Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[iamsure]

shit.

Spoiler

sorry, but you said don't think just type :D

 

[StolenLife]

I'm so lonely and isolated it hurts. I want to vomit all the time and I feel physical pain, yet the memories of my life are flashing by constantly.

 

[Lullaby]

Another freaking day of this that's all I can say after waking up.

 

[On Replay]

Despair, hopelessness

 

[ManicPanic2018]

I was supposed to be catching the bus tonight, but my housemate prevented me from doing so. Threatened to call my parents or an ambulance out of concern despite her having no indication that I was planning to go. So I was fucking pissed.

However, it's turning out ok. I'm back at my family home, relaxing and watching TV in their company. Sat stroking my dog while watching A House Of Dragons. My housemate will be asked to leave the flat soon, so I will have it to myself and a peaceful place to CTB before too long. I'll be taking sick leave off work starting next week. So will be spending my final moments surrounded by my family, who I've talked about my reasoning to CTB, and who now will understand it when it happens. It will still be hard for them, but at least they will know why.

A stressful setback. But It may have played out in my favour.

 

[gramenii]

Devastated. Grieving for what I used to be

 

[perpetualheartbreak]

hopeless, hurt, ugly, unwanted, rejected, invisible, lost, confused, heartbroken, lonely, misunderstood, isolated, incapable, never enough, shameful, disgrace, longing for love, shattered, dissociating, fragmented, empty, in pain, numb, zoned out, purposeless

 

[GrumpyFrog]

There goes my hope. Bye-bye, hope.
I give up, okay? I give up...

 

[outatime_85]

I am alone, left to meditate on what life could have been while trying to deal with having never having been properly socialized as a child, among other issues, and my inability to form bonds like "normal" people.

I am meditating on how one gets along in a society that sees someone as a misfit, an outcast, and feral.

I am also trying to understand how one can stand in crowds and it is as if no one is there.

I live a life where comms are down and there is no chatter from anyone unless they want something, and reaching out is viewed as an annoyance.

I am learning that to suffer in silence and to deal with my issues alone may be the best of the options.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Losing my grip day by day. I don't know why I'm still going. Wish I died. Hate this. Hate everybody around me too.

 

[Life_and_Death]

trust, lacking trust.

"oh just trust me"
forget about my bpd, the fact ive been fucked over by basically everyone. ok ill trust you.
then you fuck off, and boy was i livid.
but then you came back, i said no this isnt a good idea but finally broke.
things were going fine...or so i thought. but youve been lying to me after i fucking told you.....
why should i EVER trust you again...?

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Why do people watch horror movies? If you want to be disgusted and/or terrified, just read the news...

 

[Fall.and.Shatter]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

I feel you. That cold emptiness, for me, it just comes all at once. Sometimes I'm just there, but not there at all.. You know? Like my mind is so heavy, but I'm floating at the same time.

There's this fake kind of mask around my face that produces smiles, laughs and talks, acting like I'm fine. But I don't feel anything except something breaking inside me. Also pain. Maybe that's why I cut myself? Don't know.. Sorry for the ranting.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Losing my grip day by day. I don't know why I'm still going. Wish I died. Hate this. Hate everybody around me too.

Same here. It makes me wonder why I'm still going too.

"oh just trust me"

Usually when someone says those words to me, I end up doing the opposite. It's every liar's and manipulator's favorite phrase, and most of the time it works when they say it, but once we know better, it's much harder to be fooled by it.

 

[leeloosnow]

S = kB​ ln W

 

[Sick of it all]

Petrified and lazy. The painkillers have had a helping hand in this. Well the last part at least. The hurricane the first part.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Usually when someone says those words to me, I end up doing the opposite. It's every liar's and manipulator's favorite phrase, and most of the time it works when they say it, but once we know better, it's much harder to be fooled by it.

thats not the case this time. im just getting annoyed with it

 

[Dead Ghost]

Sad, tired, confused,... general malaise (stomachache, sleep, chills..)... dizzy, blurred vision,... lost... hahaha, I don't seem to be well at all,... Long live life!
//
Trist, cansat, confós,... malestar general (mal de panxa, son, calfreds..)... vertígen, veig borrós,... perdut... hahaha, no semblo estar gens bé,... Visca la vida!.

 

[StolenLife]

Can't even go for a simple walk in this depressing cold town. Of course that it had to rain and pour today of all days. I swear the only good thing about the town I'm in is the bridge I'll throw myself off of.

 

[Belle Jar]

Lonely, worthless. I had a best friend who I thought of as a sister. We have been close for many years. She told me earlier this month she doesn't want to be around me because my depression is too difficult for her and she wants to be around happy people. I didn't see it coming. Some days the pain of this hits me harder than others.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

Finalised my final days to do list earlier. I'll be leaving at the weekend but I've got so much I need to do :(

I was originally planning on leaving on Friday or Saturday but decided to move it to Sunday night. Since there would be no one to discover my body since I'm now living alone, the only people who could have access to my flat is the letting agency. Since they won't be working on the weekend, I need to ctb late Sunday night / Monday morning and set an automated email to reach the agency in the morning asking them to give police access to my flat. I just really hate the idea of rotting undiscovered for days :(

But it gives me a bit more time to do my final tasks and enjoy my final days. I've got a lot of letters to write, some files to put together and I want to make a little something for my parents to remember me by before I go. And I've got enough drugs to keep me merry and sedated and a pizza delivery on the way. Might watch one of my favourite movies tonight too.

I would have thought typing this out would make it all seem "more real"... but it really hasn't. This feels as real as it gets for me now. These really are my final days. And I'm going to enjoy them as much as I can.

 

[Life_and_Death]

im feeling horrible...pulled to pieces.

 

[StrangePossum]

Really feeling the effects of childhood trauma this week. Feels like I am getting slammed with all my issues at once.
I also have a ton of work to do this week and it's been really difficult...I'm so tired of fighting my brain to try and do this shit. I feel dead inside.
I hope next week will be better, but, y'know.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i just want to stop existing. im tired of being "that" friend

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I feel scared. I am almost certainly going to fail my test tomorrow, and the one on Monday. I keep letting my family down (not by poor grades but through other things going on in life), I wish there was some virtue they could be proud of me for, but to be loved just by the virtue of existing is false, you have to naturally give back to the world, and to the people around you.

 

[http-410]

I feel nauseated because of agonizing hopelessness and despair. It doesn't stop, it doesn't get better. I can't believe I'm still here. It is hard to come to terms that my desperate attempts to find help are in vain. The last option, which I had hoped would at least have some effect, failed. I am too messed up, and only keep myself artificially "alive" through dissociation. I can't take this. I wanted help, but it doesn't exist. Instead, I feel completely abandoned, and like everyone is just waiting like vultures for it to happen.

I am also deeply disappointed in my therapist, although I'm not sure whether I can blame them. I have forfeited their understanding and I can't ask anyone to be understanding for so long. I am simply too broken, beyond repair.

I feel like a wounded animal stuck in a pit, trying desperately to climb up the slippery walls but slipping down again and again. Tragically, the pit is not that deep, so the passing clouds are still visible in the bright blue sky.

But at some point the claws dull, the injuries of trying to find an escape are too painful and the strength fades. There is no other option but to stop, lie down and surrender to fate.

What we have done is talk about different types of ladders, but we have never managed to put a (suitable) ladder in the pit. Of course, I can understand that they get frustrated at some point. I am too. But what else am I supposed to do?

All I can do is wait for death, and there is only this one death by suicide, and it is unbearable. I want to stand up and scream, I want to make my suffering visible and comprehensible, I want to get out of this hole, I want help, but it doesn't exist.

 

[Life_and_Death]

when your relationship continuously proves its better off without you...
please let me kill myself for you...

 

[Zegers]

I was listening to music and suddenly a wave of loneliness came over me. I feel sad and lost.

 

[CTB Dream]

Tired

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I really, really want to cut.