First off, I apologize for my last post in this thread. Sometimes when I feel like shit I have the urge to lash out a bit. I've had multiple instances in the past where I've felt the urge to make comments about hating people on here purely for the sake of getting myself in trouble or even getting myself banned. Don't know why. This isn't meant to be an excuse, btw. What I said was inexcusable and I shouldn't be projecting my issues onto others because that is unfair. That was the first time that I decided to act on those urges a little bit and it will be the last.
Secondly, I want to lash out so badly and I can't. I want to self-destruct so badly and I can't and it's making me feel awful. I sometimes find myself also alternating between wanting to see my counsellor and wanting to stop seeing them and claiming to be fine, even when I am not. I hate this so much. On one hand, I do like having someone I talk to outside of family since it is nice, but on the other hand I fucking hate it for some reason. It's not their fault. They are actually very nice and good at their job. I don't get why I'm always like this. I have no good reason to be like this. I fucking hate it. I wish I were dead.
In other news, I am also 99.9 percent sure I came across a YouTube comment from somebody on here. They mentioned their username in their comment, for some reason. At first, I was confused and thought that maybe it was just a common username or something, which led me to look up said name to see what the name was a reference to. That then led me to discover someone's account on a site for writing (not going to name the site for privacy reasons), with the n-word with a hard r being used in one of their posts. I was confused and thought to myself that it surely couldn't be the case that this person was also a user on here, until I came across a post where they directly quoted two members on here with links to the original posts. Honestly, I'm not surprised by this member holding incredibly shitty views, nor by their use of the n-word, considering their posts on here, but it was surprising to spot them outside of SaSu.
Anyways, I'm going to go back to wanting to rip my skin off again.