burninghill
Specialist
- Dec 2, 2025
- 318
There is no other way to describe myself. I've never hated anyone more than how much I hate myself right now.
You can't work up the energy to shower, you can't work up the energy to walk 10 doors down to the store, you can't work up the energy to make lunch, why are you even fucking alive? What's even the point? If a dog couldn't make it to its bowl they'd kill it.
I wish God didn't make me such a fucking coward. Why put me on this earth to die and not give me the will to do it? I feel like I'm being mocked every single day. I think about killing myself every second of every day, I think about doing it in public, in private, by myself or around my friends and yet I just can't do it. The body is a cruel machine and God is an evil thing.
I know he laughs at me every single fucking time I plan a date and don't go through with it, I know he laughs when I cry at night because all I want is to not be a coward for once in my life. He's just gonna keep beating me fucking down until I can't anymore. He won't let me die when I'm actually fucking the least bit stable, when I at least have some sense of self left. He's going to beat me and beat me and beat me until I'm desperate to die, until I'm on my knees begging for it because there's no other choice. Please let me have control.
I wish I could talk to him. Ask him what the fuck he wants me to do? Why is he doing this to me? Why does he make me feel this way and leave me all on my own?
I wrote a suicide note today and I feel like a dumb little girl. I feel like that stupid 14 year old girl who'd walk past that tree every day and think about hanging herself on it, knowing she couldn't because she didn't feel like she had the agency yet.
I can't do this anymore, just let me fucking go
You can't work up the energy to shower, you can't work up the energy to walk 10 doors down to the store, you can't work up the energy to make lunch, why are you even fucking alive? What's even the point? If a dog couldn't make it to its bowl they'd kill it.
I wish God didn't make me such a fucking coward. Why put me on this earth to die and not give me the will to do it? I feel like I'm being mocked every single day. I think about killing myself every second of every day, I think about doing it in public, in private, by myself or around my friends and yet I just can't do it. The body is a cruel machine and God is an evil thing.
I know he laughs at me every single fucking time I plan a date and don't go through with it, I know he laughs when I cry at night because all I want is to not be a coward for once in my life. He's just gonna keep beating me fucking down until I can't anymore. He won't let me die when I'm actually fucking the least bit stable, when I at least have some sense of self left. He's going to beat me and beat me and beat me until I'm desperate to die, until I'm on my knees begging for it because there's no other choice. Please let me have control.
I wish I could talk to him. Ask him what the fuck he wants me to do? Why is he doing this to me? Why does he make me feel this way and leave me all on my own?
I wrote a suicide note today and I feel like a dumb little girl. I feel like that stupid 14 year old girl who'd walk past that tree every day and think about hanging herself on it, knowing she couldn't because she didn't feel like she had the agency yet.
I can't do this anymore, just let me fucking go
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