Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[willitpass]

Time just seems to drag on and on. This is the longest month of my life. It could not go any slower.

 

[willitpass]

I've binged so much today it feel like my stomach is going to explode. I'm so bloated I look pregnant, this is genuinely so painful. I don't know why I do this to myself. I haven't had any laxatives since early yesterday so I've developed refractory constipation already. So all of this food is just sitting here not moving. I've fucked my GI tract with all the restriction and binging and laxative abuse. My only consolation is how close to the end I am.

 

[willitpass]

I obtained a large, heavy duty trash bag. The massive, thick black ones used in businesses. I just need to buy a large rubber band that would fit snuggly around my neck. Then I'll be ready for plastic bag asphyxiation once the meds cause me to start drifting. Thinking about this method constantly is the only thing I can seem to do.

 

[willitpass]

I got some large rubber bands. Everything is ready now for the plastic bag method. Now to wait for my prescription. I've fully committed myself to the hotel now. I feel confident it's the best place. I've been playing the whole ordeal over and over in my head, from booking the hotel, to driving there, to setting everything up, taking it all. The more I play it out the less anxious and more prepared I'll be. I think later today I'll test out the plastic bag and rubber bands just to make sure it'll work. I don't plan on leaving it on or anything, I just want to put it on to see how it feels and make sure the rubber bands work to seal it. And to acclimate myself to the feeling of it so I won't get scared when the time comes.

 

[nibbleone]

When I joined here over 4 years ago I never would have imagined this on my potential tickets to the bus. I've survived SN, drowning/hypothermia, and partial, what are the odds a little cut is what takes me out. Somewhat comical honestly. Everything I've lived through and this could be it. I really hope that my fever keeps rising, that really will be the telltale sign of if it's really septic or not.

How did you survive SN?

 

[willitpass]

I can't wait to die. I feel very confident and at peace with the decision right now. Not desperate, just free.

 

[willitpass]

Keeping up this facade for three more weeks feels almost impossible. Not arising any suspicion from those around me… I don't know how I'll do it for three more weeks. Every other time I've attempted or come close to attempting there's been at least one person in my life who I'm relatively honest with about how bad I'm struggling. This time around I don't want to give a single inkling to anyone that I'm anything but mentally okay. I think that's really a tell of how serious I am this time around. No one knew I was struggling a few weeks ago when I did the impulse attempt. No one will know a few weeks from now with the planned attempt. I am dead set on this working and not letting anyone in on even being a little bit depressed. But god is it hard to not have anyone in my life to talk to. I obviously wouldn't tell anyone that I'm planning to CTB, but not letting anyone know that I'm struggling at all… It's lonely and isolating.

 

[Yarani]

not letting anyone know that I'm struggling at all… It's lonely and isolating.

I really feel you there.
It's not the same, but you know you can always come here, and let us know about it all. Sending a hug.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Checking in like usual. You are incredibly fuckin brave and I also want to thank you for continuing to contribute to various threads the way you have even during this very hard time. People here care<3 Not having anyone to talk to can feel like fuckin hell, wishing you the best to get through the next few weeks.

 

[willitpass]

Just gave the bag a try. It's quite stuffy and smells strange, but I think when on the verge of passing out due to sedatives and nearing death due to overdose I won't give it much mind.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so ready to let go. Time can't move fast enough.

 

[willitpass]

I can't do this much longer. I'm so tired. So fucking tired. I need to die. I'm going to buy diapers tomorrow while I'm out so that I can spare some clean up for whoever ends up in charge of that. It won't be a violent bloody mess so I imagine it will fall onto hotel staff rather than crime scene clean up, so if I can save them a soiled mattress to deal with.

Even though I have a set method I continue to think up new ones. Start an IV on myself and push distilled water has been on my mind today. I need to look into how painful it would be though.
There are no words to describe how I feel anymore.
I miss being a kid. Not because I was happier, I was depressed by 9, I didn't have a childhood. But because when I was mentally ill as a child I only had school to miss out on. If I went into the hospital voluntarily or if I failed to CTB and got admitted, all I lost was a week of class. Teachers were more than happy to help me get caught up. Now I'm several years into adulthood and as my mental health deteriorates more and more I have to face the detrimental effects of failing mental health on adult life. Bills and jobs and college and all the commitments of adult life don't stop just because you can't get your life together. Everything is crumbling beneath me and adult accommodations are a lot less easy or understanding than when I was 13 and missed a week of school because I tried to hang myself. Now I'm grown and had to walk into class a day after I tried to hang myself so I can keep working towards a degree in a job that I am having to take a break from because I've fucked myself up so horrifically. Now I'm an adult who will have to spend some of my last remaining money getting a hotel room so I can spare my family and friends the sight of my dead body. Now I'm an adult hardly able to make rent who keeps spending too much money on binges because my eating disorder has taken over my entire mind. It's not so simple as it was way back then. And back then I was so certain I would either be dead or recovered by now. And now I'm neither. And I'm not well.

 

[willitpass]

I took WAY too many pain killers today and I feel really sick.

 

[willitpass]

Got diapers today. Now the only things left are my prescription and the hotel booking. Nothing left to do but wait it out the next couple weeks. 2.5 weeks left. Then I can be out. God if this fails. Dear god if this fails. I'm so confident in it but I've survived so many things even doctors have told me I shouldnt have survived.

 

[nir]

Start an IV on myself and push distilled water has been on my mind today. I need to look into how painful it would be though.

I'm not a doctor/medical professional, but I have a feeling that would be really painful :(

I still keep checking this thread with hopes for you. I'm genuinely shocked that you've been strong enough to keep up with your daily routine considering what you're putting yourself through. You've been going through literal hell since I joined this site (probably well longer than that).

 

[willitpass]

I'm not a doctor/medical professional, but I have a feeling that would be really painful :(

I still keep checking this thread with hopes for you. I'm genuinely shocked that you've been strong enough to keep up with your daily routine considering what you're putting yourself through. You've been going through literal hell since I joined this site (probably well longer than that).

After over a decade of going through hell you learn how to adapt and carry on with life as normally as possible. Not much of another choice if I don't want to spent my life in psych wards again. I've never been more physically run down in my life. My body is exhausted from everything I've done. I'm doing my best but really not keeping up with things like I used to or like I wish I could.
My body rejects laxatives anymore. They make me nauseous even just thinking about taking them. But I've tried multiple enemas and suppositories and they don't clean me out, they hardly do anything. I force myself to take oral laxatives despite almost throwing up as soon as they enter my mouth.

 

[willitpass]

I took a full bottle of magnesium citrate, two fleet enemas, and a glycerin suppository today. My body has become tolerant of laxatives. It used to be that I could take some laxatives and be cleared out within 18 hours or so. Nowadays my body has built up such a tolerance that it took hours for the oral laxatives to start working and they're not working like they used to. I'm so angry that I've built up a tolerance because it's so much harder to feel empty. I just want to feel empty and light as a feather. But I'm fucking stupid and it's my own fault that I can't.

I feel so lonely but it's my own fault for shutting everyone out.

I started making a funeral slideshow for myself today. Maybe that will help my family to have at least a starting point when I die. Or maybe it's just me reminiscing on my life as it starts to come to a close. I don't know.

 

[willitpass]

After a 4.5 day binge I was hoping all the laxatives yesterday would drop me back down in weight. I hadn't weighed myself during the binge because I disgust myself and didn't want to know. But this morning I was up 6 fucking pounds from my lowest. I'm appalled by myself. I knew I looked bigger and unfortunately it wasn't just all in my head. Water retention makes me suicidal beyond belief. I know it's to be expected, I've completely fucked my body and my hormones are working overtime to try and figure out what's going on. Doesn't help that I'm fucking my kidneys with the pain killers either. But I'm so fucking disgusted. 6 pounds. 6 whole pounds. I need to down laxatives like nobody's business today.

 

[willitpass]

Once again getting really TMI here for anyone who isn't looking to read about strange bodily functions. I've been noticing a lot of mucus discharge when I wipe the last few days. I just figured that for some reason I'm having a massive increase in vaginal discharge all of a sudden. It's been clear and relatively thin so I wasn't worried about a yeast infection or anything and didn't give it any mind. Well I've just got to pee and happened to peak down before wiping and saw a long string of clear mucus going all the way from me to the toilet water. It hit me that I think it's coming from my urethra not my vagina, and if that's the case I'm pissing so much mucus it's incredibly visible. Mucus in the urine is normal but in such trace amounts you can't see it with the naked eye, you shouldn't be pissing strings of it. Problem is all the info on potential causes states UTIs, STDs, or kidney stones. I'm not having any other symptoms that would indicate I have a UTI or kidney stones I'm not having any pain or burning or anything of the sort. And I don't suspect and STD either. My only guess that I could find research to support is dehydration but arguably I've been better hydrated the last few days when this all started than I have in awhile. My only other guess is somehow related to kidney damage from the NSAIDs. I suppose it's possible I have an asymptomatic UTI, but I'm not sure.

 

[willitpass]

I'm really feeling the electrolyte imbalances today. I had horrible cramps in my foot and leg for a solid half hour today out of nowhere. I'm so weak right now. I struggle to even sit down without my arms and legs giving out mid way through.

 

[Yarani]

Once again getting really TMI here for anyone who isn't looking to read about strange bodily functions. I've been noticing a lot of mucus discharge when I wipe the last few days. I just figured that for some reason I'm having a massive increase in vaginal discharge all of a sudden. It's been clear and relatively thin so I wasn't worried about a yeast infection or anything and didn't give it any mind. Well I've just got to pee and happened to peak down before wiping and saw a long string of clear mucus going all the way from me to the toilet water. It hit me that I think it's coming from my urethra not my vagina, and if that's the case I'm pissing so much mucus it's incredibly visible. Mucus in the urine is normal but in such trace amounts you can't see it with the naked eye, you shouldn't be pissing strings of it. Problem is all the info on potential causes states UTIs, STDs, or kidney stones. I'm not having any other symptoms that would indicate I have a UTI or kidney stones I'm not having any pain or burning or anything of the sort. And I don't suspect and STD either. My only guess that I could find research to support is dehydration but arguably I've been better hydrated the last few days when this all started than I have in awhile. My only other guess is somehow related to kidney damage from the NSAIDs. I suppose it's possible I have an asymptomatic UTI, but I'm not sure.

A whole string sounds really weird. You could rule out the possibility that it comes from the vagina by using a tampon/disc/cup and see a) what it looks like when you get it back out and b) if it keeps happening despite that.

 

[willitpass]

A whole string sounds really weird. You could rule out the possibility that it comes from the vagina by using a tampon/disc/cup and see a) what it looks like when you get it back out and b) if it keeps happening despite that.

To be honest I'm not even really going to investigate it any further. Even if it is coming from my urethra I have no intent of going to the doctor to get whatever is going on treated, and it isn't painful or smelly or anything, so I'm just going to let it be. If it's just vaginal discharge then no harm no foul. If it's something else then it can play its course, whatever it is. Maybe it's an infection and I'll finally go septic!
I only slept one hour last night. I'm so tired but I don't want to allow myself the luxury of sleep.

 

[Yarani]

To be honest I'm not even really going to investigate it any further. Even if it is coming from my urethra I have no intent of going to the doctor to get whatever is going on treated, and it isn't painful or smelly or anything, so I'm just going to let it be. If it's just vaginal discharge then no harm no foul. If it's something else then it can play its course, whatever it is. Maybe it's an infection and I'll finally go septic!
I only slept one hour last night. I'm so tired but I don't want to allow myself the luxury of sleep.

That's the answer I anticipated, but thought I might as well try. Hugs.

 

[willitpass]

On the verge of a panic attack right now because I've been craving cereal for hours but I'm not allowed to eat anything but string cheese and granola bars until I loose all the weight from my binge. Now I want to chew and spit but I know you still absorb calories when chewing and spitting and it can fuck your insulin levels which can cause slower fat loss. I want fucking cereal god dammit. I want food. I am so hungry. It's not fair.
Well I caved and went and got a fast food meal and now I'm sat in front of my toilet chewing and spitting. I haven't chewed and spit since I was 13. 2024 really has been a year of embarrassingly low lows.

 

[willitpass]

I've been doing some more research into what will happen when I'm gone. I think my mind is tiring of going over the plan itself but doesn't want to stray too far from the topic so I've started thinking about the after. Doesn't really matter if I'm dead, but it keeps my mind occupied I suppose. It seems like if my scene is obviously a suicide they may well not look into unlocking and searching my phone. I hope not. I have no interest in these things being found. I plan on dying surrounded by my photo album, my favorite baby photo of me and my family will be pulled out of the album and set on top. I've already written "I love you all, I'm so sorry" on the back a few weeks ago when I was preparing to hang myself. I'll also have all my old journals dating back all the way to age 9 when I first became depressed opened to the most telling page from each journal around me. One of them will be the entry I wrote when I was 13 right before I went to hang myself and nearly died. Finally I will have my newest journal open to my newest entry that will be written on the day of my suicide, detailing my thoughts and actions in real time. All of these will be on the bed beside my body as I will be looking them over up until I am nearing unconsciousness and put the bag over my head. I do plan on removing the label to my prescription bottles in case I am found alive in order to complicate treatment as they wouldn't know what I had taken, which would make treating me more difficult. Not impossible, but harder. That would be the only thing I would say would be suspicious, however I've already written my plan down in earlier journal entries with the medication names and dosages I plan on taking. They'll have my name as I'm not going to try and hide my identity, and the nearest hospital will be able to pull up my medical records and see what prescriptions I have and my symptoms if alive would like up with my presentation. If I'm already dead they would find out on a toxicology screen. Other than that nothing would be suspicious for anything other than a suicide. I'll have my blood pressure cuff, stethoscope, and pulse ox in bed with me as I'll be monitoring my own vitals while I'm conscious, something I can't imagine would strike as fowl play. All this to say I'm hoping they get the point. Especially once they contact my family, no one will be anything but sure it's a suicide. No need to investigate further. One look at the journal pages on the bed will tell a story of someone with a lifetime of mental turmoil.

 

[willitpass]

I've been up for pretty much 36 hours now. The rough hour or so of sleep last night hardly even counts. I don't want to let myself have the luxury of sleep though.

 

[willitpass]

I don't want to sleep.

 

[willitpass]

I did sleep. Halfway decently too, probably because of how tired I was. I lost 1lb of water weight, only 5 more to go to get back. I started the morning off with a breakfast of a handful of pain killers and an energy drink. I have massive heart burn now.

 

[voltage268]

Just read the whole thread and heartbroken. It's fucked up you're having to do this, not your fault of course, I understand the desperation that can drive someone to take extreme measures, you've lived in pain for years. So sorry you've have to go to extreme lengths, you're clearly an intelligent and caring individual even if you don't think so, you demonstrate that clearly in your posts. This life has let you down. I wish you peace.

I hope any undercover media or sources like the bbc or whoever who've been monitoring this site can see the lengths an intelligent and caring individual has taken to try and achieve some peace after years of fighting. Hope you find what you're looking for willitpass.

 

[willitpass]

The heart burn has returned any time I eat again. It's been weeks since that has happened as my body had adjusted to the pain killers. Something has reared it back up again, maybe the energy drinks or the increase in how many pills I've been taking. Also having pretty intense mid/upper back pain.