an article i was writing that had a deadline of last saturday (a deadline i myself set, by the way, before this properly set in!) wish me luck
many things have changed since i was last here . some months ago i met a kindred spirit . some days ago my ex and i broke up (we're still friends) . just over a year ago i joined the revolutionary communist party which is the best thing i've ever been a part of and possibly one of the only things i can think of that i can say has been truly meaningful . two years ago i moved out of my parents' and truly breathed
said party work has absorbed me in a really good way but has only done so to an extent
especially in the past week things have turned into their opposite and i'm actively suicidal which is interfering with the work
generally in the past year i've not been suicidal or at least
i still never could imagine living to say 40 let alone 60 and living indefinitely (as in till something other than suicide killed me, obviously) has never stopped being alien to me, and i've always been deeply scared of the further debilitation that comes with aging and i would never have not taken a chance to avoid that But suicidal thoughts being disruptive is not something that has happened for a long while. bar every month around or just before the start of my period. then i have again sunk, sometimes wished i had a plan, wondered if i should make a new one. as of right now i know it's due soon, think i have sensed the hints of the first sucker punches to my gut that will harden to wrench, and these thoughts have deepened, and i am again making a plan, more serious this time.
what i know when these times come round but can be harder to notice when they're over is that these aren't just cyclical slips. there are deeper crises beneath that only suicide will solve. or technically any form of death some point very soon would solve them, but only suicide gives the agency (specifically control over date and method that i would do my best to make sure works) needed to make sure anything i have contributed or can contribute, particularly to this party in terms of education (probably quite vain to say there is anything i can contribute because most of what i can think of is just translations i've started and can finish, collation of other people's material, and a couple of tips for those who'd fill the roles i'd be leaving) can be used.
problem - recycling suicidal thoughts and thoughts on the need to get my things in order and specifically to prepare any contributions i can make so that they're presentable and potentially useful takes time and attention away. and it's not even like i've started on this preparation.. only thought of it. repeatedly. and been slightly troubled. which does not help in either direction - if i wait this out and yet again pave the way for deeper crisis and realisation of it in the next month or multiple, i will have lost time thinking about (and potentially not even working towards!) the need for me to prepare and finish this material; and if i firmly decide, as i so so clearly need to, to do my absolute best to finish and carry out this plan, this rumination will have me stagnant
so thinking about suicide, even if it gets me to where i need to be, is interfering with party work right now
and events keep going fast. decades keep happening in weeks! but even in the routine work i have been falling behind and it's starting to show, along with the fact that multiple people have said over the past two/three weeks that i look visibly tired..
maybe i should say some of the reasons i see this more clearly than ever as organic - again this is not exhaustive but
- i can't cure the social difficulties that come with autism and however much work i've done, however much i think i've developed in confidence and actually have, it's relative, and in objective terms it's nowhere near enough that these difficulties stop being an insurmountable barrier to me contributing to society how i want to and in the ways i have taken the responsibility to do
- i'm tired all the time. i work a desk job and spend most of my time off also sedentary. i would love to be more active or at least walk more, not out of compulsion to police my body or anything but because it's genuinely enjoyable as far as it can be in this body (i spent a fair bit of last weekend in the woods and the ruins of an abbey and it and the wildlife therein was really beautiful), but it is difficult. past few weeks and these couple weeks i don't even have the energy to reply to people. said kindred spirit and beautiful friend above has now asked me if i'm ok because i haven't replied for a few days and sure i've stalled because i don't know how honest to be with them but also i've been so tired
and it's not just tiredness as in wanting to sleep it's deep physical tiredness that is not getting better. it takes me i'd say like 2 hours at least to properly wake up and that is on the back of modafinil and caffeine (alongside water and sometimes even food). i have thought about stopping modafinil just because it's expensive and if one day i lose access to stock i ideally wouldn't want to be completely stranded but i've abandoned that idea. which i'm ok with for now - what i still see as a potential issue is that it masks this fatigue so that i keep pushing myself. but the amount i push myself is not much more than, or potentially exactly the amount, that i need in order to do the things that are making life remotely worth it!
- also the heat is really affecting me including how at times like today it becomes difficult and painful to walk (specific issue with my legs that i know but don't know how to solve), it's difficult to think, and instils deep dread each time a heatwave comes and i know more and more of them will. also my vision will go blurry sometimes which was scary the first few times but now is kinda whatever, though it can be a little confusing since blurry vision is also a sign of seizure auras lol
i have to say one among several suicide deterrents has been that the more truly good things i have taken up or found and happily kept in my life (the party, said kindred spirit, even social transition) the more i fear, or rather know, that if i ctb certain people in my life (family mainly, or completely) will see that as these things being dangerous or harmful; their prejudices will carry through and be reinforced, not least by the immense pain my departure will leave. however well i in any note i leave (which again so much energy to write..) try to explain that these are not the things that caused me to ctb, it is unlikely that most or much of it would stick, especially soon after the fact
writing a note and creating archives(i don't know, can't think of a better word) of what i've done so far is so much work and i'm really, really tired (one of the reasons i am considering suicide this seriously in the first place).. as well as all this preparation taking time away from what i need to do in the context of the party but also everywhere else, i don't even know if i have the energy to do mostly or even solely that (alongside going to work which i obviously can't just leave). so three ways that could go - either i push myself somehow to do it, or i don't kill myself after all, or i abandon the idea of leaving contributions altogether and treat suicide (as i have thought of doing before, but not this time) as just another circumstance of death, ignore the agency it clearly offers, and repeat to myself for however long that if i'd died in some accident i wouldn't exactly have the time to get my affairs in order
that's all i'm gonna write for now because i need to do things. and also work out what i'm gonna tell my friend because i would quite like to reply to him tonight. and how i can set these thoughts aside for a couple of hours so i can send some other replies that i need to send before this saturday. and potentially also finish an article i was writing that had a deadline of last saturday (a deadline i myself set, by the way, before this properly set in!) wish me luck
