I want to shoot myself in the head. I don't get why this is, but my suicidal thoughts and desires will sometimes just randomly start to get stronger, then dampen, and then get stronger again. The same goes for my self-loathing thoughts and self-destructive urges. At the very least, they aren't right now bad enough for me to feel like I have to work to try and not act on them. Sometimes they get so bad that I find myself having an extremely strong urges to just act on my suicidal and self-destructive tendencies and I have to work hard to fight against it. It probably helps that, due to how I was raised, along with my mom being home all the time due to still looking for a job, I find it a bit easier to not act on them. It's like there is this sort of barrier that keeps it all on. On the downside, because of this barrier, it leads to me feeling worse and sometimes leads to those thoughts and urges strengthening. It's like continually filling a balloon with water until it is on the verge of bursting. I remember regularly feeling this when I was younger and it has worsened now that I am an adult. I think that part of why is because, when I was younger, I didn't feel like I had the same level of freedom compared to now. I'm still pretty sheltered and my mother does smother me sometimes (to the point where her friends have called her out on it), but I also have the ability to do things, like buy alcohol and weed, and sext without having to worry about getting in trouble for distributing CSEM (minors cam get in trouble for distributing csem of themselves), and so on.
Along with that, when I was younger I used to also feel more obligated to be a good girl and stay out of trouble due to my having a constant fear of being a burden to my family and them getting tired of me and eventually abandoning me. Now, as an adult, I don't care as much anymore. I still often find myself thinking about just seeking out and running away from here and living on the streets or something.
