Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Unhumanly.]

Scared to start the day

 

[Salvation_]

Scared to start the day

Same. Just same.

 

[Rogue Proxy]

I'm trying to bake Super Mario-themed, chocolate chip graham crackers. I didn't expect the mini chocolate chips to pose a challenge in shaping the graham crackers. Some of the chips cracked whenever I rolled out the dough or pressed down the cookie cutters. Sometimes the chips got lodged in the details of the stamps and resulted in tearing the raw graham cracker whenever I lifted up the stamps.

In the first batch, I found the Super Star-shaped graham cracker to be rather too small compared to the other shapes. It was also little overbaked in two of its limbs. I'm planning on donating the Super Star cookie cutter soon.

I also tested out two cutters and matching stamps from my miniature Pokémon cookie cutter set (Pikachu and Bulbasaur). I was trying to determine whether graham snacks and animal crackers could be made from this type of dough. Again, the mini chocolate chips hindered the cutters and sometimes got stuck in the stamps' grooves, and in turn, tore up the dough.

Now I'm pondering over whether the chocolate chip graham cracker recipe is worth the trouble or not. Additionally, I have created recipes for different chocolate chip and white chocolate chip animal crackers (e.g. white chocolate raspberry, chocolate chip banana, white chocolate blueberry, and chocolate chip orange). If they are indeed troublesome to bake, then I'll have to scrap them.

On a related note, I have also written different versions of birthday animal crackers with rainbow sprinkles in the dough (e.g. cinnamon banana, strawberry, blueberry, lemon, and black cocoa). While I predict that the sprinkles are brittle enough not to impede the cutters, I am concerned about them getting stuck in the stamps' crevices and possibly tearing up the dough.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I wish I could just do it and get it done with.

People who have read my posts on here, will know that I was severely abused throughout my childhood. Physically, sexually, verbally, neglect...You name it. I lived it. It was dark, despicable, disgusting.

I don't have the physical or emotional energy to reiterate the finer details, but here's a fairly recent general summary. There's a lot of graphic information omitted from this, because the details of what happened to me just wear down my soul too much.

What strikes me is that, I have survived things no-one should go through, especially not a child.

Despite all of that, it's so hard to take that final step. I am so scared of dying, even though life has brought unbearable and irremediable suffering both physically and psychologically. My body is broken. My spirit is shattered. There is nothing to salvage, no future to cling on for.

Yet I cling on still. To the remaining ruins of this lifelong shipwreck. Why? Why am I holding on? Why did I survive all of this shit? Why am I still here? Even when my fear has diminished, all previous attempts were unsuccessful.

And today, I am fearful of something that will finally bring this suffering to an end.

Logically, I understand that of course dying is hard. It's scary, potentially painful and dying by our own hands goes against every instinct we have to stay alive at any cost. It goes against the very belief systems most of us are raised in too, one that places great emphasis on protecting and preserving life.

Even with that knowledge, I still think to myself...The process of dying by drinking some damn salt cannot be more painful or frightening for me than the experiences I've endured in life. It can't compare to the staggering deterioration after years of disability, chronic illness and pain. It can't compare to the agony of being beaten, raped, strangled, smothered and forced to do depraved things that no-one should ever have to do.

Yet here I am. Still fucking here.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel humilated right now. Someone asked me if I knew where the buses were abd I responded bt shaking my head. Then they asked me if I was new here and I nodded because I'm idiot and I thought they were referrong to the station. Then it hit that they were referring to the city and when they asked where I was from I froze and then proceeded to look down. Thet asked if I was suck abd said that I was acting weird.

I know this isn't a big deal but situations like this always remind me how bad I am at acting like an actual functional human-being.

 

[Kit1]

Just want to be dead now

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm so scared. I just want all this fear to end. No matter how much I want to face my fear, it stares back at me completely unfazed. All this over some stupid crush that I don't even know if she really likes me back or not. All the signs are equally encouraging and discouraging. I think I already fucked it up and I don't know how to fix it. I just wish I didn't have to be the one putting in this much effort I'm so scared I feel like I'm walking through a dark corridor where the floor could give out at any moment and reveal a trapdoor and also that clown from It will pop up and try to cut my balls off oh and I could lose my job too.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Every message from my boss sounds like a death threat.
Everytime I receive it I start to sweat.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Empty

 

[cheems]

My dick still doesn't work, I think, money is shorter than ever and I didn't do my stretches today. That being said I felt little pain today which is a big W, I managed to do the dishes and cook and eat some sweet potatoes, and I just downloaded a cartoon called Hazbin Hotel that's actually pretty fucking enjoyable and is definitely keeping me here for a while. Have a doctor appointment in two days. It's supposed to be a big shot, I'm throwing a lot of money at him. I'm still terrified about the future, but today I could handle it.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Not good. Someone (not from SS at all, just to be clear) kind of implied that I should be grateful for my sexual trauma because at least I've had something.

I wrote about it on my profile (and later deleted it, it was merely a purge for me) but instead of the hurt diminishing, it just increases the longer I think about it. I try not to, but it's just so so hurtful.

And the thing is, it's probably not intended to inflict this much pain. Because someone who hasn't been raped can struggle to understand how profoundly such trauma can impact someone's life.

I cannot be thankful, for the fact that I lost my virginity as a toddler, before I could even speak. I cannot be thankful for subsequent sexual experiences either, most of which were abusive. And even any consensual experiences later in life, were deeply tainted by my traumas. It was impossible for me to ever feel truly safe, comfortable or happy in that situation, no matter how hard I tried. People have taken advantage, due to my vulnerabilities, and simply seen me as 'damaged goods' (yes, those words have been said to me directly) to be used and discarded like trash.

My relationship with sex is irreparably warped by years of abuse, and I am incapable of a relationship now as a result, due to both the psychological damage and immense physical pain. Recent assaults by people I cared about and trusted, were the final nail in the coffin for me. My fate is to either be used and abused like a broken toy, or to remain alone for the rest of my life. I have chosen the latter, because I cannot bear any more.

Not only that, but there's very real physical repercussions. Actual physical damage caused by what was done to me. I live with nerve damage, pelvic floor dysfunction and constant physical pain in some of my most sensitive areas. Because of sexual experiences I never chose, couldn't consent to and wish I never endured.

I'm not lucky, and I'm not thankful. And if that makes me ungrateful to some people - people who can't comprehend the level of destruction such experiences inflict - then so be it. Call me ungrateful. But if I could erase that history and the permanent consequences of it that haunt me every single day, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, dying is the closest I can come to achieving that. The only way of escaping this neverending carousal of misery.

 

[Shrike]

Some people sure are disgusting...

Every message from my boss sounds like a death threat.
Everytime I receive it I start to sweat.

Relatable. :(

For myself, all I'm thinking of right now is that I think I mistuned my D string...

 

[Kit1]

Not good. Someone (not from SS at all, just to be clear) kind of implied that I should be grateful for my sexual trauma because at least I've had something.

I wrote about it on my profile (and later deleted it, it was merely a purge for me) but instead of the hurt diminishing, it just increases the longer I think about it. I try not to, but it's just so so hurtful.

And the thing is, it's probably not intended to inflict this much pain. Because someone who hasn't been raped can struggle to understand how profoundly such trauma can impact someone's life.

I cannot be thankful, for the fact that I lost my virginity as a toddler, before I could even speak. I cannot be thankful for subsequent sexual experiences either, most of which were abusive. And even any consensual experiences later in life, were deeply tainted by my traumas. It was impossible for me to ever feel truly safe, comfortable or happy in that situation, no matter how hard I tried. People have taken advantage, due to my vulnerabilities, and simply seen me as 'damaged goods' (yes, those words have been said to me directly) to be used and discarded like trash.

My relationship with sex is irreparably warped by years of abuse, and I am incapable of a relationship now as a result, due to both the psychological damage and immense physical pain. Recent assaults by people I cared about and trusted, were the final nail in the coffin for me. My fate is to either be used and abused like a broken toy, or to remain alone for the rest of my life. I have chosen the latter, because I cannot bear any more.

Not only that, but there's very real physical repercussions. Actual physical damage caused by what was done to me. I live with nerve damage, pelvic floor dysfunction and constant physical pain in some of my most sensitive areas. Because of sexual experiences I never chose, couldn't consent to and wish I never endured.

I'm not lucky, and I'm not thankful. And if that makes me ungrateful to some people - people who can't comprehend the level of destruction such experiences inflict - then so be it. Call me ungrateful. But if I could erase that history and the permanent consequences of it that haunt me every single day, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, dying is the closest I can come to achieving that. The only way of escaping this neverending carousal of misery.

I am so sorry that some extremely inhumane person or people or monster/s have been so cruel to you and said those horrible things. No child should be violated, raped or abused in any way and you should never ever have been subjected to such torture that is definitely worse than death (at least, that is how I feel anyway). Abusers, paedophiles, those who protect those criminals and those who glorify or try to justify such monsters belong in the same category.

You have no reason to apologise - hell none of us who have been abused have no reason to abuse. So many of us live in the swing between merely trying to survive to death and die a thousand deaths on a daily basis - really it is those people who abuse and their protectors who deserves to be banished from the world but they carry on having created havoc in the lives of so many children (and the generations to follow those children - intergenerational trauma)!

Dearest LastLoveLetter, I am so sorry that life, the adults around you, society failed to protect you when you were uoubg and vulnerable. I am so sorry that monsters continue to hunt for the vulnerable and seek you out - a common experience that so many of us have to live through. I wish I could take away your pain, stop the clock, turn the clock back and make the pain go away and make sure that you were loved and looked after. But I can't. But please know that you are not alone, you have done nothing wrong, you were not at fault and place the blame back where it belongs - with the perpetrators and all those who seek to protect the monsters or justify, glorify or brush away the crimes and the harm.

I probably should not have replied to your message as this thread is about how we feel. But every place where these is injustice, we need to rise as one to voice our opinions and after having read through your traumatic experience and how you have been treated, I am rightfully feeling angry and enraged on your behalf, on my behalf and on behalf of every child who has been abused, traumatised, tortured, destroyed and murdered alive. Just as suicide whould be openly discussed, so should the crimes being commited against children and this is a forum where most people will be afraid to rise up in unison as a lot of us have been destroyed by similar monstrous acts and monsters.

 

[Tulipano]

Lonely

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Feeling demotivated again. Guess that's what happens when I wake up.

Edit: oh god I sent it. I sent a message that went something like "are you still free today? Let me know" I wanted to add a "if not that's ok too" but decided not to in case that sounded too defeatist. God I'm such a pathetic loser for thinking I could get this far. Why me?

 

[cryone]

Not good. Someone (not from SS at all, just to be clear) kind of implied that I should be grateful for my sexual trauma because at least I've had something.

I wrote about it on my profile (and later deleted it, it was merely a purge for me) but instead of the hurt diminishing, it just increases the longer I think about it. I try not to, but it's just so so hurtful.

And the thing is, it's probably not intended to inflict this much pain. Because someone who hasn't been raped can struggle to understand how profoundly such trauma can impact someone's life.

I cannot be thankful, for the fact that I lost my virginity as a toddler, before I could even speak. I cannot be thankful for subsequent sexual experiences either, most of which were abusive. And even any consensual experiences later in life, were deeply tainted by my traumas. It was impossible for me to ever feel truly safe, comfortable or happy in that situation, no matter how hard I tried. People have taken advantage, due to my vulnerabilities, and simply seen me as 'damaged goods' (yes, those words have been said to me directly) to be used and discarded like trash.

My relationship with sex is irreparably warped by years of abuse, and I am incapable of a relationship now as a result, due to both the psychological damage and immense physical pain. Recent assaults by people I cared about and trusted, were the final nail in the coffin for me. My fate is to either be used and abused like a broken toy, or to remain alone for the rest of my life. I have chosen the latter, because I cannot bear any more.

Not only that, but there's very real physical repercussions. Actual physical damage caused by what was done to me. I live with nerve damage, pelvic floor dysfunction and constant physical pain in some of my most sensitive areas. Because of sexual experiences I never chose, couldn't consent to and wish I never endured.

I'm not lucky, and I'm not thankful. And if that makes me ungrateful to some people - people who can't comprehend the level of destruction such experiences inflict - then so be it. Call me ungrateful. But if I could erase that history and the permanent consequences of it that haunt me every single day, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, dying is the closest I can come to achieving that. The only way of escaping this neverending carousal of misery.

whatever they said is unbelievably insensitive at best. i cant even imagine what youve been through, but ik it has to be worse than hell. there is absolutely nothing to be grateful for here. im so sorry you had to hear that.

 

[gymaddict18]

Defeated, heart broken, and ready to go.

 

[kotonearisato]

So unbelievably exhausted I just want to sleep for the rest of eternity.

 

[pole]

numb.

it's like I'm stuck, wandering aimlessly, and simply "living" if that makes sense. everything is empty to me and i feel nothing at all.

tells me that I'm on my last leg. only so much we can take. we all have our limits. i just hope the end is near for me.

 

[mikuhappy]

Lonely and depressed

 

[Eudaimonic]

Hopeless, exhausted, anxious, depressed, suicidal.

 

[ctvunny]

Feeling shitty in general.

 

[Final_Choice]

Exhausted, a bit lonely, and very very tired of everything

 

[cheems]

Not good. Someone (not from SS at all, just to be clear) kind of implied that I should be grateful for my sexual trauma because at least I've had something.

I wrote about it on my profile (and later deleted it, it was merely a purge for me) but instead of the hurt diminishing, it just increases the longer I think about it. I try not to, but it's just so so hurtful.

And the thing is, it's probably not intended to inflict this much pain. Because someone who hasn't been raped can struggle to understand how profoundly such trauma can impact someone's life.

I cannot be thankful, for the fact that I lost my virginity as a toddler, before I could even speak. I cannot be thankful for subsequent sexual experiences either, most of which were abusive. And even any consensual experiences later in life, were deeply tainted by my traumas. It was impossible for me to ever feel truly safe, comfortable or happy in that situation, no matter how hard I tried. People have taken advantage, due to my vulnerabilities, and simply seen me as 'damaged goods' (yes, those words have been said to me directly) to be used and discarded like trash.

My relationship with sex is irreparably warped by years of abuse, and I am incapable of a relationship now as a result, due to both the psychological damage and immense physical pain. Recent assaults by people I cared about and trusted, were the final nail in the coffin for me. My fate is to either be used and abused like a broken toy, or to remain alone for the rest of my life. I have chosen the latter, because I cannot bear any more.

Not only that, but there's very real physical repercussions. Actual physical damage caused by what was done to me. I live with nerve damage, pelvic floor dysfunction and constant physical pain in some of my most sensitive areas. Because of sexual experiences I never chose, couldn't consent to and wish I never endured.

I'm not lucky, and I'm not thankful. And if that makes me ungrateful to some people - people who can't comprehend the level of destruction such experiences inflict - then so be it. Call me ungrateful. But if I could erase that history and the permanent consequences of it that haunt me every single day, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, dying is the closest I can come to achieving that. The only way of escaping this neverending carousal of misery.

I am incredibly sorry. I cannot imagine living with this weight.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly brain hurt dtriort wat do this rly hurt no able ,rly wat do no have any no mthod no thing

 

[gymaddict18]

Why am I still here. I miss her too much and have nothing to live for anymore. She won't miss me even though I've written her letters every day since she left.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm doomer daydreaming again. I'm scared she might have killed herself or quit the job because of me. If I see her today I have no idea what to do maybe I will try to make things serious or maybe I'll just back off. Either way my heart is still going to suffer from all the yearning

 

[Kimlett]

I guess this is a good place to vent, even if nobody reads it. I feel so trapped. I really want to die, anything makes any fucking sense. I'm about to start a new job and for what? Why do I have to learn any new stuff, why do I need to work? Everything is so useless, why does not humanity go extinct?

I have a family, I have friends, I have a partner, why is it never enough? I want to die despite all that love. I have no freedom, I just can't kill myself, I can't ruin their lifes. Why was I born, why me among the million fucking possibilities? I want to dissapear and I want everyone to totally forget about me, I want to go in silence and don't disturb anyone.

I'm in so much pain, I feel like my heart is bleeding and filling my chest with rotten blood. I can't stop thinking about how merciful it would be to just die and how absurd it is to stay alive. So much fucking unnecesary pain. Life is excruciatingly long. I want it to end, please.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel so tired and drain right now. I also feel kind of terrible.

I was sexting some guys today. The first two were fine. The last one turned out to be 16. He lied about about being 23, then told me he was actually younger and I had assumed me meant that he was around 18-19. He then revealed that he was 16 and I immediately called things off. Now I feel gulity about sending explicit videos of myself to someone was underage. He didn't send anythibg to me, thankfully, but still. I've blocked him but I feel gross and perverted for doing all of that stuff.

 

[tvoisluga]

Нищо. Не чувствам нищо.
Nothing. I feel nothing.