Venting the brain fog is too thick

[WaywardPassenger]

the idea of suicide keeps haunting me. every day, at whenever hour, minute, second it deems fit. it seems so appealing too. so much so to the point that it clouds my judgement.

i tend to spend money recklessly, under the notion that "i'm gonna be dead at some point soon anyway." but i'm too stagnant to do anything. i've thought about ligature strangulation or SWB as my potential methods, but my body doesn't want to take steps for it. frankly, my body doesnt take steps for anything anymore.

i sleep so many hours of the day. so much so that i'm practically a dead man. but even then, i still have my obligations. i take summer classes. i have different groups of friends. i have hobbies. they're what drag me out into the indifferent world. so why? why does suicide rear its head so often, and why is the siren's song so pleasing?

none of my memories are particularly valuable to hold on to. hell, i've had my fair share of trauma that i could never share unless i was under the veil of an online persona. grooming, rape, shit like that. i can't even stand the feeling of someone touching my shoulder or grabbing my arm, yet i'm so deprived of touch that it feels like bugs crawl underneath my skin.

every antidepressant i've tried hasn't done shit. therapy has always made me come out as a worse person than before. i've done nothing but care for others, but i feel as if i am not for this world. maybe i'm just better off as a concept than a real person.

i really do want to ctb. maybe that whole SI thing is the last thread keeping me around, making me question every day and every night. it would be nice to be missed for a little while, i guess. but i'd rather drift into the wind and be forgotten sooner than withstand whatever hell the future has in store.

i suppose this post is more a rant than anything. just let it be known that i want and will die by my own hand. my wits will come to their end soon enough. i'll continue my nightly research of methods while everyone else sleeps, until i can finally lose the last bit of soul in me to catch that fucking bus.

much love,
waywardpassenger

 

[sadsillygoose]

Thats tough, depression does make it feel like neverending torture. All advice about journaling, taking walks etc. has stopped working and being around people feels suffocating, even though thats what I think about when Im isolating myself. I dont even know if its social anxiety or exhaustion at this point. I just hope our suffering ends soon.