Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[whywere]

Nofap is hitting HARD, finishing up day 4 rn. Mindfulness, nofap, lifting and waking up the same time every day is what affects me (for good or bad). Want to push on these as much as possible before deciding to ctb (if I even get the chance to ctb). Seeing things as experiences rather than problems is calming, thinking a lot about my mistakes and how stupid I am. It's a real clusterfuck, everything is so messy.

Hi! I hate to say this but I disagree with you as far as you being stupid. Hardly the case at all. Heavens I am a mistake!, or that is what my "parents" always said and for real through my life I have made some doozies as far as mistakes goes.

I totally agree with you as far as seeing situations as experiences rather than problems. See, you are very smart indeed.

Like I have said before about you, you are very witty and you always give me a good laugh, very much needed by me, to help me make it through the day.

Please do not be too hard on yourself as you are such a great friend and person here on SS.

Have a great day and week and please stay safe from Covid,

Walter

 

[Freedom Believer]

I feel so stupid. I had to drop YET ANOTHER class because of all the textbooks (yes, multiple) the professor was making me buy. One my classes already had me pay $50 dollars for one book, why do they force us to buy this overpriced garbage? It's a fucking English degree dammit, plenty of material to read and review is available online for free! Every time I drop a class, I'm just brushing it aside when I know I'll have to do it later. Hopefully I find a professor that actually gives a shit. Fuck my community college and their "affordability", no wonder why their enrollment is down the shitter.

 

[greebo6]

ugly

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Fucked up and jerked off to non-pornographic material (don't ask), think I have to gradually cut down on the ejaculations. So during the middle of day 4 I got the most benefits but I was hit with pressure/clogging during the evening and decided to jerk it despite not being sexually aroused at that time. I had planned to only jerk off during crucial moments of intense sexual charge but it seems that I have to do this in a more controlled way since I can get a shit ton of pressure or discomfort without at the same time being aroused. No porn and going several days between cooms seems to be the only rules for now. Think the body will adapt to the low coom frequency and produce less cummies after a few weeks.

 

[S like suicide]

I would like someone that really cares about me...lonliness is cruel especially when you have to deal also with depression.I'm just human...i need affection and love like everybody

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

What am I even doing here? I'll never summon the strength and courage necessary to do it.
I am fraud in my privileged suffering, and no one can convince me otherwise.
I don't even know whether I'm actually suicidal, but what do I know? I don't know anything.
I can't recover either. I'm inherently disgusted with life and everything it entails.
I don't have some goal I could strive towards, like getting a girlfriend or making a lot of money.
I can distract myself, after a fashion, but this will always be temporary and won't help me
achieve any kind of significant satisfaction that could persuade me to put any effort into living.
Living is unnecessary, tedious, stupid and disgusting.
My eyes burn, but I can't cry,
I hate to live, but I can't die.

 

[aviation]

I was once told, by a close friend of mine, "the reason that I don't care about your suffering is that all you ever seem to do is suffer". My former close friends are former, because all I can feel and talk about, is a pain that they can't understand. And failing this, they fear and grow scared and attack, or tell themselves I'm not actually suffering, and then push this back against me. I feel like I'm being torn apart, and I spent the morning crying due to missing home and the pain of separation. Most nights, I feel, so completely taken by the feeling of home and my memories of it, and it's a type of pain and longing that no words could ever reach, that goes deeper than anything. This is not 'real pain', to people here, because they can't know the weight of it themselves, or see it?

 

[user_name_here]

watching new movies back to back and enjoying them.

 

[motel rooms]

I was once told, by a close friend of mine, "the reason that I don't care about your suffering is that all you ever seem to do is suffer". My former close friends are former, because all I can feel and talk about, is a pain that they can't understand. And failing this, they fear and grow scared and attack, or tell themselves I'm not actually suffering, and then push this back against me. I feel like I'm being torn apart, and I spent the morning crying due to missing home and the pain of separation. Most nights, I feel, so completely taken by the feeling of home and my memories of it, and it's a type of pain and longing that no words could ever reach, that goes deeper than anything. This is not 'real pain', to people here, because they can't know the weight of it themselves, or see it?

I want to go home. All I ever want is to go home. All I ever talk about is home, and missing it so much. All I can talk about is home, which is why I barely ever talk. It hurts so much to be away. It hurts that I will never be able to talk to anyone who understands, no matter where I go, no matter who I talk to. And at the same time, I would never trade it for anything. I belong to my home, on a true level, and I love it so much that words like that can never even come close. I feel like I'm in two places at once, almost. On a surface level, in this empty shell of a world - but all my feelings and my love and my values and my groundwork, my core of being, who I am, lies with home, and is for and of my home. My application, my body, is in this world, but my being is from home, and that's all there is on a true level. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home.

So this is not just prose poetry?

 

[aviation]

So this is not just prose poetry?

Is that a rhetorical question, or a genuine one?
It's not metaphorical, if that's what you mean.

 

[enau]

im disguted by a lot of things related to 'help.I litteraly passed my day trying to contact psy , and it was impossible.No psychiatre or in any medical center of my town, and no one accepted to make me an ordonnance by visio.They said , i should see you for begi_n.
But im unable te go out , in places where iv never been , in that moment.My brain is .. pain and anxiety, i can just go to some place that i already know.So great the health care systme,.. they refuse to help me, even for having less pain.And then i asked some others people, maybe things that you should not ask, like how to buy medication in the darknet without being scammedi didnt want it for suicide, just for calming the pain in lmy brain), weell, i didnt really expexpect they will fufill my request, but they just ignored it, and they are supposed to be friends of mines, even if werenot really close, its hard and cold, insensitive.I hate all the hypocritycal bullshit around help. when you dont know or want to make a show of you feelings, no one find attractive to 'help' you,I m alone, desesperatly, even when i trust this fairytale,, actually trustingin solidarity , was the final fall et broke my mind, when i realised that, we were all alone, that 'help was as selfish then everything else, its maybe like crypto and trading xD therapist are the true scammer

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Excited to start on Zoloft!!! I really hope it works

 

[lonleycrowdedwest]

Feeling like im losing my mind. Tons of anxiety and racing thoughts. My entire friend group switched up on me and im alone. My (no longer mutual) best friend wont tell me whats up when i ask him. It hurts terribly, and its even worse because 6 months ago i really thought i had found my place

 

[FuneralCry]

As usual, tired of existing. My days are long and depressing. The only thing I want is non existence. I was perfectly fine not existing until I was forced to live. I do not want to experience anything ever again, I do not want to have any more thoughts. I just want to be nothing. I want nothing to do with this life, I just want permanent rest. I am tired of being me.

 

[aviation]

I want to be back with my people. Home, soon. I miss home. Only a few more weeks.

 

[lonleycrowdedwest]

I want to be back with my people. Home, soon. I miss home. Only a few more weeks.

You should take this time to really consider what you can enjoy. I think that you also understand that while we all want to end it, the last few days should be a time to truly contemplate the reasons for this decision

 

[aviation]

You should take this time to really consider what you can enjoy.

Very much so. The extent to which I can truly get to things here is somewhat limited, but I've always loved watching people, seeing where they go. I've gone through what stood out to me in my memories, of this life, what has been most 'there' in this life. I've always enjoyed cooking from scratch, for example, and over the past few days, I've started re-making all of the meals I'd made, at all the points in my life. Listening to all the music that has meant something to me throughout my life, no matter how I feel about it now. I've been cherishing my memories, and doing everything I can to make good ones, with the people I care about in this world, at the end of my time here - even if they don't understand the reasons for it yet. I'll never be coming back to this world, after all. :)

I think that you also understand that while we all want to end it, the last few days should be a time to truly contemplate the reasons for this decision

It's been taking shape for a long time. I'm ready to go home, and it's, on a true level, the end of my time here. The conclusion to my time in this world. On every level. In what I can do, in the directions. In how I feel. I have very direct memories and understanding of my home, that go deeper than this place ever could or has, but it's not like I haven't considered the possibility that I might be what they call 'delusional' and that these experiences and memories do not align with reality. Even then, though, it doesn't change my love for home. It doesn't change that it is home, or how much I miss it, and it doesn't change that all of my groundwork, my feelings, my being, my love, my emotions, everything, everything, is of and for my home. If the place that is my home, on a true level of what I feel and experience, would end up not being real, I'd choose non-existence over this world that isn't my home, and never being able to go home, to the world I truly, directly and fully know as my home, and have for most of my life. I've had a long time to think about all of this, consider all possibilities and outcomes.

Thank you.

 

[oliviahurts]

i love something that I can't explain a cold eptyness pulling my organs inward. the wind is pusing me around but it doesn't feel like company. I want to be hugged.

 

[Cheza_mus]

Desperate and ready to die

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

My brain is in worse shape than my penis. Probably smaller and smoother, as well.

 

[OneSadMouse]

Very tired of everything... Life is pain.

 

[Heartaches]

Angry, sad, disappointed, uncomfortable, tired, useless, desperation, anguish, melancholic, obsolete, stupid.

I've been holding a lot of these feelings for a couple of months now, they come and go but never truly leave. I'm tired of everything man, I really am. I feel I'm surrounded by fake people wherever I go, most of them aren't friends but we frequent the same places. Not to mention they can be very hateful people so I try to keep things to myself as much as possible bc I know they'll probably hate me as well.

I want to (metaphorically) scream so badly, but I'd look like a looney, nobody would take me seriously.
It's a lose-lose situation in my head.
Worst part is that I feel some of my closest friends haven't taken me seriously the few times I've discussed the topics with them, as if it doesn't matter or I'm just being dramatic. Maybe I am, at this point I'm not even sure, people have laughed or been disgusted when I've been opened my mouth about someting that hurts me. I think my feelings are only valid if they're validated by someone else.

Wish I could disappear somehow.
I know there are people that could possibly understand me, make me feel worthy and loved but I don't have very high hopes.
I'm just tired and wish everything could end somehow.​

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I'm a deeply closeted optimist.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Was so ready to kill myself this week and then I got scared of the afterlife + started feeling more responsible for not hurting my family + realized that everything is my fault (no guilt or shame, felt liberating) + realized that I was basically given a lot of shit for free while acting like a clown the whole time + started getting in touch with my humanity more. I'm not sure what to think or do at the moment.

 

[motel rooms]

Still feel like I betrayed something (my ideals? lol) & even some people by deciding not to ctb just yet. Our brains are so lame. I've realized I should be very thankful I'm still sure that death is nothing but sweet nothingness. No more hell for me when I die, bitches.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Still feel like I betrayed something (my ideals? lol) & even some people by deciding not to ctb just yet. Our brains are so lame. I've realized I should be very thankful I'm still sure that death is nothing but sweet nothingness. No more hell for me when I die, bitches.

I think that's fantastic that you aren't in a place right now where ctb seems like the right decision. Having options is good. Ctb is always available as an option, but if there are also other options available, why not explore them first?

 

[BottomlessPit]

I just encountered a large group of people roughly my age, and the sole fact of them perceiving me caused me more distress than I'd like to admit.

 

[whywere]

I just encountered a large group of people roughly my age, and the sole fact of them perceiving me caused me more distress than I'd like to admit.

HI! TOTALLY know how you felt.

I feel very sorry for you and send you huge hugs.

I left my home area at 18 and did not go back for 38 years. When I went back it caused so much pain for me thinking of everything that I stayed for 1 day and got the heck out and have never ever returned. It was like I had never left and even 38 years later I met some folks who were as narrow minded and mean as I remembered them to be.

Please have a great Sunday and this week filled with lots of great food and drink and lots of fantastic weather. You are a wonderful soul indeed!

My best to you,

Walter

 

[Celerity]

HI! TOTALLY know how you felt.

I feel very sorry for you and send you huge hugs.

I left my home area at 18 and did not go back for 38 years. When I went back it caused so much pain for me thinking of everything that I stayed for 1 day and got the heck out and have never ever returned. It was like I had never left and even 38 years later I met some folks who were as narrow minded and mean as I remembered them to be.

Please have a great Sunday and this week filled with lots of great food and drink and lots of fantastic weather. You are a wonderful soul indeed!

My best to you,

Walter

I had a similar experience when I had been away for only 7 years. I can't imagine how 38 years would have felt. Memory is so strange. When I moved back to my hometown, the memories of events and circumstances 7 years prior were front and center in my mind as if they had just occurred. Meanwhile, the people and places I had just encountered elsewhere could not have been more distant in my mind. They felt like they came from another lifetime or something. The effect is hard to explain if you haven't lived it.

Thankfully, my hometown has changed a lot and is continuing to change due to economic development. Most of the people I knew, with the exception of my family, are long gone. I still want to leave the area, but it is not hell to be here as it was when I first moved back.

I just encountered a large group of people roughly my age, and the sole fact of them perceiving me caused me more distress than I'd like to admit.

There is a part of me that is so humiliated by what my life has become. It squirms and cringes away whenever I have to describe even the bare bones of how I've gotten where I am, particularly to people my age. Older people are generally so much kinder. They've seen some shit. They know what happens to "best laid plans". I don't feel like an idiotic POS when I talk to them.

 

[in hell out soon]

A little bit creeped out and unsafe. Maybe paranoid. I don't like being woken up randomly like this.

I had a nice night too. I'll talk to the people who made me happy yesterday when they're awake tomorrow so I'm sure I'll cheer back up, but like bleh.

im still suicidal but I'm taking things one day at a time I think. It's going okay