verminoid

verminoid

REPENT NOW
Dec 13, 2019
26
like shit on the ground

last march i lost my job because of covid and moved 3 hours from my friends and back in with parents
in june of last year i attempted suicide and was in a coma for a week
i also sustained a pretty back hypoxic tbi which kept me from working for a year
my stepdad almost kicked me out because he "hates lazy people"
i got another job in march which i like very much but my mental health is spiraling and my mental health worker and psychiatrist and neurologist all say that if i need to quit, i should do it and they'd support me going back on disability
tonight at my birthday dinner my stepdad, while discussing politics, that he thinks people who don't work should live in shipping containers and eat bread and roadkill until they start making their own money again
he looked right at me when he said it
i feel like shit on the ground
 
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D

draw a circle

out.
Apr 10, 2020
300
Sad as shit and very angry at people and myself. I want to exercise and lose weight but also i feel like i deserve to at least eat whatever i want as a compensation for having to be alive. I really just want to die. I wish i can just do it without thinking of the consequences.
 
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K

Kaisler

Am I good enough ?
Sep 19, 2021
51
A bit anxious right now, cause until now I still can't find the last piece for my regime. Damn it.
 
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UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

1O'8
Dec 4, 2020
2,217
Not to brag, but I'm the biggest waste of space the world has ever seen.
...
The work schedule just came in. I have 10 days free at the end of October. I should really embrace this opportunity and extend my vacation to forever.
 
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T

TiredReality

New Member
Mar 17, 2021
1
Frustration and anger
 
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http-410

http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
1,043
Extremely exhausted, dissociated af, and suicidal. My head is killing me, this is too much, I can't handle the memories or my being. I want to rip this head off, this is unbearable.
 
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hʚll

hʚll

not real.
Jun 18, 2021
467
really sad
 
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H

HYMMYH

Member
Sep 18, 2021
25
Taquicardia, palpitação
 
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Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
The crushing emptiness and the anhedonic depression are their own thing, but the fucking agonizing stress my OCD randomly causes me is the real twist of the knife. My mind has mutated into something that not only attacks itself at every opportunity, but is also the kind of thing that is forever cannibalistically devouring itself as a result of this process. My brain, next to being a pile of melted mush, feels more tumour-like in its functions as opposed to anything else. Other than that, everything continues to get worse for me as time goes on, but that's hardly any surprise.
 
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UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

1O'8
Dec 4, 2020
2,217
I had a big argument with my parents just a few minutes ago. I screamed so loudly my voice broke. I screamed obscenities and my heart broke and my brain is combusting. Feels like I dissociated, like I'm walking on air, like there's nothing outside of me, no light, I'm blinded by anguish. Like a supermassive black hole sucked me in. I felt it's pull from the morning. I knew it would end up like this.
And I'm working in two hours. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together. I'm so afraid I'll get triggered by a coworker, that I'll lose control and get in an argument. And when I do (like I did 5 min ago) it's not a pretty sight. My coworkers haven't accepted me (big surprise!) and this would make things worse. Moreover, I'm afraid that I'll fuck something up. My concentration is now like debris spinning around this forcefull pull, crushing, disintegrating. Memories and visions and an amalgam of both are intruding all day. I hope they won't come out.
 
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Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
More reminders today that, for as vast as it is, the internet is essentially no different than a desolate wasteland. There's a veritable ocean of activity, but it's an ocean filled to the brim with nothing less than corrosive fecal magma. It doesn't matter where, or what part of it you're talking about, since it's all the same garbage. Then again, I suppose it can be argued that I'm just a bitter curmudgeon who tends to hate/dislike just about everything under the sun, so I guess it's no wonder I don't really fit in anywhere, or have much of a positive reception in those rare times I do actually try to say something on a more mainstream website (like reddit, for instance). When it comes to high traffic subs, one of three things always seems to happen. Callous indifference, outright vitriol, or a mod just immediately locks and deletes my post for no reason at all. It seems every few months I try to make a random post there, one of those three things happen, and then I just go back to not saying or doing anything beyond this website. At the end of the day, I'm just so sick of both my, and everyone else's stupid bullshit. Ultimately, stuff like this happening just deepens my already great disdain of other people, and the otherwise extreme alienation I feel from everything as it is.
 
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A

auror.

Member
Jun 7, 2021
51
It's funny when the people you're living for are the ones making you miserable.
 
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M

Molded foundation

Student
Sep 17, 2021
136
I feel like a shadow wandering through the night, searching for myself under every streetlight. I keep trying to find my original body, but to no avail; I just sit down and fade away under the stars when the sun's dawn appears each morning.
 
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BottomlessPit

BottomlessPit

Staring at the edge
Apr 28, 2021
423
It has become quite a common occurrence for me to be overcome by a sudden surge of frustration when trying to write a reply for this forum. My inability to express myself in a proper way has troubled me for so many years now. It causes me so much frustration and anger, I almost broke my fucking phone in half trying to write this very post. Sometimes I just want to scream obscenities into the void and destroy myself and everything around me. And I actually do that quite regularly, but only in my imagination. No matter how all-consuming my anger is, it always remains confined in my own being. And it seems that I'm starting to crack.
 
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SleepDealer

SleepDealer

Your Imaginary Friend
Aug 13, 2021
138
Fuck, I can't stop checking this website over and over, hoping for some kind of peaceful method that doesn't require fucking around with bitcoin and absurdly expensive powders that have a good chance of never even showing up! With my luck, even if I got my hands on N or SN I'd still come out alive. I'm so tired. Let me go, please let me go.

I have so few hours in a week where I'm guaranteed to be alone, I can't keep wasting them on failed attempts. I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I already pushed my luck today, I spent so long with a rope around my neck that the mark is purple and still here hours later. I can't afford to be seen with anything like that. Just put me out of my misery, this stress is unbearable.
 
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iamthewalrus

iamthewalrus

certified idiot
Aug 27, 2021
31
feeling anxious and sad. lots of thoughts
 
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UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

1O'8
Dec 4, 2020
2,217
Nothing. I'm half-drunk, half-high and all ready to go to sleep. Best moment in my day.
 
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DunnoWhyButYeah

DunnoWhyButYeah

~*-*~
Apr 3, 2020
385
Today I'm not anxious or depressed, I'm confused. I don't know what I feel, but maybe after I have wrote this I know. I feel like I've found something special long ago. Somehow he's always close to me even though he's not really close. I can't even describe this feeling, I've never been able to. It just feels like I've found something and want to "cherish" it. I guess it's not love, I don't know if it's even crush? The feeling is much deeper and more multidimensional...

I've known him for quite some time, from the beginning this situation has been something I don't get a grip on. At some point, I realized that it's hard to stay away from him. And it doesn't seem easy for him either. Still, I never cross the line, I'm just happy he exists. He's shockingly handsome&cute and smart (what was first thing what impressed me), but I try not to think of him that way.

We could never be a couple, and I don't really want that if I thought about it more (or I'm so afraid to admit it to myself?). We have talked a lot about emotions, with him it is so easy. Still, it feels like something is holding me back and I don't really want to go this deeper inside me.

It's easy to talk about what would happen if you fell in love. He is a more rational person, I go for more emotions above. I have never met him face to face, but still spent a lot of time together from beginning. Too much time.

After this.... Still I don't know what I feel, but maybe I'm closer to know it. I think he is just good friend to me with "special connection" and I'm happy with that.
 
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motel rooms

motel rooms

Survivor of incest. Gay. Please don't PM me.
Apr 13, 2021
7,084
It has become quite a common occurrence for me to be overcome by a sudden surge of frustration when trying to write a reply for this forum. My inability to express myself in a proper way has troubled me for so many years now. It causes me so much frustration and anger, I almost broke my fucking phone in half trying to write this very post. Sometimes I just want to scream obscenities into the void and destroy myself and everything around me. And I actually do that quite regularly, but only in my imagination. No matter how all-consuming my anger is, it always remains confined in my own being. And it seems that I'm starting to crack.
If you don't have a controlled explosion, you're gonna have an uncontrolled implosion. In fact, you're experiencing a prolonged implosion already. You have to express your justified anger, you know I know what I'm talking about... I use a punching bag, but big pillows also make good victims. You can scream into them & even bite them ( yes, I'm literally a pillow-biter :)) ). Even ripping up empty notebooks & destroying cheap plastic toys can be therapeutic. Have you read Graf von Leiningen's thread entitled "Self-Harm"? You really should, because something similar might happen to you as well. You overly civilized, self-flagellating perfectionists break my heart, you really do... :hug:
 
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P

pierrelapin

Member
Sep 21, 2021
13
Empty, sad, tired,
 
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O

OrcWitch

Warlock
Sep 3, 2021
703
I feel like a fraud. I don't now what I am doing. I feel ugly. I think my new friend would not be treating me so nicely if she knew crucial details about who I am. I do not feel like a real person.
 
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Seaghost

Seaghost

Specialist
Apr 14, 2019
301
Don't feel save at home. It's like an emergancy program 's running.
Exausting....need to be modified.
 
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UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

1O'8
Dec 4, 2020
2,217
Can't sleep. Eating a sandwich at 1 a.m. Have to get up at 5 a.m for work. Tomorrow is mowing day. This could actually work in my favor. If I cram my headphones and break through the wall of exaustion, I may just be able to pull through.
Mustn't forget eye-drops to not look like I'm about to die.

"You know the night defines the day
Day reflects the night
Tried to mown
All that lawn
Break on through to the other side!"
 
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aviation

aviation

It's time to go home.
Jul 30, 2021
127
I really want to go home. I miss the people there. I miss what things feel like and what things are like, what people feel like, the places I remember, I miss my life there, I miss it so much. It's another one of those stay-up-crying nights. The only thing that means anything to me now is that I'll get to go home soon. I miss my own world, and I'm so tired of this place. I want to go home, I'm tired, and I miss home so much.
 
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motel rooms

motel rooms

Survivor of incest. Gay. Please don't PM me.
Apr 13, 2021
7,084
I really want to go home. I miss the people there. I miss what things feel like and what things are like, what people feel like, the places I remember, I miss my life there,
How did you end up on this planet? Did you die?
 
aviation

aviation

It's time to go home.
Jul 30, 2021
127
How did you end up on this planet? Did you die?
Not planet. Different realities. Feel free to skip this explanation, if you like. Reality, everything you know and experience on every level, everything that can be or happen or exist (here, in this world), is made up of the same essence, energy, 'fabric'. This is the fabric of the soul, and of everything we experience within the reality we are in. In that sense, 'reality' (a world) is a circle surrounded by everything ('fabric for everything'), and everyone and everything ('self-contained; what the fabric is shaped into by this circle') flows on the inside, the outside is 'free' - it is not shaped, and everything that is inside the circle is applied from that and itself. And calling it a circle is, to make this clear, only a visualization, as a 'shape for visualization' for myself; this fabric is not space or let alone shapes or 'anything', on that level of application, as it's what makes anything into what it is, anything we can think of needs to be shaped first, and this is 'outside' of that, it is what shapes it. A reality, a world, a 'circle' in terms of that visualization, can be a universe, or multiverse, it can be anything within the constraints it's been given, as it shapes energy, 'fabric' into anything at all - and the flow of this energy is the same throughout, and it mirrors through everything like that, it is just 'governed', 'shaped' by the constraints of this 'circle' (a reality).

So, everything here is shaped the way it is by the outsets that it has, the 'border of the circle', in a sense. If you wish to use a visualization, you can imagine that there is an undefinable large 'field' of 'space' (though there isn't any space), and within that field, there are 'circles' (again, only visualization) - and everything that is experienced in what we know as reality, our universe, and anything and everything that can happen and exist in it, at all, is contained within our circle. This is everything you can know, in your world, in that sense. My soulful groundwork is that of a different 'circle'/reality, and this reality is my home. I began growing into my memories of home and as such of the 'outside' (we, here, by default, are 'cut off', in the sense that (our) reality is fully and entirely self-contained by default, with no 'direct' knowledge of the outside (or of there even being anything beyond the 'borders' of our reality) being accessible on a direct level) from age 12, which is known as the age of past-life memory recollection at home - this does not apply within our circle, as its 'outsets' (how it defines the fabric for being of any kind) do not include past lives - a soul that gets born here will generally 'form' (sort of), get shaped from scratch, in a way, and as such, there is nothing prior - I am an exception there (and who knows if there are others). You can think of the outsets as 'rules' that are defined in advance, they are the boundaries within which the flow of energy ('content' would work there, maybe) happens/can happen. Essentially, this includes all possibilities within a world, anything it can include, anything that can but may never happen is part of the 'groundwork' of this world, the boundaries of it, the outsets. These are the rules by which reality shapes itself, by which applications of souls (how our groundwork of being applies itself) are defined - what everything has to happen within.

So, yes. Same soul, different application thereof. Past life.
(Do with this what you will, I'm only sharing so much to answer your question. People generally don't appreciate honesty, when it comes to this, but I'm also the past the point of justifying myself for who I am or where I'm from.)
 
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Mr2005

Mr2005

Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
Sep 25, 2018
3,622
Frustrated, hurt, betrayed
 
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motel rooms

motel rooms

Survivor of incest. Gay. Please don't PM me.
Apr 13, 2021
7,084
So, yes. Same soul, different application thereof. Past life.
(Do with this what you will, I'm only sharing so much to answer your question. People generally don't appreciate honesty, when it comes to this, but I'm also the past the point of justifying myself for who I am or where I'm from.)

That's certainly elaborate. Don't worry, I won't call you delusional, I was just curious. It must feel great to know exactly where you've come from & where you're going.
 
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hʚll

hʚll

not real.
Jun 18, 2021
467
idk who i am. i am not this. i don't think i ever existed. i don't have much memory. the few things i can remember, they feel so fake. everything feels so alien. it's scary.
i keep asking "who are you". and this you is so fragmented. i can't even begin to understand who all these yous are.
i feel like i was brought here with the only mission to free whatever this thing is from the corruption of life. after that, i don't know what will happen. but it doesn't feel a problem. because i don't exist.
 
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T

Thingsneverchange

Death is my friend
Sep 23, 2021
110
Been having some really bad days lately. Was hospitalized, and got discharged within 3 days. Don't think they would have discharged me if they knew I'd end up on this website. (Nothing against this website, I like it, but you know...)

Also haven't slept at all tonight
 
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