Venting Should I CTB, or am I just insane?

[Creatosaur]

Hey. I'm here to share my story before I CTB. I'm desperately looking for a way out. A couple of months ago I spend my savings on an AR 15 style assault rifle. My mother caught me about to use it on myself and sent me to the ward, and the cops confiscated the gun. It really was my only hope. Now I have nothing.

I'm 23F and my entire life has been miserable. I have been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression and GAD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and several phobias. I am disgustingly hideous. I have not had a friend since elementary school, but that friend turned out to be fake. I have been bullied and ostracized the entire time I was in school, even when I went to college. I have been in 3 relationships before, but they were all abusive. My first one ended because he told me I was too ugly to date and he was embarrassed to be seen with me. My second relationship happened between me and a pedophile (I was 16 he was 30) and he resented me for "ruining his life" when my parents told the cops on him. I genuinely loved him and felt a connection with him. He has a wife his age now and he's better mentally and physically. My last relationship was with a man I found physically attractive but he would beat me and call me worthless and tell me I should have killed myself so he would have never met me. Even pedophiles and abusers don't want me or like me.

I haven't been treated well by anyone in my life. My mom has told me she wish she aborted me and my dad thinks I'm a failure. I was working a dead-end low-paying job as a paraprofessional for the past 2 years, but all my coworkers would always tell me that I'm incompetent and not good at my job and it would make my job performance worse.

I recently got fired from said job for my poor performance. The only people that ever gave me validation were the children and parents at that job. They appreciated me and loved me but they didn't know me long. They would have hated me like everyone else if they knew me on a personal level. Compared to other adults I feel like a child, and I'm treated like a child everywhere I go. I'm looked down upon, made fun of, and ostracized even in my job and at my age. There's people my age at my job who have become teachers and are well respected. But nobody has ever liked me. Everyone thinks I'm incompetent, and maybe I am.

I used to enjoy drawing. And writing. Following those dreams were crushed in college. I've had professors straight up tell me in front of the whole class that my work will never be published. I've had classmates make fun of and trash my work while they praised the work of everyone else. I've had professors rip my printed work up in front of the class. And everyone laughed. I can never be good at art or writing because my work is so hated by everyone.

I was going to CTB at 16 until my pedophile ex "saved" me. I thought he was the one. But nobody in my life ever wants to be with me past 2 years. I can't last 2 years without people hating me and desperately wanting to get away. Everybody I meet immediately doesn't like me, and I've given up on love because it's impossible for me. Everything I've ever dreamed of becoming will never be a reality for me, and I'm even useless at easy jobs such as being a paraprofessional. I can't even do the bare minimum of what's required of me in any scenario. I still live with my mom and dad and they resent me for staying with them. My older sister got married and had a baby and moved out of the house at my age. But I'm single, talentless, and unlovable. It's to a point where I don't just want to CTB. I NEED to CTB. I am a burden on everyone and everything. I am not allowed to enjoy anything anymore because I will be trashed for my interests. I can't even get a bf anymore. Nobody looks my way or considers me worthy of love. And I'm not worthy of my job anymore, which is why I got fired. I don't belong anywhere. On discord I get spammed with death threats for just talking about my life experiences. I have nowhere left to go.

But what do you guys think? I obviously can't think for myself because I'm so useless. Should I CTB? Will it truly get better? I can't tell. I don't even have my own identity. Help!

 

[axab43]

Hey. I'm here to share my story before I CTB. I'm desperately looking for a way out. A couple of months ago I spend my savings on an AR 15 style assault rifle. My mother caught me about to use it on myself and sent me to the ward, and the cops confiscated the gun. It really was my only hope. Now I have nothing.

I'm 23F and my entire life has been miserable. I have been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression and GAD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and several phobias. I am disgustingly hideous. I have not had a friend since elementary school, but that friend turned out to be fake. I have been bullied and ostracized the entire time I was in school, even when I went to college. I have been in 3 relationships before, but they were all abusive. My first one ended because he told me I was too ugly to date and he was embarrassed to be seen with me. My second relationship happened between me and a pedophile (I was 16 he was 30) and he resented me for "ruining his life" when my parents told the cops on him. I genuinely loved him and felt a connection with him. He has a wife his age now and he's better mentally and physically. My last relationship was with a man I found physically attractive but he would beat me and call me worthless and tell me I should have killed myself so he would have never met me. Even pedophiles and abusers don't want me or like me.

I haven't been treated well by anyone in my life. My mom has told me she wish she aborted me and my dad thinks I'm a failure. I was working a dead-end low-paying job as a paraprofessional for the past 2 years, but all my coworkers would always tell me that I'm incompetent and not good at my job and it would make my job performance worse.

I recently got fired from said job for my poor performance. The only people that ever gave me validation were the children and parents at that job. They appreciated me and loved me but they didn't know me long. They would have hated me like everyone else if they knew me on a personal level. Compared to other adults I feel like a child, and I'm treated like a child everywhere I go. I'm looked down upon, made fun of, and ostracized even in my job and at my age. There's people my age at my job who have become teachers and are well respected. But nobody has ever liked me. Everyone thinks I'm incompetent, and maybe I am.

I used to enjoy drawing. And writing. Following those dreams were crushed in college. I've had professors straight up tell me in front of the whole class that my work will never be published. I've had classmates make fun of and trash my work while they praised the work of everyone else. I've had professors rip my printed work up in front of the class. And everyone laughed. I can never be good at art or writing because my work is so hated by everyone.

I was going to CTB at 16 until my pedophile ex "saved" me. I thought he was the one. But nobody in my life ever wants to be with me past 2 years. I can't last 2 years without people hating me and desperately wanting to get away. Everybody I meet immediately doesn't like me, and I've given up on love because it's impossible for me. Everything I've ever dreamed of becoming will never be a reality for me, and I'm even useless at easy jobs such as being a paraprofessional. I can't even do the bare minimum of what's required of me in any scenario. I still live with my mom and dad and they resent me for staying with them. My older sister got married and had a baby and moved out of the house at my age. But I'm single, talentless, and unlovable. It's to a point where I don't just want to CTB. I NEED to CTB. I am a burden on everyone and everything. I am not allowed to enjoy anything anymore because I will be trashed for my interests. I can't even get a bf anymore. Nobody looks my way or considers me worthy of love. And I'm not worthy of my job anymore, which is why I got fired. I don't belong anywhere. On discord I get spammed with death threats for just talking about my life experiences. I have nowhere left to go.

But what do you guys think? I obviously can't think for myself because I'm so useless. Should I CTB? Will it truly get better? I can't tell. I don't even have my own identity. Help!

Well no one has replied to this yet, so I will. What no one has told you or no one talks about, is our attitude towards ourselves is a lot to do with how people react to us. It is not just how we look, but whether we think we are worth anything. If we carry ourselves like we think we are worth nothing, other people will pick up on that. Of course, that goes round in circles as it is really hard to think well of ourselves when others have been horrible to us so much. You have to kind of develop a thick skin. All the people you mentioned who were horrible to you should be ashamed of themselves, not you. It is their problem. You need to try, even if it is very slow progress, to build up some validation for yourself.

About your drawing, having been in college myself, I can tell you anyone who ripped your work up in front of the class should not be in the teaching/lecturing profession. That is their lack of skill as a lecturer, as no decent lecturer would do that. They might give you constructive criticism but they would never do that. If you like drawing, carry on with it. People even laughed at Vincent Van Gogh when he started out and he was told he would never get anywhere.

As for the guy who said he was too embarrassed to be seen with you, thank goodness he is not around any more. You definitely deserve better than him!!. A lot of people, including friends, won't care what you look like. Kindness and being interesting is far more important in friendship than looks. Concentrate on developing your own talents, think those who don't like you can shove it, and when you do go out, ask other people about their lives first. A lot of people are lonely and if you take an interest in their lives and ask questions about them, that will get you friends!

Also, I know it is hard when you have not had any validation from others, but try and look after yourself. Take care to eat good nutritious food, exercise. These things will show to others you are looking after yourself and will attract people as well. (This is one of the hardest things to do when we have mental health issues but it is worth pushing through and doing it anyway, even if it is only doing little things every day, to start with.)

Hope all this means something. As said above, there are so many people out there who are lonely who will be your friend. You just haven't met them yet.

 

[discreetmadness]

As a side note, I want to say that being a parapro is really fucking hard. Obviously I don't know your experiences but kids can bite and lash out and it's just a pretty tough job with a high turnover rate and burnout unless you are prepared for it.

 

[Forveleth]

But what do you guys think? I obviously can't think for myself because I'm so useless. Should I CTB?

It is against the rules here to tell someone to kill themselves. Suicide is an extremely personal action and each person must decide for themselves if they think it is the best thing to do.

I will say if you are asking here because you are not sure, you are not ready.