Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[opheliaoveragain]

Checking in on you, I understand not wanting to rock the boat further and just agreeing to things bc it's easier than the alternative. Sending you strength to get through this remaining time <3

 

[willitpass]

If I survive this I am going to lose my fucking mind. So long as I don't vomit I don't think there really any chance, but I don't trust myself. I always seem to live when I shouldn't.

 

[CatLvr]

If I survive this I am going to lose my fucking mind. So long as I don't vomit I don't think there really any chance, but I don't trust myself. I always seem to live when I shouldn't.

It is amazing how hard it is to actually die, huh??

 

[willitpass]

It is amazing how hard it is to actually die, huh??

It's infuriating.
Nauseous from the laxatives and pain killers. And bloated as hell from the gas and the fact that the laxatives haven't yet worked their magic. I don't recognize my body. I don't recognize my mind. I'm not me anymore. I truly lost myself sometime back around March of this year.

 

[willitpass]

I just want to be gone. The month long wait is so close to being over. Less than two weeks and if all goes well I'll be done with this. Find out what, if anything is on the other side. My near death experiences have always been oblivion-ceasing to have consciousness. Just not existing and not having the capacity to be aware I don't exist. Most of me finds comfort in that. Sometimes I do think it would be nice to have an afterlife, so long as it's a positive one like heaven. One where I can see loved ones who passed and watch over those still there, but one where I'm not capable of suffering.
I've discovered while reading more medical journals on methods that there is a name for what I'll be doing. "Complex suicide" is any suicide that involved the use of more than one method. In my case multidrug overdose combined with plastic bag suffocation. Interesting find to see there's a name for it.

 

[willitpass]

I plan on having my biggest laxative overdose to date tonight. I need to stop taking laxative on Friday to ensure they're out of my system before I take the meds on Sunday (pending the pharmacy not delaying), so I'm trying to take as many as possible these next few days to deplete my electrolytes sufficiently before the date. I'll do a triple dose of Milk of Magnesia, a double dose of Miralax, and a bisocodyl suppository tonight. In the morning I'll do another suppository and a double of Milk of Magnesia and Miralax. Clear liquids only until I'm fully cleaned out. Nothing to do the next few days so free to live in my bathroom. I'm anticipating pretty bad hypotension and such as well so best to stay home in case I pass out. I'll do my best to restrict heavily this upcoming week to prevent any electrolyte repleation. I'll take smaller doses throughout the week up until Friday as well.

 

[willitpass]

I've been having pain in my upper arm/shoulder for several days now. I figured maybe I pulled a muscle on something even though I haven't done anything that could pull a muscle. But it's just getting worse rather than better. Sometimes my arm goes tingly below it and sometimes it shoots up into my neck, so now I'm thinking maybe I pinched a nerve. Maybe I shouldn't try and do anything for it and force myself to endure the pain. I deserve it.

 

[justpathetic]

I've been having pain in my upper arm/shoulder for several days now. I figured maybe I pulled a muscle on something even though I haven't done anything that could pull a muscle. But it's just getting worse rather than better. Sometimes my arm goes tingly below it and sometimes it shoots up into my neck, so now I'm thinking maybe I pinched a nerve. Maybe I shouldn't try and do anything for it and force myself to endure the pain. I deserve it.

What side could it be sign of cardiac issue?

 

[willitpass]

What side could it be sign of cardiac issue?

I wouldn't say it's an impossibility, but I highly doubt it. For it to last this long without me suddenly collapsing or becoming extremely unwell would be pretty out there. And it's worse with certain movements of my arm which leans a lot more heavily towards a pinched nerve or something of the sort.

 

[willitpass]

I didnt realize how low I was running on Milk of Magnesia. I only had two doses left on hand. I don't feel like going out to get more tonight, so I'll have to go out tomorrow for more. Tonight I'll settle for a double of that, double of Miralax, and a suppository. I'll take more Miralax and another suppository in the morning. Maybe I'll order Milk of Magnesia for delivery or something.

 

[willitpass]

My arm still hurts like a bitch. Got more laxatives and took a double dose of Milk of Magnesia this morning. I'm already fairly close to being cleaned out it looks like, so I'm holding off on the Miralax for now as the taste of it is gross even when mixed into something. I have a horrible headache, probably from all the different meds. I'm drinking an energy drink to see if that might make it go away. It's considered a clear liquid after all. I'm going full colonoscopy bowel prep. Clear liquids only until my shit is clear. Fuck electrolytes.
I've gotten myself re-addicted to caffeine these last few weeks. I'd had myself cut off previously. I need to stop drinking them this week so I can avoid a bad headache while I CTB. I don't want any caffeine the two days leading up to CTB to avoid any stimulant effects that would mess with all of my sedative and bradycardia/hypotensive effects. Two days is probably excessive but I'd rather be too cautious than not cautious enough.
My head fucking hurts.

 

[willitpass]

As expected I have very bad orthostatic hypotension. Anything other than laying down and I'm dizzy as hell. Standing up everything goes tingly and black. I'm about one shit away from being cleared out. I'll drink something red once I think I'm fully cleaned out just to confirm (if I am then I should shit red liquid within a short period of time). Then I'll allow myself to break my clear liquid fast. After I eat I'll probably take even more laxatives as tomorrow is another free day and I would like to fuck my electrolytes as much as possible this weekend as I'll only have one more fully free day before The Big Day to have a heyday with laxatives. The headache has improved which is nice. Having some palpitations and muscle spasms.

 

[willitpass]

I did successfully clean myself out. Then I had some to eat. Now I've just taken my 6th dose of Milk of Magnesia in less than 24 hours, and another suppository.

Im so ready to be done. My mind is merciless. I do not treat myself like a human being. My existence is degrading and I have no fight in me to do anything but submit to the torture I subject myself to. I hope if there's an afterlife I'm able to relish in the feeling of being okay and well. I hope I'm able to treat myself with love and respect. I just don't want to be at the mercy of a relentless mental illness anymore.

 

[willitpass]

I actually slept for 4-5 uninterrupted hours for once. I think I did at least. Maybe I woke up briefly for a few times. I'd been overeating this last week, as my body is desperate for fuel and my mind is doing anything to seek respite from this hell. But after a proper clean out yesterday and not a lot of food I've got myself back down into a more comfortable weight. Not my lowest, 4lbs shy, but still a number that makes me not want to instantly jump off a bridge. I'm no longer cleaned out since I ate yesterday so I'm doing a suppository to try and get some more out of there before I weigh myself again to hopefully drop at least another half a pound. It'd be nice to get back to my lowest weight before I die. I'm not sure if it's possible or not, though, as I'm not sure how much of these 4lbs is water and stool weight and how much is true fat. It's probably the body dysmorphia, but I feel like I've been looking more fat lately despite my true weight. It honestly may be true because I know I've been retaining ridiculous amounts of water, you don't just gain 10lbs in a week without a fuck ton of water weight. I hope I die looking skinny.

Thinking a lot this morning about all the people I've hurt since being sick. When I was 11/12 I had a friend who I told what I was going to do (hang myself in my garage, I ultimately chickened out until I was 13) and we talked about it for weeks. I made him promise not to tell anyone. He didn't. I even texted him leading up until I was about to do it. No 12 year old should have to carry someone's baggage like that. I lost my best friend in middle school because I was using her as a therapist and one day she called the cops to my house when I was saying suicidal shit and then told me she couldn't handle it anymore and we stopped talking after that. That's not fair for a 13 year old to have to carry. I had a friend in high school drive to my house and cry in my driveway begging me to not kill myself because I had been implying I would be going soon. A few days later she and another had to frantically text my brother to get my dad because I was saying I was sorry and goodbye to people. The other friend and I fell out a few months later because I had been using her as a therapist and she couldn't do it anymore. No 16 year old deserves that kind of baggage either. I push people away when I start to get too depressed now. It's isolating but I know it's better for everyone. It's draining to be friends with someone so depressed if they can't mask it. I've gotten a lot better at masking as I've gotten older, but it's draining to me to mask, so pushing people away is easier. I haven't lost a friend due to them saying I overshare and it's draining in years at least. I've spared people that much. This doesn't even get into the pain I've caused my family. I've hurt so many people.

 

[peope_dont_change]

I apologize for being blunt in advance but what you are suggesting seems like a very painful way to CTB.

Why not just try slitting your wrists while on some pain meds ?

 

[willitpass]

I apologize for being blunt in advance but what you are suggesting seems like a very painful way to CTB.

Why not just try slitting your wrists while on some pain meds ?

Slitting your wrists has a ~1% success rate. And a pretty good chance of fucking up nerves and needing stitches. That seems 1000% more painful than what I'll be doing with a hell of a lot less chance of working. At most I'll be nauseous and have some chest pains with impending doom. The sedatives should kick in relatively quickly and I'll drift off to sleep. I'm anticipating 5/10 pain max with an indeterminate amount of psychological distress.

 

[peope_dont_change]

Slitting your wrists has a ~1% success rate. And a pretty good chance of fucking up nerves and needing stitches. That seems 1000% more painful than what I'll be doing with a hell of a lot less chance of working. At most I'll be nauseous and have some chest pains with impending doom. The sedatives should kick in relatively quickly and I'll drift off to sleep. I'm anticipating 5/10 pain max with an indeterminate amount of psychological distress.

My apologies. I am still new to this.

Still even jumping of a bridge seems less painful.

Whatever you decide, may you travel well.

 

[willitpass]

My body feels so strange. Like tingly and floating and numb but overstimulated at the same time. Probably the fucked electrolytes.

 

[willitpass]

After spending the weekend alternating between hailing the porcelain throne and wallowing in bed, I have places to be tomorrow. I hadn't showered since Thursday night or brushed my teeth since Friday morning. I just took a nice thorough shower including washing my hair (thanks to malnutrition it was coming out in clumps the whole time) and then a long, hard teeth brushing session. All prepped and ready to go out tomorrow and pretend I'm not planning to be gone a week from today. All is well and dandy on willitpass world, that's the way it has to seem. It's exhausting.
Just made a happy realization. I for some reason had misremembered the dosage of one of my medications that I'll be taking. I thought I was prescribed 5mg pills. Just looked at the bottle and it's 10mg pills. And I'll be taking two bottles with 60 pills each. So I have 1.2g not 600mg. Fantastic news as that will absolutely increase my chances of success. I don't know how I'd misremembered the dosage for almost a full month now.

 

[imsotired35]

Interested to know OP if you have an eating disorder? I used to hang around Ed sites years back and this is around the level that Ed patients would go to harm themselves, either wishing for a slow suicide or just a way to self harm. Especially if they were inpatient.

 

[willitpass]

Interested to know OP if you have an eating disorder? I used to hang around Ed sites years back and this is around the level that Ed patients would go to harm themselves, either wishing for a slow suicide or just a way to self harm. Especially if they were inpatient.

Yes, I do. It's part of why I want to CTB.

 

[willitpass]

It's gonna be another sleepless night, I can already tell.

 

[justpathetic]

It's gonna be another sleepless night, I can already tell.

How are you doing? I hope all is as well as possible.

 

[willitpass]

Please god don't let the pharmacy delay. I bought a lot more Visine today, so I have a very hefty supply now. I plan on only taking 2 bottles with the initial overdose, but if I somehow survive all that and the plastic bag then I'll just take several more, nothing to loose at that point. I'm about to take a full bottle of Milk of Magnesia for my final clean out. No more laxatives or caffeine after tomorrow.

 

[justpathetic]

Please god don't let the pharmacy delay. I bought a lot more Visine today, so I have a very hefty supply now. I plan on only taking 2 bottles with the initial overdose, but if I somehow survive all that and the plastic bag then I'll just take several more, nothing to loose at that point. I'm about to take a full bottle of Milk of Magnesia for my final clean out. No more laxatives or caffeine after tomorrow.

You probably won't believe this but you are really one of the strongest people I've ever seen. (Read?) I wish those who glibly go around saying 'committing suicide is the cowards way' could know about the lengths your going to just to find peace. It truly takes so much strength and courage especially the way you're doing it. If I had 1 wish it would be that you could go to Pegasos or get a sarco pod to use. Or just disappear whichever you choose.

 

[willitpass]

Between the caffeine withdrawals and the shitting my brains out once again I have a horrible headache right now.

 

[willitpass]

My eating disorder and self harm have my GI tract 50 shades of fucked. Today has been especially painful. I've been having pretty bad abdominal cramps all day, even well before taking any laxatives. Gas pain mostly I think. They haven't subsided now that I've really got things going and gotten a lot of gas out. And my stomach too. It takes very little to make me uncomfortably full. I just drank 1.5 apple juice boxes and now I'm nauseous.

 

[CatLvr]

@willitpass how are you doing sweetie??

 

[Praying 4 a Miracle]

I've engaged in severe self-harm for years and years now. Above 4 years ago I got an idea in my head to cut myself and rub something fowl like feces into it to induce an infection and hope it turns septic and kills me. I've put off the idea for years, but today I just want to die. Unfortunately, the trauma caused by surviving my 3 major attempts in the past has me unable to overcome the SI required to actively CTB, so I've resorted to passive suicide methods like daily overdoses of OTC meds, chronic starvation, chronic dehydration, etc. Today the urge became too much. I cut myself on the part of the skin believed to harbor the highest amount of bacteria, rubbed an unspeakably disgusting substance into it, and taped it shut so the bacteria can't escape. Now only time will tell if it turns septic. If I see signs that I am going septic, I will not tell anyone. I will stay home and let myself fall into shock until I die. If it doesn't turn septic, then well I've just engaged in the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my life and I'll have to carry on.

Before anyone starts to lecture me, I work in healthcare. I am well aware of the process of developing an infection, the stages of sepsis, the symptoms, etc. I've been septic before due to a medical condition. I've cared for many patients with sepsis before and am aware of the implications of going into shock and surviving with permanent damage. I know this is an awful idea. And I also no longer care. I am tired of living but am unable to pull the trigger for an immediate and more guaranteed suicide despite having the means to do so thanks to the PTSD. If this goes wrong, I am aware of the risks, I am aware of how stupid this is, and I simply do not care anymore.

The world is FORCING people to resort to methods like this. It's complete madness. It needs to change, and it needs to change soon! It's clear that there are many people, even working in the health care field (doctors included), who feel they need a safe and dignified escape from their unsolvable pain and suffering. There is NO ONE on Earth who is immune from the risk of this happening to them, and it can happen in a heartbeat!

THIS is the message that the masses need to hear. The healthy & happy need to realize that it could easily happen to them too. Then the chances would be extremely good, that many would actually care!

I was happy and healthy, for almost 60 years. Then 2 years ago it all changed in an instant. People just need to realize how vulnerable we ALL are, to this happening to ANY one of us. No matter how happy we've been in our life, or for how long! The human body is indeed an extremely fragile biological machine. It can take only a few seconds, to go from total health to total misery!

 

[uglyugly]

@willitpass I am thinking of you.