too scared to ctb

[wishyouwell]

every day I wish I were dead. every day I wish that I didn't have to wake up again. But I feel incapable of ever actually following through with my desire, and I hate myself so much for it.

 

[onceuponadec]

It's completely normal to feel this way. No one really knows what awaits use on the other side and ctb is never easy to decide or do.

 

[trucker247]

Yeah i feel you, it's not an easy choice to make. Me however just plan to get drunk so when i do partial my body is to uncoordinated to accidentally stand up after i pass out

 

[Someone123]

every day I wish I were dead. every day I wish that I didn't have to wake up again. But I feel incapable of every actually following through with my desire, and I hate myself so much for it.

This articulates very well how many people feel here- it's a very tough thing to do.

 

[jamie_]

me too. word for word :/

 

[wishyouwell]

me too. word for word :/

I'm sorry

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. The first time I remember feeling suicidal was when I was 9. I'm almost four times that age now. And yet even fighting those demons for that length of time, there's only been two, three max, moments where I was genuinely ready to give up and end it all.

I know what it's like, cursing every time I wake up and have to drag myself through another day in pain. Wishing that I could just go to sleep and that be the end of it. Im living it now, in the midst of the worst my depression has ever been.

I forgot where I was going with that, but actually giving In and ending it, is so very hard to do. So don't beat yourself up about it when I imagine you have so much else weighing on you. Whether or not you're living well, or even really living, you are still here, and that takes a shit ton of strength for people who feel as we do. So on that basis, I'm proud of you. Genuinely.

I hope that things work out for you, whatever may happen.

 

[deathbylife]

don't beat yourself up about it when I imagine you have so much else weighing on you. Whether or not you're living well, or even really living, you are still here, and that takes a shit ton of strength for people who feel as we do. So on that basis, I'm proud of you.

I would like to think that the undamaged me in a parallel life is living well and would be proud of this me.

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

I dont have the energy to ctb. I already feel dead inside. I barely eat, shower, or do anything. I feel disgust just being in this body and sorry for anyone Im around.

One day the hate will end. One day you'll find peace.

 

[wait.what]

I remain shocked and horrified that I couldn't punch my ticket back in May. If I couldn't get the nerve up then, it seems likely I never will. How much fire do I need to be surrounded by before I quit smiling and saying, "This is fine!"

I don't like to think about it. You really start losing self-respect as you take sucker punch after sucker punch, and you're still all, "Why, this amount of suffering isn't excessive! Yes, I could certainly take some more pain. My split lip feels all tingly, ha ha! You can see my bone through there. How neat!" etc. etc. . . .

 

[RW__Asher23]

every day I wish I were dead. every day I wish that I didn't have to wake up again. But I feel incapable of ever actually following through with my desire, and I hate myself so much for it.
I think that is exactly how many here feel. A few years ago I was on Golden Gate Bridge San Fran. and climbed over the railing. Only inches from edge and ready to go but...... I hesitated and after 15 min standing there almost blown off by the wind the bicycle police came up and grabbed me puled me back over the railing to sidewalk. Yeah I was mad then but also knew I couldn't do it even though I felt ready. Was angry and feeling like a failure again and hate myself for not doing it.
I think many of us here get you on that one. No matter how things turn out for you I wish you all the best. Peace.
My choice to ctb will happen for me.....

 

[Tired and Done]

every day I wish I were dead. every day I wish that I didn't have to wake up again. But I feel incapable of ever actually following through with my desire, and I hate myself so much for it.

I know exactly what you mean. I feel what you're feeling. It is a terrible feeling and I am so sorry you are struggling through this. Being stuck on that edge, having no escape, just makes it hurt more.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly can be torture feeling so trapped here when all that you wish for is to be gone. The fact that freeing myself from this existence feels like such an impossibility is the only reason as to why I'm still here and your frustrations are completely understandable. Unfortunately the society that we exist in makes suicide so unnecessarily complicated and risky for us and I hate this fact. It's like we are being punished because of the decisions of others to selfishly procreate, we have to suffer so unnecessarily and that is the tragic thing.