Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[willitpass]

I don't know who I am anymore.
Oh the way things could have been. If I hadn't called for help when I tried to hang myself at 13. If I'd leaned into the rope one more time I would've been dead. If I had just laid in the water when I went over the dam in the middle of winter I likely would have just drifted into a hypothermic sleep rather than getting up and getting help. If I had never told my boyfriend that I was dying I could have been dead four years ago from SN. I could have been dead. Yet here I am. I never planned on making it to 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and on and on and on. I wish I could say 13 year old me would be proud to see that I made it not only to 18, but well into my early 20s. But she wouldn't. She would be quite disappointed at the person she sees today, somehow in an even worse off state that I was all those years ago. Made it to so many ages I never was meant to for what? To continue suffering more than I ever thought imaginable? I'm a disappointment to myself. I wish I had never called for help with that noose around my neck.

 

[CatLvr]

How are you feeling today?? Not too bad, I hope.

 

[Sunghoon]

Damn it's sad how a lot of ppl are having to resort to harmful methods just to be able to get the rest they need :/ they should let ppl who r suffering to take euthanasia like they do in Sweden or something I forgot the name of the place in Europe. Sending u loads of virtual hugs

 

[willitpass]

How are you feeling today?? Not too bad, I hope.

Tired. Mostly mentally. I plan on taking a large amount of laxatives tonight and then doing a fleet enema in the morning though, so I imagine I'll feel pretty shitty tomorrow.

 

[CatLvr]

Tired. Mostly mentally. I plan on taking a large amount of laxatives tonight and then doing a fleet enema in the morning though, so I imagine I'll feel pretty shitty tomorrow.

You KNOW you made me lol.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Hey, if you ever want to talk to someone directly, my DMs are open. I have a history of bad SH and I relate to you. I'm going to be going off my meds soon with the goal to get depressed enough to overcome SI again.

 

[willitpass]

I just need my prescriptions to be up already. Please. I'm so tired.
I'm so hungry and thirsty. I don't want to take more laxatives. I just want to eat and drink. But I can't. I can't. I fucking can't. I don't want to do this shit to myself but I fucking have to. My mind has such a fucking choke hold on me. I dread doing all of these things to myself but it's like I've lost control to the fucking demons in my mind. Mental illness is hell on earth. Please god let me die I can't do this. I've been doing this over half my life I can't handle the pain and torment.

 

[willitpass]

The thirst is indescribable. I'm so so thirsty. And it's unquenchable. I haven't had anything to drink today but yesterday I drank about 36oz. At one point I chugged 20oz of gatorade and it was like I hadn't even had anything to drink. My mouth still felt dry and I still felt so so thirsty. I am so god damned thirsty. But I gained weight on the scale so I can't let myself drink. The more I drink the more fluid retention I'll have and the more the scale will go up.

 

[willitpass]

I've been scrolling door dash for hours. I keep adding huge meals into my cart and then abandoning them. I really want to order in a fuck ton of food and binge.
I caved and dropped a ridiculous amount of money on a ridiculous amount of food. Funny thing is my stomach is so small anymore I know I won't be able to even eat half of what I ordered. The things eating disorders make you do….

 

[willitpass]

I just ate so much fucking food it hurts. My stomach is small so I guess what I ate would be considered a normal meal to most people, I honestly don't know anymore my perception is so skewed. But it's well more than I've eaten and drank in a long time and it hurts. My stomach feels stretched to the max. And I'm disgusted with myself. Truly disgusted. I just want to die.
I need time to go faster. I'm so close but so far from the end.

 

[willitpass]

3 hours post binge and I'm still uncomfortably full.
Was getting ready to do the enema when a friend called. Now I feel like the chance is ruined. Not sure why really. Just feel like it threw off my plans. I'm so incredibly bloated it's awful. I shouldn't have eaten like I did. I hate myself. I just want to die for fucks sake.

 

[willitpass]

I've had so much to drink today as well as that big meal. I'm not hungry anymore but it seems not matter how much I drink I'm still unbelievably thirsty. My electrolytes must be absolutely fucked for me to not be able to quench my thirst even the slightest.
I'm short of breathe now.

 

[D34DbyD4WN]

Status quo. Nothing has changed. I've kept up with doing my routine just in case something takes but for once my body seems to actually be doing what it's supposed to do. I'm still fairly confident I have something like a staph infection but am asymptomatic though. I'm continuing on in case something happens between now and my prescription refill though.

What are you putting in your wound?

 

[D34DbyD4WN]

I just ate so much fucking food it hurts. My stomach is small so I guess what I ate would be considered a normal meal to most people, I honestly don't know anymore my perception is so skewed. But it's well more than I've eaten and drank in a long time and it hurts. My stomach feels stretched to the max. And I'm disgusted with myself. Truly disgusted. I just want to die.
I need time to go faster. I'm so close but so far from the end.

Man, it's insane how much I relate to this.

 

[Yavannah]

how are you feeling today?
you are in my thoughts daily ..
what makes you believe that the heart medication OD won't work on its own?

 

[zerocontrol]

One thing I'm wondering: if one wound hasn't been enough to lead to the desired result, would making more wounds potentially increase the chance of getting there? That's what I'd try, personally.

 

[willitpass]

I've picked out a date. I pray my pharmacy isn't delayed in filling my prescription as that would throw things off by a full week. I'm going to wait to buy a hotel until I have the prescription so I don't book it only for the pharmacy to delay. I'll bring a rope with my in case I feel like going overkill and passing out with a rope around my neck. I'm planning it to where I can have a few days where no one will plan to see me so if I survive I can sleep the meds off without anyone finding out. I've considered staying in my apartment to avoid any issues with potential survival and missing check out. I think hotel vs apartment will be a more last minute decision. If this doesn't kill me I think at this point I've got to be fucking invincible or something. If I had a heart rate in the 20s from last time with low blood pressures there's no way this won't be enough. I'll be shy of the lethal dose of one of my meds by a little bit but when combined with the other med and the baclofen I'm confident it'll be enough. I would like to add benadryl in there to sedate me but I don't think I will as A. benadryl can cause tachycardia, I don't want anything that will raise my heart rate and B. I will already be at risk for vomiting with how much I'll be taking, I don't want to take anything more and increase the risk of vomiting. A small overdose of baclofen will hopefully be enough to sedate me. I wish I could get an anti emetic, but my heart condition would make my doctors unlikely to want to prescribe certain anti emetics that can cause cardiac side effects and I'm currently trying to avoid doctors at all costs. Anti emetics are questionable at best with overdoses anyway.

 

[nir]

I've picked out a date. I pray my pharmacy isn't delayed in filling my prescription as that would throw things off by a full week. I'm going to wait to buy a hotel until I have the prescription so I don't book it only for the pharmacy to delay. I'll bring a rope with my in case I feel like going overkill and passing out with a rope around my neck. I'm planning it to where I can have a few days where no one will plan to see me so if I survive I can sleep the meds off without anyone finding out. I've considered staying in my apartment to avoid any issues with potential survival and missing check out. I think hotel vs apartment will be a more last minute decision. If this doesn't kill me I think at this point I've got to be fucking invincible or something. If I had a heart rate in the 20s from last time with low blood pressures there's no way this won't be enough. I'll be shy of the lethal dose of one of my meds by a little bit but when combined with the other med and the baclofen I'm confident it'll be enough. I would like to add benadryl in there to sedate me but I don't think I will as A. benadryl can cause tachycardia, I don't want anything that will raise my heart rate and B. I will already be at risk for vomiting with how much I'll be taking, I don't want to take anything more and increase the risk of vomiting. A small overdose of baclofen will hopefully be enough to sedate me. I wish I could get an anti emetic, but my heart condition would make my doctors unlikely to want to prescribe certain anti emetics that can cause cardiac side effects and I'm currently trying to avoid doctors at all costs. Anti emetics are questionable at best with overdoses anyway.

I know it probably doesn't mean much from a stranger, but I'll miss you when you're gone. I've been checking your thread often since coming across it. I feel like in another life we could have been friends.

 

[CatLvr]

I know it probably doesn't mean much from a stranger, but I'll miss you when you're gone. I've been checking your thread often since coming across it. I feel like in another life we could have been friends.

I haven't been a member here long, but I feel the same way. I know it'd a choice we all make, lots of times just day to day, but I am gonna miss her. @willitpass you have a rocking sense of humor! I'm gonna miss you so much!

 

[willitpass]

I hate that I'll have to have an autopsy. My family will all know what happened. With my history nobody will question that I offed myself. But according to law where I live it will be required. I feel like it will only make things harder on my family to have to wait weeks for my body to be looked over only to determine the cause of death will be exactly what it looks like the second first responders arrive on scene. That will be hell for my family.

 

[willitpass]

A new thought just occurred to me that I hope will further increase my odds. My two cardiac meds have slightly different peak serum times. One consistently says an hour across all sources. The other ranges from 1-4 hours but I found one source says its effects on heart rate peak around 90 minutes. Baclofen is 2-3 hours. If I take them in order of peak serum times and wait a bit before the next med that should both decrease the likelihood of vomiting as well as ensure all drugs are at maximum effect at the same time, further increasing my likelihood of success.

As time goes on I feel like I've come to over analyzing my plan just to cope. I hate how long I'm having to wait so it seems all I can do is think about it. Over and over playing it in my head. Planning it down to the minute details.

 

[willitpass]

I feel so sick. Cold to the bone. Nauseous. I hate this.

 

[willitpass]

I've been scrolling doordash for hours again. Even with the nausea all I can think about it food. I did two enemas and took laxatives and nothing has happened, so I'm terrified to eat as I put on 4lbs of water weight the last couple of days and need to loose it, but I'm so hungry. I want to throw up and I want to stuff my face at the same time.
I've become rather agoraphobic. Unless it's something I have to do then I can't convince myself to leave the house. I try to bargain with myself that I can eat if I leave and go pick up the food myself, but that never seems to work. I just become paralyzed between hunger and fear.
This is no life to live.
I've decided to order food in despite how nauseous I am. It's like a sick test of my mental strength. If I can order all this food and not eat it then I'm strong. If I order it and binge despite being nauseous I must be weak. So fucking wasteful of me. I feel like all of my decisions are at the mercy of my anorexia and mental illness even if I know they don't make sense. I hate what's become of me.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so cold still. Can't get warm.

I think maybe instead of overkill with hanging I'll do overkill with a trash bag taped over my head. My only qualm with this is the thought of dying quite literally blind. I'd like to be able to see while I go, as weird as it sounds. I plan on having my journal with me as well as going through old journals and photos again while I die so a bag over my head would prevent me from doing that in my last few moments. Maybe I'll bring a rope and a bag and duct tape and let myself chose in the moment.

 

[Tesha]

How are you sleeping at the moment? You sound really tired of everything - so some time away from your own thoughts may help; if you can manage it.

 

[willitpass]

How are you sleeping at the moment? You sound really tired of everything - so some time away from your own thoughts may help; if you can manage it.

I haven't slept well in about a year. I wake up multiple times throughout the night. If I'm lucky I go right back to sleep. If not then I'm up for a while. Last good nights sleep was a couple weeks ago when I slept off all the meds I had taken. Sleeping aids don't work for me, and I have to take a hefty dose of benadryl to be able to knock myself out for only a few hours. The most relief from my own thoughts I get is when I'm able to start to enjoy some light hearted YouTube videos or non-suicidal music. Unfortunately the second I catch myself doing well my mind forces me to self sabotage.
The fucked up part of all of this is I know if I told someone about everything going on in my life I would be sectioned and pills shoved down my throat and forced to continue living. I could calmly sit there and explain everything I've tried to get better for over a decade and explain the mental agony I'm in and it wouldn't be enough to convince them I'm making a reasonable decision. No amount of mental torment is enough for most people to have some compassion. They put their dogs down to end their suffering but a lifetime of extreme pain and suffering will never be enough. They could read this entire thread and my thread in the sanctuary and still say I can be helped. As if I haven't tried everything already. As if I'm not in extreme pain every day. As if I'm not human enough to deserve to not have to suffer any longer.
The orthostatic hypotension persists. I'm imagining it's an electrolyte imbalance rather than hypovolemia as even the last few days when I've been drinking more it's arguably gotten worse rather than better. Just stood up a second ago and got probably the closest to actually passing out yet.

 

[willitpass]

I'm becoming completely consumed by apathy. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't do anything but sit around and scroll SS. I spend my days aimlessly refreshing waiting for something to be even mildly interesting. Occasionally I'll switch to go do research on a method or browse other suicidal media on another platform. It's rather mind numbing, but nothing entertains me anymore. I get more stressed than excited by hobbies that used to hold all my attention. I feel nothing around my responsibilities. I've completely neglected school and know I will fail this semester if I don't drop or die first. I don't talk to friends or family much at all anymore.

I feel horrible because I hardly even have the energy to give to my cat. She deserves better than me. I think she's getting bored because I don't play with her nearly as much as I used to. But even playing with her doesn't excite me. I don't have a will (I know I should but I just don't have the energy) but I have a strong suspicion of who she'll go to when I'm gone and I trust them to love her better than I can. I won't give her up before I die, she's not being neglected or anything so I don't feel I need to get rid of her now for her safety or anything of the sort, and I don't want to arise suspicion. But I hope she gets more play time. I try so hard to love her and not let my mental health affect her but I don't seem to have anything left in me.

 

[CantDoIt]

I'm becoming completely consumed by apathy. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't do anything but sit around and scroll SS. I spend my days aimlessly refreshing waiting for something to be even mildly interesting. Occasionally I'll switch to go do research on a method or browse other suicidal media on another platform. It's rather mind numbing, but nothing entertains me anymore. I get more stressed than excited by hobbies that used to hold all my attention. I feel nothing around my responsibilities. I've completely neglected school and know I will fail this semester if I don't drop or die first. I don't talk to friends or family much at all anymore.

I feel horrible because I hardly even have the energy to give to my cat. She deserves better than me. I think she's getting bored because I don't play with her nearly as much as I used to. But even playing with her doesn't excite me. I don't have a will (I know I should but I just don't have the energy) but I have a strong suspicion of who she'll go to when I'm gone and I trust them to love her better than I can. I won't give her up before I die, she's not being neglected or anything so I don't feel I need to get rid of her now for her safety or anything of the sort, and I don't want to arise suspicion. But I hope she gets more play time. I try so hard to love her and not let my mental health affect her but I don't seem to have anything left in me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You actually sound exactly like me, I do the same thing.

For me it's also a coping mechanism; part of it is me trying to convince myself of my sincerity. I also have OCD and I feel like that somehow plays into this behavior.

I skip out on some of my own responsibilities to spend time checking out the site and other media related to death.

 

[willitpass]

I need to die. Please. I need to die I need to die I need to die. Please. I'm not made for life. Please. I need out.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I need to die. Please. I need to die I need to die I need to die. Please. I'm not made for life. Please. I need out.

Did something happen? Please don't make a rash ctb attempt, it could go badly. Try tilting your head back and humming a tune to stimulate your vagus nerve.