I just hate thinking

[trying ungracefully]

I get so sad/depressed thinking about my life. It isn't going the way I want it to and it leads to suicidal thoughts in the end.

I felt a lot of shame yesterday because I did my exposure of going outside/in places. I went to Dunkin and I was excited because I noticed there was a new drink and it sounded really good (it was) and it was nice out. On the way back I even took a longer way to challenge myself even more since I didn't want to do that. When I got back my dad laughed at me and said "your exposure is getting a drink". It is. I can't do things alone. I look like a little kid ordering, hugging myself with one arm, lips sucked in, barely making eye contact.

I know I shouldn't feel shame because in the group I am in there are people doing exposures like watching a romantic movie for relationship OCD or cooking chicken for contamination OCD. It just feels so different because going outside and in places is so natural to most people yet I can't do it without anxiety or feeling uncomfortable. I haven't met anyone other than my great aunt who has agoraphobia and she had it when she was younger and she is in her 80s now so it's treated.

Then my relationship. The good is so good but the bad is so bad. I ended up texting my brother for the first time about how bad it is and he's seen a bit too. He agreed with my mom that he is abusive but my boyfriend also says I'm abusive so I guess it's even. Both of them are supporting me yet I can't leave and I am going to stop talking about things with them because if I am not leaving what's the point. I just wish things would change or I had the strength to leave. It is bad for the both of us and he doesn't even see a future with the way things are.

My grandpa also died recently and I wrote about that, I will always regret not going to his funeral now. I can't process it. My parents brought back two of his clothing items for me. It was so hard to hang them up and I didn't recognize his smell because he was living in a different state. I want to wear them to remind me of him but I can't remember right now. I also got a few pictures from my mom and I had to turn them over because I can't look at them. He was my favorite when I was a kid, I always sat on his lap and drank his sweet tea with him.

I know I write a lot and maybe not many read but I wanted to use this post to say thank you to the people that do. It helps me feel less alone in these things and uplifts my mood a tiny bit. I appreciate everyone on this site.

 

[timf]

Leaving an abusive relationship can be stressful and take some time to heal. However, not leaving an abusive relationship is likely to worsen. Living alone is much better than living with a mistake. Being accused of also being an abuser does not make things equal. You are allowed to ask someone to prove their allegations.

One can navigate through life with conscious thought or by reflex. We all use reflex to some degree such as brushing teeth. Thinking about things can be taxing, but it can also be helpful. You mentioned going for a walk. A more reflex person may not give much consideration to the neighborhood through which they walk. They may not see potential hazards from traffic to other hazards. However the person more thinking may see a potential hazard in everything. The thinking person can through acclimation build up enough experience to improve the accuracy of their estimations such that only real hazards are anticipated.