Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[2stubborn2die]

Right now? Emptiness.
Claustrophobia, as if all things around me were enclosing me.
Anxiety. I feel my brain like it were encapsulated on an airtight tube or something.
My chest hurts like if by force of oppression my heart would be shrinking.

 

[Life_and_Death]

thinking about those 5 drinks in my fridge... wondering why not..

 

[fragmentary]

i wish i could socialize "naturally". i'm autistic and grew up socially stunted. just being the weird quiet kid nobody really paid attention to, all throughout middle school and high school, is miserable enough. once you miss those hallmarks growing up you can't go back. you're constantly uncomfortable around others and they're disconcerted by your presence too because there's something "off" about you.

i had to build up courage to even sign up and post to this site.

even when i try to socialize it still inevitably saps a lot of my energy.

 

[Lullaby]

I am so, so, so tired. I've been on this site since 2019? There's definitely been periods where things felt horrible in my life, but now? It genuinely feels like I'm finally a dead end.

I wish I knew how to explain it. Life has broken me down in various ways over the last two years, in such a brutal way. I felt genuine happiness for the first time in years in 2022 - I felt hope that my situation was going to improve, and of course life is so sick that it snatched that all away from me.

Now I feel more empty inside than I ever have; I have been through so much hell in my life, and I can safely say I've never felt this broken.

I'm really hoping this is the last year I do this loop. Why am I fighting to stay alive, when I'm constantly being kicked down? I just want to leave this nightmare already.

I used to hope that there was something on the other side after this life, to have made the pain worth it - but now I genuinely don't care. Even if there's just nothing after I die, that's okay. It's better than this.

 

[Celerity]

Wasted my 20s, and now here I am at 30 trying to figure all this shit out that I should have begun years ago. People expect more of me than I can possibly hope to deliver. My worst fear is that all this effort will be for nothing, that I'm just spinning my wheels like a rat in a cage.

 

[lifeeternal]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

I feel so alone, I just miss when I felt real, I miss being in love not only with others but with myself, with life, with the people around me and how they treated me. I miss going to school I miss talking to people, I miss people wanting to talk to me, I just feel like I constantly burden everyone around me, no one cares when I walk into a room or when I call or text. I miss enjoying life, because I know I did. at some point, I just can't for the life of me remember when that was, or when it changed.

I am so, so, so tired. I've been on this site since 2019? There's definitely been periods where things felt horrible in my life, but now? It genuinely feels like I'm finally a dead end.

I wish I knew how to explain it. Life has broken me down in various ways over the last two years, in such a brutal way. I felt genuine happiness for the first time in years in 2022 - I felt hope that my situation was going to improve, and of course life is so sick that it snatched that all away from me.

Now I feel more empty inside than I ever have; I have been through so much hell in my life, and I can safely say I've never felt this broken.

I'm really hoping this is the last year I do this loop. Why am I fighting to stay alive, when I'm constantly being kicked down? I just want to leave this nightmare already.

I used to hope that there was something on the other side after this life, to have made the pain worth it - but now I genuinely don't care. Even if there's just nothing after I die, that's okay. It's better than this.

This is really similar to how I feel, sometimes it feels like life gives you really good times just so it can have the satisfaction of taking them away and seeing you completely crumble. it's so draining.

 

[Life_and_Death]

"why have you been having so many nightmares?" exhus
"oh, idk. the high amount of trauma i have"
"yeah"
you cant actually be that stupid as to what youre fucking doing to me.
when i said things like "no ones fucking good for me", he dared to have the fucking audacity to give me a dirty look or whatever. youre a fucking dipshit that needs to get his nose out of his ass

 

[trashhologram]

I'm a triple F; Fat Fucking Failure. I think I'm relapsing on anorexia nervosa after over a year in recovery. I want to relapse. I want it to kill me.

 

[Bobby Fisher]

I feel like I'm going to end up in life experiencing trauma no human should go through
It genuinely hurts me even to think about, I don't know whether it's anxiety or what but I fucking hope the shit I think about doesn't come true

 

[Lostandlooking]

I wish everything would just stop for a while. I'm just so tired and need some rest. But there's always this neverending list of things to get done. There's always something that needs attention. It literally never stops. I want it to stop. Please stop. Fucking stop.

 

[Life_and_Death]

almost told my bf about the shroom bar..
and playing a dice game (farkle) at the same time. i scarily started rolling waaay too many 6-6-6

i want to be honest and tell him.
i want to get my exhus to buy me another one...

i dont want him to get upset with me for lying..
i want him to give me a hug and tell me he understands im hurting..

hed have every right to be pissed off with me..
before i even touched it he said that he felt we couldnt be together if i did...
its not like i didnt know..

i hate that hes right, i care more about drugs than him...

 

[useless_friend]

Exhausted, empty. Playing a game which I hate and whose rules I have never understood.

 

[avalanches]

Humiliated and stuck

No matter where I go, it's all bleak. Trying to even imagine what my future will be like feels phsyically painful. All I want is to disappear so no one is forced to look at my pitiful existence. When I talk to people, I can't help but feel as though they know everything I've done. It feels like everyone around me "knows" and wants me dead.

My guilt isn't even that bad, I just feel like an utter disappointment and failure.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i slept 1.5hrs... and still had a nightmare...

 

[Life_and_Death]

almost told my bf about the shroom bar..
and playing a dice game (farkle) at the same time. i scarily started rolling waaay too many 6-6-6

i want to be honest and tell him.
i want to get my exhus to buy me another one...

i dont want him to get upset with me for lying..
i want him to give me a hug and tell me he understands im hurting..

hed have every right to be pissed off with me..
before i even touched it he said that he felt we couldnt be together if i did...
its not like i didnt know..

i hate that hes right, i care more about drugs than him...

wonderful, im lying and doing drugs and hes all "i love you and understand you get upset because you care"
do i? i do something, you get upset and i dont listen. the whole time telling myself i know im wrong..
but youre all sweet and caring..
youre not being nice because you know do you? no, its just my bpd. im over thinking.. youre just an awesome guy that shouldnt be with someone like me... but someone like me needs someone like you to balance out my scales.. i need your sweetness when my hate gets too heavy.. id get engulfed by myself and the hurt if it wasnt for you..

 

[trashhologram]

I fucking hate that my teeth (or a tooth, at least for now) are literally crumbling. It started about 2 years ago when I ate a breakfast biscuit in the evening and after that noticed that my tooth felt off. I brushed it off but the next day when I was eating another biscuit I felt like some of it was stuck on ny tooth so I swiped it off with my finger and half of a tooth fell off. Then a few months ago I ate chocolate with small hand candy pieces and felt a crack in that tooth. A few days later a bit of that tooth fell off. Now I was eating SMOOTH PEANUT BUTTER AND CHOCOLATE and a piece of the tooth chipped off. Fortunately my other teeth didn't crack as I accidentally chewed on it. Now when I smile and you look on my left side you can see a black spot. There used to be a whole ass tooth. Not anymore, now there's like 1/4 of one. And guess who is very fucking scared of the dentist? THIS BITCH

 

[6_6]

like it's too early to be thinking about death. but like i haven't been enough.. and maybe that's what's kept me from doing my best work, being present today. maybe it's the end that wills the means... if i can imagine an exit that comes with peace of mind, knowing i did everything i could, maybe i can find it in miraculous ways.
but that's all it will be: me satisfying me for my sake. not some altruistic 'higher good'. that feels like something to be ashamed of. as does just about everything about me. but maybe my mind is only to be trusted as much as my flesh: not, at all...
silence might be the best answer.
thanks for this prompt <3

 

[gar3z]

everything is so dirty I cant atop crying everything is gross and I don't want to touch anything gross I need to leave the room but I can't because everything around me is disgusting I can't even get out of the bed right nowI never felt so pathetic before

 

[Sluggish_Slump]

Frustrated. Been listening to suicide podcasts on spotify and came across the podcast "suicide notes" and the host asks many suicide attempters if they would take the "peaceful pill" (painlessly drifting off to sleep and dying peacefully) right now during the interview or the same day and many answer "yes". Essentially, many people choose to live only because it is physically painful to die and they're wired to be aversed to pain.

 

[useless_friend]

Frustrated. Been listening to suicide podcasts on spotify and came across the podcast "suicide notes" and the host asks many suicide attempters if they would take the "peaceful pill" (painlessly drifting off to sleep and dying peacefully) right now during the interview or the same day and many answer "yes". Essentially, many people choose to live only because it is physically painful to die and they're wired to be aversed to pain.

And that is exactly the problem for most of us! Thanks for sharing.

 

[Krobo]

I have to say that not giving a shit anymore is very liberating. Spent over $200 on a mobile game in just 15 minutes, felt great. Makes me want to gamble some more. Burning a few thousand dollars is something I can absolutely afford if I don't care about saving for the future.

Something I regret a bit is that there's a lot of stuff that I'd been planning to write that will go unwritten, stuff to create that won't be created.

Calling it a leaving a legacy behind would be ridiculously pompous. But hobbyist communities and such have pools of community resources, knowledge built up for others' sakes.

There are many details that you learn of via years of experience and trial and error—information that tends not to get written down in accessible places, that newer members don't know about and possibly never will given the direction things are going in—that I'd like to contribute. Well, that's the cost of not giving a shit anymore.

One and a half weeks, give or take

 

[Life_and_Death]

wonderful, im lying and doing drugs and hes all "i love you and understand you get upset because you care"
do i? i do something, you get upset and i dont listen. the whole time telling myself i know im wrong..
but youre all sweet and caring..
youre not being nice because you know do you? no, its just my bpd. im over thinking.. youre just an awesome guy that shouldnt be with someone like me... but someone like me needs someone like you to balance out my scales.. i need your sweetness when my hate gets too heavy.. id get engulfed by myself and the hurt if it wasnt for you..

well.. he kinda knows... i didnt tell him what just that i f'ed up and i swear i learned my lesson...
im terrified he'll ask or find out..
but i think its good this way..
he said he cant see us being together if i did..
if he doesnt know then he cant be in that hopeless mindset that would ensure it..
it leaves me still feeling bad, keeping me on my toes while forcing me to push forward so i can finally say "see, its ok"
a happy medium??
i think i hate myself enough for him anyway...

Spoiler: TW

i told myself things like im so worthless no one would even want to buy me....

theres got to be a point where youre sitting there thinking, 'maybe thats harsh enough...'
but this way... i can still hate myself for being dishonest but not that much..

---

i "re-did" the xoxo's...
instead of hugs and kisses i thought they could mean suicide (x) and worthlessness (o)
"aww thats so sweet"
actually it means i hate myself

 

[leaches.peaches]

it feels like all i do is ruin and fuck things up. i'm so tired of trying and making things worse for not only me but everyone around me. i'm tired of putting in effort for people who wouldn't do the same to me. i'm so tired of trying. but i'm also not ready to give up. i do have hopes and dreams but is it worse for me to kms before i get there, or to watch it all fall apart around me know it was my doing.

 

[amaluuk]

scared. just want to find something that works

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Even when I don't feel like dying much, that's when the realization sets in that I need to be dead because of how evil and callous I can be.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Earlier today I drank over half a 375ml bottle of vodka and preceded to have a drunken meltdown, where, if I remember correctly, I was crying, moaning, vomiting, trying to post explicit videos and images of myself to reddit (I got banned from a subreddit), cut myself to the bean, sent explicit videos of myself to a stranger on snapchat, sent a bunch of drunked messages declaring my love to that older man, along with messages about how he is too good for me, sent an email in response to a message from my school saying that I hate myself, and then I think I posted some stuff on here.

It was a crazy day to say the least. I'm feeling better now. I had to lie about having a nosebleed to my mom so that was something (there was blood on the paper towels). I'm better now.

Sorry if this was hard to read. I didn't wake up that long ago.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Tim's temporarily brought back my favorite donut.. (the walnut crunch)
i remember when they discontinued them, i was listening to the radio. i was literally upset. i either wanted to or i did cry
i have bpd..
this is my favorite i should be jumping off the wall, "OMG OMG OMG OMG YES!!!!"
instead im depressed and not interested...
its just sitting there. i havent even opened the bag ..

my broken is broken

 

[Life_and_Death]

life just gets better and better.
i went from working in one trigger place to another trigger place.
someone please burn me

 

[useless_friend]

Earlier today I drank over half a 375ml bottle of vodka and preceded to have a drunken meltdown, where, if I remember correctly, I was crying, moaning, vomiting, trying to post explicit videos and images of myself to reddit (I got banned from a subreddit), cut myself to the bean, sent explicit videos of myself to a stranger on snapchat, sent a bunch of drunked messages declaring my love to that older man, along with messages about how he is too good for me, sent an email in response to a message from my school saying that I hate myself, and then I think I posted some stuff on here.

It was a crazy day to say the least. I'm feeling better now. I had to lie about having a nosebleed to my mom so that was something (there was blood on the paper towels). I'm better now.

Sorry if this was hard to read. I didn't wake up that long ago.

You had a productive day, at least !

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Why do I have to feel this way towards him? I love him so much it hurts! I WANT TO BE WITH HIM BUT HE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO START A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ONCE HE SEES WHO I TRULY AM HE IS GOING TO HATE ME!! I'M A BROKEN PERSON, I AM SO PATHETIC!!!! I HAVE SH SCARS ON MY ARMS, I'VE SEXTED STRANGERS IN ORDER TO FEEL DESIRABLE, I CONSTANTLY HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT SUICIDE AND WANTING TO HURT MYSELF!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, HE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME!!!! I NEVER WANTED TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT SOMEONE AND I HATE MYSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY!!!!! WHEN HE FINDS ABOUT ABOUT THE WHO I AM, THE SHIT I DO, HOW MUCH OF A PATHETIC, STUPID, DECEITFUL, DISGUSTING, PIECE OF SHIT BURDEN I AM HE WILL WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!!!! ONCE HE SEES HOW GROSS AND DISGUSTING MY BODY TRULY IS UP CLOSE, HE WILL BE REPULSED!!!!!!! IT MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY THAT WE DON'T LIVE IN THE SAME COUNTRY, JUST BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WON'T FIND OUT ABOUT THESE THINGS AND LEAVE ME!!!!!!! BUT IT HURTS AT THE SAME TIME JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO HUG HIM!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!! AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT!!!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!