Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Seaghost]

Suicide not allowed. Thank you god.
Living not allowd. Thank you god.
Finding peace not allowed. Thank you god
Try a hospital not allowed. Thank you god

Asking why I need to be here - no answer - not allowed?
Fuck you god!

 

[Panna]

Depressed and hopeless, I'm trying my best, taking time for hygiene, studying, trying to be social and it all feels worthless. Reminds me of another individual who gave life one last chance before giving up and going out in glory. I've never asked for this, I've always tried to be nice and friendly to the best of my ability and it never works out. I ask what am I doing wrong and I never understand what it is. I want it to stop.

 

[cactus]

Tired. My sleep is interrupted with nightmares. I wake up 5-6 times at night. I wake up exhausted. Plus my meds make me tired.

 

[enau]

and old toxic harasser of mine try to recontact me.I dont who i am now, why ima here, i need only to die, but i have to buy drug, n , or sn or...I dont know if i should accept to speak him again, sometimes its toxic , you feel awful, there is a cake of hate for everyone but, it's intense ?this time, i think this would be boring.But i dont have any opinion about myself, why and how should i love myself?Should i agress? should i let someone agress me? why am i this lost? how can this be ? is my brain melting?is there any parasite at this time, eating this brain of mine?

 

[Cannedbones]

I'm not feeling anything. I just feel empty and numb. I can't quite put my finger on it. Wondering if i should live another day or not. I've been spending most of my time locked up in my room, staring at the walls and ceiling. I wish I could be left alone as dissipate into nothingness.

 

[stygal]

So much pain - almost crying at my works restroom.
Im always expected to function: right after a mental-breakdown, a sleepless night, a medical procedure....capitalism is so much fun.

"Take a day off" "Great, I get to do double the amount of work tomorrow then"

Aaaahh

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

It's getting worse, day by day. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear……………………

 

[littlelungs]

I feel so fucking pathetic right now.

I decided to eat something so that I'd be able to sleep without continuously waking up from being hungry, because I'm ill as fuck, my back is really giving me hell today and I just really need the rest.

I had 1.5 pieces of flatbread and some hummus... but both things can fill a person up very quickly and there's a very fine line between me being comfortably full and me getting fucking harassed by this overwhelming compulsion in my head that tells me that I need to purge. I'm trying to tell myself that it's not a lot of food, it's just very filling, I won't feel like this forever, blah blah blah, but now I can't stop crying and grabbing at my stomach; it's hard to describe but when I feel like this, it's like I can almost "feel" the food turning into fat and I get this overwhelming urge to get rid of it ASAP, and it's taking every last little bit of me to not act on it.

I want to purge so fucking badly but I can't because it would mess my body up even more and I REALLY can't afford it. Even on a "good" day I barely have the "eNeRgY" to stand up because of this life-ruining illness, never mind deal with the rest of my shit-show of a self. I've been stuck with this eating disorder since I was 13, and it's part of the reason why my condition got so bad so quickly in the first place, during and after my last major relapse 4/5 years ago... like, fuck OFF already. How many issues can one person have. God.

I don't even mean to sound like I feel sorry for myself. I don't. I'm just so sick of everything, in all aspects of the word.

I'm going as fast as I can to be ready to go without being careless, and I'm making good progress, but it never feels fast enough. I'm SO READY to finally be free from all of this.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Don't wanna go to sleep but I have to :(

 

[clown_17]

Panic attack. Leg hurts. Also I ate too much today. Everything is wearing down on me. I want a rest this is too stressful. I don't know what I'm doing I'm so stupid

 

[stygal]

I just impulse bought clothes (??) -
Monster Energy T-Shirt, "ugly motherfucker" shirt, a Japanese school uniform, a Shirt that says "maskulin" & a Playboy cap
Strange way to distract myself I guess...

 

[thebigpigman]

SI just impulse bought clothes (??) -
Monster Energy T-Shirt, "ugly motherfucker" shirt, a Japanese school uniform, a Shirt that says "maskulin" & a Playboy cap
Strange way to distract myself I guess...

Stygal is a demon who brings death. Am I right?

 

[stygal]

Stygal is a demon who brings death. Am I right?

Yes, that's what an extract from a book in a store said and I kinda liked the ring of it :)

 

[thebigpigman]

I been into demonology, to punish folks, I failed to do that. Now I have to die with them laughing and enjoying their life.

Yes, that's what an extract from a book in a store said and I kinda liked the ring of it :)

 

[gu1klh]

sadness thats slowly turning into anger. thats pretty much it

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

If I actually end up having SN in my hands this whole thing will be at another level than just talking shit online and posting memes. I definitely believe I am the kind of person that can pull off a suicide with this sort of method, my only problem with other methods have been physical pain, no mental blocks so far. You never really know until you're there, though. A lot of people have problems chugging or pulling the trigger. I am not in a desperate situation and probably won't be able to fall any lower than where I am now within a short-to-medium time frame.

Pros: Getting it done, would most likely happen otherwise (just later). Avoiding future pain.

Cons: Small possibility of attaining spiritual enlightenment cancelled, infinitesimal chance of somehow getting a girlfriend removed.

Other considerations: Would be better if my little sister was older when I CTB. Would want to be ripped when I die. Family suffers a bit.

 

[Manaaja]

Why does everything turn into a pit fight so easily? If you don't like what another person posts, block them. No need to fight over things (in reference to a few other threads, I don't mean anyone from this thread.) That said, sometimes drama is tasty in low doses.

Intelligent creatures get bored easily. I remember when I was young they said bird flu would be the end of the world. Then they said swine flu would be the end of the world. Now they're saying the bat flu will be the end of the world. History repeats itself. The only difference is that swine flu was worse than bat flu (only vaccinated, old, diseased people have suffered, but of course all unnecessary suffering is bad and no innocent should suffer). Someone got the swine flu and their skin hurt so much they couldn't wear clothes (wait a min, or did they get that from a vacc too?! O_O never thought of that, was she unvaccinated or not?). I heard no one get anything from bird flu. But several young people developed narcolepsy from a vaccine. I've been anti non-Digimon vaccine ever since. No one should suffer from narcolepsy.

If only people would die of old age younger. I'd be free. I could do whatever I want. I don't want to be a prisoner to my narc parents anymore. I want to be free. I'm in my twenties, narc parents in their seventies and sixties. Yet they control my whole life. I hate it. Either I die of ctb or they die of old age/disease/accident. I'm gonna be free either way. I'm so happy when I think about never meeting them ever again. I'm smiling.

Free of the people of this world. Free to meet people of other realities. I'm so happy when like that. :)

 

[http-410]

I feel utterly hopeless and in severe emotional pain.

This was the second or third night in a row where I could only sleep with sleeping pills. I am caught in a downward spiral and the outcome is clear. Nevertheless, for some reason I still cling to every straw, but they break as soon as I touch them.

Who can help me when even professionals can't help me?

 

[logan]

I feel utterly hopeless and in severe emotional pain.

This was the second or third night in a row where I could only sleep with sleeping pills. I am caught in a downward spiral and the outcome is clear. Nevertheless, for some reason I still cling to every straw, but they break as soon as I touch them.

Who can help me when even professionals can't help me?

We can certainly help you a little here if you tell us what is particularly bothering you at the moment.

Just try to go for a walk before you sleep, take a warm shower and drink a warm milk with honey.

That is certainly not a solution - but it helps.

 

[nottheend]

Tired confused don't know what to do ready to die but not ready god knows..

 

[http-410]

Just try to go for a walk before you sleep, take a warm shower and drink a warm milk with honey.

That is certainly not a solution - but it helps.

I know this is well-meaning advice and I don't want to sound ungrateful at all, but when you feel like you're being constantly torn apart inside, none of this helps. No one knows how to ease the pain. I think what is bothering me right now is the hopelessness, there is no way out of this misery but suicide.

Many people say suicide is a decision, almost like choosing between two types of ice cream. In my case, it's not a decision - my options and attempts to change things for the better became smaller and smaller and now non-existent, so I'm forced to kill myself. I have no other choice even if I wanted to. I don't want to die, but there is no other way.

Therapists can't help me, even the people from a "suicide prevention" association don't know how to help me.

Everyone always says the same thing, either:
"I don't know what else to tell you." or "Try medication and therapy." - The fact that I've tried that countless times and it's only made things way worse doesn't seem to bother anyone. It pisses me off when people say "I haven't found the right therapist or medication yet". They don't know anything, they don't know what I've already tried, what (potentially fatal) side effects I've dealt with. Or they know it when I tell them and they ignore it. Fuck you all (not directed at you).

Nothing can help me if I am the problem.

I am a lost cause, and accepting that is difficult. The only solution is to remove the problem - me.

Sorry for this vent, maybe I needed that. I know you mean well, but I am lost.

 

[logan]

I know this is well-meaning advice and I don't want to sound ungrateful at all, but when you feel like you're being constantly torn apart inside, none of this helps. No one knows how to ease the pain. I think what is bothering me right now is the hopelessness, there is no way out of this misery but suicide.

Many people say suicide is a decision, almost like choosing between two types of ice cream. In my case, it's not a decision - my options and attempts to change things for the better became smaller and smaller and now non-existent, so I'm forced to kill myself. I have no other choice even if I wanted to. I don't want to die, but there is no other way.

Therapists can't help me, even the people from a "suicide prevention" association don't know how to help me.

Everyone always says the same thing, either:
"I don't know what else to tell you." or "Try medication and therapy." - The fact that I've tried that countless times and it's only made things way worse doesn't seem to bother anyone. It pisses me off when people say "I haven't found the right therapist or medication yet". They don't know anything, they don't know what I've already tried, what (potentially fatal) side effects I've dealt with. Or they know it when I tell them and they ignore it. Fuck you all (not directed at you).

Nothing can help me if I am the problem.

I am a lost cause, and accepting that is difficult. The only solution is to remove the problem - me.

Sorry for this vent, maybe I needed that. I know you mean well, but I am lost.

Even if you don't believe it - I can understand it well - I don't feel any better either ...

Maybe it helps to set a goal and use that as a straw.

I don't really have a solution either - it's just cruel.
Every day is a challenge and it doesn't get better.

 

[aviation]

I want to go home. All I ever want is to go home. All I ever talk about is home, and missing it so much. All I can talk about is home, which is why I barely ever talk. It hurts so much to be away. It hurts that I will never be able to talk to anyone who understands, no matter where I go, no matter who I talk to. And at the same time, I would never trade it for anything. I belong to my home, on a true level, and I love it so much that words like that can never even come close. I feel like I'm in two places at once, almost. On a surface level, in this empty shell of a world - but all my feelings and my love and my values and my groundwork, my core of being, who I am, lies with home, and is for and of my home. My application, my body, is in this world, but my being is from home, and that's all there is on a true level. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home.

 

[Panna]

I was thinking about this myself today, in my opinion home, is comfort, safety, and a place to belong. I've never felt like I've belonged anywhere I've been, family or friends, every interaction always ends with mental pain, irrational worry that I said something or did something wrong accidentally that makes them upset, even here ironically if someone doesn't respond fast enough. Makes me wonder if I'd ever find home. Maybe my standards are too high, or perhaps I'm just incapable of being happy with what I have. Something that my scout master back in cub scouts years ago always said. That I was selfish and I should appreciate the now instead of wanting more. In more recent years I told my mentor my worries and wishes to just feel like I belong amongst normal people, instead of constantly feeling inferior where ever I go. Him just shaking his head sadly and telling me that I would never have this since I'm him to the t when he was my age has always stuck with me. Am I just cursed to suffer needlessly until I can't take it anymore and finally just kill myself? At least then I wouldn't have all these worries and thoughts in my head. At least in death i will finally be free of these thoughts that while are important now, will be nonexistent cares when the thing that is me finally vanishes. Death is "home", no more pain or fear, just a sweet belonging that nothing in life can hope to compare to. Honestly that thought is the greatest comfort.

 

[whywere]

It's getting worse, day by day. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear. I just want to disappear……………………

Hi! I hope that you feel better and that you are having a good weekend. You are a awesome soul with so much love and kindness that it makes my days better knowing you are here on SS.

Have a great rest of this weekend and a great week!

Hugs and love abound!

Walter

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Hi! I hope that you feel better and that you are having a good weekend. You are a awesome soul with so much love and kindness that it makes my days better knowing you are here on SS.

Have a great rest of this weekend and a great week!

Hugs and love abound!

Walter

Thank you, Walter, so much!!! I hope you're doing better too!!!!

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Wrung out. Strained. Tense.

Fighting back tears, but already cried for hours.

Talked to my late best friend's sister. I always break down when we talk. She's the only one who truly understands how close E and I were. She saw our relationship first-hand, she saw how we were soul mates. The three of us have matching tattoos.

 

[Seaghost]

Took an half Antivan 1,25mgr. I don't want to be sad anymore.
Now I'm a little numb. The sadness is more locked in.
Morpheus gimme the blue pill. Now!
Give this body full reset.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I want to blast a shotgun to my face. Now!

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Nofap is hitting HARD, finishing up day 4 rn. Mindfulness, nofap, lifting and waking up the same time every day is what affects me (for good or bad). Want to push on these as much as possible before deciding to ctb (if I even get the chance to ctb). Seeing things as experiences rather than problems is calming, thinking a lot about my mistakes and how stupid I am. It's a real clusterfuck, everything is so messy.