Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Unsure and Useless]

I got some work done, and I might get some more done later. Although, I'm feeling super lazy. My ears are most likely going out too cause I keep listening to music.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Concerningly hyperactive, hyperaware, and stressed via intrusive trauma thoughts. I high dose on Vitamin D near daily to ease depression symptoms but it makes trauma responses stronger.

Had a mini but not devastating emotional meltdown on shift (mostly rushing intrusive thoughts like the world would be better off without me, impulsively thinking of ways to CTB before my shift ends, and SA recall via unwanted phantom touches).
Makes me feel worse in a way. Nobody cared I was curled up in a corner of a desk trying to ground myself while dooming that nobody cares about me.

Just recovered from it fully a bit ago, stressed this will happen again. Now too hyperactive to sleep which makes me more stressed.

 

[leloyon]

Just had the text equivalent of a shouting match with the person I could be considered closest to nowadays. Don't really know how to feel about it, mostly empty. Feel regret yet no remorse. I feel bad about what I've done in the way that it impacts me, but nothing really about how it affected him.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think I may have raised some alarm bells among my friends. They know I plan to CTB in the next few months but joke's on them. That's all part of my plan anyway to get them used to it so when it does come it'll be less of a shock to them.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I just got off ft with someone. I had to masturbate with them. I've done it a few times with them in the past and I hated it each time. I still hate it. It makes me uncomfortable, as does sexting as a whole, yet I still do it. I still put myself in these situations. Yesterday I was putting clothespins on my nipples at 5 in the morning because some dude asked me to. It hurt like hell but I kept them on the entire time. The night before I fucked myself using the handle of a hairbrush because him (he did ask me if I wanted to stop, thankfully) and some other dude asked me too. It hurt so much. Yet I wanted to be desired so badly and didn't want to disappoint anyone that I still did it. I know that none of this is good for me but whenever I try to stop the desire to do these things just stronger and stronger. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I have the urge to go further and try to be more promisicus in real life. The only reason that hasn't happened yet is because I'm too shy and awkward to ever make that a reality. I hate myself. I kept on having thoughts about wishing that I got ran over by traffic yesterday. I wished I'd been aborted. I hate this.

 

[Meteora]

I feel very horrible. Dont even know if I have words to describe this agony. My boyfriend left me two days ago, he was my soulmate, my partner in crime, my everything. Now he's gone and if I already was suicidal before, now I feel it even much more.The senselessness, the languor. I hate myself for sitting here and complaining instead of taking action. I m such a creep

 

[Average Enthusiast]

Idk really, it's sorta hard to describe. Whenever I'm around others, I think I am happy but then when it's over, I realise that it felt more like an act. I feel like the good people in my life just kinda, forget me. I hate being alone but at the same time, it's almost like a safe space, something I can't mess up. All I ever want is to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through, someone that wouldn't just run when I open up to them. Someone that doesn't see me as a liability, a ticking time bomb, but instead a person who's really just struggling.

I feel very horrible. Dont even know if I have words to describe this agony. My boyfriend left me two days ago, he was my soulmate, my partner in crime, my everything. Now he's gone and if I already was suicidal before, now I feel it even much more.The senselessness, the languor. I hate myself for sitting here and complaining instead of taking action. I m such a creep

I'm sorry to hear that. Breakups feel like shit, especially if you were with someone you properly connected to. It's good you're venting this out tho, it's better you saying it out than just keeping it in. It's normal to kinda shut down almost after something like that, but it's important to also slowly pick yourself up. You may still hate yourself, but it's better to fight right? Doing hobbies you love is a good distraction and time killer. Even if it only takes your mind off things for a little while, it's better than nothing. Obviously people recover in many different ways but from my personal experience, that worked for me. I'm sorry if it's too personal of a question but did things end on a sour note or was it mutual?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm such a fucking idiot. There's no way she ever actually liked me like that. No one ever has before so why would she be different? I need to CTB before I make her uncomfortable any more. I know it has to be soon. I know my proof for whether or not she does reciprocate my feelings is split evenly down the middle but maybe all of it is more delusion. Every day when I awaken it feels like I'm being pulled into some new trauma experience and I just want that to stop. I want to know definitively whether or not I should back down but I get that just asking outright might scare her more. She's tough to read but that just gets me more intrigued.

 

[Meteora]

I'm sorry to hear that. Breakups feel like shit, especially if you were with someone you properly connected to. It's good you're venting this out tho, it's better you saying it out than just keeping it in. It's normal to kinda shut down almost after something like that, but it's important to also slowly pick yourself up. You may still hate yourself, but it's better to fight right? Doing hobbies you love is a good distraction and time killer. Even if it only takes your mind off things for a little while, it's better than nothing. Obviously people recover in many different ways but from my personal experience, that worked for me. I'm sorry if it's too personal of a question but did things end on a sour note or was it mutual?

The final step came from him. But we had broken up many times before. This time it feels differently for me. Thank you, yes venting helps a bit. Life was difficult also with my boyfriend, now my depression feels even stronger and hobbies etc. are harder to do.

 

[Average Enthusiast]

The final step came from him. But we had broken up many times before. This time it feels differently for me. Thank you, yes venting helps a bit. Life was difficult also with my boyfriend, now my depression feels even stronger and hobbies etc. are harder to do.

Well like I said before, it's totally normal to feel like shit, or even if that hurt you felt before becoming worse. Do you by chance play any sort of music or even have interest in it? Cuz I found that expressing yourself through music can definitely help. You don't have to be good or anything, just feel it. I was mentally fucked when I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of yrs ago. She messed me up mentally during the relationship and even though I broke it up, I felt even worse. But then I started playing the saxophone. I'm not good at it or anything, but it was definitely a good way to distract myself until I started to recover. I won't sugarcoat it, that hurt will last a while, especially if it's your first relationship. But in the meantime, it's good to start a new hobby, to begin a new journey. (Goddamn that sounds corny but hopefully you get me )

 

[Meteora]

Well like I said before, it's totally normal to feel like shit, or even if that hurt you felt before becoming worse. Do you by chance play any sort of music or even have interest in it? Cuz I found that expressing yourself through music can definitely help. You don't have to be good or anything, just feel it. I was mentally fucked when I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of yrs ago. She messed me up mentally during the relationship and even though I broke it up, I felt even worse. But then I started playing the saxophone. I'm not good at it or anything, but it was definitely a good way to distract myself until I started to recover. I won't sugarcoat it, that hurt will last a while, especially if it's your first relationship. But in the meantime, it's good to start a new hobby, to begin a new journey. (Goddamn that sounds corny but hopefully you get me )

Music helps, yes, I play the guitar but rarely in the last year. I m too depressed, too little energy.
I m sorry you went through this, too. Especially if she was abusive it must have been hell for you. It feels like my last support or source of strenght is gone and now I m drowining in the ocean. It was not my first relationship but the first one I was able to let my partner come close on a emotional level. Without him I wouldnt maybe be here anymore, he helped me through very dark times. And the same for him, he was an alcoholic and smoked pot on a daily basis when we met, now he's sober and at the university since last October.
We went far together and we had dreams.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly tired all day pain no end

 

[Unhumanly.]

I'm sabotaging myself from my surroundings, knowing right the consequences of this

 

[Average Enthusiast]

Music helps, yes, I play the guitar but rarely in the last year. I m too depressed, too little energy.
I m sorry you went through this, too. Especially if she was abusive it must have been hell for you. It feels like my last support or source of strenght is gone and now I m drowining in the ocean. It was not my first relationship but the first one I was able to let my partner come close on a emotional level. Without him I wouldnt maybe be here anymore, he helped me through very dark times. And the same for him, he was an alcoholic and smoked pot on a daily basis when we met, now he's sober and at the university since last October.
We went far together and we had dreams.

Fuuuuck, I'm sorry. I think the worse part about my previous relationship is that I didn't realise till the end. I went on holidays and realised that what was happening was fucked. I was more of a s*xtoy to her than a boyfriend, and that rlly fucking hurt. Afterwards, yea I felt like I had no energy either, just wanted to stay in bed and watch stuff. Friends weren't a big help either, they simply didn't care. I suppose I could suggest all the standard shit; talk to a parent or go to therapy, but that never worked for me. Instead, have you tried any form of meditation? Ik it sounds stupid but I used to do it and weirdly, kinda worked? Might not be your thing tho. What about reading books? And also, if your body clock is off, try to slowly bring it back to normal. I was consistently awake till 4 and sleeping till 12.30 and eventually I realised how destructive that can be to someone. Hope any of this helps

 

[Meteora]

Fuuuuck, I'm sorry. I think the worse part about my previous relationship is that I didn't realise till the end. I went on holidays and realised that what was happening was fucked. I was more of a s*xtoy to her than a boyfriend, and that rlly fucking hurt. Afterwards, yea I felt like I had no energy either, just wanted to stay in bed and watch stuff. Friends weren't a big help either, they simply didn't care. I suppose I could suggest all the standard shit; talk to a parent or go to therapy, but that never worked for me. Instead, have you tried any form of meditation? Ik it sounds stupid but I used to do it and weirdly, kinda worked? Might not be your thing tho. What about reading books? And also, if your body clock is off, try to slowly bring it back to normal. I was consistently awake till 4 and sleeping till 12.30 and eventually I realised how destructive that can be to someone. Hope any of this helps

yeah I know, you love so much that you cant see certain things..... well, to be fair I have to say, he s autistic. But that doesnt justify every behaviour. Thats what he thinks, I guess. He lets all his frustration out on me. He has no clue how much he hurts me. He knows I m suicidal. Its just so fucked up. The whole world is.
Meditation... well at the moment I feel too much down to concentrate, same with books. I m keeping my sleeping ryhthm luckily. It s so gross your ex used you this way...... guess she had a very low self-esteem and thats why she treated you badly but understanding why doesnt take away the pain, I know.

I ve been hurt so much in my life and still get every day.... I ve lost hope completely and I dont want to get better really anymore. Because the pain will not end. Of course the pain about the relationship will. But in general not. I m fighting a desperate fight with zero allies. It simply impossible. And noone cares or sees it. the least my "parents". They are the source of all problems.
My ex was my only ally. I can be grateful he helped prolonging my life for 3.5 years. Before I met him I was pretty commited to ending my life.

 

[greebo6]

Increasing despair

 

[Average Enthusiast]

yeah I know, you love so much that you cant see certain things..... well, to be fair I have to say, he s autistic. But that doesnt justify every behaviour. Thats what he thinks, I guess. He lets all his frustration out on me. He has no clue how much he hurts me. He knows I m suicidal. Its just so fucked up. The whole world is.
Meditation... well at the moment I feel too much down to concentrate, same with books. I m keeping my sleeping ryhthm luckily. It s so gross your ex used you this way...... guess she had a very low self-esteem and thats why she treated you badly but understanding why doesnt take away the pain, I know.

I ve been hurt so much in my life and still get every day.... I ve lost hope completely and I dont want to get better really anymore. Because the pain will not end. Of course the pain about the relationship will. But in general not. I m fighting a desperate fight with zero allies. It simply impossible. And noone cares or sees it. the least my "parents". They are the source of all problems.
My ex was my only ally. I can be grateful he helped prolonging my life for 3.5 years. When I met him I was pretty commited to ending my life.

Yea that's pretty difficult. Any form of autism is awful. It's also difficult to deal with, but you do seem pretty understanding which tbh, is pretty rare in this world atm. But either way, it doesn't take that pain away. Someone hurting you is still someone hurting you, no matter where it's coming from. Well, it's good you still have a good sleeping rhythm, bcuz sometimes that can be hard to fix. Yea looking back now, I'm pretty lucky i seen the true story behind it. Whenever I didn't want to do anything sexual, it was always met with an annoyed response. I was pretty vulnerable and open with her and she just threw it back into my face whenever there was a dispute. Just a quick question, have you ever thought about travelling? Like, around the world? Because sometimes it is good to get away from your home place, to disassociate with the bad stuff. Even for a little? Idk what age you are so maybe that's not possible. I'm finished secondary school (high school in Ireland) this year and I wanna go to college in a completely different city, on the opposite side of the country. A lot of the bad memories I have are associated with my town, so maybe it's the same with you? Do you have any dreams yourself, ones you wanna accomplish? People say they want to achieve their dreams to make themselves or others proud, but for me anyway, I wanna do it just to say "f*ck you" to life, to the people who messed me up. Doing something out of pure spite can weirdly be the best motivator.

 

[Meteora]

but you do seem pretty understanding which tbh, is pretty rare in this world atm.

I am but it is not enough, obviously.

I was pretty vulnerable and open with her and she just threw it back into my face whenever there was a dispute

That's so so f*ck*d up. I hate that too. Backstabbing, basically.

Just a quick question, have you ever thought about travelling? Like, around the world? Because sometimes it is good to get away from your home place, to disassociate with the bad stuff.

I quiet a bit older than you and I traveled when I was younger. I also lived abroad for three years in total. Unfortunately, my problems were always patiently waiting for me at home. It s ture that it can change ones view. Since 5 years I am so anxious and weak that I feel best at home in my bed. I wouldnt make it t travel alone.

 

[Average Enthusiast]

I am but it is not enough, obviously.

That's so so f*ck*d up. I hate that too. Backstabbing, basically.

I quiet a bit older than you and I traveled when I was younger. I also lived abroad for three years in total. Unfortunately, my problems were always patiently waiting for me at home. It s ture that it can change ones view. Since 5 years I am so anxious and weak that I feel best at home in my bed. I wouldnt make it t travel alone.

Yea it was pretty heartbreaking, but I think I was so dependent on her at the time that I didn't pay attention to it. Recently I've been kinda the same. Don't wanna leave my room. I have school tmro and I'm rlly dreading it. It's okay to hurt, and if I'm being honest, if it weren't for school, I wouldn't rlly have a reason to go anywhere either. Are you two still in contact or just cut things off completely?

 

[acidbit]

Adderall comedown has my mouth stiff and tasting like blood even though there isn't any. Laying in bed waiting for myself to become tired. I need to figure out how to die sooner or later. I'll keep entertaining my unprofitable passions until then

 

[livinginafog]

Like i am stuck in some twisted version of purgatory where on one hand i want to ctb and on the other i cant because it would hurt mi familia and absolutely destroy the love of my life who we will call Cherub i promised Cherub that i would hang on until bagpipe camp during the summer so we can see each other in person little does he know that i am planning on ctbing at the camp so rhen i will get a millitary funeral

 

[acidbit]

I feel like a bad person because I don't give a shit if anyone is heartbroken by my passing

 

[greebo6]

Today....feeling very ugly ( as indeed I sadly am)

 

[doormat25]

I feel too fat/too stupid/not good enough for my friends. I feel broken.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I've been exhausted and mentally damaged,
But I can't slow down - I'm micromanaged.
Rest is what I crave,
But it's found only in the grave.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Really stressed.

I finally mustered up the courage to speak up about my SA on my 18+ social media (CW as such) and ended up overwhelming one of my followers to the point of him having an emotional breakdown. I feel ashamed and stressed even more. I shouldn't of spoken up about how I felt. I should of kept it hidden. I want to hide under the blankets and hide from the world. I'll wake up tomorrow and be okay but right now, I want to hide away from everyone and everything.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think I said this before already but I saw a video explaining the psychological nature of crushes and I may be paraphrasing but I think he basically said that almost all of the time, the person who is getting crushed on will suffer more than the person having the crush.

Well SHIT. That just means that every girl I've ever liked must be really going through far too much. I'm not even trying to disagree with him. If my suffering is supposed to pale to theirs then how have they not killed themselves already? I suppose they're all stronger than me, especially the current one. She was here at work and I'm pretty sure she saw me but she didn't even say hi. Now why didn't I say hi to her? We've been over this. I think at this point it's almost clear that she wants nothing to do with me. She must be very uncomfortable knowing I like her because I'm a shitty person and nobody should have to suffer having to deal with me being attracted to them. With how my body and mind are freaking out health wise and for her to be somehow enduring worse torment than that? How cruel am I for putting her through all this? I kind of just wanted to ask her if she's okay, I still don't know why she had to go to urgent care on Friday or why she wasn't at work on Saturday. I know maybe some might think it seems sweet that I care this much but honestly this is just more sick obsessiveness that makes me a selfish and cruel and creepy individual.

She does not deserve the constant fear of having to be pursued by someone like me. I really really wish I could just kill my self sooner and get out of her life now but because of how idiotic and incompetent I am I just can't yet. I've let my dark obsessions with her interfere with my plans and it's been so frustrating not having the energy to even work on them but that's just how it's gonna have to be…

Like, I know my yearning is so disgusting. I just want more time to talk with her. For me to explain why I've been such an idiot due to my inexperience. For her to accept that to my shock and bewilderment then she reveals she felt the same and was just afraid I didn't like her back. As stupidly unrealistic as it is. I want this to happen then I eventually get to hold her and have her hold me back. I want it so much and it makes me such a disgusting freak because I hardly know her. I need to be put down. I need to be killed but everybody is too stupid or sympathetic to see why I need to be eliminated. I shouldn't have to be the one to do it myself but if I am I might as well then. I shouldn't even be locked up because then people would be wasting precious food and water and oxygen just to keep my alive. The very jail cell they would put me in would be far too grand a gesture for me. It's better for me to be killed and then sent to hell.

 

[Meteora]

I feel like a failure, actually, I have no words. I just woke up thinking I shouldn't be taking this life anymore.

How much pain can a person bear before they completely break?

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly strgl do any anhedo no brain wat do no have any

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I've been sexting more guys and have been doing some kind of gross and pervy things to appease them. I hate it because it makes me feel like a gross pervert but I also kind of love it because of the attention I get. The entire experience is so draining that I always feel incredibly exhausted afterwards both emotionally and physically. Sometimes I get paranoid that they don't actually like me and are making fun me behind their screens. I know it's probably not good for me but I keep on doing it anyway. I keep on searching for more men to add and I keep doing my best to satisfy them.

Sometimes I feel like I am going through my "rebellious phase" right now, or at least my version of it (I don't think anything that I've been doing would be considered rebellious rebellious by most). I don't teenage me would be doing of shit that I am now doing.

I just woke up after a long nap and I still feel tired. I always feel at least slightly tired though, so this isn't that out of the ordinary for me. I'm going to go and get something to eat.