Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[nir]

The heart burn has returned any time I eat again. It's been weeks since that has happened as my body had adjusted to the pain killers. Something has reared it back up again, maybe the energy drinks or the increase in how many pills I've been taking. Also having pretty intense mid/upper back pain.

Could the mid/upper back pain be your kidneys?

 

[willitpass]

Could the mid/upper back pain be your kidneys?

That's what I'm suspecting.

 

[nir]

That's what I'm suspecting.

Ugh, kidney pain is the worrrst. Your body is really being attacked from all angles here. Morbidly, this would make a very interesting case study. On a more human note, my heart breaks for you.

 

[willitpass]

I can always tell when I'm anemic by pulling down my bottom eyelid and checking how pale it is (search anemia eyes and look at pictures if you're curious, I've always found it quite interesting). I obviously can't tell you exactly how anemic, but I have even been able to accurately predict before a blood test before that I wasn't going to be anemic by checking my eyes right beforehand and seeing them nice and red. They seem to be getting paler and paler. They're probably the palest I've ever seen them today.

 

[lachrymost]

This thread is wildly tragic. Honestly, I'm honoured I get to read it, and hopefully I'm picking up on some medical knowledge. You're so relatable and cool at the same time. This world never should have existed, imo. Stuff like this is just so repulsive. Humans disgust me for not providing a right to die properly.

 

[willitpass]

I don't feel well this evening. I'm having palpitations and chest pain and pressure. I'm slightly tachycardic as well. Still having burning in my abdomen when I eat or drink and it radiates all throughout my abdomen for a few seconds, it's highly unpleasant. Still having the back pain in my kidney area as well. Whatever I've done to myself seems to really be wreaking havoc on all of my abdomen.

 

[willitpass]

Woke up with more heartburn. I also noticed a canker sore in my mouth a few days ago that seems to be getting worse by the day. Thanks to my mental health I don't exactly have the best oral hygiene, and never have thanks to a neglectful mom growing up who didn't bother to check if her kids were doing basic hygiene so proper teeth brushing never became an ingrained habit. I normally only brush my teeth once a day, I never leave the house with unbrushed teeth so typically only in the mornings. With all I'm doing to myself I hope that this canker sore can't heal. It hurts like a bitch but that's okay I deserve the pain. My muscles and bones ache again. And my kidneys are hurting a bit still. I'm so tired.
I'm going to drink as many energy drinks as I can today. I don't want to allow myself to sleep tonight. I'll stay up as many days as I can force myself to. This isn't the first time I've done this to myself and I don't typically make it too long, but even if I can force myself a couple of days not sleep I'd be okay with that. I deserve discomfort.
My stomach kills. Drinking another energy drinks hurts.

 

[willitpass]

I really don't feel good.

I'm so so so tired but I don't want to sleep.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

When I read your first post I was hoping this would be quick and easy for you, despite sepsis not being pleasant. But fuck it's been so long, having death so close and yet so far must be exhausting. No judgment here, as a self-harmer and anorexic myself I understand the want for pain. I've considered starvation as a method myself.
At this point I just hope that whenever it happens you'll either be asleep, or it'll be fast and painless enough. Most of all, if all else fails, I'm really praying you don't end up in the psych ward.

 

[nir]

I really don't feel good.

I'm so so so tired but I don't want to sleep.

In your adult life, have you ever been nice to yourself? Or have you always been someone who had to punish themself all the time?

 

[willitpass]

I feel incredibly ready today after having a few days of wanting to back out due to the paralyzing fear of surviving. It's funny, fear of surviving is what terrified me most. My SI is all rooted in not wanting to survive. I don't want to survive so bad I won't try despite not trying meaning I'll live anyway. Hopefully this determination is there come two weeks from now. If not I have some ways of bringing my confidence back around.

 

[willitpass]

I'm gonna try to clean my apartment up today. It's fallen into disarray again. Trash on the floor and in my bed, clean laundry never put away, trash bags never taken out to the bins. It's been worse before, unfortunately. But I don't want to die with it in this state. I feel a bit of a motivation today, so hopefully I can do it.

 

[willitpass]

Task paralysis is back. I want pasta really bad and said fine I'll make myself some. Went and got the pasta and sauce and then realized the idea of standing there while the water boils and the sauce warms sounded like too much. Now I'm considering ordering pasta but I feel so lazy for not being able to just make it myself. So now I'm paralyzed by ordering food too. And now I just want to fucking cry because why am I a full grown fucking adult and I can't even make myself fucking pasta and red sauce from a jar? I haven't cooked in a few months at this point, not even heating up pasta on the stove. It's a joke. I either starve, eat granola bars and string cheese, or order out ridiculous quantities of food.

 

[willitpass]

2 more weeks. I'm so ready. Please.
I'm in agony.
I want to go get food but I smell disgusting. I didn't shower last night and have been rotting in bed all day. I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday morning. I smell horrible, I look horrible. Even putting on clothes to leave the house seems too much. I hate myself. I haven't even touched my school work in over a week. I'm going to flunk out of this semester before I die if I'm not careful. Part of me wants to as it would give me further motivation to go through with it. Part of me is terrified to do that as I know it would ruin my life even more than it already is if I survive. I'm so hungry. But nauseous too. Fuck.

 

[willitpass]

I took a shower and brushed my teeth. I managed to pick up some of the trash off the floor and took off the sheets on my bed. Now I'm trying to muster the energy to put the new ones on. I'm so shaky and having chest pain. Awful orthostatic hypotension and some vertigo too. Ever since I tried to hang myself a few weeks ago I've been having weird spasms where my muscle will kind of tense up in the middle of the air. Typically it's my arm that will go up as if about to grab something and it will get stuck there for a few seconds. My eyes will start to look around and my mouth will start tremoring. I think maybe it psychosomatic, but who knows, maybe I did do some damage. Either way, it's been worsened by the caffeine and sleep deprivation and is making cleaning a bit difficult.

 

[willitpass]

I need to fucking die.

 

[nir]

Task paralysis is back. I want pasta really bad and said fine I'll make myself some. Went and got the pasta and sauce and then realized the idea of standing there while the water boils and the sauce warms sounded like too much. Now I'm considering ordering pasta but I feel so lazy for not being able to just make it myself. So now I'm paralyzed by ordering food too. And now I just want to fucking cry because why am I a full grown fucking adult and I can't even make myself fucking pasta and red sauce from a jar? I haven't cooked in a few months at this point, not even heating up pasta on the stove. It's a joke. I either starve, eat granola bars and string cheese, or order out ridiculous quantities of food.

I do the exact same thing, down to the string cheese. I can't remember the last time I used my oven. I felt "accomplished" today because I ate a microwave meal instead of ordering takeout....literally wtf. I am 26 and feeling good about eating bagel bites. Door Dash is the downfall of man/maybe just me, lol.

 

[willitpass]

After reading a thread a few days ago about the active ingredient in Visine being a potential method, I looked into it. I'm not taking visine as a method, but I want to add it into my cocktail. It can cause bradycardia and other cardiac effects, so add that to my list of cardiotoxic substances I'll be taking, but more importantly it seems to be a pretty heavy sedative. I won't take a lot as I don't want the nausea and vomiting to interfere with the rest of my meds, but I want enough that I will be able to sleep more heavily with the bag over my head. I bought some today. I got two bottles but I will decide later on how much I will take, likely only one bottle. I need to look further into it to see when the onset of the sedative effects will take place. I don't want to take it too early and end up passing out before I'd even finished taking everything else or before I can get the bag over my head.
The sedative effects appear to be incredibly rapid, about 20-30 minutes after ingestion. So it would need to be one of the last things I take.
I got a few different types of laxatives today at the store too. My body was starting to really reject the magnesium citrate drink. I've now got myself to a point where my body rejects any chewable laxative and magnesium citrate drinks. Within a few months I'm sure I'll have a violent reaction to these laxatives as well. The body is too damn smart for my liking. I wish it would just sit back and take the abuse without trying to fight it.

 

[willitpass]

Have myself decently cleared up after a double dose of milk of magnesia this morning. I have exams coming up soon but I haven't even really touched any of the material as it's mostly online and self paced and I've done nothing but lay around and scroll SS for weeks now. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and say fuck it, I'll be dead soon anyway. If I flunk out or drop out what does it fucking matter? But I also am terrified that god forbid I survive this like I have oh so many times now then I need to carry on with a solid future for myself. If I want to get where I am really looking to be in my career I need this next degree. I have such high hopes to not survive. I feel so confident. But I should have died many times already and I didn't. I can never be too confident. It's just so hard to give two fucks about anything in life right now. Two more weeks and if all goes well then I'm out of here. Why should any of it matter?

 

[willitpass]

Depriving myself of sleep again. Just laying in bed listening to songs about death. Not my usual depressed/suicidal songs. Songs about loss and death. My own little pre-funeral for myself.

 

[willitpass]

The way I treat myself is inhumane. I feel my mind slipping each day. Just need to keep my composure long enough to make it two weeks.
I'm really losing myself. I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm slipping away. Two more weeks then I'll be free. This is absolute agony. This is no way to live. This is not life. This is hell.

 

[willitpass]

I had a dream that I got sent to the psych ward and they wouldn't let me leave no matter how good my behavior. And they were doing all of the fake nice shit where they smile and talk and make it seem like you're in control of your discharge when in reality they know they are going to keep holding you. God that dream is just even more confirmation that I cannot fail. If this method doesn't work for some god forbid reason I will fucking drive my car into a tree or something I need to die.

 

[willitpass]

I'm just so ready.

 

[willitpass]

I only slept 2.5 hours last night. I've had about 600mg of caffeine today. I'm so out of it and tingly and shaky. Pissing a lot too so at least it's helping me diuress. Need to take more laxatives tonight. I don't sleep well at all anymore, but I know I can't deprive myself of sleep so much that I fall into psychosis and end up in the hospital. I'm toeing a very fine line right now between weakening my body and overdoing it to the point of ruining my ability to CTB in a couple weeks.

 

[CatLvr]

@willitpass I am sitting in an ICU with my husband on a ventilator. We have been here since last Thursday, I think (I'm having trouble keeping up with time), and it doesn't look like he is going anywhere soon. I tell you all this to tell you I have a very, very idealization of what you are going through now.

Don't get me wrong -- I have watched your suffering here and it has broken my heart into a million pieces -- but SEEING him go through some of the same things you are going through even though they were not done by him to himself has caused me to contemplate a lot of things. I have never wished so hard in my life that I could find "the thing" that would help you not torture yourself any longer.

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you often. And wishing you calm, painfree travels from this life to the next. I hope you find the peace we all seek.

 

[willitpass]

@willitpass I am sitting in an ICU with my husband on a ventilator. We have been here since last Thursday, I think (I'm having trouble keeping up with time), and it doesn't look like he is going anywhere soon. I tell you all this to tell you I have a very, very idealization of what you are going through now.

Don't get me wrong -- I have watched your suffering here and it has broken my heart into a million pieces -- but SEEING him go through some of the same things you are going through even though they were not done by him to himself has caused me to contemplate a lot of things. I have never wished so hard in my life that I could find "the thing" that would help you not torture yourself any longer.

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you often. And wishing you calm, painfree travels from this life to the next. I hope you find the peace we all seek.

I've been in an intubated coma before due to medical issues. I'm sorry he's struggling right now but if it's any consolation in my personal experience I was not in any pain or aware of anything. I don't remember a single thing about it. I hope his experience is similar and that he isn't in pain or aware of what's going on as I know how terrifying it can be. I hope he is able to get well soon.

 

[peacetoall]

I've been in an intubated coma before due to medical issues. I'm sorry he's struggling right now but if it's any consolation in my personal experience I was not in any pain or aware of anything. I don't remember a single thing about it. I hope his experience is similar and that he isn't in pain or aware of what's going on as I know how terrifying it can be. I hope he is able to get well soon.

Hi, sorry to go off topic in this thread but, I was just wondering what your experience was like with SN? Did you fall unconscious...and if so, how long did it take? Would you consider it a relatively peaceful method in your experience or not?

Cheers

 

[willitpass]

Just took a 1.5 dose of oral laxatives and just inserted a laxative suppository. A week and a half left. I'm ready to go. Hopefully the pharmacy doesn't fuck it up and delay my plans.

 

[willitpass]

Crazy orthostatic hypotension. Numb as fuck emotionally. I'm a husk of a human being.

 

[willitpass]

One of the appointments I called to cancel a few weeks ago has called twice to reschedule. When they called today I didn't feel like making another excuse to why I couldn't schedule and I didn't want to say I didn't want to reschedule and to drop me as they likely would have asked why and I don't have it in me to make up some reason today. So I just agreed and scheduled it well beyond the date of my attempt.