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A

affinity

Member
Oct 8, 2021
73
As of the last few days, I've been feeling like I want to prioritize reaching a solid conclusion on a long term creative endeavor I'm in the midst of. Who knows what will happen or when but this is keeping me motivated to stick around a while longer. Besides that, my parents still weigh heavy in the equation but I may have already typed that in an earlier post here.

What is it?
 
Ineedtodie

Ineedtodie

Shame, Avoidance, hopelessness, lonliness, cbt, pm
Nov 9, 2022
401
Hope.
 
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Henryk

Henryk

Tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry
Apr 22, 2022
90
I think that I can still experience good things and maybe get back on top because if I had really ended my life in the first attempt I would have stopped meeting great people and things that made me happy
 
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je.suis.prêt

je.suis.prêt

Hjälp mig
Jul 9, 2022
107
I kind of want to recover, but the depression is winning at the moment. My SN is stuck in the post. I wish it was easier to die. There should be a switch to flip or a button to press.
 
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blackroseRM

blackroseRM

Member
Jan 22, 2023
31
Quite literally, the only thing keeping me here is my cat. Every time I think "I really would like to CTB" and I even start to make a plan or think of methods, my cat is there, and I can't bear the thought of leaving her orphaned. I love her more than life itself, very, very literally.
 
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Bitterman1996

Bitterman1996

Student
May 20, 2020
168
Still want to try and just can't/don't have enough conviction to actually kill myself. Even though years ago I set the 'deadline' to be this year if it didnt get any better.
 
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yeksovaz

yeksovaz

жить грешно умереть смешно
Jan 21, 2023
20
Painting, I really want to paint some more.
 
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S

Skullinthewoods

Consciousness is a Burden
Sep 13, 2022
40
Honestly, the methods seem too long and complicated and I'm not particularly organised or motivated.

If I could down some fent right now and be done with it, it would likely happen, but for now I'm stuck researching, learning and trying to buy equipment... all whilst being very slow and tired.
 
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Comfydant

Comfydant

Member
Jan 24, 2023
35
the fear of death and the even greater fear of pain are the main reasons why i haven't ctb yet, as well as a lack of access to methods and the fact that my mom is constantly sick because she doesn't have access to her medication, so if i die, there will be no one to take care of her or our dogs. ...then again, my mom is in her 60s and at risk of heart failure due to her high blood pressure and our dogs are both around 12–13 years old and very sick as well, so i guess that won't be an issue for much longer.
 
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ephemerality

ephemerality

slipping into a dream
Jan 24, 2023
15
the fear of failure, and the fear that there's a possibility that things could get better eventually. i'd hate to just "throw everything away" if there's even the slightest possibility i could live a happy/fulfilling life so i'm holding out to see if my situation will improve or if i'm fighting a lost cause. i'm also attached to my own art, i dont want to leave before people have heard my songs/what i want to say.
 
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krxbs

krxbs

a bleeding heart </3
Jan 24, 2023
71
several reasons. SI, people i love, lingering hope, and the wish to release all the songs i've written so far before i die. give the people i love something to remember me by, and express myself in one final way before i go. also, i guess, lack of practical resources. over the course of ~5 years, hanging, trains, burning & cutting didn't work because of my SI so i'm waiting on some SN, just to have in case the day comes.

i can relate to your message lots, @ephemerality. hope things turn out better for you, and you don't have to resort to ctb. best of luck <3
 
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Dead Horse

Dead Horse

Hopeless, but literally
Nov 14, 2018
153
Even though I'm here, I don't plan to do it anytime soon, and probably never.
I'm here because I believe my life is ruined beyond repair and I also believe that it would be better for me to do it.
But I'm too afraid of death and also every time I imagine my mother's face after she would find out, it becomes an impossibility for me.
But also I have this stupid hope that things might get better, and as much as it doesn't make ANY sense at all, it's still there.
 
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L

lionetta12

Just a random person
Aug 5, 2022
1,233
For me it's my mother. I've already attempted before and I saw how sad she was. Didn't know how much she loved me until after that.
Wanting to help other people.
 
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AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Global Moderator
Aug 20, 2022
243
A really tiny sliver of hope that things will get better.
 
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H

HopelessScientist

Member
Jan 24, 2023
5
Survival instincts and alcohol, ngl.
 
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anyhowstars

anyhowstars

New Member
Jan 25, 2023
3
as much as kids stress me out, I'd really love to have a child of my own. to just be able to look at a newborn and be like "i'm the father, that is my baby". I know it will never happen but sometimes the thought makes me happy
 
ilovecats

ilovecats

Empty Husk
Feb 1, 2023
117
The gym. Without exercise I would've been dead since last June. My life is still in a free fall and I consider trying to cbt but the gym helps me stop thinking about life. I don't care if my parents or friends mourn my death, I will not be there to see them cry. I know it sounds narcissistic.
I'm here because I believe my life is ruined beyond repair and I also believe that it would be better for me to do it.
I feel the same. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I hate about myself. My appearance, my personality, my past, my capabilities. I have so many regrets and I feel like even if I try to "repair" my life step by step, even more problems will come and I would never be able to get back on track.
 
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kimikatachibana

kimikatachibana

katarina
Feb 3, 2023
20
my boyfriend…i've devoted my life to him because he truly made me feel happy after dealing with chronic depression my whole life and childhood
 
zhongnanhai

zhongnanhai

typical cigarette enjoyer | he / they
Jan 22, 2023
8
my littlest sister. she's already 10 (they really do grow up fast) but because she's almost exactly 16 years younger than me, she's still practically a baby to me. my parents have five kids & even they agree that out of all of their children, she's almost supernaturally compassionate and sweet. never threw tantrums at stores or restaurants, never threw up on people as a baby, never screams when she doesn't get her way. she's a perfect little angel. we've always been extremely close because i drove her to school everyday and our birthdays are usually celebrated together as they're only a few days apart, she says i'm her favorite sibling and that means the world to me.

considering my suicidal thoughts stem from an abusive, traumatic childhood... i just can't do it. no matter how much i dream about taking my own life, no matter how much i plan and commit, there's always that fear that i'll traumatize her and destroy her life just like a random pedophile ruined mine. i know how easily childhood trauma can destroy a kid, how it sets them up for failure. i have to be strong because she doesn't deserve to come home from school to the news her big brother killed himself. i have to be selfless because i'be felt the pain that's inflicted when adults are selfish.
 
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☆AwaitingEntropy☆

☆AwaitingEntropy☆

Snuffing the Light Out
Nov 6, 2021
208
Loved ones, mostly. I also want to get back into writing, so that too.
 
circuspeanut

circuspeanut

biggest clown
Jan 24, 2023
9
my boyfriend, dad, and fear
my dad has already been through so much trauma, but at the same time i feel like it would be a lot easier for him and my step mom if i did the deed
 
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Yamada

Yamada

Planned Obsolescence
Feb 2, 2023
11
I know I wouldn't be around to care, but I wouldn't want to traumatize my family, friends or first responders.
 
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gar3z

gar3z

Feb 4, 2023
13
my mom. I guess I am one of the very few things she has, and I don't want her to blame herself about it.
 
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T

thrownaway_272

New Member
Jan 23, 2023
1
For me it's my mother. I've already attempted before and I saw how sad she was. Didn't know how much she loved me until after that.
for me its my cat at the moment, i hope she never has to know how much of a weight ive ended up putting on her again lately hoenstly
 
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LateForTheBus

LateForTheBus

Experienced
Feb 7, 2023
228
I have 2 prior failed attempts, so I have to make very sure that the next means I try will be the one to work.
 
FieldsofLavender

FieldsofLavender

how real is joy, anyway?...
Feb 7, 2023
123
My friends and the family that I live with. I really want to ctb, but I... I can't bring myself to traumatize them, my family might be toxic and have caused a lot of my pain, but I just never want to hurt people... They want me alive, so... I live. (╥﹏╥) sigh
 
ExtraItem

ExtraItem

Too Tired To Try
Feb 3, 2023
7
Sounds kind of stupid but I have a goal weight I would like to reach and I'd apparently rather live than die fat and ugly. Hate the thought of someone seeing my deceased body and thinking "I can see why" even though I'd be dead and it wouldn't matter.

Plus, failure and possibly my siblings.
 
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thx1138

thx1138

Student
Jun 28, 2019
160
I just want to get better. I just want to feel normal. It's all I ever wanted. I want relief from the mental torture. People told me to seek a doctor, so I did.

These desires are making me go to therapy, although it feels pointless. I'm giving it one more try.
 
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A

absolute

Member
May 7, 2022
52
My 2 year old grandson
 
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