Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[CTB Dream]

this rly awfl lif wat do this rly awfl lif wat do all pain sffr no stop no psbl any no do any

 

[PoorlyTinted]

im feeling just totally stressed and empty. I haven't talked on this forum in ages. I really don't anymore because im in a much better place mentally. Today I had a really good day, I saw my girlfriend finally after 6 days and im totally psyched. but its late now and she's asleep, and for whatever reason or another my mind is just totally racing. I want to talk to her but she's asleep, I want to talk to someone but all of my friends would judge me, and they are all asleep anyways. im worried about our relationship, but I feel like its irrational, but its not. I don't know. I haven't cut myself in so long and now I want to, but I don't want her to see the scars. I need to find some way to get rid of these feelings. I have no alcohol, no weed, and I can't cut myself. I don't know what wrong. I just feel anxiety and nervous. I wanted to join the chat room and talk to people but I don't think my account is eligible for that so im just stuck here. anyways thank you for making this thread, I really needed to just type with the chance that maybe someone would read and understand how I feel. I feel a little better now. I just want to sleep, but I can't.

 

[Electra]

I'm feeling in a state between wanting to continue doing something I know I should be doing and continuing resting and doom-scrolling. Languor.

 

[sannoji]

terribly down in a way i can't describe. it will pass, i think, but that doesn't make it any easier in the moment. i don't like feeling weak. i don't like feeling that my past has power over me. nor do i like feeling trapped. i don't know what to do about any of it right now. i also don't feel fully real, but that's not too unusual for me…

 

[Nothing Left]

I wish I could go back to binge-drinking, because I'm maddened by sobriety and constantly being reminded of my reality.

I've been living with a narc father for almost my entire life with exceptions, and the sick dynamic of being a perpetual scapegoat with my half-brother as the golden child, and the abuse between all three of us. No matter what evil shit the half-brother does, his actions are downplayed and justified. No matter how innocuous I'm trying to be, I'm treated like the worst person on the planet.

And my body is structurally fucked right now which leaves me unemployable because I'm unqualified for any actual good jobs that wouldn't require me to stand for 8 hours or lift over 10lbs in weight. And of course, being poor in America means bottom barrel healthcare, dismissive nurse practitioners and no solutions.

Sometimes I can't even believe that I'm still here everyday, and that I haven't snapped and just bashed my head into the wall.

Like I get NO catharsis from any activity. I'm always in survival mode, fight or freeze.

Being out in the world just walking around earns me furtive, suspicious glances and wide-eyed looks as if I'm a wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. I have to put on this pathological "babified" persona just to appeal to people so that they don't view me as a threat.

So I hide away in my shithole apartment due to the shame of existing because I am tired of being fucking judged - either openly or silently.

The ageing thing is particularly brutal, but not for the reasons that men usually try to insult women with: my plight has nothing to do with fertility or being desired by males; it has to do with realizing that I have wasted so much fucking time and come to so many realizations way too late to be able to do anything about them, or live a fulfilling life.

But hindsight is 20/20, another cosmic joke against humanity.

Being a 37-year-old hikikomori leaves one with few options for progress in life.

^ There's a link in that word to a documentary on ageing hikikomori if anyone is interested.​

 

[We’reJustStrangers]

I'm really missing my ex. She came into my life when I was very depressed thinking about ctb using helium. But she showed me that there's more in life to live for. We would always talk about marriage and the future. I don't know what I did to deserve to be ghosted.

Last time she told me we would talk it out and work on our problems together as a couple, but guess what happened when an argument broke out…? I'm blocked on snap, tiktok, imessage, & insta. I emailed both her personal and school as well and wow typing that out makes me look like an absolute creep lol but I promise I'm not a creep I'm just super in love with this girl. I started going to the gym and picking up more hours at Amazon to try and keep my mind busy. My mom said it's over and I should move on and stop chasing her but something in me is telling me that she'll come back.

I just want to take a bunch of drugs and listen to music and become joyful for 2-3 hours. But I'm never touching drugs again because that's one the reason why she's gone. The heightened emotions overthinking and saying before thinking. They say it gets easier as time goes on but it's been 2 months and I still cry when I think about the memories we made together. When does it get better? Even though I may feel suicidal, I don't think I really want to die I just want this pain to stop and I don't know any other way to stop it PERMANENTLY

Fuck I miss her so much and she's probably smiling rn enjoying life laughing at TikTok's and sewing carpets. She was like my second half or like me but in the form of a woman. So creative smart beautiful & funny and it's hard to make me laugh. And I'll never find another girl like her because theirs only one of her in this world. I really hope she comes back to me one day and I don't randomly see her pop up on my Facebook feed to see she's married with kids.

I forgot this forum even existed but that's because I'm in a better place than I was when I failed 3 times and joined this group after researching about suicide bags. I remember being in the psych ward thinking to myself, "Wow 3 times you f*cking idiot? You can't do anything right you can't even kill yourself right" but I'm thankful that I'm here because on January I start my comp sci program and I'm really excited about that because hacking is a passion of mine. And I'm working towards buying a mustang gt and I'm very close. After I get her I don't think I'd need anyone just me and my coyote.

 

[CTB Dream]

Alws pain sffr see this awfl wrld all prblm no stop me no want sty this awfl wrld me need euthns

 

[Cavalcade]

I think I've sunk past the anger and settled into grieving the loss of a weekly ritual for like, two, almost three years. I know I need to replace it with something else that I can look forward to and have fun with- but it's so cruel that it feels as if I'm the only one being punished and outcast while everyone else has fun without me, when if it weren't for me in the first place, it would have never coalesced to begin with...

I'm grateful for the loved ones I do have in my life, but they're all really busy, and to some varying degree, a bit flaky sometimes- inconsistent, largely due to life circumstances, but also being reclusive by nature. It's kind of upsetting to realize that the people I'm closest to are all some degree of avoidant by nature and how weirdly it parallels my childhood issues. It's also the holidays, so I need to keep that framing in mind too, of course. But it's hard.

I'm just sad. It doesn't feel fair.

It just feels so pathetic. Listening to Glass Animals and tearing up because I'm laying down in bed, emotionally fraught like a live wire, chronic pain flaring up: missing people who hurt me terribly, who are blithely living their lives and laughing all carefree, enjoying themselves even more so with my absence, because as much as I make magic, sparkly things happen- coalescing friendships, group activities and hobbies they'd never have dived into otherwise, long hours spent together when we should have been asleep: I'm more like a firework than not: searingly brilliant and colourful and bright, but for a moment- all burnt out, smoke smouldering in the back of your throat and stinging your eyes- an irritant, an annoyance, to be discarded and disposed of without a second thought.

They'll take what they like and walk away without flinching from the wreck. Why do I keep pouring myself into friendships with people who hurt me so badly and don't even give a fuck? When will I finally learn to not fall into the trap of trusting other people to treat me with even an ounce of the same compassion or consideration I would handle a stranger? Someone who likely knew my abusive ex boyfriend (who had a tendency to use other people to try to worm back into establishing contact with me, who painted me as an insane mentally ill freak who was a danger to myself and he was just a loving, kind, caring boyfriend who was trying to take care of me,) was searching feverishly for me and not a single one of them reached out to warn me or someone close to me to pass on the message, if they truly felt it wasn't their place to talk to me- once more, my safety wasn't even a thought on the table.

I think I need to ask my loved ones to sit down and seriously write a letter about what they actually think of me to hold onto as a token because I think I am going a little fucking crazy. My ex boyfriend described me in a few words on a whim, and it just keeps looping in my head. How is the way I am perceived so disparate from how I consider myself? What's so wrong with me? How have I convinced other people in my life- both those who are closest to me, and those who are friendly acquaintances at best, of all of- the way that they see me doesn't ring true. It makes me feel like a fraud who's going to caught out at any moment. Like I'm some kind of freak, some kind of monstrous manipulator pulling the wool over their eyes- like one day they're going to wake up and realize yeah, what the hell was I thinking, they aren't worthy or good or a person at all really, so its fine to just toss them by the wayside and walk away- because why did I ever think that they were worth my time or space or energy or even a crumb of regard.

I don't get it. We broke up. Why does he still think such nice things about me? It makes me sad that three out of the five were related to how I interact with others, of use to them. Ugh. I'm just going to drive myself off the deep end ruminating about this kind of thing.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

I wanted to thank the community of kindness that you are for most. I will delete my account because I do not see the point of announcing something that will make happy the one who is watching me here. And I confess that I have lost the desire to connect and interact since nothing is more anonymous for me here. I wish you all a good continuation whatever you hope here.
Bien à vous.

 

[Electra]

I feel sleepy, but also relaxed. Have some worries about tomorrow, but I think they're natural considering the nature of tomorrow's plans. So it should pass. Hugs to everyone out here <3

 

[Anon_Guy]

My vacations are over and I start work again in less than 5h (I'm still not in my bed)
I hate it, I don't want to interact with humans or people again.

 

[CTB Dream]

rly no end pain wat do ppl no undrstd this awfl bio cncpt all hrrr no stop pain sffr ya wat do injury damage add endle prblm

 

[Cavalcade]

i feel like such a fraud. An acquaintance of mine is mourning a death in the family- who am I to comfort her? What worth do my words have, if I don't believe in them myself? They seemed to bring her some measure of comfort, soothed her- it's unnervingly easy to say the right thing without actually having any of the intensity of feeling you're supposed to behind it. I do wish her well. I just don't think that life is worth living- and it's hard to reconcile trying to tell someone that they have a beautiful life ahead of them through the other side of this rupture, while fantasizing about punching your own exit ticket because life is such unbearable cruelty.

 

[Electra]

I feel disappointed and frustrated. Also I feel like I letdown some people. I got sick right on the day of New Years. And there was some plans made, now it all goes down. I could see it as some kind of a sign, but honestly, I just feel sad.

 

[-Pain-]

lonely, i'm ashamed of myself for not having a single friend

 

[Forveleth]

Weird. I was not anticipating living this long so I think my brain does not quite know what to do with being alive. I have been dissociating most of the day and have been struggling to ground myself. Can not believe 2024 is over.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I'm feeling numb. A minute ago I was crying from the tension that I felt because of the fireworks. I wasn't prepared it seems. I never find it very pleasant, but I think I'm usually more drunk. And maybe that numbs the feeling? So I've been tensed up for days now. And I started crying when the fireworks started. Actually it's been going since 5/6 pm. Not stopping for more than a few seconds at a time. And I was still surprised at the intensity and the noise when it finally turned 2025. It's so loud it hurts. For a couple of minutes one particular set of fireworks kinda sounded like someone was banging on my front door. I'm just not enjoying it. Took me about 20 minutes before I decided to sit in the bathroom and put some earplugs in. And I became numb and decided to write it down. Feeling a bit better now. The fireworks are dying down a little bit.

 

[Electra]

Vulnerable and sad. A bit alienated. But I'm trying to pull through it.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I got COVID last year so I wasn't able to go to the family Christmas party where we exchange gifts. This year I went and got the gifts from last year, one of which was a 20$ Google Play card. I proceeded to redeem it and it said it expired. I'm actually a little bit upset. I know it's petty to be upset over 20$ that wasn't mine to begin with but I'm more petty over the fact gift cards expire. Support says I need the original receipt (it's a gift card so I wouldn't have it?) and now I feel sad. I'm not going to hassle my cousin, I'll accept the loss...

I know I make around 20$ an hour but just knowing I could have had another 20$...

 

[tychai]

I never want to get my hopes up again. I'm so prone to misunderstanding things around me as either better or worse than they are that I'd probably be better off retreated into a little bubble where I can just stay in emotional stasis.

 

[Electra]

Eh, not feeling so well. A little sad and melancholic.

 

[crayonscrayons]

im happy go lucky

 

[harlow-paige]

feeling like a complete wreck, broken beyond all comprehension. tried to convince myself that being more genuine would make everything easier, but i feel empty inside like there's nothing in here , nothing to be more genuine with. can't connect with people, just drifting through isolation even when i'm around people that supposedly care about me. tired exhausted at failing to find connections that don't just drain me further

 

[FindingVeritas]

Sad but coming to peace. Finally started working on my will which has been slightly conflicting and brought up some mixed feelings regarding my circumstances. But primarily I think I'm just empty now, got my tears out while writing my rough draft and the rest is just making sure it's all enforceable legally but I have time.

 

[Namelesa]

I feel so trapped and hopeless. I don't have access to any ctb method now as the only method I could use is unreliable now. I just want to be free from this existence. I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to continue anymore of this. I can't deal with the emptiness, guilt, fear and misery anymore. I just want this to end.

 

[TheHolySword]

I can't handle this pain anymore. why did I destroy everything when I still had time left. I could have enjoyed my last days as much as I could. I put myself and others in misery because I thought it would save them. I'm so miserable. I want it all to end. I only have a few months to go but this is agony

 

[Unsure and Useless]

I want to starve myself out of pettiness because wanting to eat pizza got me called a pig by a family member while everyone agreed (๑>◡<๑).

In other news, I don't want to be around my family anymore!（╹◡╹）

 

[crayonscrayons]

.

fuck them. I don't understand how people can think this shit is okay. it's rude as hell, and it might be projecting and pack-mentality. they suck for saying that, and everyone sucks for agreeing

 

[SA1994EC]

I am screaming in the pitch dark. No one is here to hear it. My voice just disappears in the darkness.

 

[TheHolySword]

tired of going to work every day. i would quit if i could and spend the rest of my days in misery until i got the chance to ctb. instead im forced to exist like i am not suffering. i'm tired of acting.